Ruminations
Walking is not exercise. Unless, of course, you weigh 400 pounds.
5 
If you're the singer, not the guitarist, you should not be throwing guitar picks into the crowd with your autograph on them.
I wish tan would spread to the covered parts of your body. My ass is so white I could signal airplanes with it.
One of the most important things to do when starting a new job is to search out good places to hide to take naps when necessary.
You would think the teacher's union would have the sense to not call my cell phone while I'm teaching. You would be wrong.
A lot of people tell everyone that they're younger than they really are. I like to tell people I'm way older than I really am. That way they think I look amazingly good, and hopefully they feel really bad about themselves.
Summertime is great because there's so much good fruit available for me to let go bad in my fridge and throw away.
I hate it when the girl with perfect body running in front of me is so slow that I have no choice but to pass her. What am I supposed to do now for inspiration, look at the squirrels?
If "all your representatives are currently busy" when I call, you need to hire more representatives.
Why is it that my nightmares are always in the middle of the night, but my good dreams always start just a little before my alarm goes off?
There were way more hot women at the grocery store today than normal. Of course, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I drove 7 miles out of my way to the store next to the university.
It annoys me that my German brother-in-law's Schwartzenegger impression isn't even as good as mine.
Driving a drunk girl home takes on new meaning when home is 120 miles away.
There's something inherently wrong with a stripper dancing to Justin Bieber.
The two inventions I think the world needs immediately are a shutoff valve for an oil derrick, and a cell phone that doesn't turn into a paperweight when exposed to water.
I worry that my hook-ups will meet someday and it will be awkward. Therefore, I always try for threesomes in the first place to just get it out of the way.
If, as you approach the bar, you see that the parking lot is full of cops, just keep driving. You don't want any of that action.
OK, DVD. I understand that I can't skip the FBI warning, but do I really have to sit through it in French as well?
I tend to run at the speed of the music I'm listening to. Damn it Slayer! You could have killed me out there today!
No officer, I don't know what the speed limit on Campbell is. 35? Hmm. No sir, I don't know how fast I was going. 60? Sorry 'bout that. Yes officer, I realize my registration is expired. What? You're not giving me a warning? That's bullshit!
The chances that Anthony Daniels, the guy who played C3PO will ever have a non-Star Wars related job are approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one.
I'm not above throwing a vicious cock-block. If I can't have sex with a woman, then no one should. Except maybe her husband.
My sister asked me if I have a will. I told her to just give me a Viking funeral and torch my house with me inside it and collect the insurance money. It would be better than the debt I'd leave behind.
My fortune cookie today said "participation in sports may lead to a lucrative career". I guess it isn't time to give up on pro hockey yet.
There is someone out there for everyone. Unfortunately, statistically speaking, based on the numbers, yours is probably in India or China.
If I bring you coffee in the morning, you are not allowed to complain about the kind of creamer or sweetener I bring you.
I think a lot of depressed people weren't depressed until they saw the Pristiq commercial. The music alone makes me want to kill myself.
Someone stole my boxers while I was playing hockey this morning. I don't know which is worse, the fact that I'm going commando while teaching, or the fact that someone in this school has my underwear.
Playoff hockey is much better when you're at the game. And there's a lot more cleanup involved when you're throwing octopus at your TV.
Once you've bungee jumped, the rest of the rides at the fair just aren't that exciting anymore.
I don't understand how anyone can exercise to anything but metal. I credit my 10 mile run today half to myself and half to Lamb of God and Hatebreed.
I feel sorry for people who show more gum than teeth when they smile.
The older I get, the easier it becomes to tell whether a girl is too young for me to reasonably hit on her. Do I find her attractive? Then she's probably too young.
Holding a girl's ankles while she does sit-ups during an intense workout comes way too close to looking into her sex face. How am I supposed to concentrate on counting for her?
Why is it that the only parts of my body that ever itch are the ones I can't reach? Well, except my balls of course.
No more merry-go-rounds or teeter-totters on playgrounds, slides made out of plastic, bike helmets, car seats in the back seat...Not only are we raising a generation of pussies, but we're subverting natural selection.
I've come to the conclusion that it’s physically impossible for a girl to sit shotgun and not put her feet up on the dash.
If you have guy friends, and you don't expect some ball-busting, you're in for a rude awakening.
What kind of guy looks at doubles luge and thinks, "Yes, that's the sport I want to do"?
Going to the bar on Valentine's Day is similar to a shark stumbling upon a bunch of wounded fish separated from the school. The difference being that you probably shouldn't eat anything you can get that easily in a bar.
I've never understood why people think the librarian look is sexy. I want my girl to be incredibly smart, I just don't want her to look like it.
I wonder how many people watched the Super Bowl halftime and were confused why the NFL got a band full of old people to play CSI theme songs.
I find it personally offensive when a commercial during the Super Bowl isn't even trying to be funny.
You say, "I'm not good at parallel parking." I hear, "I have no business driving in a big city."
I never realize how much black I wear until I do laundry and separate my clothes into the huge pile, and the tiny pile.
We already have the word "use". There is no need to utilize the word "utilize".
"There's no such thing as a stupid kid." "Every kid has some kind of talent." "There are no bad kids." Lies. All lies.
Every movie ever made needs to be released on DVD and Blu-Ray immediately. What's the hold up?
I've met many people named Angel over the years. Not one of them came anywhere near deserving that name.
I don't actually need a liver transplant yet, but I was thinking that maybe I could get an extra one installed as a precaution.
Whenever they put a sympathy card in the teachers' workroom for us all to sign, I always haul ass over there so I get dibs on "Sorry for your loss". If that one gets taken, I have no idea what to write.
I teach troubleshooting in my technology classes. Not just because it's a valuable skill, but because I hate doing it, and I like pawning that job off on the kids whenever possible.
Today was my favorite day of the year to go observe one of the newbie science teachers. Today she taught a room full of 7th graders that Uranus is a gas planet.
Subtitles suck. If I wanted to read, I wouldn't be watching TV. I'm looking at you, Heroes.
When required to include a number in a password, is there anyone who doesn't choose 69?
How does the U.S. Olympic team find snowboarders who can pass a drug test?
I just got some of the Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwback, made with real sugar. I have to ask: who's idiotic idea was it to switch from sugar to corn syrup? Fuck corn syrup.
Why is there such a thing as an egg-white omelette? Everyone knows eggs are worthless without the yolk.
Sex addiction, my ass. What Tiger has that the rest of us don't is a lot more opportunity.
Happiness is a new surround sound system, blu-ray, and a plasma TV that's unreasonably big for my living room. I may never leave the house again.
If a girl you've liked for a while gets drunk and then opens up to you to complain about what a douchebag her boyfriend is, and that he never wants sex, is it wrong to put the moves on her? It is if the boyfriend is a gun owner.
I was sitting watching some paint dry the other day, and I thought, "Wow, this is almost as boring as baseball."
I've accepted the fact that everyone else in morning traffic is conspiring to piss me off. It's the days when they've all decided to try to kill me that I really hate.
It amazes me how little my parents drink. Last time I was at their house I discovered a bottle of wine that was so old I'm pretty sure Jesus turned it from a bottle of water.
