Ruminations
I'm going to hazard a guess and say that any of my friends who are working on or have business or accounting degrees will slowly hate me more and more as tax day approaches.
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Not sending out any e-mail at all would have been sufficient to let us know that you hadn't canceled class, professor, but instead you sent out one saying that class would be held as scheduled which was a bit of a jab to my hopes that it would be.
Try and keep a band-aid on the palm of your hand for more than an hour. Keeping your hand completely still for an hour is cheating.
I've just realized that my rewards points balance reflects how much money I've spent since I've had my credit card and in looking at it have further realized I could have purchased a lot of the rewards on my own with that money.
Hello W-2. Oh, you'd like to meet your friend "Wages, Tips, and Other Compensation"? Nice to mee....what do you mean I made that much money? You're a liar! Oh, now you're telling me I'm bad with money?! Fine bitch, I hope the IRS shreds your ass.
After a few minutes of mopping, one always becomes acutely aware of what a horrible job they did sweeping.
Why do the directions on the detergent say to put it in before your clothes? I can't determine how much detergent to put in until I see my clothes in the washer.
Whenever a DVD has two playable sides, I'm confused as to whether each side is labeled for what's actually on that side, or whether it's labeled for what's on the opposite side.
It's a really bad idea to leave your facebook logged on when other people can access the computer it's on. I can attest to this fact from both perspectives: while my one friend is interested in kidnapping children, I recently choked on a big dick.
I can never get that perfect water temperature in the shower.
If you ask me in a text whether I'm "cumin to work", my answer will most certainly be no. Yet I'm still betting you'll be surprised when I show up in 10, Ms. Manager.
Why are citations so complicated? How bout I just give the name of the book, the author, and then perhaps the subsection name and you can use the table of contents like a normal person.
Get with it, shoelaces! I'm trying to untie you. You're not supposed to form more knots when I'm doing this.
Alright class reading, it's been about 30 seconds and you're still downloading, which means you're excessively long and that I really hate you professor.
I always get a mini anxiety attack when I bring my computer to class and I can't really remember whether I had any porn up on the screen that I may have forgotten to close. Do I open it and gamble or have class be less productive?
So, your parents used to always tell you not to touch something cause you didn't know where it had been, right? Why are library books some exception to this rule?
What the hell is with the bubble forming in the little air hole on my travel mug? Now I have to tilt my head back and hold my mug at a 90 degree angle to my face hoping the thing doesn't pop causing gallons of coffee to rush down my throat. Woe is me
I absolutely cannot figure out how to use Word 2007 or higher. Where the hell is the file button? The print button? The save button? Thank god I learned the "ctrl-key" quick keys. Otherwise, I'd be toast.
Yelling "OH MY GOD" rather dumbfoundedly is not the appropriate way to react to seeing someone you graduated high school with x amount of miles from home. Especially when you hardly knew them and they react with a cordial "hey".
While deep drawers may look more useful, you really only end up just sifting through about a foot and half of drawer contents. Never mind that the item you're currently looking for is always the thing that's made its way to the bottom that day.
Why, when I hit "reply all", did it send the e-mail to myself as well? That seems, ohh I dunno, really fucking stupid?
Notice how once they started making power strips that would fit those big clunky square adapter plugs, they started making the adapter plugs to fit into regular wall outlets instead.
Disappointing: running to the stop because you see the bus approaching, getting on, and then sitting at the stop for 3 or 4 minutes because it was early.
I've just discovered that I can change the playback speed of my voicemails. Let the time wasting begin.
Thank you, iCal, for providing me the option of being reminded of my to do list items with an e-mail sent "1425 minutes after".
Something tells me I should be glad that I thought first before telling my boss, in front of several customers, that I thank him for letting me take that break when it was so busy because "I really needed something in me."
Oh, you stapled it wrong the first time so you thought it'd be okay to just staple closer to the inside of the paper? Guess what, it's not.
I have this weird feeling something glitched in some system when these e-mails were sent. Why you ask? Well, something just tells me they weren't actually sent in any year ending in a 38. I suppose it could be an e-mail from the future. Shit, maybe I should read them!!!
When did the group study area and every other area in the library switch places?
For the first time I made a spreadsheet of grades in all the classes I'm taking. It ends up wasting a lot of time when I go through to find out what grades I can get on various graded stuff to still pass, but hey, at least I know that if I get a 10,000,000,000% on my final I can get a class average of 2,500,000,000.
I can't remember the last time I've intentionally emptied the little pencil sharpener I carry around everywhere. I usually just drop it in a classroom or it opens in my backpack.
Boy is it going to be really awkward for all the people at my brother's wedding who don't know I'm gay who will inevitably ask me when I'm getting married or if I'm next. Given that it's such an annoying question, I am definitely going to make it as awkward as possible. Maybe I'll even throw a "Well, depending on which state I end up living in...." in there.
