-Do you have that friend that still goes away to camp every summer?  What is wrong with these people?  At the end of every summer you have to hear from them about camp: “Oh, my bunk was so awesome!  And color war was great!  We won, but it was the closest score ever!”  Are you kidding me?  They say it was the closest score every year!  You’re twenty years old, get a damn job!

-In every graduating class from high school, there’s always like five couples that decide that they are staying together when they go away to college.  This always baffles me.  Of all the couples from your school who did this, how many are still together?  Zero!  That’s because it never works!  Who are you kidding?  Instead of talking to your boyfriend/girlfriend who is 500 miles away on the phone (“Oh, I can’t wait to see you over Thanksgiving”), get a clue and hook up with as many people as possible!

-Going out drinking with my friends is like being in the cartoon Snow White and the Seven Drunk Dwarfs.  There’s Sloppy: the kid that always pukes at some point in the night.  There’s Forgetful: the guy who wakes up in a ditch somewhere and can never remember how he got there.  There’s Angry: the one who gets drunk and tries to fight everyone, no matter how much bigger they are than him.  There’s Tipsy: the kid who’s wasted off two beers.  There’s Helpful: the kid who never really gets that drunk, so he’s always able to help the other Dwarfs when they get into trouble.  There’s Sneezy: the guy who’s on antibiotics but drinks anyway and ends up getting twice as fucked up as everyone else but can’t figure out why.  And, of course, there’s Horny, who has poor judgment when he drinks and thinks he’s going home with Snow White but ends up waking up next to a fat chick.

-I don’t understand why my professors still can’t work the audio-visual equipment in the classrooms.  Trying to watch a video becomes a half-hour ordeal because this jerk with seven Phds can’t figure out the VCR.  Just hit play you asshole!