So far I've been successful with my 'get more sleep' resolution. Unfortunately, that has completely fucked up my 'get to work on time' resolution.
Hey newspeople, stop calling it "the white stuff". It's snow. Unless the middles from Oreo cookies start falling from the sky, call it snow.
I'm not sure which is worse, the dirty bathroom, or the stench of the cleaning products that never comes off your hands.
The teachers here are supposed to wear ties the first week back from a break, in order to show the kids we mean business, and keep them on track. I can hear it now. "Uh oh, Mac's in a tie. I better quit the gang, stop smoking pot, and get that 4.0"
There are few things as sweet as a canceled meeting.
New Year's Day is tough enough without deciding to drink something from every ethnic restaurant or bar downtown - carbombs, sake bombs, tequila shots, wine, vodka shots, martinis, etc. - on New Year's Eve.
All apartments should come with a separate refrigerator for each roommate.
If a giant tree falls on a forest planet, and there's no one but CGI characters there to hear it, does it make a sound?
New Year's Eve is like the most powerful last call of all.
There is nothing more annoying than the colony of refugee hairs huddling in your shirt collar immediately after a haircut.
Identity theft may have been really easy in the 1800s, but it was also pointless, since there was no credit. You may convince the world that you're "Jedidiah Bradford", but that shot of whiskey is still gonna cost you an actual nickel.
There are some cars that almost require the driver to have a mullet.
Let me make sure I have this right. Christmas is when we commemorate the time Jesus hitched his disciples to a sleigh and slid down all the chimneys in Bethlehem to leave presents, and eat the holy cookies and milk?
If there's one thing I've learned from 80s action movies, it's that all punk rockers are crazy, violent, and prone to fits of maniacal laughter.
Pixar movies will be so much better when Randy Newman finally retires. Or dies. Whichever.
Do you hate the cold, and wish you had Arizona's weather right now? At least you aren't still being attacked by bees in mid-December.
I don't care how advanced the animation is now, the old stop-motion Christmas specials are way better than any of the new ones.
I'm not sure which is more unpleasant to sit through, a game where the home team is getting their ass kicked, or dental surgery.
If you aren't in a crosswalk, you better be running, because I'm not slowing down.
I was checking out a hot girl yesterday, when I unfortunately noticed she was wearing a huge wedding ring with a ton of diamonds on it. Then she walked into the 99 cent store. Gee, too bad your husband spent the Christmas money on that ring.
Hey other guy in traffic, it's not a race. Well actually, it is a race, but it's me versus the clock at work. You have nothing to do with it.
I just got my ticket to go see Slayer and Megadeth. It's going to be just like the good old days back in high school! Except back then I wasn't the only one there who wasn't fat and bald, and the tickets didn't cost a day's pay.
If you wear a cowboy hat to your own wedding, you suck at life.
Much like a kid who does exactly what their parents tell them not to do, I often don't wear my seatbelt simply because my car beeps at me when I don't.
I have the worst birthday in the world. Who's going to go out and party with me on Christmas Eve? You just can't compete with Jesus.
I might as well hibernate during winter. Once the sun starts going down by the time I get home from work, I become totally useless.
No matter how old someone guesses I am, my answer is always "Hey, good guess!" Unless they guess older than I really am, in which case my answer is always "What?! Are you kidding me?"
Anything potatoes can do, sweet potatoes can do better.
Dear NBC, my family turned on the Thanksgiving parade to watch a parade, not promotions for every single show on your network, while the parade passes by in the background.
What's with all these charities only asking for "non-perishable" food items? If I was poor, I would definitely want someone to donate the occasional steak or pizza.
Black Friday is a dumb name for the day after Thanksgiving. It sounds like a day to memorialize some horrible tragedy.
I'm so glad Taco Bell didn't go with the pseudo-Mexican theme for breakfast. A french toast sandwich? Freakin' genius!
Why is it that when I'm not dreaming, I know I'm not, but when I am dreaming, I never realize that until I wake up?
What good to me is a buy-one-get-one-free coupon? I live alone and I'm single. Just give me one meal and make it cheaper.
You're in all of our thoughts and prayers. Well, actually you're just in my thoughts and everybody else's prayers.
Today is one of those days where I seriously feel like just driving away and never coming back. But then I realized that no longer having a job and gas at $2.50/gal means I'll probably get as far as El Paso and have to live there the rest of my life.
If you're still hanging your tassel on your rear view mirror, and it's been over a year since you graduated, that's pretty sad.
I don't understand how anyone can shower at night and not in the morning. Once I've been asleep, my hair looks like a cross between a mad scientist and a porcupine.
I wish I had a bumper on my car like a cop car, and I could push other cars when they refuse to turn right on red or lead off on a left turn.
If you side with Coke in the Cola Wars, you are the enemy. Not that I give a damn about any particular cola, but the more ground Pepsi gains, the more places I can get Mountain Dew.
Coming back to get my clothes out of the dryer and finding that they're still damp makes me want to burn down the laundry room.
It's no wonder you never see Hobbes hanging out with Calvin anymore. All that guy does these days is pray and piss on stuff.
One of my goals is that one year I will successfully convince one of the new guys that we have "no pants Fridays" at work.
I'm not saying you should get hooked on drugs, but if you're in a band, and you were all strung out when you made your best albums, please don't go to rehab. Your "clean" stuff is going to suck.
My old lady neighbor locked herself out last night and borrowed my phone to call someone to let her in. This morning I came outside and she yelled up at me, "Hey Tom, thanks for last night!" Thanks, old lady. Now I have to move.
I never say "bless you" or "gesundheit" when one of my students sneezes. I always sternly say, "No sneezing!" I don't want their swine flu, plus I like to make sure they remember who's in charge.
I often chew gum only as an excuse to politely offer gum to another person who's breath smells like an open grave.
It's probably not a good idea to stay up late drinking heavily when camping. Especially when there are animals around. There's always someone who will end up taking the "$100 to give that skunk an eskimo kiss" dare seriously.
It's not a good idea to either pay or collect a debt during happy hour.
No electronic format will ever be a satisfying as buying an actual CD.
There's nothing more disappointing on your commute to work than speeding to catch up with the red Mustang convertible with the long flowing blonde hair blowing in the wind, only to find out the driver is a fossil old enough to be my grandmother.
Remember when we had land lines, and if you fell asleep or passed out on the phone and the other person hung up, there would be a horrible loud beeping that would wake you up? They really should have that on cell phones.
It's been 2 years of searching, but I finally found Count Chocula in a store. And all is now right with the world.
I said "crap" in one of my 6th grade classes yesterday. A bunch of the kids were horrified. One told me, "You said the C-word!" I've been using foul language my whole life, and I'm pretty sure that crap isn't the C-word.
Every cloud has a silver lining. For instance, the rising unemployment rate is making morning commute traffic much less of a problem.
Bands should realize that their old stuff is always way better than what's on their newest album, and they should plan their setlists accordingly. I'm looking at you, Blink-182 and Fall Out Boy.
