-I’m an avid sports fan and television aficionado, enjoy travel and working out, and possess a growing shot glass collection. But in reality, I – like most men – have but one true hobby: women. You see, the male mind may be disorganized and easily distracted, but there is a single rule that trumps all others: ladies first. The irony, of course, is that despite our tireless study and pursuit of the fairer sex, guys continue to be confounded by their seemingly arbitrary behavior. It’s that unpredictability that make women so frustrating, inscrutable – and downright irresistible.

-I think that when women turn thirty, they shift from picking apart every little thing a guy does as a reason why he’s an asshole, to rationalizing every little thing a guy does as a reason why he has potential: “Look at the way Jim parallel parks…I really think he could be the one.”

-Ladies, if you ask me a question while your breasts or my junk is exposed, there is a 100% chance you'll get the answer you want, but only a 50% chance I'll be telling the truth.

-Why do women run so awkwardly? Tuck those elbows in! You’re jogging, not attempting liftoff.

-A few years ago, I was making out with a chick at a bar, but I couldn’t close, so I took her number instead. Then I called her so that she’d have my number – but when her phone rang, I saw that KARO came up. She already had me in her address book! I had absolutely no recollection of previously meeting her…but even so, why would she make out with me if I never called her the first time?

-Guys in relationships often picture other women in their heads when sleeping with their girlfriends. It’s true – we get bored. So I guess the fact that I picture other women in my head even when I’m having a one-night stand just means I have a very short attention span.