Ruminations
When I don't drink on the weekends, it really throws off my week. It's Monday and I feel great. How the fuck am I going to make it until Friday?
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I wish it was socially acceptable to just hang up on people.
A good way to prove that God wants good on this earth is to try an Oreo. The Lord works in really awesome ways through Nabisco.
I don’t understand why everyone with superpowers is either a superhero or a supervillain. What about superlazy? If I was Spiderman, I would use my powers to get my ass the remote. Oh, my stupid roommate left it next to the TV? THWAPP. If I was the Human Torch, I would never ever wait for my oven to get to 350. I would have Funfetti cake now. And if I was Mr. Fantastic, well I’ll let your imagination run with that one, but let’s just say I wouldn’t leave my house often.
I see you. I see you on here. I see your away message. You want me to watch the Hamster on a Piano video on YouTube, and I may do that. But! ...you also want to talk to me. You want to ask me, "What's up man? How are things?" You want to see if I'll be back in Chicago soon. You want to know if I watched the game this weekend. But you can't. You can never ask me those things. Because I am invisible! Invisible on GChat!!!
There is no limit to the amount of times I will be alarmed if I accidentally place my fingers anywhere besides the home row.
I’m fairly confident that making a To Do list is the same as actually doing those things.
No, Handout on Cerebrovascular Diseases, I am not too old to doodle a dragon attacking a couch. If you knew how boring the lecture about you was, you would be doodling too.
Just when I think that the days of me getting into situations in which I might be arrested for destruction of property are over, I watch my Grandma's Cookies not fall out of the vending machine.
If you ever want to forget all about your worries and troubles, go on a diet. Nothing clears your head like thinking about food every single minute of every single day.
With the invention of facebook, will anyone in our generation be able to run for office of any kind?
Condoms are 99% effective. That’s 99 times out of 100, they work. Almost every time a condom is used, it works. Only 1 time, in 100 times of having sex, a condom won’t work. If you have had sex 100 times, and used protection 100 of those times, one of those times you did not really use protection.
If I saw a Craig's List ad that said, "Couple looking for roommate. We generally wake up early and talk loudly while you are trying to sleep, even on the weekends. We will be both passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive in regards to cleanliness and we will never, ever respect your privacy". I wouldn't oblige under any circumstances. And yet I lived with my parents for 18 years.
For the first time in 6 years, I will not be attending Black Out Wednesday. How will I ever find out which Quasi-Friend from high school has an engagement ring, but is secretly, “not sure”? How will I know if my Life-Peaked-with-High-School-Football teammate finally got that night manager’s job at the pawn shop? I absolutely must find out if Scott actually moved out from his parent’s house. It just won’t be the same this year, stalking at home from facebook.
It finally happened, I finally made the switch. I saw a guy on a shitty bike with tubing hanging off the back, with a ratty sweatshirt covering an unshaven face and wild hair. He started screaming some gibberish about a pumpkin and instead of thinking that this guy was crazy, I thought, "I'm really surprised that this guy has Bluetooth". I figured out my folly when he started throwing rubber tubing at me.
I just had a Slim Jim for the first time in about 6 years and for the first time in about 6 years, I miss you Macho Man Randy Savage.
I’m going to be honest with myself, before Gwen Stefani, I didn’t really know how to spell bananas. Now, I can spell bananas in, like, any circumstance. I never miss.
They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I just took anatomy and that is totally wrong. I would go through the chest. The chest is probably the best way.
If you don't have a Wikipedia article, I don't totally trust that you are a real thing.
Are there cartoon shows that teach kids the value of excessive violence anymore? In my favorite shows growing up, the good guys typically killed, maimed and disfigured 9 or 10 thousand Foot Soldiers just to save the M’Kraan Crystal; all in 24 minutes. Does Hanna Montana place her foot deep inside anything? How will this generation defend itself, learn important moral values like the power of Grayskull, and generally pound enough dunkaroos until they get mega-psyched and kick apart mom’s ottoman?
