-I’ve always wanted to film a documentary where I go thirty days without drinking alcohol and see how much weight I lose, money I save, and how many girls I’m suddenly unable to speak to.  It would be called “Sober Size Me.”  I’m not sure it’d be Oscar-worthy, but it would certainly reflect the fact that, these days, the vast majority of twentysomethings’ socializing and courtship takes place in bars.  Each weekend we dutifully traipse from the shittiest dives to the trendiest velvet ropes in search of a spot where everybody knows your name – but forgets it by morning.

-I recently went to a bar where the cross street was actually Cross Street.  Trying to explain to my friends how to get there was like playing drunken “Who’s on First?”

-I have never been in a bar where the atmosphere actually improved after a band started playing.

-Some of my buddies used to play Erotic Photo Hunt, which is an electronic bar game that shows you two pictures of naked chicks and challenges you to find the differences.  Then one day the bar changed it from Erotic Photo Hunt to regular Photo Hunt.  Suddenly we were counting how many petals were on the daisy a little girl was holding and it just became weird.