-There’s nothing that requires less maintenance than male friendship.  Girls make carefully laid-out plans with each other.  Guys just sort of show up.  Your doorbell rings, you open it, your buddy is there, he has beer, you welcome him in, and that’s it.  Hanging out with the guys – sometimes referred to as “bro-ing out” – is an activity that all men are instinctually drawn to – just like texting while on the toilet or watching unnecessarily demeaning porn.  Guys in their twenties have an especially strong bond, due to having several years of actual life experience under our belts and the knowledge that marriage is slowly but surely dwindling our numbers.  Bro-ing out is our way of steadfastly maintaining that bond – as long as someone brings the beer.

-If chicks don’t see their friends for like two weeks, they often cry and send each other emails complaining that they feel “distant.”  I haven’t seen some of my friends in about a year, and I feel nothing.  My buddy Triplet #3 is having a bachelor party in Montreal next month, and just seeing the boys for 48 hours of debauchery will be enough to sustain our friendship for another decade.

-Sometimes I’ll be hooking up with a girl and, due to some particular circumstance, she asks, “Can you please not tell your friend about this?”  I always promise to oblige then immediately resume removing her Rock & Republics.  Of course, the first thing I do upon leaving the scene is call the guy friend in question and tell him every detail – including the fact that the girl asked me not to, which is often the best part of the story itself.  

-Only dudes thank their friends for not caring about them.  A few weeks ago, I got a frantic call from my buddies in New York asking if I’d spoken to Claudio recently.  Apparently, they’d all gone out and gotten shithammered, but no one had heard from Claudio the entire next day.  I dropped Claud a text but was generally unconcerned and soon forgot about it.  Two days later, he resurfaced and explained that he was just really hungover and had lost his cell phone.  I told him I figured as much but that everyone else was freaking out.  Claud replied fondly, “Karo, I knew you wouldn’t be worried.”  “Hey,” I said, “That’s not what friends are for.”