You know you're at a ridiculously hot, sticky, overcrowded concert when even the girls smell terrible.
The official city motto of Detroit should be "Last one out, please turn off the lights."
If lobsters were cute and fuzzy, no way would people cuff them and dump them into boiling water while they were still alive. But since they look like creatures from a bad sci-fi movie, it's game on.
Dear old lady behind me in the grocery store line: The more typical old lady comment about what a handsome young man I am would have been a lot less disgusting than your rubbing up against me in line. I've never run out of a store so fast.
If you ever compare any American politician to Hitler, you really need to read a book about Hitler.
If I already bought a ticket to your overpriced concert, sports event, or miscellaneous happening, you owe me a free parking space. Especially since I'll probably be buying a $10 Miller Lite once I'm inside.
I bought my house about 2 years ago. I've been very happy until this morning when I had to become Big Game Hunter and take out the world's largest cockroach in my bathroom. Time for me to move.
If your fast food joint's commercials show your burger with the lettuce, tomato, etc, underneath the meat, I will not be eating at your restaurant. You're trying too hard to be different, and it's just weird.
Today, the U.S. lost a political giant. In related news, scotch stocks plummeted.
You too will soon know the horror of going to see a band you grew up with that was once exciting and dangerous, and being surrounded by old fat people with their kids. No one escapes it.
I told the girl I was with that I thought the new Harry Potter movie was the "Empire Strikes Back" of the series. She had no idea what I meant because she had seen all the Harry Potter movies multiple times but never seen Empire. I think we're done.
A woman can give a guy oral sex without any ill effects whatsoever, but if that guy touches the exact same part and then walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands, people act like the Andromeda Strain has been unleashed on the world.
I'll bet Voldemort would have a bitch of a time trying to use Breathe Right Strips.
What's with all this cheese-stuffed crust, extra cheese, 4 cheese pizza? What makes a good pizza is the crust and the sauce. The cheese is incidental. It's an adhesive to hold the pepperoni onboard.
Every time I go to a concert and see a guy with white power tattoos on his face, I think the same thing: What kind of job could this guy have? I used to get rejected by employers for having my ear pierced.
Hey random drunk guy, I paid $40 to hear the band play their songs, not to hear you screaming them in my ear. And you putting your arm around my shoulders like you're my best pal during your favorite part of each song doesn't make it any better.
Quite a few people drove up to the mountains yesterday to enjoy nature. I think I speak for all of us when I say no one wanted to hear your goddamn radio.
My beard sucks. I get a 5 o'clock shadow, but it's more like 5 a.m. If I wanted a real 5 o'clock shadow, I would have to shave at night, and give it that extra 8 hours to grow.
Too many teams use the same boring mascots, when there are plenty of fearsome animals not being used. How about the Richmond Rhinoceroses, the Hartford Hyenas, or even the Tennessee Tapeworms?
Saturday morning cartoons are now apparently all produced by some Christian group, and they're supposed to be "good for your kids". Man, it must suck to be a kid these days.
I'm very confused how I got this random tiger stripe of sunburn below swimsuit level. And I'm annoyed, because I'm asymmetrical now.
I think I get a little too annoyed at pushy salespeople. Walking through the mall yesterday, I was asked 5 times by 3 different cell phone guys, "Hey man, what kind of service you got?" I finally answered, "Oral. From your girlfriend."
Bad choice, Marian Hossa. I guess hindsight is 20/20.
Dogs are like kids. The quieter yours are, the more I like them.
Well, at least I don't have to buy a Red Wings "Stanley Cup Champions" t-shirt today.
Whenever I hear the woman on the commercial say she "needs her carpet cleaned", I can't help but think that sounds dirty.
Stepping on a stingray really ruins a day of surfing.
I'm pretty sure the reason Christianity is the #1 religion in the world is simply because they have the best holidays.
Having a box of breath mints on my nightstand has served me at least as well over the years as having a box of condoms there.
The news media drives me nuts. Last week the front page of the Arizona Republic had 2 tiny headlines: N. Korea's nuclear weapon test and GM's bankruptcy. The huge headline? "Arizona's 2 National Spelling Bee Contestants Are Eliminated"
It's difficult being a long-time fan of a team that's been consistently good for the last ten years. When I go to a bar and root for the Red Wings, I feel like I have to produce an electric bill that proves I lived in Detroit to avoid being judged.
Nothing makes me want to hollow out my ears with a fork quite like having to listen to unending post-breakup drama between two friends.
Dear tennis players, enough with the ridiculous noises. Especially you that's on TV right now. You sound like you're being choked during sex.
Arizona has installed so many speed cameras everywhere, that now I feel like I have to look my best everytime I drive anywhere.
The way for any hack to make most people rave about what a great cook they are: use a ton of garlic in whatever you cook. The way to make sure I won't eat your cooking: same way.
As much as the students can't wait for summer vacation, I guarantee the teachers are anticipating it even more.
My friends and I went to a strip club last night. At one point, I had a girl in my lap who said her name was "Blossom", and one of my friends had a girl in his lap who said her name was "Bubbles". I asked if they had a friend named "Buttercup" for my other friend. No one got the reference, which in retrospect might have been a good thing.
It feels really good when you know you had an influence on a student. Like last week when I told one of my punker girls she should check out some of the old punk bands, like the Exploited. Yesterday she showed up to class wearing an Exploited t-shirt. Heartwarming.
My grandfather always said not to make a big deal out of his funeral. "Just throw me in the dumpster" he said. His ashes were in an urn waiting to be taken to the family plot in Scotland, when my grandmother's house was burglarized. They stole the urn. I'm guessing Grandpa got his wish.
Once you're married, unless your wife is a stay at home mom, I don't get why expensive gifts like you see on car or jewelry commercials should make her so happy. Aren't you just spending huge amounts of the communal cash, thereby making her buy half her gift?
I finished a thing of deodorant today on my left armpit, and had to open a new one for my right. I noticed afterward that the new one was a different scent. Now I have this weird feeling that people are noticing I smell different on each side.
If you rear-end someone in traffic, then take off, you should be hunted down and chopped into quivering chunks of sushi, Running Man-style.
One of the most embarrassing things ever is reaching for your turn signal, only to find out it's already been flashing for god knows how long. I feel like, OK, just send me my AARP card a few decades early. I deserve it.
It's tough being a hockey fan in Arizona. People are always putting the best sport down. These are the same people who watch soccer, and then have the gall to compare the two. OK, fine, soccer is just like hockey, except usually hockey games don't end in a 0-0 tie, there are actually shots on goal more than once an hour, and if a hockey player gets touched by another player, he doesn't roll around on the ground crying like a pussy.
With all the companies going out of business these days, can we please get Ticketmaster to be one of them?
I drove through KFC a few nights ago, and the voice told me they had no chicken. Why the fuck don't you shut off the lights and go home then?
I'm beginning to think hockey players purposefully time their goals for the exact second I look away from the TV.
Want to make your trip to the Chinese buffet more fun? Take a Sharpie with you. Turn the cards that identify the food around and write things like "Kung Pao Cat", "Sweet and Sour Dog", and "BBQ Panda" on them, then watch the senior citizens load their plates.