Some guys’ aversion to household chores is commendable. My buddy will sleep on the floor next to his bed like a dog rather than clear the shit off it. To avoid using a bowl, I have poured cereal in my mouth, followed it with milk and swished. But nothing beats my roommate. Despite the free washer and dryer in our apartment, he loathes doing laundry so much that he will wait until his girlfriend, who attends school 3 states away, flies in to do it for him. “What happens when you run out and she’s not here?” “Uh, get on Travelocity”. Impressive.
Pandora, stop telling me which side of the rap war I am on. I like East Coast rap influences and West Coast rap influences. You don't know me.
One time I was reading a scientific paper and the words “matastable” and “susceptible” were close enough together that I thought it said “mustachable”. I thought I was about to read about the most exciting modern medical breakthrough. Turned out it was about stupid cancer. I hate cancer.
My parents came to visit recently and they were driving me and two of my friends around. I was showing them the sites around my house and kept referring to things as, “…best food truck in West Philly”, or “…busiest street in West Philly.” At some point my dad goes, “Why does everyone say West Philly, you can’t say West Philadelphia?” to which, without skipping a beat, all three of us replied, "...Born and raised. The playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin out max and relaxin all cool, shootin’ some b-ball outside of school...
Using the jedi force totally works. Whenever I drop a pen, I just put my hand out and focus on it really hard. If I do it for long enough, someone walking by will inevitably stop, look at me focusing real hard, look down at the pen, look back at me focusing even harder, bend down and hand me the pen. Bow to my will!
If you tell me you don't drink, the head nod that follows seems like I am acknowledging and respecting what you said, but in reality, I'm saying, "Yes, we will probably not be good friends.”
All I really want to learn in school is the name of that disease where you can read two full pages worth of material only to realize you didn’t process a single fucking word. Because I definitely have that.
What sort of state does your life have to be in where people start wishing you happy birthday the day before your birthday, and you have to check a calendar to make sure they were, in fact, doing it a day early and you hadn’t just forgotten your own birthday?
Things I’m way too good at: getting permanent marker off my body. Cooking eggs while avoiding the unexplained sticky spots and beer puddles on my floor. Getting my contacts into blood shot eyes. Taking naps after only being up for an hour. Things I could improve on: life.
When there is free food offered at an event, people are always disappointed when it’s pizza. How can people hate freedom so much?
Whenever I’m late, I always think that the best way for me to make up time is by brushing my teeth faster. Next time, I’m going to be an extra 18 seconds late but apologetic with immaculate breath.
The shittier my handwriting looks, the more likely it is that I have no idea how to spell the word I just wrote.
There is really only one reason I put my clean clothes away, I need that basket for my dirty laundry.
I still use bar soap. I know that places me into the demographic of either a prisoner or a gold prospector born among the rolling hills of Pennsylvania in the 1850’s with a buck to make and a chip on his shoulder, but I just can’t bring myself to wash with something that I can only describe using phrases like “frilly” and “might be found on top of a birthday present”.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
When I’m trying to write a text and someone else rudely calls me, interrupting my text, I feel like I have been wronged. I will duel you.
When I'm lost and I need to ask a stranger the location of something, if given the choice between a cab driver with a banner on his cab that says, “25 years of loyal service to Philadelphia” and a hot girl holding a camera, wearing a shirt that says, “I heart Bulgaria”, I’m probably still going to ask the hot Bulgarian chick.
“I’m working like a dog”. Where did this expression come from? I don’t know about your dog, but mine was the laziest piece of shit I’ve ever met. I think my dog’s greatest achievement was locating its genitals.
My name is Dan. When I introduce myself, it becomes painfully clear that I don’t enunciate because people say, “Dane?” No. It’s Dan. You know, like the other 3.26 billion legal Daniels in the US. For God’s sake, play the odds. How many fucking Dane’s do you know? 1? Cook? I don’t even think that’s his name, I think it’s an acronym he made up for something loud that wears a wife-beater.
