Ruminations
Nothing screams credit card fraud quite like spending several hundred dollars at an out of state Wal-Mart. Sneaky yet predictable, you bastards.
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There are many disturbing qualities about the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". For me, the most frightening part is the general consensus among these women, regarding their unknown start of labor: "I thought I was dying".
It saddens me to know that the phrase "Please Be Kind, Rewind" will die with my generation.
To Whomever is responsible for creating "Happy Hour",
Screw you. Who do you think you are putting a time limit on my happiness? Hmmm?
I was drunkenly fooled for a long time on this particular situation.
Being husky enough to suffer a spanking from the subway turnstile is an honest fear of mine.
I really love those containers to put your umbrellas in when you enter public places. It's like the "take a penny, leave a penny" tray, only better.
Do people with mullets know that they have one?
Do hipsters know they're hipsters? I think not.
I get enough narcissistic bullshit from "friends" on my minifeed, but thanks anyways twitter.
Men, have ridiculously absurd pickup lines honestly ever worked? "Excuse me miss!! You've dropped something...(pause) my heart." I've got news for you buddy, you seem to have dropped something too, its called your dignity. Now please move so I can step on it.
Is it strange that out of all my friends, the largest amount of borderline inappropriate email fwds come from my own mother?
I'd be willing to bet my first born that George Bush was among those who googled "norouz" this morning after hearing President Obama had spoken about it...then again, he might not watch the news anymore....
Dear Concerned Pre-Teen Parents,
It took my 23 year old ass longer to sound out: "If you Seek Amy" sounds like "F.-U.-C.-K.- me"
than it took your 12 or 14 year old to figure out the real meaning behind "I'm a Slave for You" or better yet "I Kissed a Girl and I Liked it".
Please stop hitting both the down and up button on the elevator, pick one. More importantly, if you this don't act shocked and indignant when the door opens and its going in the opposite direction you are-its a 50/50 shot not a shortcut.
Please explain to me how those girls in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" all fit into the same pair of jeans.
The most useful part of facebook "chat" is to catch other slacker coworkers, it really makes me feel justified.
We got a new water cooler in my office.
Three of my colleagues, including myself, bitched for the first day and a half about how the hot water tap "must not be connected"- so we were now forced to microwave our tea water.
Turns out, there's a "safety" tap...you know, much like a child protection cap on a pill bottle....
FAIL.
I'd like it to be a known fact that the only reason a woman cares if someone shows up to an event wearing the same outfit as her, is if that other woman looks better in it.
Period. End of story.
And to cause a scene about it is nothing more than an attempt to have people reassure you that in some way your fat ass looks "soooo mucch better in it".
When people say "you photograph really well" or "the camera really loves you"--isn't that a polite way of saying "It's shocking how much better you look in photographs"?
Yesterday, my deskmate informed me that having our window blinds open was pointless because "we didn't have a plant". So on the way to work today, I bought a plant. Some may call it selfish and sneaky-I call it being a team player.
At work today the topic of "Jock Jams" came up. We played one to get the full effect...and I'm not sure if I should be proud of this or not but I knew all the cues and lyrics to the mash ups.."are you ready for this...whoop there it is!"
You know what I can't wait for? 20 years from now, when some of us original followers are still on facebook and still using pictures from now as our default. I'm not going to lie, if I'm still on there I'll do that. I already plan on looking back at my glory days. And on a side note, what new drinking games are my kids going to teach me?
I like to adopt hit TV series after a few seasons and then sit online and watch them back to back for days. I'm always so shocked and disgruntled when I catch up and have to wait like everyone else. Dammit! Back to watching re-runs of old favorites on TBS and lifetime..
I'm not sure when it happened, but a sure sign of my parents aging is their newly found obsession with "Dancing with the Stars". Really? Even you Dad?
Shortly after beginning my new position, I learned the previous employee had been fired. This immediately made me feel apprehensive and gave me a bit of a complex-which I have since determined is really silly and irrational.
Comparatively speaking, this girl was dumped by the company. And really, if I had the choice, its always better to get involved with the dumper rather than the dumpee. Who wants to deal with awk hang ups or excessively large shoes to fill?
Then again, maybe this chick spent too much time on inane websites...shit.
My experience with healthcare really hasn't changed much since my trips to the elementary school nurse.
Then: "Well maybe you just have to go B.M....Are you sure you don't have to go? When was the last time you went? Well, why not try again now?"
Now: "Could you be pregnant? Are you sure you're not pregnant? When was your last cycle? Let's just take this test to be sure.."
There's a mental game being played with groups of people at crosswalks. No matter how close I stand to the passing traffic, someone always tries to one up me and be first in line to sprint across. Assholes. Only when I do that is it ok. Since when did my morning commute turn into a game of chicken?
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