Ruminations
If a company is offering a coupon for $500 off of an item then I am positive, even with the coupon, I can't afford whatever they're trying to sell me.
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I don't think the feminists from my grandmother's era who fought for women's right to get jobs realized how much jobs actually suck.
The only thing a college education did for me is get me a job where I can spend the next 20 years of my life working to pay off the debt I accumulated by getting a college education.
When I get half way through a commercial break and can't for the life of me remember what show I'm watching, I start to regret the brain cells I drank away in college.
If you are a married dude I have no interest in talking to you. Which is the precise reason single guys shouldn't wear rings unless they enjoy cock-blocking themselves.
Growing up with a name associated with a movie or song stops being fun very quickly. No Layla thinks it's funny that she's got you on your knees, no Luke is amused that you are his father and, as a Suzanne, I promise I don't want to cry for you.
I have a great security system for my car. It's called having a shitty car that no one wants to steal.
It's clear I was raised both a Star Wars fan and a Catholic because whenever I hear "May the force be with you" I always respond in my head with "And also with you".
It seems like dandelions really got the shit end of the stick when it was being decided what was a "weed" and what was a "wildflower".
I get a little sad any time one of my celebrity crushes is taken off the market. As if, had a beautiful supermodel not gotten there first, Leonardo DiCaprio would have been banging down my door for a date.
I can't wait to be a parent and bribe my kids to do chores that I don't want to do with rewards that secretly benefit me. "Rake the yard and we'll order pizza for dinner" translates to I don't have to rake and I get to eat delicious pizza.
Bringing a huge sign to a concert shows the band how much you love them and shows everyone behind you in the audience how much you don't care if they can actually see the show.
Laundry is the most depressing household chore because unless you do it naked there's no way to ever really have all of your clothes clean at one time.
I realize they're just being polite but, regardless, every time someone refers to me as ma'am it feels like a little piece of my youth is being forcibly ripped from my soul.
Every time a reality show contestant gets voted off they leave with "This isn't the last you've seen of me. I've got big things coming." Eh, unless I bump into you bagging my groceries I'm pretty sure this is the last time I'll be seeing you champ.
I couldn't care less about football, but I always look forward to Superbowl Sunday because I am a huge fan of overpriced commercials and daytime drinking.
I need a car with not only a gas light, but also with a "I'm not dicking around here dummy, you're about to be stranded on the side of the road if you don't refuel me this instant" light.
When you give someone a present and they respond with "I'm going to save this for a special occasion!" what they are actually saying is "I'm going to hide this disaster of a gift in the darkest corner of my closet forever."
I don't understand people who "love winter". Oh, so you're into miserable cold weather and soul crushingly short days? A-no thank you.
Sledding seems like a terrific idea until you sled down the first time and realize now you have to haul your ass back up the hill.
If some day I have kids and they ask me for help with their homework, I'm screwed.
The dramatic effect of storming out of a room and slamming the door is ruined when you realize you’ve left something crucial behind. “I know I just said I never wanted to speak to you or see your face ever again, but do you know where my keys are?”
If alcohol had no calories I'd be one skinny, raging alcoholic.
For every 1 lighter I've actually purchased, I have 5 more that have come into my possession through the magical game of "where the hell did this lighter in my pocket come from."
I try to avoid having friends with a birthday in the same month as mine so no one can steal my thunder. I claimed April almost 26 years ago as the month of celebrating me, not us.
I'd like to be on a show like What Not to Wear for all the free clothes, but without the shame that would come along with people telling me I don't know how to dress myself.
Even if I am completely not in the mood to drink, if I find myself at an event where free alcohol is provided, I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice if I don't leap off the drinking tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Cell phone insurance not covering water damage is like car insurance not covering fender benders. If I can’t drunkenly send my phone for a little swim in the sink a few times a year, what am I paying for?
I never really understood the appeal of King of the Hill. If I wanted to watch a middle aged man drink beer while complaining about his floozy daughter and underachieving son I would have just spent more time at home watching my dad.
A good indicator I'm not ready to have kids is that I only water my plants when they start to wither and die.
It's a painful reminder of how out of shape I am when I get a typically sports-related injury like tennis elbow from doing something along the lines of typing too vigorously on my computer.
A coworker came into my office today looking for tweezers and said "I got a splinter. I didnt even know I could get those at my age" umm I hate to break it to you honey but shards of wood cutting into your skin really doesnt have an age limit. Neither, obviously, does stupidity.