Jane Seymour might call it her "Open Hearts" design, but to me it just looks like a snake ready to strike.
When I first came to Boston, the first thing I had to do was get a picture of myself in front of Samuel Adams' grave. It was not because he is my favorite Founding Father.
Look up "overrated" in the dictionary, and you'll see a picture of the Beatles. Or at least you should, but the people at Webster's are probably too busy sucking the Beatles' dicks too.
Apparently, the new Barbie comes with a tramp stamp. Great. We almost got past this generation's girls having their idiot sorority sisters telling them those ugly things were awesome. Now we've lost the next generation's girls.
I have never done anything "for Christ's sake". I figure he can probably take care of himself.
I went to Comic-Con in San Diego last summer. It was at least half women, and most of them were hot! They were ridiculously nerdy just like the men, and most dressed up as characters from Star Wars or anime. Where the hell were the hot nerd girls when I was in school?!?
We were supposed to take all our students outside for 1st period. About 30 guys got together to play football. By that I mean 4 guys played football, and 26 guys ran around desperately trying to get the 4 to acknowledge their existence. The QB would rather throw to his friend, under octuple coverage, than throw to the guy standing wide open in the end zone.
Fuck the chase, it's the catch that's thrilling.
I caught a kid 3 times looking at Craigslist at used pickup trucks yesterday. I took remote control of his computer and sent him to Barney.com. There was an animated Barney covering his screen and he couldn't do a thing about it. Soon the other kids noticed and started singing the Barney song. I thought the kid was going to cry. Hey amigo, mess with me 3 times in a period, and you get what you deserve.
If you don't believe in evolution, I think you're just bitter because evolution obviously passed you by.
My friend has a Magellan GPS, which she calls "Maggie" for short. Sometimes Maggie will say, "Enter a command", and my friend likes to tease her. She usually says, "Dance, Maggie." I have yet to witness Maggie following that command.
When you're up at 3 AM and watching TV drunk, which infomercial comes on can make a big difference. The P90X workout program this year has turned out to be a much better decision than the Girls Gone Wild video club was in college.
If the name does not appear on any shot glass, coffee mug, or bicycle license plate at the souvenir shop at your nearest Six Flags, do not name your kid that name.
A few years ago my band had a groupie that turned out to live in my complex. After getting to know me, she began to trap me into long conversations where she would tell me how screwed up I am and how every decision I ever made was wrong. The last time it happened, she was standing under a tree chastising me, and a giant blob of bird shit landed on her head. Possibly one of the best things that has ever happened.
There is nothing more annoying or idiotic than a casino sports book showing multiple horse races on all the big screens when there are football, hockey, basketball and baseball games being played.
With all the out of work Americans, we can't find anyone, maybe even a Kentuckian to run Kentucky Fried Chicken?
I'm sick of seeing commercials and bumper stickers telling me that drivers of cars and trucks are careless and cause all kinds of motorcyclist deaths. I think it's more likely that the problem is that everyone I see on a motorcycle drives up the lane lines between cars, doesn't wear a helmet, and drives 80 miles an hour on city streets, weaving in and out of lanes.
In retrospect, my adventurous high school girlfriend and I probably should have scoped out the McDonald's a little better before having sex in the top level of the Playland fortress. We might have discovered the security camera that was pointing right at that spot. Or that the monitor for that camera was right behind the counter, pointed toward the customers.
All of us are idiots when we're young. We all know this. The problem is that a lot of older people are still idiots.
A few years ago, our bass player Chris quit the band. I wrote a fake obituary that said he was found dead, naked in an empty bathtub after a house party the night that he quit. I made up a fake username on a fan site and said I found the obituary in the newspaper. The news spread all over people's myspaces and a bunch of fan sites within hours. I got a call the next day from Chris saying that his parents were panicking because they were getting sympathy calls from strangers on the death of their son. He was not amused.
Yes, I drive an SUV, and for two reasons: First, I'm not the asshole who waits forever to turn left because he can't see if there's oncoming traffic. Second, if you and I get in an accident, I win.
No one ever wants to name their kid a name that reminds him of someone they hated. That's very difficult for a teacher, who will usually have a ton of kids that piss him off. Fortunately, most of my kids are Hispanic, so I haven't lost very many name possibilities that I would have used anyway.
Jesus is the answer. But only if the question is "What topic do you wish your friend would shut the fuck up about on your Spring Break trip to Mexico?"
The bad news is that thousands of the WWII generation are dying every day. The good news is that every day there are thousands fewer people standing in front of us at the grocery store writing checks.
I feel like you could catch a disease just from looking at pictures of Amy Winehouse.
I think I'm the only guy who would have picked Lisa Turtle over either Kelly Kapowski or Jessie Spano.
Sometimes I lose all faith in mankind and I think opposable thumbs were wasted on humans. I wonder if any other animals would have done a better job if they had been given opposable thumbs instead of us.
Spring Break in Mexico is definitely a different experience when no one else has the same Spring Break as you do.
My uncle and I were walking around downtown and noticed a hot girl. She put a cigarette in her mouth, and I said "Oh, never mind." My uncle's response: "Hey man, if she'll put something as filthy as a cigarette in her mouth, she'll put anything in her mouth." Maybe that's true, but I'm not sure I needed to hear that from my dad's 50 year old married brother.
You can destroy just about any food by the way you prepare it. But you can't fuck up a potato or an egg.
Casino bar in Vegas. 4 A.M. Drunk bridesmaids. From England. Fish in a barrel, my friends. Fish in a barrel.
I'm a typing machine on a regular computer keyboard, but give me a laptop, and suddenly I'm learning to type all over again.
So, Easter commemorates when Jesus hid eggs for the disciples to find, and then he turned all the rabbits into chocolate, right?
Two times I went to the Warped Tour and saw a new act that was so horribly bad that I turned to the people I was with and said, "Get a good look. You'll never see or hear from these guys again." Those acts: Eminem and Limp Bizkit. Oops.
I've been in bad situations before where everything went wrong, but I still don't think anything could be quite as bad as the shit actually hitting the fan would be.
Disneyland has 3 roller coasters. Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain are very cool. But the Matterhorn forces you to sit in between the legs of the other person in your car. This is unacceptable when you're at Disneyland with a group of guys. Thanks a lot for the awkwardness, Walt.
If evolution is supposed to result in species developing features that make survival and reproduction easier, then why haven't we evolved to smell like like something awesome when we exercise and get all sweaty? Like maybe fresh chocolate chip cookies.
No, your new short hair is not cute. While all your girlfriends are telling you how cute it is, all the guys are wishing you kept it long.
I think the watch industry is the next one we'll need to bailout. I don't know anyone 30 or under who still wears a watch. Ask anyone what time it is, and they look at their cell phone. Maybe Timex should start making phones.
I've always wanted to write a novel. Sometimes I wake up and think, "Wow, what an amazing dream! That should be the plot of my book!" By the time the fog clears from my brain in the shower, I realize how incredibly stupid it was, just like all dreams.
The radio always plays the worst song on the album.
