-Congratulations Class of 2005! You’re about to earn your college degree. You’re probably feeling excited, anxious, saddened, and hungover all at once. Don’t worry, that’s normal. I should know. I’m Class of 2001. I’m you in four years. I live in a place called the “real world.” We’re very excited that you’ll be joining us soon (especially if you’re a hot chick with low standards). This is your welcome guide.
-You know how some people are always saying that life only gets better after college? They’re lying. Life gets much, much worse. One moment you’re doing jagerbombs in a frat house basement, and next thing you know you’re sitting in a cubicle staring at the beanie baby atop of your co-worker’s computer monitor. But don’t freak out! Once you get the hang of things, life will eventually get a lot better, better even than college. Then shit kinda evens out. Right now, I’m about even. Trust me, even is good.
-Soon, you will get your own credit card. It’s kind of cool. You’ll even find out that you can earn “points” toward free stuff by spending lots of money. Also cool, right? Wrong! Points do nothing. I have about 10 billion American Express points. You know what I’ve earned? A one-way flight with layovers…that I need to book two years in advance…and sit in the bathroom.
-You know how in the “American Pie” movies, Kevin always calls his older and, presumably wiser, brother, who is at some business conference or something, and asks him for sex advice? You’re the older brother now. Trippy, huh?
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