-Males in their early twenties approach each new situation in life the same way we approach a new issue of Maxim magazine – first we look for the hot girls, then we check to see if there is anything else interesting going on, and when there’s not, we go about our day as usual. We are a simple species, yet so often misunderstood. For instance, if you follow entertainment news at all, you’ll know that everyone in Hollywood is freaking out because the highly coveted 18-34 male demographic doesn’t watch prime-time television anymore. I’d venture to guess that the reason for this is that Hollywood does not place enough emphasis on our three primary interests: chicks, beer and SportsCenter. This month, for the benefit of confused women and befuddled network executives alike, I’d like to take you on a journey through the world of the twentysomething guy. I have to warn you, though, it ain’t pretty.

-Guys never order fancy shit off of a drink menu. If it’s not either clear or brown, we don’t want it.

-Guys lose clothes when they get ass. Whenever a girl leaves my place in the morning and asks for something to wear, I always give her my most expendable shirt because I know I’m never getting it back. It’s like a sacrifice to the hook-up gods.

-Guys hate it when girls ask us to guess how old they are. The worst possible thing to do is offend them, so you have to make sure you guess younger than you think they actually are. Last week I met this chick at a bar and she asked me to guess how old she was. I was like, “Uh, eight?”