Ruminations
Whenever I get in my car with a bunch of stuff from work and put it in the passenger seat, I am always relieved to see the "Passenger Airbag Off" message. It's good to know I'm not taking home over 100 pounds of work...
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Inevitably, no matter how many times I have driven past a billboard advertising some festival or event and have given it no regard whatsoever, the day it expires I become irritated that they have not updated the billboard.
Why can't the smell of food always indicate how tasty something is going to be? I'm tired of being lulled into thinking something is going to be delicious only to find out it tastes like something from the bottom of my shoe.
I like going to defensive driving for a speeding ticket because there is always a guarantee that someone else in the room will make you feel better about yourself...both for the ticket and the fact you're not nearly as lame as that person.
Whenever I'm about to go to the restroom I take one last, big swig of whatever I'm drinking. I figure it's more efficient that way and somehow I'm saving myself another trip later.
Does it bother anyone else that the transport device called a "Segway" is not spelled like the literary term "segue"?
I think when you become a thirty-something you shouldn't be allowed to send me messages containing "BFF". At this point do we really need to stipulate how long we'll be friends?
I think I'd prefer my gum to run out of flavor before I have chewed my gum so long my jaw is sore. Darn you Stride!
When I was a kid I thought being the first car at a stoplight was like winning the big race. You got to see everything happening, and you got to control how quickly everyone else left the light. Now that I'm older I realize it is the worst thing being the front car; it's as if the red light is mocking me saying, "you pansy...if you'd driven just a little faster you wouldn't be here".
Why is it that 70 degrees in the bathroom in the morning is freezing, but 70 degrees outside in the afternoon is splendid?
Watching drivers in Texas drive on ice is like watching drunk dogs skateboard.
I don't disagree that curing cancer is a good use of time, but when are scientists going to start working on the ctrl-z function for real life?
How is it birds sitting on power lines are able to maintain perfect spacing? Marching bands around the country could take a lesson.
The great thing about wearing a skirt to work is the knowledge that, should the occasion call for it, you have the ability to flash people at a moment's notice. It's a powerful feeling...
No matter how badly my day has gone, or how bad a mood I'm in, I'm guaranteed to be cheered up by the person who is singing and dancing in their car. Rock on car singers, rock on...
Having spent my 30th birthday in an all-out paintball war with my closest friends, I now think all political debates should be determined through paintball wars. It would liven up the decor within Congress and would also guarantee more of America would tune in to see what's going on with our leaders.
I love reorganizing my life after Christmas. As if I didn't have enough room for stuff before the holiday, it's as if I now have someone whispering in my ear "your kitchen should have been better prepared for this holiday".
Why won't someone tell people that cell phones were created for me to keep tabs on other people, not for them to keep tabs on me.
The best part about drinking with a new group of people is ordering scotch. They immediately assume you are a connoisseur of alcoholic beverages when really you just know that gives you the least possibility of a hangover.
Today is my last day at this office. I just deleted every email in my inbox regardless of the level of importance of the email just so I could have a completely empty inbox. At first I thought, "what if someone needs it?", then I said, "who the hell cares? I won't be here to worry about it." What a grand feeling!
Whenever I don't receive email in about a five-minute span of time I inevitably click the "check email" button, because clearly something is wrong with the internet.
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and my last day of work at this place will be next Wednesday - I therefore find it 100% acceptable that I'm knitting at my desk with the door open.
What is this phenomenon "night blindness"? I swear half my friends claim to suffer from it...but isn't that kind of the point of "night"? How else are we supposed to know it's night if it doesn't get harder to see?
Regardless of the day of the week, time of day, or how many cars are in the parking lot there are always the same amount of people in Wal-Mart and one of them is guaranteed to run into me.
The phrase "we need to keep in touch" should not be allowed when you don't know each other well enough to "be in touch" as it is. If I only worked with you once, I'm not going to get in touch with you any more than I currently do just because I'm going to another company.
