Ruminations
Whenever someone ends a sentence with any kind of smiley face, I imagine them making that face. You look like an idiot.
15 
Sometimes when going out I say to myself, "I'm not going to carry condoms that way I won't have sex", and I should really just follow that up with, "with a condom".
At libraries or cafes, people often ask me to watch their stuff while they are gone. I always agree, but let's be real here if a guy with a mask and a sac that said, "Other people's stuff I stole" started packing your shit up, I wouldn't say a thing.
Hug or kiss on the cheek? Choose now. Because the next time you end up kissing my ear and I end up snapping you into my chest like I was emptying the air out of a beach ball, you better tap out because I'm gonna finish the choke hold. Shhh sleep now.
The amount of candy I take from your free candy dish is vastly different whether you are at your desk or not.
If you are ringing me up and you want to alarm me just mumble something that sounds like a question. If you then want to terrify me, when I ask what you just said, mumble it again but a little more forcibly and point towards my wallet or the total.
My friend has a hedgehog in a cage in his apartment. He thinks I really like funions, but I really just want to see that mother fucker jump.
Once one thing in my day goes wrong, I will definitely search for a few others just so I can really build up the story of my day.
I would like a few more "move to trash" options. Like a "hookshot to trash cause I finished that shit" button or a "slam into trash and go fuck yourself" button. A "sheepishly move to trash, then clear my search history" button could also be useful.
"muddy625 has entered text" Well then where the fuck is it?
My friend's mom, a teacher, asked me what Poking was. Poking? It's how you let someone know you want to have sex with them. Oh and every so often it's used for someone to let you know they are creepy and weird and don't really understand facebook.
How did I get people's screennames when I was a kid? No one even had a cell phone, so we weren't texting it. I didn't really have email. Did I write it down on paper? With pen? And ink? Like a dog?
There is nothing about party size that makes me think of parties and sharing my bounty. It just makes me think of how much more I get to smother on my face while alone in my room listening to rap songs.
Whenever I google map how long I actually ran, I'm really disappointed and end up tacking on bullshit until I feel good about myself. Crossing the street: half mile. Weaving around strollers: another half mile. So yup, solid 3 mile run.
Without question the least helpful button is the help button. No, Paperclip. Are you drunk? What about these fucked up bullet points looks like I want to write a letter? Just fix them. I would mame you if I could find the right toolbar.
This girl studying next to me is hot. I'll ask her to watch my stuff. While I’m gone, it should suddenly occur to her to date me. Interesting, no number left. She must not have understood. I'll ask her to watch my stuff again. Nothing? Is she dumb?
My best work outs are always when my gym nemesis gets there at the same time I do. Oh you're going for a run today, Arbitrary Arch Rival? Let's do this thang.
When I stick my flash drive into someone's random computer, I feel like I'm having a one night stand. Are you using protection? Every site you've been to, now I've been to. You had a virus?! I wish I was at home using my flash drive alone in my room.
I bet if I met me on the street, I'd have much better ideas on how to improve me. That hair cut? Really? You need new shoes. Do you realize how loud you are being? That's not funny.
When I ask you directions, all I hear is, "take a left, walk to the end of the hall, ask someone else."
I don't think enough is made of the fact that "condominium" contains the word "condom" and that both attempt to protect you from being thrust into real adulthood with an 18 year commitment.
Miller Lite triple brews their hops. Oh, is that how cheap, shitty beer is made?
Gchat needs to stop putting conversation boxes right next to each other. It's uncomfortable to lie to someone about why you can't go to their party in one box and then talk shit about them to a better friend in the box right next door.
One of the questions on a bank teller application must be, "How fast can you flip from being a pleasant, helpful employee to a bat-shit crazy beast that can only growl 'well sir, it was for YOUR safety' when backed into a corner by logic and reason?"
I need an electronic maid. Someone to come through and keep my inbox under 25, clear out various facebook requests, prescreen my forwarded youtube videos, that sort of thing. I mean, I just don't have time to finish allll of my online scrabble games.
Sometimes I read someone's away message and I'm sad that I'm not on the inside of the joke. Of course then I remember that I hate that person, but I still want to know that thing about the bubbles and the starburst.
"I'm going to have one drink, say hi to the people I wanted to see, then get home and to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow and get work done". Yikes, is that really what I sound like? Even I don't believe me.
(Schools I've stood in the hallway at: 5...) "A patient has intermittent diarrhea, what can you ask to help differentiate the possible causes? Mr. Kramer?" "Hmm, Ok. What happens when you slide into first? And driving in a Chevy?" (...6)
"Here, take down my number" Fuck, I couldn't enter the first letter of your name if you gave me 25 chances. Ok, got an idea: "How do you spell your name" Boom! "Kim, K-I-M" mother fu-, fine: "No, I meant your last name." Rebound. "Smith, S-M-I-..."