One of my kids who does no work came up to me and asked what his grade was. I told him F wasn't low enough, so I had to give him an H. But I told him not to worry, it was an H+
My friend just got a job as the uniform manager for a casino in Vegas. He spends his days fitting tiny little outfits and bikinis on cocktail waitresses and pool girls. Sometimes dreams do come true.
If you don't know who Suicidal Tendencies are, turn in your skateboard.
There is a house with a wall facing a major intersection across from the University of Arizona that has "Happiness Is Submission To God" in huge letters on it. My band was trying to name our album and couldn't come up with anything. I drove by that wall on the way to work, and someone had painted "zilla" next to "God". Thank you, mystery vandal. Our album is dedicated to you.
Porn producers used to be so much more creative back when all the porno names were parodies of legit movies. "Indiana Bones In The Temple Of Poon" took a lot more thought than "Sorority Sluts 28".
I overheard my sister in a heated argument over politics with her friend from South Carolina yesterday. Her: "You guys' ideas are so messed up! You're against everything America stands for! You should just leave this country and start your own!" Him: "We tried! You guys wouldn't let us!"
Middle schoolers are so stupid and obvious when they try to cheat. At what age did we all figure out how to do it?
If I was Bill Gates rich, my faucets would have hot, cold, Mountain Dew, and Guiness.
The Africans really blew it. If they had domesticated their animals, they could have dominated the world. Europeans on horseback would have shit their pants in the face of an African army mounted on angry rhinoceroses and elephants.
When I did my internship in college at a big downtown Phoenix company, once a week a bunch of the IT guys would take the company van to a Mexican place for lunch and everyone but me would guzzle pitchers of margaritas. Thus came the inevitable quandary: the intern is the only guy who's not drunk, and he's also the only guy who's not allowed to drive the company van.
There are a lot of douchebags and other various annoyances at concerts. But the worst has got to be the morbidly obese guy or girl that presses up against you in the crowd, partially enveloping you. Then to add insult to injury, as if you weren't nauseous enough, they start banging their head, thrashing you in the face with their sweaty waist length hair.
My rich great uncle and aunt both died last year. As my uncle was wrapping things up, he actually said, "It's really good that no one in the family needs money." Yeah, I was trying to buy a house, and my sister was planning her wedding, but no one needs money. He gave everything to some local college in Tampa that no one he knows went to. I think it's amazing that I was still sad when he died.
My dad grew up in South Dakota. Someone he just met asked him where he was from, and my dad told her. She said, "Yeah, I thought I heard a southern accent in there."
When my students ask me what time it is, it takes everything I've got not to say "half past the monkey's ass". I usually go with the standby, "time to get a watch".
Someone asked me, "If you could have any 2 bands' tour buses get in a head-on collision with no survivors, who would it be?" I said I would have the Dave Matthews Band split into 2 buses.
There aren't many things as demoralizing as being defeated by a sudoku. Especially when it's only a medium level.
I don't understand how polygamist societies can survive. If there was one guy in my neighborhood hogging all the trim, you can bet I and all the other guys who weren't getting any would be waiting by his door to kill him when he came out to get his paper in the morning.
Man, I really wanted to get my Tivo cleared off before March Madness started. Foiled again.
Apparently, one of the major gangs we have here is the "Juggalos". As if being in a gang didn't make you a loser douchebag in the first place, you guys name your gang after the Insane Clown Posse? You guys are a complete waste of space.
All the kids and teachers here had strings of cheap green beads on St. Patty's Day. There is a teacher, who shall remain nameless, who's neck is still green. I think back to when I saw tons of kids chewing on those beads, and I'm willing to bet they all lost at least 10 IQ points that day. Thanks for the cheap trinkets, China.
Is it wrong to have CBS on in my room all day during March Madness if my students are all working on something independently?
If you name your son Guy, you are guaranteeing he will only be able to be a local newscaster or a game show host. Unless you pronounce it "Gee", in which case he will have to be a hockey player.
If you aren't the lead singer in your band, don't stage dive into the crowd. They won't catch you, and concrete hurts. A lot. Trust me on this one.
The teachers at my school have a code so you can walk into another teacher's class and tell him something without tipping off the kids. "Staff meeting at north campus" means "We're going to happy hour at the bar just up the road." "Jim has ballet tickets, want to go?" means "A bunch of us are hitting the strip club tonight".
What does a "sportscar" have to do with sports? Soccer is a sport, and soccer moms drive minivans.
Do you really want to be happy as a clam? I think clams actually don't have emotions.
No man will ever fully decode womanspeak, but I have learned this: "I'm busy Friday, but how about Saturday?" means just that. "I'm busy Friday" means if there was a nuclear war and you and she were the last living organisms on earth, she still wouldn't go out with you.
OK, Midlife Crisis Man, either speed or forfeit your sports car and buy a Cadillac.
You know the coffee at your office is bad if it smells like stale cigarettes.
I can't wear beer goggles. By the time I've had enough to think a really ugly girl looks good, I've had too much to operate, or possibly even stay off the floor.
There are some people that are so unbelievably stupid, that I can't figure out how they even survive. Like, how do they even find the hole to put the food in? Unfortunately, I have to show results teaching some of these people.
If the AIG executives want their bonuses, I say let's give them to them. In gold. Molten. Poured down their throats.
OK, I'm not a tall guy, and it's St. Patrick's Day. But the next person to make a leprechaun joke is going to get beaten with a shillelagh.
As I understand it, a Ponzi scheme is where the guy uses the money from new investors to pay off the old investors. Isn't that what Social Security is?
People from Texas never shut up about how much better Texans are than the rest of us, and how much better everything is in Texas than everywhere else. They are woefully wrong on both accounts.
I just paid a bill online, and it told me that my confirmation code was 12345. Wow, you guys run the place like Fort Knox! I think some IT guy must have watched Spaceballs a few too many times.
Of all the bad times for someone to call, the worst has got to be right after I pour the milk on my cereal.
If you thought it was cool to name your band something unpronounceable, with punctuation marks in it, or no vowels, your band sucks. I don't even have to listen to you.
I would rather eat broken glass than sit in a meeting where people read Powerpoint slides to me.
I would make a terrible contestant on Survivor. Not because I can't deal with hardship, or outwit the others, but because my beard would be patchy and gross.
The guy in Florida who had his daughter abducted from his doublewide just married his 17 year old girlfriend. She in a wedding dress, he in a black wifebeater. Look up "white trash", and that's the picture you'll see.
Why do people think raisins are an acceptable thing to eat? If I handed you a steak or a potato or just about anything else that was all dried out and wrinkled up, you wouldn't eat it.
I cannot look at shiitake mushrooms in the grocery store without doing a double take, because I always think it says "shit take".
A lot of really dumb shit goes on in Arizona. But at least we're the only ones with sense enough not to fuck with the clocks twice a year.
The health classes got giant posters from the milk board to hang up in the halls of our school. There is one right across from my room. Now whenever I open my door or look out the window, there is a giant Miley Cyrus in a wifebeater with a milk mustache smiling at me. There's something not quite right about that.