Whenever you're on the phone with someone who is providing you some sort of customer service there always seems to be a moment when that individual decides to hum or whistle something that sounds like a circus tune to fill the void while they look something up. Just once I'd like them to start humming "Moonlight Sonata" or "Smells Like Teen Spirit" just to spice it up a bit.
I miss the days of youth when you were too young to care about chivalry or social norms and, in the event groups of people needed to get on or off the elevator there wasn't this weird "women to go first" phenomenon. It's more trouble than it's worth people, so just stick to first come, first serve.
The Weather Channel tells me there is a "severe weather alert" in Dallas right now. I clicked on the alert and it tells me the probability of grass fires is high. Is that really a "severe weather alert" or is that really just a publicity stunt to prevent smoking on the way home from work?
Whenever anyone asks me if I saw a certain commercial the night before I am speechless. Who still watches commercials? Even if you aren't recording the show to watch at a time more conducive to lounging around, aren't you at least going back and forth between shows? Am I the only one that likes to utilize commercial time on "Dirty Jobs" to learn about the Roman Empire's Engineering feats?
I think you can tell a lot about a company by the holidays it provides the employees. My company celebrates a new year, but not deceased civil rights leaders. We celebrate America's birthday, but not its discovery. We celebrate pilgrims and Indians breaking bread, but not the founding fathers. I am tired of the mixed-messages; just give them all to me as vacation days and call it a day!
Snow, for me, is like family. While I enjoy it, I like to choose when and how long I am exposed to it. I will travel to snow, but I would prefer snow not visit me - especially unannounced.
I think all offices make their walls out of sheets of very thin paper that only create the facade of privacy. When people meet in the conference room next to my office I really don't want to hear about their weekend during the awkward pre-meeting small talk. If I had wanted to hear it, I would have invited myself to the meeting and eliminated the need for the wall in the first place.
Attention bathroom grunters: CUT IT OUT. I understand that is probably the hardest work you're going to do all day, but I don't want to be a party to it. I already have to hear the aftermath of such efforts - the last thing I want is to hear the effort itself.
I love it when my husband lectures me on driving until the penultimate moment when the gas tank empties. I love it because he's most likely to then borrow my car and drain it so low I manage to pump more gas into the car than it's ACTUALLY rated to hold. That's greatness...
The only difference going out with friends when you're in your late 20s as opposed to your early 20s is having a better idea of what pants you left your license in three days before you realized it's not in your wallet.
It's a shame humans don't mark their territory like animals do. I think if my boss came into my office and peed on my plant before asking me to do something it would do a lot to level the playing field.
I'm glad to know my prejudice toward the beautiful extends to coins as well. I am much more likely to use my dirty quarter first when purchasing my beverage...
Some airports are now offering different lines dependent on the quality of traveler you are: expert, casual, or family. I think it should only be natural that you assign your boarding pass person to be equally as capable as their assigned type of traveler. It makes absolutely NO sense that I should get through my expert travel line in the same time as a family of four with two degenerate children running amok. Seriously, how many times do you need to compare my ID with the boarding pass?
Preparing for an out-of-town guest is very reminiscent of that mad-dash, half-assed cleaning effort on move-out day from the dorms. You use sponges/rags that are old, cleaning products that are spotty, and you think you're pulling the wool over someone's eyes; in reality everyone knows misdeeds were performed in that room and we're not fooling anyone.
While watching the Olympics I was informed by the ever-present announcer that one of the beach volleyball players is turning 30 next week and she's got over 100 wins. I'm turning 30 in December and the only thing I've done over 100 times that deserves merit is shoot tequila. Now I'm depressed; someone line up the shots...
I think you're definitely an "old married couple" when you scream louder for the Olympics than you do during sex.
Have you ever noticed how the friends who push you to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend are the same ones who pester you to move out because they "always knew you were wrong for each other"? These people are either totally wishy-washy or they are documenting the entire scenario for a new reality show and calling it, "How I Contributed to the Emotional Downfall of Another Twentysomething". Either way you're probably not going to get your DVDs back...
