-In three weeks, I will be returning to where this column began – the University of Pennsylvania – for my five-year reunion. While I don’t expect quite the shit show that was my first Homecoming, when I fell one girl short of the hook-up cycle (a freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior in one week), I am excited to see old friends I haven’t kept in touch with, then later make fun of them with the friends I have kept in touch with. But there will be one major distinction between myself and the rest of the members of the Class of 2001: both in mind and body, I’ve never really left college. For the past few years, I have been traveling the country, performing stand-up at schools big and small, and even waking up in the occasional sorority house. Therefore I thought it appropriate, on this landmark occasion of my five-year reunion, to ruminate on the current status of college life in America, and how much things have changed – and remained the same – since I graduated. This is my State of the Student Union Address.
-The most salient trend on college campuses these days (besides ogling FSU chicks on Facebook) is the misguided attempt by administrations to curtail full-scale drunken debauchery. My favorite example of this is the ads I’ve seen in a half-dozen schools’ newspapers and dorms that say something like: “67% of Students Have Four or Fewer Drinks When They Party.” I mean, is that not pure comedy or what? You know who these ads are reaching? The 67% of students who have four or fewer drinks when they party. The other 33% – i.e. the kids having fun – are way too blindingly drunk to read a newspaper or make it back to their dorm anyway.
-Statistics! Oh the statistics they’ll show you to prove that the War on Alcohol is working on campus! Well let me share some compelling anecdotal evidence that it’s not working at all – in fact, kids are getting drunker than ever, and creatively so. At Northwestern, I discovered a group of students that actually invented a solitaire-style drinking game. That’s right, a drinking game you can play against yourself. It’s basically flip cup, but instead of two teams, you play your right hand versus your left hand. Long live higher education.
-And let’s just say that college students are drinking less – if only because of the increasing inconvenience it is to even purchase alcohol without getting hassled. You know what kids are doing instead? Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. I never even saw cocaine until I was a senior in college. Now freshmen are blowing rails like Amtrak. The first time I ever took prescription painkillers was when I had my appendix out six months after graduation. Now fraternities are electing Presidents, Treasurers, and Pharmacists. That’s right, administrators. Your alcoholic kids now have a drug problem. Good work!
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