-After enjoying a peaceful, engagement-free existence for the first few years after college, 75% of my friends got married between the ages of twenty-six and twenty-nine. This first wave were pioneers – introducing me to the wonders of bridal registries, destination weddings, and tuxedo vomit stain removal techniques. But now, a second wave is coming. Those couples (well, the ones who aren’t already divorced), are now shedding light on a phenomenon I’ve had little prior experience with: pregnancy. I can’t tell you how shocked I am by the fact that my married friends are starting to have kids. Not because I don’t think they’re ready, but because I just assumed they no longer had sex.

-The first baby I ever held was my cousin Daniel, a few days after he was born in 2001. He was so delicate that I remember being terrified that I would somehow break him. Now when I visit Daniel he comes flying at my blind side - usually face or feet first – and I end up getting clocked in the balls. I should have taken him down when I had the chance.

-I was hanging out with my pregnant friend a few weeks ago when she said she was hungry. I started to tell her what I had to eat in the house, but by the time I turned around she was already elbow deep into a box of cereal. I asked her if she wanted a bowl or a spoon…or some milk, but her eyes were already glazed over. Now I have to buy more Rice Krispies.

-I’ve long espoused in my books and stand-up act that if you’re dating a girl and you decide to make your relationship “official,” always have that conversation on Valentine’s Day. Cheesy as it may seem, every year henceforth your anniversary will fall on that holiday, enabling you to combine both gifts in one. I call this the “relationship extra-value meal.” Coincidentally, my Israeli buddy Gadi just had a baby girl who was actually born on Valentine’s Day. So if the guy who eventually marries her plays his cards right, he’ll only have to buy her one present the entire year. In other words, she’s a keeper.

-As I mentioned in Ruminations #165, I recently had brunch with two married couples, one of which brought their ten-month-old daughter. The baby was cute and I was several potent Bloody Marys deep, so I started tickling her. My buddy chided me for touching his kid with my germy hands. Um, hello? I bathe daily, carry Purell in my car, and am currently drinking nearly pure alcohol. You’re lucky I’m letting your baby touch ME!

-I firmly believe that all employees have the right to maternity leave. But how anxious are those last few days in the office when you’re trying to get shit done before the baby comes and your co-worker disappears for twelve weeks? “How far apart are the contractions? Do we have time for one more meeting? Shit, her water just broke on the Polycom.”