What’s the deal with Halloween costumes these days? I don’t know how many friends tell me, “I need to come up with something different” and inevitably they mean taking what was otherwise a well-known or neutral word and turning it into a double entendre for purposes of hilarity. Here’s a clue…if you have to explain the costume, it’s no good. A cow costume is superior to the “gold-digger” costume that needs explanation as to why you are dressed like a miner. So I say dress like a cow; maybe then people will touch your udders.
I have come to the realization that I am a pawn in the hands of the Sirius radio gods. I pick a rockin' station to start out my morning, but then am called away...upon my return the radio is inevitably playing something super cheesy and not representative of my taste and I am left to wonder what my coworkers must think of me. Foreigner, I am not "Waiting for a Girl Like You" and I resent that you would try to garner support for your cheesy tones behind my back.
Three places to go if you feel bad about your body: 1) a water park, 2) the renaissance festival, 3) a nudist resort. In scenarios 1 and 2 you are guaranteed not to be the least attractive person nor will you have the most atrocious outfit/bathing suit/chain-mail bikini. In scenario 3 you are not only guaranteed not to be the least attractive, you will also get to preview what will happen to your body as you age - because you are most likely also the youngest person there.
Have you ever looked for a new job at your current job? There always seems to be a way to rationalize such activity (e.g., "I hate my current job so they owe it to me to pay me while I look for my new one"). I think what this really means is that there is a negative correlation between engagement at work and integrity. As one goes down, the other one plummets through the floor and holds your place in the check-in line in Hell.
Game night. In college it means there is a big game on and someone is having a big bash complete with shots, beer, and ample chip consumption. Post-college it means couples getting together to play board games, dominoes, or some sort of charade-based game which is sure to make you look like an ass. I'm not sure where the time continuum breaks down to create such an event, but ultimately I suppose it doesn't matter. In either event I'm going to end up hugging the toilet and swearing off burritos.
I'm territorial about my bathroom stalls - and I don't think I'm alone on this one. In the back of my mind, I acknowledge that other people use "my" stall, but every time I go into the restroom and there is someone in "my" stall I lose a piece of myself. It throws off the whole experience for me. I think they should follow-suit from the airlines and have light-up stalls above the door of the restroom so I know if someone is in "my" stall. Then if they are, I can leave and come back to pee in peace.
Whenever we would go on roadtrips as a kid my parents would relay to us how long we had to travel in reference to our favorite shows. If it was a two-and-a-half hour drive then it was always, "two 'Sesame Street's and a 'Jetsons'". This is perfect logic because at that age we couldn't tell time and the car ride wasn't the time to learn. I wonder what my boss would do if he asked me how long my intro to a workshop was and I answered, "Oh probably a 'Dirty Jobs' and a 'Girls Next Door'".
Technology has turned us all into miscreants. Take, for instance, the person who chooses to answer their phone in the stall next to you. I always take this opportunity as an open invitation to make large amounts of bathroom-related noises to liven up their conversation. Sure, it's petty and un-ladylike, but so is work and disturbing a phone conversation with farting noises is way more fun.
People who order diet-drink mixers at a bar to mitigate caloric consumption but then proceed to eat the batch of chicken wings and mozzarella sticks that were just ordered for the table are a walking paradox. If you're so worried about the 120 calories in that coke, then perhaps you should rethink your fried cheese.
Have you ever noticed that when a woman thinks it's time to clean the house, her significant other is thus "volunteered" to be equally as productive in the cleaning efforts, but when a man thinks it's time to clean the house, his significant other gets to decide their level of participation? What if sex were the same way - the woman decides everyone's level of participation and a man...oh wait, that IS how it happens now.
Many people associate the car wave with Southern drivers - if you change lanes, you wave to the person that let you in. Well sometimes the wave is negated based on something else you do. 1. If you change lanes without signaling, and then wave at me, those two things negate each other. Turn on your signal...what am I, a mindreader? 2. The smoke wave. Sure, you've signaled, but you've got your hand out the window with a cigarette and now your smoke is in my A/C. If I'd wanted your cigarette smoke in my car, I'd have offered to carpool.
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