-I’m an avid sports fan and television aficionado, enjoy travel and working out, and possess a growing shot glass collection. But in reality, I – like most men – have but one true hobby: women. You see, the male mind may be disorganized and easily distracted, but there is a single rule that trumps all others: ladies first. The irony, of course, is that despite our tireless study and pursuit of the fairer sex, guys continue to be confounded by their seemingly arbitrary behavior. It’s that unpredictability that make women so frustrating, inscrutable – and downright irresistible.

-I think that when women turn thirty, they shift from picking apart every little thing a guy does as a reason why he’s an asshole, to rationalizing every little thing a guy does as a reason why he has potential: “Look at the way Jim parallel parks…I really think he could be the one.”

-Ladies, if you ask me a question while your breasts or my junk is exposed, there is a 100% chance you'll get the answer you want, but only a 50% chance I'll be telling the truth.

-Why do women run so awkwardly? Tuck those elbows in! You’re jogging, not attempting liftoff.