Well, you only reminded me twice. Once was like, a full 2 days ago. I don't want to use the word, "disappointed", but I think we both know who's fault it was that I didn't show up. Next time, try to be more diligent about your graduation information.
I'm starting to think the internet isn't the problem because I was just on a bus trying to do work and apparently, if the only website in existence was about power lines, I would still spend hours a day on it just scrolling to the left.
I can't decide which is more rare, someone in a relationship staying out past 1 or someone single going home before 2? Either way I'm all about efficiency so I'm going to start going out at 1. Mop up.
I love getting a ride to get groceries. I'm all over milk. I high roll in the vegetable section. Hey Buddy, try the squishy squash, the squishy squash are the best squash. And bulky paper towels? Well, I'm rockin an SUV. Hear that, No One? An SUV!
Do pigeons know that everyone fucking hates them?
I just got an email from Myspace that said, "Daniel, see what your friends are up to!". Facebook. That's what they are up to. I can see them all online right now. Tom, it's over...it's over.
Once you friend me, I will judge you in this order: Your profile pic, your away messages, the groups you chose to accept, the friends we have in common, and finally, your actual, real-life personality.
I bought a cookie on Tuesday and on the wrapper it said, "best by Thu". Nope, best with a glass of milk. Once again, you don't know shit Quiznos.
Listen, I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to hear about how Jesus can save my soul, it's just that...oh wait, actually, that's exactly it.
Gum is not the same as a toothbrush. Water is not the same as contact
solution. Girl deodorant is not the same as boy deodorant. These are
the small differences that will remind you all day long that last
night, you my friend? You had sex.
When a girl says, "Hey...Let's watch porn together" you should only answer, "Fuck yeah! What do you like? Public? 3-some? You know what, it's not important. Pick whatever you want, the box is in the back of the closet" in your head.
Let it be known, that the clapping session this whole class just
engaged in to show our appreciation for the speaker that brought
bagels and had that funny Farside cartoon, that clap was
started by me. Feel free to tell your friends.
"I'll call you back just give me a sex, mom" Nope. Sec. Just give me a sec. Mom, see, this is why you can't text me stuff when you know I'm out drinking. And now I'm not going to call you back because I never want to have "that" talk again.
Apologizing for my messy room with a bullshit excuse is an order of magnitude easier than actually cleaning it.
On my walk home I pass house after house of the these undergrad frat guys, theater kids, athletes. Every time the temperature warms up a degree, the beer pong tables are out, grills light up, bubble dresses get sported. They always take up the whole sidewalk and it's like come on, some of us are PLEASE! Please ask me if I want a beer! I do! I do want a beer! Let me have a game. Fuck it, one throw, just one throw. I'm imprisoned in the real world, can't you see it on my face?!? I'm crying out for help here. One beer. Please...please
At first, I always take painstaking efforts to cover up the bad things I do. I'll take the smallest dab of my roommates peanut butter using only the knife he always uses. Or I'll borrow a pair of socks, wash them and neatly replace them after laundry day. But by the 8th time, I've gotten so sloppy I'm walking into his room with my arm elbow deep in his peanutbutter. "Dude, is that my peanutbutter?" "What? Oh yeah, but don't worry, I'm not touching it, I've covered my hand with these clean...socks. Fuck. Sorry."
It doesn't matter what you put in it, if you say it's vegetarian, you've convinced me it's healthy. Vegetable tempura, corn bread, tofu pizza and a piece of double chocolate vegan cake? Perfect. Sign me up for the marathon and someone call my doctor and cancel my appointment. I think this burning will resolve itself.
In the library, I was looking at big board of student ads and stumbled upon this poster (verbatim), "Build-your own STD bake sale!"...what? Wait, I...what? What am I building? How are baked goods involved? Is it like a choose your own adventure for STDs? "You have chosen Sarah. You now have herpes. Would you like to A) See a doctor B) Reenter the party C) Respond to another Craig's List ad." I'm going to have so many questions when I show up drunk.
All of the players that are paid to be on the team that has a stadium in the city that is closest to my suburb, are much better than the players on your team that are in a similar but slightly different and, in my opinion, slightly worse city.
During a sex lecture, someone in my class asked what douching was. I'll take this one Doc. Afflicting "adult" males, douching symptoms include popping one's collar, calling another human, "bro", and wearing a body spray of any kind. Although rarely fatal, Douche Flu can be severe and lead to aggressive behavior followed by hugs ("but not the gay kind"), a poorly used gym membership, and a bunch of friends who don't really like them anymore. Suspected individuals should be quarantined and told that a fraternity is not really forever.
