-One evening this August, I was riding the subway with my buddy Rob.  We were both drinking beer from open containers, and every word we spoke was met with a stare from the train’s other passengers.  Strange, yes.  But not when you consider we were in Tokyo at the time.  On my vacation to Japan this summer with Rob, we made a number of startling discoveries – such as that drinking in public places is legal, but seeing two white dudes speaking English is a sight so rare it drew celebrity-worthy gawks wherever we went.  By the end of our ten-day jaunt – covering Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, and Nara – I could confidently say it was the best trip I have ever taken – outpacing even my previous mancations to Sydney and Rio de Janeiro.  Perhaps most surprising was that the trip didn’t even cost me the arm and a leg I thought it would.  Maybe I’m desensitized to outrageous prices from living in Manhattan and Los Angeles, or maybe Rob is just a cheap bastard who moderated my spending.  Either way, the trip was fast, furious, and surprisingly affordable.  This is my tale of Tokyo thrift.  

-Every employee in Japan smiles.  They seem genuinely thrilled and honored to serve you – from waiters to shopkeepers to the female janitor cleaning the urinal next to mine while I pissed in Kyoto Station (they don’t even bother closing the bathroom).  Everyone is just so happy to see you.  One day, however, Rob and I went to a giant investment bank in Tokyo where a fan of mine had left us baseball tickets to pick up.  In the elevator, we noticed something very odd – no one was smiling.  Which just goes to show you that no matter where you are in the world, investment bankers are still fucking miserable.

-90% of chicks in Tokyo are thin, have perfect skin, dress well, and are hot.  The downside?  They don’t speak a lick of English.  In fact, I found that, in general, most Japanese people know only three English phrases: “Go left,” “Go right,” and “No, we don’t sell beer here.”  Since I wanted to get immersed in the culture (and hit on chicks), I learned a few Japanese phrases: “Hello,” “Excuse me,” “Thank you,” “Hideki Matsui,” “You are very pretty,” and of course, “I am an extremely famous comedian from Los Angeles.”  Sure, I exaggerated a bit on that last one, but I figured if anyone called me out on it, I could just pretend I was Rob – since no one could tell us apart, even though we look nothing alike.

-Japan is the cleanest, safest, most punctual country I have ever been to.  You know those black, gum-looking, filth spots covering the sidewalks and streets of every American city?  Didn’t see one of them in Japan.  In fact, I walked through Tokyo for ten hours in flip-flops and, at the end of the day, my feet were perfectly clean.  Even stranger, public garbage cans are almost impossible to find – so I have no idea where any of the garbage even goes.  No one locks their bikes up in Japan, and cops are even rarer than garbage cans – probably because there’s really nothing for them to do.  Maybe the best part of Japanese society is that all subways, trains, and buses come exactly to the SECOND that they’re scheduled to arrive – which makes getting wasted onboard all the more efficient.