I bought my first real-people bed recently and the salesman was trying to sell me some special stain proof mattress pad to protect my 15 yr. warranty. I deftly dodged his brain washing, only to bleed all over my mattress (another story for another time), voiding 14 yrs. 361 days of my warranty. I was understandably upset until I realized, what the hell is a bed warranty for? Am I going to break its hard drive? Will the coolant system need a refill? By the salesman’s own admission, it’s made of springs and foam, I think I’ll be OK.
When you take fast cash out of an ATM and the receipt that follows says that you just overdrew your account, can you stuff the money back in? Because, uh, I sort of need to do that.
Stop asking me if I want to set facebook as my homepage every time I log in. I love facebook, but I don’t need it to be the crux of my internet usage. Occasionally I have real-people things to do online and I don’t need to know that “Mary is remember push-pops?” when I’m looking up the glucose range for diabetes.
Coffee just makes me more alert while I procrastinate.
I love it when people say they pride themselves on being honest. “Man, I just hate it when people placate each other. I just tell it how it is. I’m honest”. No. You’re an asshole. Brutal honesty is license to be a dick. It’s not like I don’t know what you mean when you say “oh, uh, yeah, nice show, man”. I’m not stupid, I was there too, I know it sucked. You want complete honesty, fine, nobody likes you and I ate your last cookie, eat a dick.
I was in a bathroom stall and on the wall was written, “Jesus loves you” and below it was written, “But everyone else thinks you’re an asshole”. I think that’s a good thing to remember.
I’ve heard that we are the ADD generation and I totally believe that because about 25% of the time I call someone, by the time they answer, a mere 30 seconds later, I’ve forgotten who I’ve called and have to make awkward coughing noises while I look at my phone to see who I dialed before I end up saying “whats up, motherfucker?” to my grandma.
“Beer before liquor you’ve never been sicker” or had such an awesome time.
Whenever I’m sick or hurt, it’s really important that I be a lot more sick and hurt when people are around.
If you introduced yourself to me as Boober T. Poopybottom, I wouldn’t even flinch. When we are co-introducing ourselves, I don’t hear a word you say. I am concentrating so insanely hard on saying my own name correctly (which is 3 letters, by the way) and not sounding like an invalid that by the time our handshake is over, I have entered a different plane of existence.
Has anyone used their college major for anything ever?
Apple just released an iPhone update for download that has a “decrease in dropped calls”. That means, this whole time, you could have just written a program that improves my service? I could have heard “take exit 235” before I roared past exit 235? I will punch the shit out of you Apple.
I’ve hit my limit on facebook groups and applications. I just can’t handle anymore. I don’t want to be part of your Oregon Trail wagon; I’m not interested in starting a “Mob War”; and those Mott’s Applesauce single packs are good, but I’m not sure I would “punch my mom in the face for one”. My quota for inside jokes, favorite pop icons and general debauchery is filled, I’m sorry. Please seek membership elsewhere.
No matter how many squares of toilet paper you use or how thoroughly you shake it out, a little will always drip into your underwear. These are the facts of life.
Towel, you are a constant disappointment. Your entire existence centers around whisking away water, not being the only piece of clothing still sopping wet when coming out of the dryer. I don't want my doctor to be the sickest of my friends and I don't want my towel to be the wettest of my clothes. And you, Dryer, start drying my damn clothes. All you ever give me is lint and moldy clothes. I leave my clothes in there for days at a time; the least you can do is have them dry by that fateful day I finally decide to stop wearing my swim trunks.
If I park in a handicap spot, the ticket is $125; that makes sense. However, what is the penalty for using a handicap bathroom stall? I feel so guilty when I’m in there that I don’t even take out my phone to play snood. If I was handicapped and someone forced me to park far away, I would be annoyed. If I had to poopsies, and the only stall in which I could physically do that in was used by some douche who wants the extra room to set his briefcase out of the splash zone, I would poo on the floor and rub his nose in it.
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