-The past century’s epidemics, revolutions, and catastrophes have, in most instances, demonstrated the resilience of the human spirit.  This refusal to give up is evidenced throughout our great nation.  For instance, in recent years, Cornell University’s annual sloshfest known as Slope Day has been significantly curtailed.  Outside liquor is no longer allowed and purchasing beer at the event is a deliberate pain in the ass.  In response, the students have taken to sneaking onto the slope under the cover of nightfall and burying booze deep in the ground and in sewers.  A few days later, they return for Slope Day and clandestinely excavate (then chug) the contraband.  This will likely escalate to the school lining the slope with land mines, at which point the students will probably resort to dropping bottles of Jack tethered to miniature parachutes from model airplanes flying overhead.  In my travels across the country, I’ve learned that the human spirit to get wasted cannot be defeated.  High school proms may be canceled, frat rows may be turned into ghost towns, and bars may close early, but someway, somehow, somewhere, we will get fucked up anyway.  America is vainly fighting a battle it cannot win – the war on alcohol.

-The principal of a high school near my hometown on Long Island canceled this year’s prom in part because last year’s seniors attempted to rent a ridiculous, $20,000 house in the Hamptons for a post-prom blowout.  There’s talk, of course, of putting on the prom anyway, without involving that pesky principal at all.  There’s also talk of renaming the school “Best High School Ever!”

-Whenever I perform on campus, I always take notice of how many frat houses are boarded up or converted into other buildings.  Unfortunately, the number is steadily creeping up.  I was never quite sure what throwing a frat off campus was supposed to accomplish.  Perhaps scare the shit out of the new tenants?  Even my frat house at Penn is now temporarily a dorm.  To whoever is living in Room 16 – those handcuffs were chained to the radiator when I got there, I swear.

-Here in Los Angeles, the bars close at 2am, with last call at 1:30.  Now I know I’m new here, so I don’t want to complain too much…but I can’t understand how anyone would ever voluntarily live in a city with such a system.  I just moved from New York where the bars are open until 4am.  There’s plenty of time to eat, nap, shower, pre-game, go out, meet chicks, get home, and throw up.  Plus, everyone knows that 2:30 - 3:30am is magic hour – when women are most agreeable to my inappropriate advances.  In LA, everything is condensed – magic hour starts at about 11:15pm.  In other words, while I’m in LA trying to take a girl home, my buddies in New York, even with the time difference, aren’t even drunk enough to talk to one yet.