I Am Currently Booking My Fall College Stand-up Tour! If

-In the past few weeks, two new world records were set: a man in Sweden watched television for 72 hours straight, and a woman in Thailand spent 33 days living with 5,000 scorpions.  It seems odd to me that the scorpion-living record is so much longer than the TV-watching record.  I also think it’s worth noting that one of the amenities that the “Scorpion Queen” had to pass the time was a television.  If she had just kept the thing on the whole time, she could have set both records.  Personally, I’m terrified of all bugs, especially deadly ones that look like lobsters.  I do, however, currently follow over twenty different television shows religiously.  Give me a DVR and a comfy couch and I’ll give that dude in Stockholm a run for his money any day.

-If you’ve already watched a show but know I haven’t seen that episode yet, do not tell me anything that happens – even if you preface your statement with, “Don’t worry, it won’t ruin it.”  Yes, it will.  Because I’m gonna spend the next hour wondering when the part you told me about is coming.  Just keep your fucking mouth shut.

-I don’t understand how The Roots is going to be the house band on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”  Is ?uestlove gonna interject with witty banter when Jimmy is interviewing Miley Cyrus?  Is this some sort of elaborate practical joke?

-I hate when loud, suspenseful music plays at the end of a scene just before the commercial break, even when what’s happening really isn’t all that dramatic.