-Valentine’s Day is a holiday – if you can even call it that – where couples are encouraged to rejoice in their relationships while single people secretly make fun of them.  I imagine some single chicks get depressed around this time of year, but for single guys, Valentine’s Day is like Columbus Day – it has no bearing on my life and I usually only find out about it the day before.  This year, however, Valentine’s Day does have some additional significance.  I just calculated that 23 of my 30 guy friends, or about 77%, either have very serious girlfriends, are engaged, or are married.  That means I’m part of a rapidly dying breed.  This week, as couples across the country celebrate their utter fucking lameness, I will instead be examining what it means to be male, twentysomething, and, well, free.  I hereby present to you my address on the State of the Single Guy.

-There’s one thing that I love more than anything else about being single.  And it’s not the freedom to hook up with whoever I want.  It’s much simpler than that.  Right now I just relish being able to fart at any moment.  I possess complete fart autonomy – “fartonomy” if you will.  When you have a girlfriend or a wife hanging around all the time, fartonomy is the first thing to go.  Frankly, that’s a level of sacrifice I’m not yet prepared to make.

-The truth is, though, being a single guy is a fucking job.  We have to work to hook up.  There’s a reason it’s called “giving head” – girls decide they’re either going to give it to us or not, and we have very little say in the matter.  That’s why single guys, as opposed to our betrothed counterparts, feel the need to go out so much.  If there’s a chance that some girl, somewhere, is considering giving someone head, I need to make sure I’m there to possibly receive it.

-One of the most frequent questions I get from my female readers is, “Why didn’t he call?”  Ladies, if you go out or hook up with a guy and then he never calls you, there’s really only a few possible reasons: 1) He was already seeing someone else and that relationship has since gotten more serious; 2) You’re not nearly as cute in person as you look on MySpace; 3) You didn’t fuck him; or 4) You did fuck him.  Yeah, I know those last two can be confusing.  I’d explain further, but I’ve already said too much.