-Well, we’re finally back to school.  Thank God!  Home got boring after about thirty seconds.  Here was my schedule: sleep all day, wake up, shower, eat, take a nap, eat again, watch Breast Men on HBO, get fucked up with my high school boys, come home, repeat for three weeks.

-And at home I ate so much earlier.  At school we eat dinner at like 7, 8, or 9 o’clock.  At home I was like sitting down to eat at 5:30.  I was like, what the fuck is going on here?  I felt like I retired and moved to Florida.  Two more weeks of that and I swear to God I would have been wearing blue polyester pants and playing shuffleboard!

-And what about using the phone at home!  At school I have my own line but at home I don’t.  I’m picking up the phone at home like, “Yeah, what the fuck do you want?  Oh… Grandma… um, I wasn’t talking to you, I swear!”  Plus at home all you have to do is dial, I’m sitting there dialing nine, entering my personal access code, I’m like why the fuck isn’t this working?

-Being at school so much really does fuck you up.  Did you ever notice that the temperature inside your dorm is always the same, year-round?  I wear short sleeves every day.  I go home and it’s like since when did it get so fucking cold in the winter?  And what’s with this drinking water straight from the tap?  At school I have to send that shit through two Brita filters just to avoid getting tuberculosis!