-Taking exams at school is easy. Figuring out the curve is the hard part. I have no idea how the curve works. How do I get a 25 and get an A? How do I get a 95 and get a C? Do you ever get the feeling that the curve is just one big conspiracy against you? Like before you got to class the teacher and everybody else figured out the exact mean and standard deviation that would screw you the most? Those bastards.

-The worst part about the curve is that my parents don’t understand it either. Like the following conversation between my dad and me. Dad: So, how was your test? Me: Pretty hard, but everyone else thought it was hard too so the curve might not be that bad. Dad: Don’t worry about anyone else but yourself. Me: I know, but if everyone does badly, then I can still do well. Dad: Why don’t you just try harder, are you on drugs? Me: No Dad, its the curve. Last test I got an A even though my test grade was a 46, because of the curve. Dad: You got a 46? We’re not sending you any more money.

-Of course the only way to beat the curve is to not take the test. How? Make an excuse! I’ve heard some whoppers in my day, but here’s one my unnamed friend at UCLA used. He did no work for his Accounting class and got a D. So he told the department head that he had swollen testicles the whole semester, was in a lot of pain, and was too embarrassed to tell the professor. He got the grade dropped! I love college.

-Everyone is always saying, “I go to bed so late. I don’t sleep enough. I have to catch up on my sleep.” I get too much sleep. I’m sleeping all the time. I have to set my alarm just to wake up at 4pm. Catch up on sleep? I think I have to catch up on my “awake” because I have no clue what the hell goes on during the day.