I walked out of the building today on my way back to class from lunch, just as an 8th grader stomped on a yogurt container that was pointed at the door. It became a yogurt cannon. I was covered from head to toe with yogurt, with the largest concentration of glop right on my crotch. Yep, middle schoolers are awesome.
Lately, I've started to think my favorite part of a woman's body to see naked is her ring finger.
There are definitely days, like today, when I wish I could institute capital punishment in my classroom.
Sometimes you need a friend who will bend over backward for you. Other times you just need a girl who will bend over forward for you.
If you don't post a picture of yourself, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're A. hideous, B. fat, C. actually a man, or D. a combination of these.
I just got an issue of Rolling Stone in the mail. I definitely did not subscribe. Where did they get my name and address, and how the hell do they stay in business sending people free subscriptions?
If anyone ever organized "A Day Without Police", I don't think anyone would even notice, except that we'd all be able to drive without being harassed.
Everybody has their favorite part of a woman's body. But if you have a foot fetish, you're just weird.
My friend in high school used to drive a white Crown Victoria. Sometimes we'd sit in it off the side of a crowded main street and point a hair dryer at cars and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Negativity is generally funnier than positivity.
No, bartender, Coke plus Sprite does not equal ginger ale. It will not make a good gin and ginger. Just give me a Miller Lite.
I think I need a new challenge in life. I'm thinking of starting a new religion that's crazier than Scientology and see if I can get people to join and give me their money. There are definitely enough stupid people out there. I think the hard part will be making something up that's crazier than Scientology.
If your car has a fish on it, we will probably not be hanging out.
John McCain's smile creeps me out. I think he has baleen instead of teeth.
If China is a communist country, why do they have a stock market?
Claire from Heroes would be an interesting girlfriend. No matter how many times you had sex with her, she'd still be a virgin.
The Secret Service came out to my school to question me about one of our worst kids that was supposedly counterfeiting. I thought back to a week before when, instead of doing his work, I noticed he was coloring in a xerox copy of a dollar bill with a green marker. At the time I just let him continue because at least he wasn't disrupting class. Turns out he tried to use it at lunch and the lunch lady called the cops. I laughed my ass off. The Secret Service agent wasn't amused.
There is nothing more satisfying in a movie than seeing the bad guys get beaten, tortured, and killed.
Shut the hell up, car! If I wanted to put my seatbelt on, I would. Your incessant beeping isn't going to do anything but piss me off. And while we're at it, quit turning my stereo down everytime I turn the engine off. I like it loud, and you don't get a vote.
No one my parents' age who watches Jay Leno is going to understand Conan O'Brien.
Of course I hope the economy turns around, but only after I finish furnishing my house via all the going-out-of-business sales.
Hey dog, quit stepping on my balls. I'd step on your balls just to show you how it feels, but you don't have any anymore.
Yes, conservatives, socialized health care is a terrible idea. It's completely destroyed Canada. That's why we have thousands of Canadian illegal aliens sneaking across our border every day. Oh, wait. No we don't.
I have a theory that the key to avoiding heart disease is actually keeping your blood pressure as high as possible, to blast all the plaque out of your arteries. I wonder if I could get a government grant to study this?
Long before Curves was a gym for women afraid to be seen by men, Curves was the big strip club in town. Imagine my surprise when my mom casually mentioned that she had been going to Curves a lot lately.
Dear fast food employee, When I ordered my spicy chicken sandwich, I understand that maybe you didn't hear me ask for no mayo. But I'm pretty sure the triple bacon cheeseburger I unwrapped when I got back to work was a fuck-up on your part.
Sometimes you get little bonuses in life. Like when I hung a hummingbird feeder outside on my patio, I didn't realize it was also a bee feeder and an ant feeder.
You would think that once you ran one red light on your way to work, you would be on pace so you wouldn't have to run 3 more red lights. You would be wrong.
Why do so many of our students just plain suck? Well, it's the second day of parent-teacher conferences, and so far not one damn parent has cared enough to bother to come in. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.
What kind of city is Tucson, Arizona? Our schools don't get President's Day off, but they do get 2 days off for the rodeo.
Last night on my way home: Put the nozzle in the gas tank and start filling. Pump automatically clicks off at $21.86. Slowly keep pumping until exactly $22. Congratulate self on exact number and marvel at how gas is cheaper than last week. This morning: Why is my tank only 3/4 full? Fuck!
I understand why hardcore shows get so violent. When I see guys wearing girls' jeans, I suddenly feel like getting violent too.
Having a beard must make having a sinus infection even more disgusting. I don't even want to imagine Afghanistan during cold and flu season.
Winning a hockey game against your college arch-rival in a shootout in front of a sold out crowd is like a sore dick. You just can't beat it.
The last girl I dated still thinks I'm not over her yet. Give me a break! I've taken longer to get over speed bumps.
All I can think right now is, "Go, clock, go!"
OK, so you married a rich guy, congratulations. But that huge ring is still gaudy and ridiculous and advertises to the world that you're a gold digger.
One of these days, when I see someone throw a cigarette out of their window at a red light, I'm going to get out, pick it up, and throw it back in their window.
My dad is a pretty smart guy, but he has absolutely no memory of movies or TV shows he's seen. He can watch the same movie 5 or 6 times all the way through without ever realizing he's seen it before. I think next year I'll save money at Christmas and rewrap one of his DVDs.
No matter how late you are, you should never try to piss in a thirstbuster cup while you're barreling down the freeway at 90 miles an hour. Trust me on this one.
If you think your car is so much nicer than everyone else's that you need 2 spaces so we don't get too close, I will remedy that problem by dragging something sharp across your car. Next time, 1 space should probably do it.
How to make the best out of a bad situation: Someone in my band booked us for an outdoor gig in the winter. The wind was howling, it was freezing cold, and the crowd was bundled up in blankets on bleachers 50 feet back from the stage. What do we do to make it more interesting? Play the show naked except our boxers. A crappy show becomes legendary.
Do we really have to use our turn signals all the time? I'm coming out of a parking lot onto a one way street. Ya think I might be turning right? I'm in the left turn only lane. Gee, what do you think I might be planning?
Yesterday I went to get a haircut. There was only one parking space anywhere near the Supercuts, and I was waiting, with my left turn signal on, for a ton of oncoming cars to pass before I could take it. Some bitch took my spot! So, I gunned it to some distant corner of the lot, parked, and sprinted right past her into the Supercuts and signed the list before her. Ha! I win. Go fuck yourself.
I have a neighbor who's a really nice dude, really nerdy, but built, with wire-rim glasses and a bushy mustache. I started laughing yesterday, because I thought, "Holy shit, I live next to Ned Flanders!" Then, I got worried, because I thought that must make me Homer Simpson.
Unless you're a teacher, you'll never understand the horror of seeing what has happened to your workplace while you were out sick.
Bacon should only come one of two ways: crunchy and really crunchy.
My new couch is so much more comfortable than my old bed, I've only slept in my bed twice in the last couple weeks.
I think I would make a great spaceship captain in bad science fiction. Apparently, the solution to almost any problem is "reversing the polarity".
I wish there was a way I could force people to look at my middle finger when I'm flipping them off in traffic.