"Hey! Did you get my email?" Well that depends, did you send me an email? To my email address? Was it within the last couple nanoseconds? No? Well then I'm going to take a wild stab and say yes, the concept of email continues to work and I did receive it. I think what you meant to ask me was, have I responded to your email. In which case, I would like to refer you to your email. Thank you for that awkward conversation, now do you have anything else to ask me? Like perhaps the content of this email?
I think 8 hours of work can best be characterized by the punctuated equilibrium model. Massive stretches of meandering, half-work punctuated by 15 minute bursts of intense productivity, quickly followed by several more hours of facebook and gchat. Don't fight it, it's evolution.
On a plane, I would rather you tell me all about your failed marriage, fall asleep on my shoulder, and drool on my Sky Mall than have your arm hairs gently brush my arm hairs even once.
I found my umbrella under my bed today and it was covered with dust. That's when I realized, there is no such thing as a dirty umbrella when it's raining.
Every time I become newly single, I'm always surprised when all the girls that I had a crush on don't suddenly start clamoring to date me. Uh, yeah I know your engaged, but I was with someone, and now I'm not. Don't you want to break it off for coffee with me. Remember when I said I liked your shoes earlier this year? I'm like, super nice.
I just got summoned to jury duty. I sure hope it's a case about one of them disabled immigrant minorities that I hate so much. Death penalty for all, down with the constitution, long live the confederacy!
The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.
Yes, now that you have a kid, you are very mature. Your check book is balanced, you put your laundry away every time, and you almost always soak your oatmeal bowl right after you are done. You are a better person because of your child. But I think what you are forgetting is, you have a fucking child. Good luck with fun for the next 18 years. I hope you really like the zoo.
OMG, head flight attendant!! You're hilarious! You just called my pilot Maverick, like that movie! I bet my pilot's name isn't Maverick! Ohhh, too much, too much, anyway, yeah I'm not going to "power my electronics down", so fuck off.
I'm 5'11''. You are 5'1''. I'm in my gym shorts and running shoes. You are wearing heels. I'm actually late. You are texting. I played many sports. You quit sports when they got in the way of tanning. How the fuck are you flying past me on the side-walk tiny sorority girl? You're like a Dolce and Gabanna sponsored track-star.
I don't need coffee today. In fact, I don't need caffeine substances of any kind. From this view point, the one from my morning shower, I am going to break my caffeine addiction starting today...Ok from this vantage point, the one that is sideways, staring at the drool pile on my $300 book, I think that idea was stupid and I'm going to leave in the middle of class to see if I can find a coffee inhaler. I apologize for judging you heroine addict, you're right, quitting isn't easy.
"To treat sleep disorders, one large component is to improve sleep hygiene. This includes using the bed only for sleep and sex. Exercise helps too, which of course includes sex. I think I'm going to be the leading prescriber of sex. "To be taken twice daily. Once upon waking and once before bed. Taken either orally or through direct injection. Rectal administration is neither indicated, nor contraindicated. Side effects include feelings of awesomeness and babies. If sex lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician for high fives."
"Do you have a minute to save the environment?" A minute? That's all it's going to take? Well sounds like we don't really have a problem then. You probably don't even need my help, I'm sure one of your minutes will do just fine. Thanks for taking care of that for all of us. Our children's children thank you. Peace be with you, Hippie.
Oh you can put a lot of groceries into a basket without them spilling, but I can put way more in, because I win almost every game that you didn't know you were playing with me.
Coffee lowers your risk of Parkinson's disease, contains the most anti-oxidants per volume of any food or drink, and can improve performance and alertness. Not to mention the acute health improvements associated with me not punching you in the face. I'm tired and I'm late, stop texting and move the fuck out of my way.
Nothing like a good mustache to make me look you up on the national database of registered sex offenders. You're fu-man-chu looks awesome, but stay away from my sister.
If you are sitting next to me on a plane, just so you know, I've read half of what you've read and everything you've written. Now please kindly turn the page to your magazine, I want to find out the other 2 secrets to "pleasing my man".
"Hey, listen to this passage from this book I'm reading!" "Actually can you give me a second before you start? I need some time to think of something to day dream about while you recite this esoteric passage from your pop psychology novel. Oh and is this a funny book or a sad book? I want to know whether to smile or furrow my brow when it sounds like you are wrapping up. Fruit Roll-Ups! I'm going to day dream about Fruit Roll-Ups. Ok go."
"Hey there are bagels in the back room if you're hungry!" Nope. I just went back there. There are no bagels. There is cream cheese. There are knives. And then there is a giant bag of round fluffy breaded things with goo swirled all around, diseased with raisins, pulsating with cinnamon-raisin flavored disappointment. Don't fuck with me, Leader of Meeting that Just Ended, I will stab you with a plastic smearing utensil.