I got bored today while working on a powerpoint presentation and I thought "Hmm, I wonder how big it'll let me make the font." Let's just say I wouldn't advise inputting "350984506137011747291136" as a font size. I can speak from experience and guarantee it'll crash your program.
I often find myself at a battle with my typing and thinking speeds when trying to bold, italicize, or underline things using the quick keys on my keyboard. It's much worse when I need a combination of two of them. "Bold, Italic. No. Un-bold.... NO reitalicize, now unbold..fuck underlined?" This often goes on for a good fifteen seconds until I get the intended combination. Go me.
There's nothing like sitting down to read a really long scholarly journal article for a class then remembering that a large number of those pages are purely filled with references and citations.
The first few uses of a brand new bar of soap always feel kind of awkward. I might just as well be in the shower rubbing a slippery box all over myself.
I accidentally set my alarm for this morning for 9 pm instead of 9 am. I slept in an hour and realized my mistake shortly after waking up. As if that wasn't bad enough I noticed at about 8:30 this evening that I had forgotten to turn the alarm off. Nice try attempting to make me feel stupid about that situation again 12 hours later, life, but I caught you!
It never fails that at least once ever few weeks, when setting my alarm, I accidentally set it for PM instead of AM.
"The new living wallpaper capability on the Samsung Gleam allows Verizon Wireless customers to easily see...." WAIT! Let me guess: to easily see the whether it's light or dark outside by opening one's phone and looking at the screen instead of by being aware of your surroundings. Phew, thanks phone, I don't know what I would have done without you on this one.
I like to use the to-do list function on the Calendar program on my computer. I can't really use it for most of my schoolwork though because those little screaming triangles that indicate I haven't completed something on time make me really anxious and I just can't check something off if it's not done.
Some guy's phone hit the ground pretty damn hard today when he was trying to sneakily text in class. I really wish we'd been discussing karma.
I often question reality when I'm trying to pull up my sleeve and my hand slips or misses causing me to elbow myself in the chest.
"Oh, well this coffee has mild nutty overtones, and this one is a bit more bitter and less acidic than this one."
How bout you shut the fuck up and hand over whichever one has the most caffeine, thanks.
I'm not sure what's worse: 1) Those last 10 minutes of class when you're pretty sure your bladder is close to explosion and you can't decide if you should get up and go or can wait it out those last minutes or 2) Telling yourself at the beginning of class that no, you don't need to go now and it won't be at all a problem to hold it till the end of class.
I'd like to point out that using the word "bad" to imply something is good without any intonation indicative of that fact is extremely counterproductive when in the throes of passion.
Actually Ms. Spears, there are 3 types of people in the world: those who entertain, those who observe, and those who think they can entertain. Guess which one you are!
Guess what Authors of my German Textbook, the term "Bath House" has taken on an entirely different meaning in recent years, so you should probably avoid all the exercises about what I would do, what I would see, why I went etc., if I ever went to one. Scratch that, the questions are fine but give me the proper vocab. "Swimsuit", "Swimwear" etc just aren't going to cut it.
Wowzers is it not helpful when the translation given by the dictionary is a word you've definitely never even heard of in your own language.
To be honest, if you'd told me all you wanted was the sex from the get go, I would have been all for it. It's okay though, I'll keep letting you pay for me on all the dates and I will make the conversation exponentially more annoying for you.
After the first 3 or 4 weeks of classes, I'm extremely territorial about my seat in class and wish it was acceptable to battle for it like a wild animal. Or maybe, like a wild animal, I should pee on it.
Telling someone you're lactose intolerant then joking to them about the disaster that would ensue if you consumed dairy is not a good idea. Extra bad idea points if it's the stranger making your latte.
TV Land, I was content with "The Andy Griffith Show", "I Love Lucy", "Gomer Pyle" and all the other classics, so please stop with the Reality Shows.
It would be advantageous for you to commit to memory that I don't commit things to memory very often.
I'm home from school for a week on break. I just reinstalled Roller Coaster Tycoon on the family desktop. Well, looks like I won't be getting shit done all week.
My shades are wide open so no, feet, now is not the time to be getting into a physical altercation with my underwear about whether or not you're going to make it into the leg hole.
You might get suspicious that you have a real boring life when you have a dream in which you're listening to a news podcast.
Yea, I just saw you run toward that puddle intending to jump over it, but did you really think no one was looking when you stopped and then daintily tip-toed yourself across the shallowest parts.
On more than one occasion I've forgotten to wear my glasses when taking pictures and it's taken me a good few minutes to realize my lens isn't broken and that I'm just a dumbass.
My friend had to explain to me what her boyfriend "tipping" her meant. Cow tipping has taken on a whole new meaning.
I'm willing to bet the world has gone to shit because of all the chain letters which have gone unforwarded.
