-During this holiday season, I have been getting emails from readers around the world who are visiting New York for the first time.  It seems as if I am considered a connoisseur of nightlife in the city because I frequently write about my nocturnal exploits.  The one question I get most often from out-of-towners is this: “Karo, what’s a good bar to go to?”  And after a few minutes of stammering and racking my brain, I usually respond, “You know what, man, I have no fucking clue.”  The thing is, the bar scene in this town is more inconsistent than a Giants long snapper.  Sometimes I get so frustrated I just want to take a wrecking ball to some of the spots around here.  In that spirit, I present you with my official guide to “razing the bar.”

-They say it’s not enough to know what you don’t like, you need to know what it is that you do like.  Fuck that.  Here are five bars to avoid: any place that has more bouncers outside than people on line, any place that plays the songs “Jesse’s Girl” or “Love Shack,” any place where the coat check costs more than a Coor’s Light, any place where glow sticks can be found, and, finally, any place where you can shout “Ooh ooh” in that annoying high-pitched voice and people respond “Ooh ooh!”

-If you’re gonna go out in New York, you have to talk the talk.  Terms you need to know: Cover, Promoter, Comped, Guest List, VIP, and Reduced.  “Cover” is the charge you pay at the door just to get in the club.  In business school terms, the purpose of the cover is to increase customer switching costs, i.e. once you pay twenty bucks to get in somewhere, you’re less likely to leave and go somewhere else.  “Promoter,” also known as “Clipboard Guy”, is hired by the club to tell everyone they know about a party that night and then stand outside and not let anyone in.  “Comped” means the promoter told you that you would get in for free, but when you get there you’re not on the “Guest List” he has on his clipboard and you have to pay anyway.  “VIP” and “Reduced” mean the same thing…absolutely nothing!

-Remember in college how the beer was free-flowing and you could drink half a Natty Light, say the rest was “ass” and then toss it?  Well welcome to NYC baby, that Amstel in your hand cost eight bucks, you better drink every last drop!