Ruminations
I'm not sure I'll ever understand what it is about being drunk that makes everything I touch end up on my bedroom floor.
2 
Who comes up with team names? What exactly is the slightest bit intimidating about a baby horse?
Whenever I'm in a hurry, I seem to think that brushing my teeth harder means I don't have to brush them as long.
I'm kind of angry at myself for getting drunk on a Sunday, but at the same time my milk was about to go bad and when else would I eat that much cereal?
I think I reached the peak of laziness today when I dropped my chapstick under my car seat, and instead of spending 10 seconds to retrieve it, I stopped at the nearest convenience store and bought a new one.
Sometimes I don't even realize I'm hungover until I try to put on liquid eyeliner and can't because my hand is shaking.
Whenever my roommate is gone, i like to leave all the lights in the house on. I think it's to get back at my dad, who used to turn off the light in the den if I got up for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom.
With all the reality shows that exist, I feel like I should know SOMEone who has been on one. Instead I have to settle for rooting for the people that are from some place kind of where I grew up.
I'm so confused by the new Pizza Hut commercials - I've never even been in one with more than 3 tables, let alone fancy booths and a waitress.
I think I was a much more efficient texter when I didn't have a full keyboard on my phone...my thumbs are way too fat for the Blackberry.
I wanted to go on the birth control pill where you only get your period a few times a year, but then I remembered how I really take comfort in the fact that at least once a month, I am positive I'm not preggo.
I always feel like I should automatically weigh 5 pounds less after a hard workout.
I don't know if I'm regressing or is it's something I just never grew out of from college, but whenever I come wasted I always want some ramen.
I hate when I'm driving like a 16 year old during her driver's license test because I think there's a cop behind me, only to realize later that it was actually a taxi.
A few months ago, I saw a co-worker brushing his teeth in his office and spitting into his trash can. Yesterday I saw him carrying his toothbrush to the bathroom - I was so proud I almost cried.
Generally when people ask what perfume I'm wearing, I have to answer "Febreeze."
I got laid off a couple weeks ago, but HR called me the other day and they want me back for another month or so. I'm pretty excited, but mostly just because I ran out of post-it notes at home and could really use the supply room at work to stock up again.
One of my favorite things is the first knife-dip into a brand new jar of peanut butter.
I emptied my dustbuster for the first time ever today. I concluded that next time it needs cleaning, I'm just buying a new one instead.
I hate that it gets dark so early during the winter, because about once a week I will wake up from an after-work nap around 6pm and think it’s actually 6 in the morning, then proceed to freak out because I think I'm going to be late to work. Luckily, the panic is quickly replaced with extreme relief once I've realized my error, followed by excitement once I realize I still have the whole evening ahead of me to get drunk before I pass out again.
Despite probability and rationalism, I get genuinely upset when I buy a lottery ticket and don't actually win.
I hate when I get an e-mail from MySpace telling me there are new birthdays this week, and then when I log in to check whose, I get " None of your friends have posted birthdays this week!" What the fuck, MySpace?
Showing up to work hungover on a Monday is completely valid when all 3 of your football teams lost during the weekend. I think. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
I'm starting to think that actually buying the books would be cheaper than paying all my overdue library fines.
I think what upsets me more than a hot guy with a wedding ring is the fact that it actually upsets me. Apparently I'm such a narcissist that I expect every attractive guy to date me before he gets hitched…is that so unreasonable?
I like to bitch about how helpless people in my office are for never being able to replace the coffee or supplies in the machine themselves, but then I remember that I never do it either.
Grocery store bagger, what is the logic behind double bagging my 1-pound bag of carrots, but leaving my bottle of wine, 3 apples and 2 cans of garbonzo beans to play Survivor in just one?
I hate when my bus is so crowded that people have to stand, regardless of whether I have a seat or not. There is just nothing good about asses being stuck in other people's faces.
I submitted my resume to Amazon last week, and now I feel guilty deleting their "Sarah: Discover Amazon.com's Hottest Holiday Toys + Free Super Saver Shipping" e-mails, because now I feel like it's a test of my loyalty.