Time for a pep talk, Body. We fell asleep in class today. 3 times. Once in small group. There were 6 other people in that room. I'm willing to overlook that, but then last night, we were in bed for like 2.5 hours just lying there, trying to fall asleep. And did you let us fall asleep? No, you kept jumping awake with a start. We just simply can't have that, Body, can we? This hurts you as much as it hurts me, but I'm going to have to drown you with alcohol this weekend. Ok? I'm sorry. I hate to be the bad guy. We cool?
When you name a formula, an disease, or a psychological phenomenon after yourself you are imprinting your name in the history books forever. You are also guaranteeing that every single student who has to memorize your stupid fucking name will hate you forever. Fuck you Parkinson.
I'm glad people can't smoke indoors anymore, but it makes me a little nervous that they all go out to smoke together. They are irritable, cold, annoyed and congregated. Sounds like the same recipe that started the French Revolution, and we all used to know how that turned out.
Every time I get back with my family, things are cool for about 6 minutes before I'm 8 years old and at the bottom of an argument again. I'm 25 mom, I'll eat my vegetables in whatever order I want! Now where's my juicy?!
"So are you from around here?" "Well I actually moved here a bit ago and was going to leave, but my boyfriend is still here." "Oh cool, so, what do you do?" "I'm a paralegal, which is kind of like my boyfriend, who is a consultant." "Right, right. Anyway, I'm going to get back to my friends, one of them just got accepted to grad school at Oxford, so we are celebrating" "My boyfriend wears Oxford shirts" "Ok, bye" "My boyfriend says bye" "You're a bad person" "boyfriend".
I'm a good person to tell secrets to because 1) I don't care 2) I don't know who Alex is. 3) I'm really drunk right now.
I keep learning about diseases and thinking things like, "Hey, Kenny's sister has Lupus! I should totally text him!" No. No I shouldn't text him about how much I know about his sister's devastating illness. I should sit here quietly and continue to learn about Lupus.
They say that Styrofoam will last forever and never degrade. And yet the shitty plastic knife that came with my calzone just cut right through it, like it was melted jello, spilling calzone sauce all over my lap. I'm on to your bullshit, Al Gore.
Hey, I was just calling to let you know that after you hung up on me, I finished the argument in my head. It turns out that you were wrong. No need to apologize. Call me back when you get a chance. Bye.
I respect drug dealers and prostitutes significantly more than parking patrol cops.
I think the main reason people shortened valentines day to "V-Day" was to emphasize its relation to D-Day.
Boy this lecture hall really smells like feet. The whole locker room also smells like dirty, dirty feet. Goddammit, even the library smells like someones wet nasty shoes. It's like no matter where I go, the smell of feet...follows...me...oh. Sorry lecture hall, locker room, and library.
The other day I got to suture fake brain layers using a multi-million dollar surgical robot. When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a firetruck. Ding-ding, Fire!
Is there a secret wood-society of sorority girls stealing from Prada and giving to the poor? Because the last person I saw wearing beige thigh-high boots, tights, and a below-waste shirt with a useless belt was Robin Hood and Little John.
Actually, it turns out that when you have the wrong number, and call back the exact same number you just dialed, you are going to get that exact same wrong number, Angry Man Looking for Venessa.
I just found out that my biggest fan on here reads my ruminations every day, checks every comment, and is actually creating a facebook account just to add me as a friend so she can go through my photos. She also birthed me. Nothing like having your mom piece together just how much you drink from the frequency of alcohol related posts you put on a public site. Awesome....As long as you’re on here, mom, did I file as a dependent last year? I can’t remember.
Screening calls is awesome for avoiding uncomfortable situations. For instance, once I was at a bar talking to a girl when my phone rang. We were in a pretty deep conversation about the economy or cats or something, I wasn’t listening, and I didn’t want to interrupt, so I silenced it. At that moment, something directly outside the window caught my eye and I turned to see my friend standing there in awe, holding the phone that he had just used to call me. Actually that time it was less awesome for avoiding uncomfortable situations.
I was sitting next to a guy on the subway who was playing a word-find game on his iPhone. He found "bats", but kept missing that the same letters backwards spelled, "stab", which he was missing. At that very moment, time stood still and I teetered on the fence between the well manicured lawn of normal, rational adults and the blissful playground of Nutty McNutJobs who scream shit at strangers on the subway. I left the train on my side of the fence, but now I've seen the other side, it looks super fun, and I know where the door is...
From that first college final to that last annual report before retirement, it is the right of every man to display stress in his life by growing facial hair. Fuck off, Mach-3, I've got a deadline!