During the month I worked at McDonald's, I noticed that every morbidly obese woman would order pretty much the same thing: Big Mac value meal, supersized, with an extra quarter pounder with cheese, and an extra large Diet Coke. You might as well go for the real Coke, lady. Hell, you might as well go for an extra large cup of the oil from the fryer.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you are a worthless excuse for a human being.
Unless they start using Flintstone's style cars, where they have their legs hanging out the bottom and they have to run to move their cars, NASCAR will never be a sport.
If you don't sing, you aren't a singer. Jimi Hendrix didn't "air guitar" the Star Spangled Banner.
'Rap' is only one letter away from 'crap'. Coincidence? I think not.
If you wear a backpack to a concert, I hope a fat stage diver lands on your head.
I have a friend who noticed that the OX in the Jack in the Box logo looks like a Jesus fish. He always calls the place "Jack in the B'Jesus".
If you don't listen to anything older than you are, you have bad taste.
I once was thrown out of Wendy's for wearing a Burger King crown. What a bunch of dicks. I was 8.
Worst thing ever...I just walked up behind one of my students who was standing at the printer, and she pulled her paper off the printer and spun around, paper cutting my lip. Nothing like bleeding out of your face when trying to talk to the class.
"I love to eat!" or "I love food!" will guarantee that I will move on to the next profile.
Well, the Cards lost the Super Bowl. On the bright side, my square won the office pool. Not surprising that my 1 in 100 chance was a better chance than the Cards winning the game.
When ever I hang out with my friends in Boston, we each have a name that we use when we go out to eat or whatever. All the names are from action figures. The idea is to embarrass people in public, like the hostess who has to announce, "Skeletor, party of 8."
Was the original Knight Rider as awful as the new one?
Over the years my band has had to replace members from time to time. After the auditions, we do an interview. The last question has always been, "If we were on tour and our plane crashed in the Andes, which one of us would you eat first, and why?" The best answers: "George because he looks well-marbled." and "Cullen, because he's straight edge so there's no toxins in him."
Yesterday I tried to use the self checkout at the grocery store. One bottle of juice absolutely would not scan. The attendant finally told me to "just take it", so I did. I thought my day was going great until I got home and dropped the bottle and it shattered on my kitchen floor. Fuck me.
Attention old people: You are retired. You have all day every day to go places and do things. Please feel free to use weekdays to fill the parks and camping spots instead of the weekends. And stay off the roads during rush hour.
I'm a total sucker for 3-D movies. I'll go see a movie that I know is going to be a complete pile of crap just because it's in 3-D. Hell, I'd watch an instructional film on filling out tax forms if it was in 3-D.
I used to order random free stuff like trial magazine subscriptions from junk mail and late night advertising, and I would always put the name of my company as "Jake's Colostomy Bags", or "Cowboy Bob's Porn Corral". I started to get applications for corporate credit cards for my fake companies after a while. I now have a corporate Visa card for Jake's Colostomy Bags.
Do drive through liquor stores make any sense?
One of my co-workers refers to eating Pez without a Pez dispenser as eating it "raw". Weird.
The students who can't control their anger or whatever get put into the ED program. I know it stands for Emotionally Disabled, but I still laugh a little bit every time I hear it, think of how bad it would suck to be a 7th grader with Erectile Dysfunction.
When I was a kid, Ozzy Osbourne was evil incarnate. Parents freaked out if you had one of his albums. Religious leaders led protests against his concerts. I think it's a shame that kids today think of him as Sharon's goofy, messed up husband.
I used to date a small-chested girl who said that she had "filter-boobs", meaning her small boobs filtered out the guys who would have only liked her for her chest, leaving the guys who really liked her for her. I think I have a filter-salary.
Some of my students were doing a web search. One of the questions was "Who provided the voice of Darth Vader?" One of them showed me their paper and asked if their answers were right. Their answer was "James Earl Ray". Nice try, but that's the guy who shot Martin Luther King.
I like to sit on the couch and watch The Biggest Loser while I eat Doritos.
Nothing ruins a nice soak in the hot tub like an old fat man in a banana hammock getting in across from you.
My new couch is unbelievably comfortable. It's very soft, yet very firm. It occurred to me that they should make breast implants out of Dacron fiber fill.
Obama's daughters are cute little girls, but I'm going to miss Bush's hot drunken sluts.
I really hate cold. It's 75 degrees in Arizona, but I still wish I was in Washington DC right now.
Hey girls who remove their eyebrows and draw them back on: You look like a fucking cartoon. A bad one. It's about time someone told you.
Why am I allowed to scream and heckle at a football, hockey, basketball, or baseball game, but the pansies who play golf and tennis need absolute silence?
I guarantee my iPod being on during takeoff is a lot less dangerous than a goose.
My Tivo recorded "Rudolph's Shiny New Year" and I just got around to watching it. What the hell kind of bad acid trip were those writers on?
Meatloaf and spaghetti sauce: No matter who you are, your mom's is awesome, and everyone else's mom's sucks.
The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. A flock of pigs just flew by my window. I'm going out to buy a lottery ticket and find me a girl that's way out of my league.
All through school we were taught that America is the greatest country on earth. The fact that hockey is the most popular sport in Canada would suggest otherwise.
Last year I moved to a place where I have gas heat and a gas stove. They are so much cheaper and yet better than my old electric ones. I wish I could get a gas TV and a gas computer.
Isn't it a little weird that the narrator in How I Met Your Mother is telling his kids all the details of his sex life?
I worry that if I had sex with a girl on a Tempurpedic mattress, I would have to dig her out of the mattress afterward.
Once a year for the last 8 years, I've successfully tricked the announcer at the U of A hockey games to wish a happy birthday to Mike Hokkensak.
We were told that we were to meet with one of our student's mom's this morning. Word is that her mom works at the local strip club. I was terrified that I would walk in and we would recognize each other. And that I would have to stop myself from calling her "Cinnamon" during the meeting.
Sometimes I think I write too many songs about sex and booze. Then I read what people write here and I realize those 2 things are all anyone talks about anyway.
A couple of kids came into my room during their lunch to use my computers. One opened up Microsoft Paint but didn't start drawing anything yet. Little do they know I have a program that allows me to take control of their computers. I wrote "I'm possessed" and drew a pentagram on her screen. She absolutely freaked out. You can't buy that kind of entertainment.
Pizza and beers followed by ice cream is not the way to end a workout.
There's nothing worse than opening a can of tuna and realizing you accidentally bought 10 cans of the stuff packed in oil instead of the stuff packed in water.
4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.
I have never watched American Idol, and I think my quality of life is higher for that reason.
I confiscated a cell phone from a kid who was texting in class yesterday. I then proceeded to reply to his texts and cause mass confusion through the school. Good times.
Anytime I try to do anything in my car, the seatbelt retracts, making impossible for me to move. I accelerate, brake, steer, or anything, and it retracts. I can't make any kind of maneuver in traffic and still check my blind spot. So why then, when I stop the car and get out, does it not retract at all and end up closed in my door?
The Cardinals have a shot at the Super Bowl. In related news, ice has begun to form in Hell.