I just got back to my office from my company Halloween celebration, where there was beer. That actually worked out perfectly, because my hangover was just starting to kick in.
Sometimes when I'm drunk, I must come home and think, "How much electricity can I possibly use?"
I was just reading a recap of a hockey game and saw that a Dallas player missed his second straight game last night due to "facial cuts." Really? First of all, if you're a professional hockey player and you're sitting out multiple games for something as trivial as that, I have every right to call you a pansy. And secondly, if you're from a team I hate, I will choose to believe those cuts are from shaving.
I always dread when someone at works asks me if I'm busy. It's a gamble - I never want to say no, because then they will unload a bunch of crap on my desk, but I hate to lie and say yes and then miss out on an invitation to free coffee. So generally I just respond with, "Why?" which essentially reveals my thought process and consequently just kind of makes me look like an asshole.
Note to Self: deleting the messages from your outbox that you sent while you were drunk does not mean you didn't send them...it just means you won't be able to figure out who you need to apologize to later.
I have 3 different friends that, when I go out with them, people will routinely ask if we are sisters. However, when I go out with my actual sister, we have to convince people that we are even related. Apparently I look like everyone, except my own family….I’m trying to figure out where the milkman came into this.
One of my pet peeves is bars that serve their drinks in plastic keg-style cups. Maybe I'm just completely incompetent, but I cannot for the life of me chug out of one of those without spilling on myself. It really hurts my game when I'm trying to impress someone with how quickly I can down a jager bomb.
Fact: at the very moment I take an abnormally large bite of food, my office phone will ring.
I found out via Facebook that an old friend of mine (whom I clearly don't talk to in real life anymore) just had a baby with his fiance. I was going to send him a message about it, but to be honest, the only thing that keeps running through my head is "Holy fuck, how was he allowed to reproduce?!" and I'm not sure there's any variation of that that would be appreciated.
I think my favorite thing about my job is that when I come into the building in the morning, it smells like bacon.
A guy I work with came in and showed us that he had found a cockroach in his file cabinet; it was seriously the size of half a post-it note. I decided to never look in my filing cabinets again, which might make doing my job near impossible, but what can you do.
I realized what an asshole I am when I accidentally cut someone off the other day while driving because I was on my cell phone, and when I went to give the "I'm sorry" wave, it was with the hand holding the phone.
The AM radio station I listen to in the morning has, as a discussion forum, what they call their "blowback line." I can't help but chuckle every time they say that.
I realize I may drink more than the average bear, but I really start to feel like an alcoholic when everyone's first response to any scrape, bruise or sprained body part I sustain is, "So…you were drinking last night?"
I take some solace in the fact that, based on the aroma as I joined him in the kitchen this morning, one of my bosses is just as hungover as I am.
Drunk Ruminating is quickly replacing drunk dialing on my list of Things Not To Do.
No offense to anyone, it's not that I don't mean it, but I realized this morning that I'm a lot more liberal with my gourmet points when I'm hungover.
My sister reminded me recently that when I was about five years old, my career ambitions were "McDonald's worker" (what can I say? I loved those damn cheeseburgers!) and "Playboy bunny" (don't even ask how I knew what that was). These days I spend my work week at a desk doing menial tasks that are far below my mental capacity, so while I didn't exactly reach my goals, at least I accomplished the sentiment behind them.
Do you ever get beer goggles on yourself? Have a drink while you’re getting ready to go out, and all of a sudden you’re hot. Then you see a picture of yourself later from when you were out and you look like shit….but then you remember you got laid, so it’s all good.
Why is it that, even though I consistently show up to work 10-20 minutes late, and often tack on an extra 10 minutes or so to my lunch hour, I get so irrationally pissed off when I have to stay an extra 5 minutes at the end of the day to finish up some actual work?
My boss just walked by, so I minimized Internet Explorer, where I was reading Ruminations, in order to not seem like a slacker. Didn't help though, because I had a second browser open to Ruminations in the background.
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