-Recently a buddy told me that he “never gets hungover.” Of course, the only logical responses to that statement are that my friend is a liar, or he doesn’t drink enough. If he was telling the truth, though, I couldn’t help but be envious. Hangovers are the bane of my existence. There’s nothing worse than going out and having the time of your life, only to wake up the next morning/afternoon without being able to lift your head from the pillow or find your shoes. Hangovers are, in essence, party deterrents. The mere specter of them causes us to curb our boozing quicker than we would otherwise like. Yet we never stop imbibing completely. Because no matter how bad your hangover, it’s still much better than the alternative: sobriety.

-The office hangover is perhaps the most pernicious of all hangovers. You don’t even like sitting in your cubicle on a normal day, let alone one where you can’t stop sweating and the smell of the alcohol in your assistant’s Purell makes you nauseous. And think about how productive an employee you would be if you actually put as much effort into your job as you do scouting for inconspicuous places to vomit.

-After almost fifteen years of drinking, why do I still not make any preparations in anticipation of the morning after? I always wake up with no readily available water and an unopened Advil bottle buried deep in my medicine cabinet that’s both childproof and drunk-adult-proof. I guess I believe that if I don’t think about an impending hangover, it won’t actually happen. So far this has worked 0% of the time.

-The parental hangover – or being forced to suffer in silence while you spend time with your mom or dad – is particularly vicious. They know you’re hungover. They know that you know that they know you’re hungover. Yet they seem to take great pleasure in not bringing it up as they march you around running menial errands. My parents always like to throw in a little “Have fun last night?” comment. Seriously? I’d rather be at work.