I think I first understood the concept of lying when I was a kid and the dentist asked me what flavor fluoride I wanted and offered me things like "cherry" and "chocolate chip". Motherfucker, have you ever tried a chocolate chip? It tastes nothing like that primordial goo you just squeezed into my mouth.
Today was free Chipotle burrito day. The rest of the year is downhill from here.
When I spend three straight days of drinking until four, eating shitty pizza, curling up like a ball of waste and watching any sport on TV until I’m brave enough to order take out, I think it’s great that it only takes that half of a Sunday of eating healthy and going for a jog to make me feel like I’ve completely erased that assault on my health.
Hey Brain, how's it going? You doin' ok? You sure? You want a soda? No, you don't want a soda? Good, great, because if we ever spend 2 hours memorizing 25 different bacteria and their 6 important features, only to come back from lunch not remembering a single goddamn one, I will stab you with a fucking Q-tip. I'm not kidding, I will mess you up, you son of a bitch.
Do you really think that people don't notice you looking at your phone under the table? We are all just sitting there thinking, boy this lunch-meeting must be really sad to Dave, he's had his eyes cast downward for the last 35 minutes. He just can't seem to make eye contact or contribute in any way whatsoever. We had better stop talking about billing and reimbursement before Dave starts crying.
Feet, if you are going to be freezing, then Armpits, you cannot be sweating. You may choose one or the other, but not both. You have 5 minutes to decide.
"Diarrheal illnesses are often spread through fecal-oral transmission" ...Um, could you elaborate on that a little further? I get the fecal part, and the oral makes sense, it's the dash that I'm a bit curious about.
You know, the first time I drank alcohol I really didn’t like it. I knew it wasn’t good for me, it tasted terrible, and it made me feel pretty sick. I’m really glad I got over that.
"Staphylococcus aureus (pronounced /ˌstæfɨləˈkɒkəs ˈɔriəs/)" Oh, that's how to pronounce it? Thanks Wikipedia. If it weren't for you I would have gotten up in front of my class and looked like a total idiot. I probably would have pronounced it exactly how it looks. I would have been so embarrassed when someone pointed out that it is pronounced like a string of fucking gibberish.
If you are having a rough day and everyone seems to be dumping on you, I suggest thumbs downing something on Pandora for an ego boost, "Sorry about that. We'll try something else and we'll never play that song again on this station." Fuck yeah! That's the kind of service I'm talking about. Get that weak shit out of here! And find me somethin' new! Wooo, that feels good, I need a Coke-Zero, I’m on a roll!
I see you in the hallway, we kind of know each other. I nod. You nod and follow with a, "Hey". I follow with a reflex, "How's it goin?" I'm like 20 feet past you by now. You fucking answer, "Pretty good!" Cool, fantastic, I'm glad you are doing well. Pause. "How are you?" Oh come on! I've opened the door. My jacket is zipped. Do I have to answer? I just put my hat on..."Good". I keep walking. Pause. "How was your weekend?" I don't even know your fucking name, you one-upping son of a bitch!
When I don't drink on the weekends, it really throws off my week. It's Monday and I feel great. How the fuck am I going to make it until Friday?
I wish it was socially acceptable to just hang up on people.
A good way to prove that God wants good on this earth is to try an Oreo. The Lord works in really awesome ways through Nabisco.
I don’t understand why everyone with superpowers is either a superhero or a supervillain. What about superlazy? If I was Spiderman, I would use my powers to get my ass the remote. Oh, my stupid roommate left it next to the TV? THWAPP. If I was the Human Torch, I would never ever wait for my oven to get to 350. I would have Funfetti cake now. And if I was Mr. Fantastic, well I’ll let your imagination run with that one, but let’s just say I wouldn’t leave my house often.
I see you. I see you on here. I see your away message. You want me to watch the Hamster on a Piano video on YouTube, and I may do that. But! ...you also want to talk to me. You want to ask me, "What's up man? How are things?" You want to see if I'll be back in Chicago soon. You want to know if I watched the game this weekend. But you can't. You can never ask me those things. Because I am invisible! Invisible on GChat!!!
There is no limit to the amount of times I will be alarmed if I accidentally place my fingers anywhere besides the home row.
I’m fairly confident that making a To Do list is the same as actually doing those things.
No, Handout on Cerebrovascular Diseases, I am not too old to doodle a dragon attacking a couch. If you knew how boring the lecture about you was, you would be doodling too.
Just when I think that the days of me getting into situations in which I might be arrested for destruction of property are over, I watch my Grandma's Cookies not fall out of the vending machine.
If you ever want to forget all about your worries and troubles, go on a diet. Nothing clears your head like thinking about food every single minute of every single day.
