-Dry-erase boards. Now there’s a great invention. My pen was stolen the first night so now it’s fucking useless. And stupid me I put it over the peephole by accident and now I can’t get the fucking double-sided tape off so I’m stuck with an obsolete piece of glorified cardboard on my door. Who the hell stole my pen anyway? Is there some underground black market for pens whose mark can be erased so easily? And if there is, who the hell is stupid enough to buy them? It’s just one of those college mysteries.

-So I’m walking back from a frat party at like four in the morning, alone and drunk off my ass, and this homeless guy comes up to me and mumbles something. I didn’t have any change, but I was drunk so I gave him a dollar bill. You know what the dude said to me? “I don’t think you understood me, man, I asked for a cigarette.” So I say, “How can you be so picky? Don’t you know that beggars can’t be choosers?”

-Let’s go back to the bathroom situation. The most difficult part of taking a shower in a communal bathroom is the take-your-towel-off-before-you-get-in-the shower-but-don’t-let-anyone-see-you-naked maneuver. It’s really difficult! If you aren’t quick enough, your towel will get soaked in the shower, but if you’re slow, the dude using the sink right next to you will see all you have to offer. Plus, you have to get the towel to hang correctly on the hook while making sure not to let it touch the pool of urine right below. It’s a fucking obstacle course!

-Let’s continue on the shower situation. I don’t know about your shower, but whoever designed my bathroom’s shower curtain made it as aerodynamic as possible so that the slightest gust of air blows it completely off. If someone slams the door hard enough while you’re taking a shower, the curtain blows right out the fucking window! And it always happens when you’re washing your face so that your eyes are closed and don’t notice the curtain is gone for like two minutes.