-How’s the electricity situation in your dorm room? My room breaks every fire hazard law in the state of Pennsylvania. I have like a surge protector plugged into a surge protector connected by three extension cords. And behind my desk, oh man, that’s where stray wires go to die. If I ever spill a glass of water back there the whole damn place will blow up.

-Penn is fucking awesome – we just got a steam room in my hallway. Yeah, remember in the last issue when I said that our bathroom water has only two temperatures, off and thermonuclear hot? Well, now the shower is broken. It’s been running continuously for seven fucking days! The shit’s so hot it turned the place into a fucking steam room. We all go in there and sit around in towels talking about the stock market. It’s great.

-Let me just be honest. I have no idea what an imperfect monopoly is, I can’t conjugate a Spanish verb, and I can barely spell calculus, let alone derive anything. But I can buy a keg, tap a keg, fix a keg, pump a keg, and do a kegstand, all with my eyes closed. College, ya gotta love it!

-I have discovered the best spectator sport: watching kids fall asleep in class. Everyone’s done it, it’s fucking hilarious! You know, first their eyes start to close, then their head falls down, then back up again, then down again, then up again. I love it, pretty soon everyone in the class is fixated on this poor fucker who can’t keep his eyes open. Of course, it’s always funny until it’s you. Then it’s like, why didn’t you assholes wake me up!?