With the invention of facebook, will anyone in our generation be able to run for office of any kind?
Condoms are 99% effective. That’s 99 times out of 100, they work. Almost every time a condom is used, it works. Only 1 time, in 100 times of having sex, a condom won’t work. If you have had sex 100 times, and used protection 100 of those times, one of those times you did not really use protection.
If I saw a Craig's List ad that said, "Couple looking for roommate. We generally wake up early and talk loudly while you are trying to sleep, even on the weekends. We will be both passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive in regards to cleanliness and we will never, ever respect your privacy". I wouldn't oblige under any circumstances. And yet I lived with my parents for 18 years.
For the first time in 6 years, I will not be attending Black Out Wednesday. How will I ever find out which Quasi-Friend from high school has an engagement ring, but is secretly, “not sure”? How will I know if my Life-Peaked-with-High-School-Football teammate finally got that night manager’s job at the pawn shop? I absolutely must find out if Scott actually moved out from his parent’s house. It just won’t be the same this year, stalking at home from facebook.
It finally happened, I finally made the switch. I saw a guy on a shitty bike with tubing hanging off the back, with a ratty sweatshirt covering an unshaven face and wild hair. He started screaming some gibberish about a pumpkin and instead of thinking that this guy was crazy, I thought, "I'm really surprised that this guy has Bluetooth". I figured out my folly when he started throwing rubber tubing at me.
I just had a Slim Jim for the first time in about 6 years and for the first time in about 6 years, I miss you Macho Man Randy Savage.
I’m going to be honest with myself, before Gwen Stefani, I didn’t really know how to spell bananas. Now, I can spell bananas in, like, any circumstance. I never miss.
They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I just took anatomy and that is totally wrong. I would go through the chest. The chest is probably the best way.
If you don't have a Wikipedia article, I don't totally trust that you are a real thing.
Are there cartoon shows that teach kids the value of excessive violence anymore? In my favorite shows growing up, the good guys typically killed, maimed and disfigured 9 or 10 thousand Foot Soldiers just to save the M’Kraan Crystal; all in 24 minutes. Does Hanna Montana place her foot deep inside anything? How will this generation defend itself, learn important moral values like the power of Grayskull, and generally pound enough dunkaroos until they get mega-psyched and kick apart mom’s ottoman?
Some guys’ aversion to household chores is commendable. My buddy will sleep on the floor next to his bed like a dog rather than clear the shit off it. To avoid using a bowl, I have poured cereal in my mouth, followed it with milk and swished. But nothing beats my roommate. Despite the free washer and dryer in our apartment, he loathes doing laundry so much that he will wait until his girlfriend, who attends school 3 states away, flies in to do it for him. “What happens when you run out and she’s not here?” “Uh, get on Travelocity”. Impressive.
Pandora, stop telling me which side of the rap war I am on. I like East Coast rap influences and West Coast rap influences. You don't know me.
One time I was reading a scientific paper and the words “matastable” and “susceptible” were close enough together that I thought it said “mustachable”. I thought I was about to read about the most exciting modern medical breakthrough. Turned out it was about stupid cancer. I hate cancer.
My parents came to visit recently and they were driving me and two of my friends around. I was showing them the sites around my house and kept referring to things as, “…best food truck in West Philly”, or “…busiest street in West Philly.” At some point my dad goes, “Why does everyone say West Philly, you can’t say West Philadelphia?” to which, without skipping a beat, all three of us replied, "...Born and raised. The playground is where I spent most of my days, chillin out max and relaxin all cool, shootin’ some b-ball outside of school...
Using the jedi force totally works. Whenever I drop a pen, I just put my hand out and focus on it really hard. If I do it for long enough, someone walking by will inevitably stop, look at me focusing real hard, look down at the pen, look back at me focusing even harder, bend down and hand me the pen. Bow to my will!
If you tell me you don't drink, the head nod that follows seems like I am acknowledging and respecting what you said, but in reality, I'm saying, "Yes, we will probably not be good friends.”
All I really want to learn in school is the name of that disease where you can read two full pages worth of material only to realize you didn’t process a single fucking word. Because I definitely have that.
What sort of state does your life have to be in where people start wishing you happy birthday the day before your birthday, and you have to check a calendar to make sure they were, in fact, doing it a day early and you hadn’t just forgotten your own birthday?
Things I’m way too good at: getting permanent marker off my body. Cooking eggs while avoiding the unexplained sticky spots and beer puddles on my floor. Getting my contacts into blood shot eyes. Taking naps after only being up for an hour. Things I could improve on: life.
When there is free food offered at an event, people are always disappointed when it’s pizza. How can people hate freedom so much?