My classroom has power poles in the middle of the room from when it was the typing classroom. Today, an 8th grade girl that I had last year came by to visit me. I turned around to tell my current 7th graders to get to work, and when I turned back, the girl was dancing on one of the poles. Well, they say school is supposed to prepare you for your career...
Why can't a lame duck president just admit the fact that he's done, and not try to do anything for his last 2 months?
I've actually gotten used to the way Miller Lite tastes with spearmint gum in my mouth. In fact, I think it's pretty good. And it pre-empts the beer breath on my drive home.
Really, American Movie Classics? Reign of Fire is a classic? I'm pretty sure it's not even American.
You know it's going to be a bad day when the morning news warns of a nasty accident and advises you to avoid an intersection, then that intersection turns out to be the one right outside your house.
Hey football player in the after game interview: God was not rooting for your team. He doesn't care who wins and he probably has other things to do besides watch football. Get over it.
Yeah, I suck at Guitar Hero. But I can actually play guitar, and you can't even play "You Really Got Me" on a real guitar.
I can't wait for the Kidz Bop death metal album.
I'd like to thank all the one-hit wonders for giving up early and not ruining their legacy.
Apparently, the only crime worth the police's time in Arizona is speeding.
I drove by a girl in a Hummer today with a sticker on her driver's side window that said "Hummer Girl". I couldn't help but think how much I'd love to see that same sticker on a different kind of car.
If you're a girl who's 5'2" and only dates tall guys, you should be shot in the face.
When someone says, "I'm the best mom", I'm pretty sure they're a terrible mom. First, a good mom is always worried that they could be better. Second, because everyone I've ever heard say that was a stripper.
After spending Xmas in South Dakota, I have stopped wearing a jacket in the morning. I look around at my fellow Arizonans all bundled up and think, "You guys are weak. 48 degrees is not cold."
As a man who has never seen one, I wonder is a bag actually a part of a douche, or does the term douchebag refer to a bag full of douches?
Who is still buying that Splenda crap? I would rather eat lint.
My biggest fear: having someone bump into me while I'm drinking from a drinking fountain.
I hate the fact that my eyelashes paint the inside of my sunglasses with sunscreen.
The History Channel has been showing a series on the 7 Deadly Sins. I fell asleep on the couch watching the episode about sloth. Pretty appropriate, I think.
I hope the guy who invented neckties was hanged.
There are 2 ways to leave a job - with cake or without cake. Whether or not you like cake, leaving without cake is always a bad thing.
I find that the easiest way to avoid having to drive when you go out with friends is to tell them that you're planning on getting completely hammered no matter who drives.
I know they're important to the ecosystem and all, but fuck bees. Seriously.
I was just listening to "Short Skirt, Long Jacket", and it occurs to me that Cake's singer's standards might be a bit too high.
Hey Levi's, Is it really a good marketing plan to put a patch on the back of all your jeans that advertises to the world how fat and/or short they are?
After being at 3 different houses for the holidays, I find myself wondering what percentage of candles sold ever get lit. I think it must be less than 5%.
My birthday is Christmas Eve. It sucks. Mainly because no one can ever celebrate it with me because everyone is spending it with their families. I always figured the only worse birthday would be Christmas itself, but Jesus gets a billion people to celebrate every year, so I guess mine really is the worst.
I just ran into a ton of my current and former students at the Lamb of God concert, some of whom I literally ran into, in the pit. I'm not sure if that makes me wholly unfit to be a teacher, or the coolest teacher of all time.
Yes, I am an animal lover. I love the zoo, Animal Planet, and seeing wild animals when in the outdoors. No, I do not love your slobbering, barking, jumping on me, filthy dogs.
Hey spammers, if I didn't want your scam email about Viagra, then what makes you think I'll go for your email about V!@gra. You got by the spam filter, but I'm even less interested if you can't spell.
Fuck you, Family Guy rerun. I still have "Surfin' Bird" stuck in my head 2 weeks later.
If we can use alcohol to kill germs, then why do I only get sicker when I drink when I'm sick?
Every now and then, there's a word that I've used millions of times before, but when I type it or write it, it looks really weird to me all of a sudden. Today's weird word: sneeze.
There is a special seat reserved in Hell for the guy that invented photo radar.
I propose a new warning label on Ny-Quil:
WARNING: No alarm clock will wake you. You will be late for work.
I RSVP'd no to my work Christmas party simply because I don't feel like spending any more time with these people. Luckily, just before everyone started asking why and pressuring me to go, my friend called with an offer of hockey tickets for that night. Sometimes things do work out.
Apparently, my family is all going to South Dakota to see grandma for Christmas. I hate winter here in Arizona because its too damn cold. I may die in South Dakota.
I got a jury duty summons for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. My boss said it was OK, but I don't think he really believes me.
I just heard possibly the best thing I ever heard on TV. For some reason I had professional bull riding on, and the commentator said in all seriousness, "He just made that bull look stupid." Awesome.
I love when I check out a girl's profile, and it says, "I love all kinds of music." Really? You're into Norwegian black metal? Cajun zydeco? Acid jazz? Religious arias? That's amazing.
I find that the earlier I leave for work, the worse the traffic is. I end up arriving at the same time no matter when I leave. Since I'll be late every day no matter what, I elect to sleep in that extra half hour.
I fucking hate it when I spend a bunch of time and money on a Halloween costume, and nobody gets it! Especially when it's blatantly obvious that I'm not Britney Spears.
When I was a freshman, my friends had a house on Manlove Street that we used to party at. The other day, a friend said to me (around a lot of people) "Hey, you remember when we used to go to all those Manlove parties?" Not cool.
It's that time of year, and I am dying for a box of Count Chocula, but I can't find it anywhere! Did they stop making it, and if so, do we need any more proof that our society is in trouble?
There should be a law against fat guys stage diving or crowd surfing at concerts.
I often say that Halloween is like my Christmas. If that's true, who is like my Jesus?
I love seeing beat up ancient cars that are just barely holding together with bumper stickers that say "Bush/Cheney". Yeah, they did you a lot of good, didn't they?
troysbucket is a fan of...
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fraggle5512
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allymag
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kitty23
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nunzio
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jon7187
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imjustagirl
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EverythingSucks
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Karo
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leepow
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Kegspiller
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Devlin
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DescubrirElPastel
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jayval
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happyprancer
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butta99
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bethgoldstein
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PartlySunny
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shutupbabyiknowit
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OutofGas
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townes
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diggity
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TITANr12
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dustinyo
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lightningbug24
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SlightlyFlustered
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jpike79
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ruminicious
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allspamaccount
Fans of troysbucket
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allymag
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BarneyDraper -
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samxfezzzz
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bridgettee
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Jackass -
KSoulo
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Kegspiller
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butta99
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Devlin
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MikeMcCarthy -
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bethgoldstein
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dwightschrute
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randyfitz
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400babies
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alicia
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kovi86 -
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Leb306
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theothertoasterslice
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Horton18
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jayval
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lpvf26
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diggity
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sky1290
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trinijay -
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easnow -
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unionmaid -
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thesaint
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itsjill -
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