-The other day, I was reading about these bugs called cicadas that lie dormant underground for seventeen years.  Then, after seventeen years, they come out, they mate, and then they die the next day.  And I couldn’t help but wonder, how much would it suck to be the guy that doesn’t hook up that night?

-When presented with the prospect of hitting the bars after a long day of work, human males will always carefully consider their options.  The angel on one shoulder says, “Stay home!  You’re gonna have two overpriced beers and want to leave in ten minutes anyway.  Plus you just got that gourmet new porno.”  But the devil on the other shoulder simply says, “But if you go out, you might hook up.”  Ever wonder where the devil is later, when you’re paying for those expensive drinks and there’s not a chick in sight?  I bet he’s trying to fuck the angel.

-And as much energy as guys expend attempting to hook up, girls expend an equal amount thwarting our advances.  I’ve found that the less a girl wants to hook up with a guy she meets at a bar, the more outlandish an excuse she’ll give, and it will often be accompanied by blatant giggling and eye rolling with her nearby girl friends.  And nothing inspires confidence in a guy like a giggling, eye-rolling girl telling you she has to leave because her bi-racial, lesbian half-sister’s Bat Mitzvah is in the morning.

-If a girl does actually decide to go home with a guy, she’ll often try to be stern and lay down the law as to how far the hook-up is going to go.  However, instead of being dejected, guys are usually elated because we then expect to get one notch below where the line was drawn.  If a girl says, “Just so you know, I’m not sleeping with you,” we’re thinking, “Awesome.  Blow job!”