Whenever I’m late, I always think that the best way for me to make up time is by brushing my teeth faster. Next time, I’m going to be an extra 18 seconds late but apologetic with immaculate breath.
The shittier my handwriting looks, the more likely it is that I have no idea how to spell the word I just wrote.
There is really only one reason I put my clean clothes away, I need that basket for my dirty laundry.
I still use bar soap. I know that places me into the demographic of either a prisoner or a gold prospector born among the rolling hills of Pennsylvania in the 1850’s with a buck to make and a chip on his shoulder, but I just can’t bring myself to wash with something that I can only describe using phrases like “frilly” and “might be found on top of a birthday present”.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
When I’m trying to write a text and someone else rudely calls me, interrupting my text, I feel like I have been wronged. I will duel you.
When I'm lost and I need to ask a stranger the location of something, if given the choice between a cab driver with a banner on his cab that says, “25 years of loyal service to Philadelphia” and a hot girl holding a camera, wearing a shirt that says, “I heart Bulgaria”, I’m probably still going to ask the hot Bulgarian chick.
“I’m working like a dog”. Where did this expression come from? I don’t know about your dog, but mine was the laziest piece of shit I’ve ever met. I think my dog’s greatest achievement was locating its genitals.
My name is Dan. When I introduce myself, it becomes painfully clear that I don’t enunciate because people say, “Dane?” No. It’s Dan. You know, like the other 3.26 billion legal Daniels in the US. For God’s sake, play the odds. How many fucking Dane’s do you know? 1? Cook? I don’t even think that’s his name, I think it’s an acronym he made up for something loud that wears a wife-beater.
I bought my first real-people bed recently and the salesman was trying to sell me some special stain proof mattress pad to protect my 15 yr. warranty. I deftly dodged his brain washing, only to bleed all over my mattress (another story for another time), voiding 14 yrs. 361 days of my warranty. I was understandably upset until I realized, what the hell is a bed warranty for? Am I going to break its hard drive? Will the coolant system need a refill? By the salesman’s own admission, it’s made of springs and foam, I think I’ll be OK.
When you take fast cash out of an ATM and the receipt that follows says that you just overdrew your account, can you stuff the money back in? Because, uh, I sort of need to do that.
Stop asking me if I want to set facebook as my homepage every time I log in. I love facebook, but I don’t need it to be the crux of my internet usage. Occasionally I have real-people things to do online and I don’t need to know that “Mary is remember push-pops?” when I’m looking up the glucose range for diabetes.
Coffee just makes me more alert while I procrastinate.
I love it when people say they pride themselves on being honest. “Man, I just hate it when people placate each other. I just tell it how it is. I’m honest”. No. You’re an asshole. Brutal honesty is license to be a dick. It’s not like I don’t know what you mean when you say “oh, uh, yeah, nice show, man”. I’m not stupid, I was there too, I know it sucked. You want complete honesty, fine, nobody likes you and I ate your last cookie, eat a dick.
I was in a bathroom stall and on the wall was written, “Jesus loves you” and below it was written, “But everyone else thinks you’re an asshole”. I think that’s a good thing to remember.
I’ve heard that we are the ADD generation and I totally believe that because about 25% of the time I call someone, by the time they answer, a mere 30 seconds later, I’ve forgotten who I’ve called and have to make awkward coughing noises while I look at my phone to see who I dialed before I end up saying “whats up, motherfucker?” to my grandma.
“Beer before liquor you’ve never been sicker” or had such an awesome time.
Whenever I’m sick or hurt, it’s really important that I be a lot more sick and hurt when people are around.
If you introduced yourself to me as Boober T. Poopybottom, I wouldn’t even flinch. When we are co-introducing ourselves, I don’t hear a word you say. I am concentrating so insanely hard on saying my own name correctly (which is 3 letters, by the way) and not sounding like an invalid that by the time our handshake is over, I have entered a different plane of existence.
Has anyone used their college major for anything ever?
Apple just released an iPhone update for download that has a “decrease in dropped calls”. That means, this whole time, you could have just written a program that improves my service? I could have heard “take exit 235” before I roared past exit 235? I will punch the shit out of you Apple.
I’ve hit my limit on facebook groups and applications. I just can’t handle anymore. I don’t want to be part of your Oregon Trail wagon; I’m not interested in starting a “Mob War”; and those Mott’s Applesauce single packs are good, but I’m not sure I would “punch my mom in the face for one”. My quota for inside jokes, favorite pop icons and general debauchery is filled, I’m sorry. Please seek membership elsewhere.
No matter how many squares of toilet paper you use or how thoroughly you shake it out, a little will always drip into your underwear. These are the facts of life.
