Ruminations
"You smell so good I could eat you up!" Please don't stranger, please don't.
1 
Doing the walk of shame after a walk of shame theme party is all at once convenient, humiliating, and confusing ("Yes, these really are MY clothes.")
When I was trying to reset my password on a website it asked for my old password to complete the process. I obviously forgot it you idiot website creator.
My coworker was explaining to a guy she met at the bar that she works with children because she loves children. He kept questioning this and badgering her, so she finally blurted out "Yes I love fucking children!" Classic.
At first I just found it amusing that each of my coworkers have separately come to me and talked shit about our other coworkers. And now I'm left wondering what they're saying about me.
I never trust the button lock on the door of the unisex bathroom.
I love when people say "Hi it's so-and-so" after I pick up the phone like 'Heeeey! Whats up?" And by love it I mean hate it.
I'm always hesitant to ask "are you okay?" when i see someone crying. Some people appreciate the gesture but others are like "what the fuck do you think?"
The smell of those tide pens makes me wish I left the stain alone.
Working with kids makes you realize how awfully dirty your mouth is.
Doesn't everyone just blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol?
Every time I go to the car wash I'm disappointed they no longer allow people to sit inside their car as it gets washed.
I don't understand why people call you and try to have a conversation with you when they're on their way to see you in 5 minutes. It should be a "Hi. See you soon? Ok cool bye" and nothing more.
One of the worst feelings is when you've finished undressing and you realize your blinds are open.
My friend said she knew that she and her boyfriend were going to break up after they realized during one conversation that they had run out of things to say. But I thought this is what you're supposed to aim for in relationships - finding that person you can just sit with in comfortable silence. Who wants to make small talk for the rest of their life?
Everyone during exams is like whatever I have an excuse for not showering or changing my clothes for three days. This is insane to me - are you really studying every second that you don't have time for a nice, relaxing shower? I will take any excuse for a break, especially a shower.
I used to get so aggravated because my mom would insist that I never walk on the cellar doors on sidewalks because she's paranoid about falling through. So of course I would purposely walk right over them. The other day my friend was like "What are you dooooing!" as I walked away from her to get around one. I just realize I do that every day.
Don't you hate when people are sitting next to you or looking over your shoulder and every time they move closer, you move farther away. What bigger hint do they need? And I'm talking about a sober, sitting at the library situation.
Now that I'm in college and summer starts early I wish I had a younger sibling to go home and torment every time they come home from school? "Oh you've been up since 6 and had a full day already? Woooow I just woke up"
"Don't worry you'll be OK in college! You're mildly attractive I guess - you look like us!" Why do I desperately miss my brothers?
Whenever people are like - not to be creepy, but I saw blah blah wrote this, or you added that, on your facebook wall - I'm always like - what are you kidding? I'm flattered. Glad I'm not the only one stalking away.
I'm very grateful that my family has not yet decided on a name for the puppy we are going to get. It's been too much fun talking about "that bitch" all day. That bitch better be worth the excitement.
Living in a city in the midwest after living near New York City and going there often, I might be a little overly suspicious. Walking down the street I'm always thinking - Why the FUCK are you looking at me! Did you just smile? What the fuck.
Waking up early to drink is the start to an interesting day.
It sucks when you really like your friends, but you don't like their friends.
I used to think it was stupid to say that certain shoes were slutty. But when you're stumbling home wearing any sort of heels and a skirt/dress that is not past your knees, you feel and look like a ho.
Maybe if you just watch and stop asking questions during the movie you will understand what is going on.
If people on the street are yelling "Hey tuba girl!" you're probably walking in front of some stragglers from the marching band.
I constantly have to remind myself that walking differently when you wear new sneakers that squeak does not make them squeak less, it makes you look reeeally cool.
The "special" sushi rolls are so much better than the ones with only one fish or vegetable, but they take about 5 minutes to chew and you look goofy as fuck.
I'm always very strategic about my walking route to avoid the people on the street handing out flyers that I immediately crumple up and throw away. One day a guy actually ran after me to hand me his little environmental pamphlet. REALLY now? Ok fine that's impressive.
Why do some relatives ALWAYS ask if you have a significant other...if the answer was yes they wouldn't have to be asking.
If you ruin a movie or book for me, I guarantee you will get pistol whipped.
Psychology is the typical bullshit major in college. I'm pretty sure I want to become a psychologist and everyone's just like oooh psych major eh? So what do you really plan on doing?