Why are the buildings in the movie Troy already ruins? I mean, the movie is set in ancient Greece so rather than crumbling ruins shouldn't there be like a guy throwing some schlack on one of the walls and a ribbon cutting ceremony going on in the background?
Forget about Batman or Spiderman, if I had a choice I think it would be pretty awesome to be Inspector Gadget. Hungry? "Go go gadget BLT." Bam! Hunger satisfied. Missed last call? "Go go gadget round of shots for everyone." Who's resourceful now bartender? Plus I'd get to rock a trench coat and fedora all the time. The possibilities are endless.
The only reason I stopped going to my pediatrician when I hit college was out of pure shame after I came in for an appointment and the receptionist asked "What was your baby's birthdate?" and I had to reply with "1984.. and um.. it's me." I'll just go read Highlights and play with the toys until the nurse calls me in thank you very much.
I would never be able to write a successful autobiography because I've been more or less blacked out for the sections that would make up all the really juicy chapters.
Everyone has at least one show that they watch regularly that they would be ashamed to admit they like.
Taylor Swift's new song repeats over and over "You were Romeo I was the Scarlett Letter." Now, I understand that she's young and all so doesnt necessarily know literary references but shouldn't someone, somewhere along the way have pulled her aside and let her know that she's comparing herself to the Puritan equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith who got knocked up and the town scandal was figuring out who her baby-daddy was?
Nothing makes me feel like I'm in a poorly written horror movie as much as walking alone through a parking garage at night.
There's no way to request a privacy screen for your work computer that doesn't scream "I want to dick around all day but I'm worried about getting caught."
The morning news should really be more aware that people fall asleep with the TV on and may be waking up to their terrifying headlines. This morning I was half-way out of bed to compile a Zombie Survival Kit before I realized that the headline that had woken me up- "Zombies are Coming to the State" -was really about Rob Zombie buying a house in the next town over. Thanks, dicks at NBC morning news, for getting my hopes up that some badass zombie slaying was about to ensue.
I met a women at a business meeting for the first time today. I stepped out of the room for, maximum, 3 minutes. When I came back the woman asked me if I had lightened my hair, because she said it looked darker before. She was, more amazingly, not joking. Umm, in the 5 minutes since we just met? Do people often step out of meetings to dye their hair? No lady, but thanks for flying your crazy flag right where I can see it.
I'm at the age where I have to fake excitement over my friends engagement rings. I, on the other hand, have a Ring Pop. I get to eat my ring and it doesn't end in a messy divorce as a result of marrying too young so I think I win on both counts.
Chicken nuggets immediately become a hundred times more delicious and exciting when they are shaped like dinosaurs, stars, or similar.
I do not know every word to "We Didn't Start the Fire" but that in no way stops me from singing the random words I do know and then shouting the phrases that everyone knows, e.g."JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say!"
I get incredibly confused when I can't figure out if I've actually done something or if I just dreamed I did it.
Whenever the sun sets while I'm napping, I inevitably wake up in a panic that I've somehow slept for three days straight.
If your car has flames painted on the side of it, rest assured, we will not be friends.
Nothing quite says "I'm an adult" like going through half the workday with some pudding from your Snack Pack on your cheek.
There is no worse feeling than the hangover that doesn't hit until midafternoon. I spent all morning amazed that I felt so wonderful and then WHAM! I'm whiney, miserable, and stuck at my desk for 4 more hours.
When I "put things away for safe-keeping" it more or less means I will "never find this item again until I move out of the house."
While I was getting ready this morning the caffeine-pill episode of Saved By The Bell was on, so obviously I was late for work. Really, who could miss out on Jessie Spano's "I'm so excited" meltdown just to get to stupid work on time?
"Walk of shame" gains a whole new level of embarrassing when it's done in full Halloween costume from the previous night.
The best thing about the Halloween season is that for the next two weeks Thriller will constantly be played on the radio. Nothing is better than mentally zombie dancing my day through another boring day at work.
The song "Oh hot damn this is my jam" simply does not live up to it's name. I feel like the title should be "oh hot damn, it's time to immediately change the radio station."
I don't care how old I get or how many Halloweens go by, every year I still watch Hocus Pocus like it's 1993 and tear up a little when Thackery Binks get reunited with his sister.
I realized I'd hit a crossroads in life when I was mature enough to stay in on a Friday night to watch the presidential debate but stuck in my college years enough to turn it into a drinking game. "McCain said Miss Congeniality again, everyone does a shot!"
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