Towel, you are a constant disappointment. Your entire existence centers around whisking away water, not being the only piece of clothing still sopping wet when coming out of the dryer. I don't want my doctor to be the sickest of my friends and I don't want my towel to be the wettest of my clothes. And you, Dryer, start drying my damn clothes. All you ever give me is lint and moldy clothes. I leave my clothes in there for days at a time; the least you can do is have them dry by that fateful day I finally decide to stop wearing my swim trunks.
If I park in a handicap spot, the ticket is $125; that makes sense. However, what is the penalty for using a handicap bathroom stall? I feel so guilty when I’m in there that I don’t even take out my phone to play snood. If I was handicapped and someone forced me to park far away, I would be annoyed. If I had to poopsies, and the only stall in which I could physically do that in was used by some douche who wants the extra room to set his briefcase out of the splash zone, I would poo on the floor and rub his nose in it.
Sometimes, when I’m trying to get work done, I will offer myself a reward of distraction. For example, if I finish the intro section of the project I’m working on, I might reward myself with some YouTube. The problem is that the task takes 4 min. and the reward will go ahead and finish out the hour. I am bordering on doing a completely different task. At this point, my distraction is my project.
If it’s inappropriate to lick the plate at a seven course $200 a person bullshit restaurant, then give me more food, Frenchie. I could’ve had Chipotle.
Is there a way to get ice out of an ice tray without spilling 16 out of the 18 cubes onto the floor? And to follow, is there a way to clean up that ice without missing at least one cube that sits under the fridge, magically attracting every piece of dirt in the kitchen, even inviting pieces of dirt from kitchens down the street, sending evites to pieces of dirt that the dirt knew from college, only to melt, creating a freezing cold dirt puddle in the exact position I’m going to put my sandleless foot when I want my Icee Pop?
The reason New York is the greatest city in America is because with 8 million people, your daily odds of running into crazy are drastically increased. A guy on the subway yesterday started yelling to the whole car about how the untimely death of Bernie Mac (God rest his hilarious soul) should reinstate our love for Jesus. You know, now that I think about it, if Bernie Mac can succumb to pneumonia with an autoimmune disease, well gosh, none of us have a chance without Jesus. Thanks for showing me the light with your Subway Car Bernie Mac sermon.
I'll do it. I'll step up to the plate and pay for it. I'll take out a loan and pay it back over 30 years, even with interest rates the way they are, just for the benefit of all male-kind. Please, please God someone put up a divider in between every urinal. The stiff necks, the memorization of every millimeter of nuance in the 4 tiles in front of me, the stops, the starts, even my molecules stop moving and keep their eyes on the prize. I can't take it anymore. Just tell me where to sign. Also, dude, use THAT one, the one 15 urinals away. Dick.
I’m 25, why do I still get nervous every time a bouncer asks for my ID? I fumble to pull it out, try to stand up straight and look the bouncer in the eyes, make some joke about how old I am to my friends so he can see how us old people can joke so nonchalantly about such things, except…I am that old…that is me…that is my actual address…my second form is my real credit card...that I just used to buy stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond...where I receive 3% back anually. I think college gave me post-traumatic stress disorder.
The nike shoe that talks to the ipod thing while you run weirds me out. I feel like they’re talking about me; Shoe: Did you see how far Fatty just ran? iPod: Yeah I think his arm fat jiggled my hard drive loose. The next time he puts me on shuffle I'm going to play "I'm Too Sexy" and skip every time they say, "sexy." Shoe: LOL
It creeps me out that puzzles have survived this long in modern culture. A puzzle is a game in which someone takes a picture, cuts it up into small jagged pieces and then your job is to clean up their mess. Look, you duplicated the picture that's on the front of this box on the table. I have been eating my breakfast on the floor for weeks so that you could confirm that yes, in fact, the little pieces with the tree-looking colors, did actually make a tree when put together. Congratulations, have a cookie, you deserve it.
I love people who have facebook photos that are cropped shots of them with other people. In fact, this is my new category of friend, "cropped out friend". It's the kind of friend who you lived with freshman year but haven't talked to since. You still have their screen-name, and that Offspring CD might be theirs. Or even better, the cropped out ex. You see the chopped off arms affectionately wrapped around the chest, in formal attire, roses in hand, wedding ring in place, prenup signed, just cropped the hell out. Screw them, you're fucking hot.
How the hell do you get your contacts out when drunk? You’re not able to walk in a straight line, you can’t recite your name, let alone the alphabet, even you think you might be slurring your words and you just tried to hook up with your roommate’s jacket. But somehow the ability remains to take a transparent, soft, plastic disc the size of a dime out of the delicate tissue of your eye, place it gently in the palm of your hand, and rinse it with a squirt bottle, then place it safely in a small round container.
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