At home my mom gets so mad whenever I would drink anything from the carton, so I made a point in college drink from my own cartons/big bottles whenever possible. (I know livin big right?) It just started to get old though and I realize now that my roommate and her boyfriend probably think I'm a caveman.
I don't know my roommate's boyfriend too well but I feel like we're pretty close - we've seen each other in all kinds of states you don't want anyone to see you in.
Why is it called a dry "spell"? There is no magic involved..this is just shitty.
TV shows and movies can glamorize any lifestyle or make it seem somehow appealing. The Office is amazing and hilarious, and it still does not look like any kind of fun working in an office.
I never know I'm hungry until I get baked goods in the mail. And then they're gone.
Even after the hours it takes to do the laundry pile that has built up for 2 weeks, there's no satisfaction. I'm always like, well going commando wasn't that bad...I hate you laundry.
Dirt, dust, snow - anything, always ends up getting in my eye, and I always end up winking at strangers. I'm a creep without even trying!
So I know it's rude to stare, but does this rule apply to dogs? Does that guy realize that I do want to kidnap his pug and run the other way down the street? And is he upset by it?
It's kind of ironic - I'm keeping kosher for Passover just to see if I can - but I can't wait til it ends so I can eat pepperoni hot pockets again.
When I'm in a silent room or walking down a long silent hallway and it's only me and one other person, I'm so desperate to break the silence that I will resort to fake-coughing.
It's so funny to walk down the street in the rain and look at everyone you pass - they either look very goofy or very PISSED OFF. You laugh and then you realize you looked exactly the same a moment ago.
I always wonder what exactly the people living next door and across the hall can and cannot hear coming from my room..
The other day I was in a very quiet and secluded part of the gym working out on the elliptical. This guy comes in and starts punching and kicking the punching bag a few feet away. As he got more and more into it, I feared more and more that he was going to suddenly turn around and clock me in the face.
I'm kind of germophobic with some people..but I will not share a spoon with anybody.
I hate when at the beginning of the night girls are like, "Oh I'm going to get sooo drunk tonight!! I'm going to pregame so hard! I might not even make it out!! Ooooh tomorrow's going to blow!!" Please don't say that. Even if you're not actually aiming to do that, that attitude will get you there, and you will end up needing a lot of looking after. PEACE OUT.
I'd like to meet one person that doesn't like The Beatles...I mean does this person exist?
There's nothing worse than being in a rush, getting all ready, and walking outside, only to realize that one of your socks is messed up. Do you stop and fix it and then proceed to sprint to your destination, or walk with a little jig in your step all the way there?
Unless it is highly offensive, everything would be so much easier if everyone just said what they were thinking.
Until the month before college I was sure I was not going to rush or join a sorority, because let's face it, I'd be better off in a frat. Now I am in one and have begun to really like the girls and the sorority, but I still HATE having to tell people that I'm in one - on the off chance that their expression doesn't immediately give it away, I know exactly what they are thinking..stereotypes suck.
My memory hates me. On top of never remembering people's names..I was having dinner last night with my future roommate and completely forgot that she's a vegetarian, and she seemed offended. On the other hand, I can easily remember every detail of your weekend, guy who I stalk on facebook.
Only in college can you expect to see other people in the laundry room at 3 am.
My room right now is so messy that I have to make trails through my crap to walk around. I could clean it but then there would be no more adventure in my life. Aaaah college.
I hate how it's said that you're supposed to make eye contact with someone to let them know you're interested. If I'm interested, I'm going avoid eye contact altogether. I will also most likely move away from you and stalk you from afar.
I wish you could list all of your genuine interests on resumes. Actually, I enjoy drinking, looking up movie quotes, and acting completely inappropriately as much as or more than reading, traveling, and hiking.
You know it's a bad sign when the bartender takes one look at your ID and laughs.
Why is there always nutritional information for unpopped and popped popcorn? Who is going to purposely eat any amount of popcorn kernels?
I love that the elderly man working in security at the airport had to rub it in my face how young I look. "How old are you, dear?" as I'm handing him my driver's license. If I can drive, I'm older than 12, jerk. You look 80 by the way - not 40.
I hate when you see someone you've sort of met once or twice before, but you're not sure if they remember you so you just keep looking at them when they don't notice...until you realize they've been doing the same thing. Shit this is awkward.
I dread running into the exes of my close friends. You've put all this effort into trying to get along with this person and end up becoming pretty friendly. But now I feel like I'm supposed to be like I HATE YOU ASSHOLE. And I always feel guilty and disloyal when I don't.
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