To the college student who wrote on the bathroom stall, I believe "(insert name here) eats dog food" stopped being offensive in kindergarten.
I looked at the weather today and though to myself "Hmm, it's a nice warm day." It was 41 degrees. Thank you NYS for really bugging with frame of reference.
I often sit rather comfortably in class ie. one foot on the chair with my knee sticking up. It occurred to me today that my classmates may think I'm some horned up loon ball constantly trying to hide an erection....
Dammit
I started wearing boxers again and was sorely reminded of why I was so pleased with the switch to brief-esque underwear: a boner pops fucking everywhere when you're wearing boxers.
If you have a blue tooth device in one ear, what the hell are you doing with a cell phone up to the other?
If you have i/m me, please don't say hi, then have nothing to say. I'm not the one who facilitated the conversation, I'm not the one required to continue it. I will just go back to talking to other friends, and leave you hanging.
I MUST keep refastening the seat belt until I hear the clicking sound. I will do this as many times as needed. I just don't feel like it's fastened if I don't hear it.
How on earth did I forget to wear my glasses?
3 years after the fact, it occurs to me why he came out to me, the only gay guy on the trip: He wanted to get into my pants. I am such a dumbass.....and a little disappointed.
No foreign language professor, I don't want to write about how I think about something. It takes me long enough to figure out how to say it in that language that I don't want to spend more time figuring out what it is I actually want to say to begin with.
I would really like to fill out your application, but leaving a half an inch of space for relevant information is really fucking irritating.
Isn't "Public Relations" just being really fake? There's a major for that? Well, I now know why society is fucked up.
Whenever people ask me to "hand me the thing" without pointing or being any more specific I usually just grab the nearest object. Oh, you didn't want the toaster?
Back when only my one friend knew I was gay, she accompanied me to a movie with a guy I had met recently and the three of us sat together. Apparently a friend of her boyfriend worked at the theater and she spent a few days vehemently denying that she was mackin it with someone through that entire movie. Who would've seen that coming?
What part of "The brew machine is broken" do you not understand? That means we don't have any "plain starbucks brewed" and that NO you can't "wait while some brews."
"It'd be like if you got hit by a speeding train. It'd just go straight through you." Oh, thank you professor. I now fully understand what you're talking about.
I feel like our generation is going to look really awkwardly dressed when we're all 70.
I might too much enjoy the process of exaggerating numbers online. Just wildly mash your fingers along all the number keys a few times.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I just came across "micronations" while doing legitimate research for school. My brain is not okay with trying to comprehend that this phenomenon might be real.
I don't understand people who calculate all their grades as the class progresses. What's that? I can still get an A if I don't do any more work? I can hear my motivation now: "Well, I know when I'm not wanted. Peace!"
Having taken a course completely online this semester through my university, I am vastly reconsidering NOT bringing alcohol to lecture with me when the semester starts back up.
I love when it's about September on my Central NY college campus. I can always easily spot all the people from down south who are bundled up like crazy. You guys are so screwed come January.
If you live in a place with summer and winter, you are only allowed to complain about one of those seasons.
Dear Clothing Manufacturers: Please stop catering to the high percentage of fat people in the nation. They always buy shit too small for themselves anyway, leaving the people who actually require small sizes shit out of luck. Honestly, you expect me to wear a 4XL? I weigh 120lbs!
Socks are one of the most irritating articles of clothing. Sorry, sock manufacturers, but the whole "Fits shoe size 5-9.5" is definitely not true. I hate you.
I wish I didn't have to resist the urge to look at someone dumbfoundedly and say "You are such a fucking moron."
My little sister, who just turned 16: I'm going to finish watching "Ghost" now.
Me: You mean 1990's Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore "Ghost"?
Sister: Yea, *confused look* why? It's a great movie.
No Google, no. I did not mean what you suggested. Can't ya just trust me on this one?
You know you're pretty desperate when you start considering the attractiveness of the extras in your educational videos for class.
I was really stressed out at work today and found that I only wanted to eat the snowmen cookies because they were the only ones with which I could pretend to be biting the heads off of real people.
I'm researching for this essay I have to write on the Aztec Renaissance and amongst all the articles describing what it was I came across the following paper:
"Carlos Chávez, Silvestre Revueltas, and the Myth of the Aztec Renaissance"
Fuck
I love it when a parking lot is covered in snow and how its melting throughout the day makes those who parked in it seem less and less competent.
The word "chillaxin" is NOT cool. In fact, it makes you sound like a fucking moron. Why you ask? The words "chilling" and "relaxing" do not differ enough in meaning to make their contraction at all practical. No, clearly some idiot just combined them to sound "cool". When you combine two words that have no need to be combined, you're just an ass.
I hate when I use the bathroom and realize my fly is down. I think "Fuck, has it really been down since the last time I went? I'm such a moron."
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