-Greatest Hits compilations are a tricky business.  Everyone hates those fucking bands that have been around for like three years, produce a couple of mildly popular songs, and then just start putting out multi-disc Greatest Hits box sets like it’s their job.  As a comedian, I didn’t want to fall into a similar trap.  Throughout September, I am proud to be celebrating ten years since I began writing this column way back in 1997.  Although I’m no musician, I have now been putting out material (and taking down the occasional groupie) for a solid decade – a milestone I humbly deemed worthy of my first Greatest Hits issue.  Selecting which of my anecdotes would be considered “greatest” was a challenge – they’re all my babies.  But in the end, I chose jokes that met one of three criteria: 1) they invoked a strong reader reaction, 2) they remained particularly poignant after many years, or 3) they were a personal favorite of mine.  And don’t worry, this will be my last Greatest Hits edition for at least another five to ten… months (just kidding).  As with last week’s glossary, the issue and year in which the entry originally appeared follows each joke.  I hope you enjoy, and thank you for joining me to celebrate ten years of Ruminations!

-I’ve found that when I’m on the treadmill I tend to slyly glance at the person next to me to see how fast they’re running.  Like we’re in some sort of crazy race that goes nowhere.  [#48, 2003]

-Ever notice that when you’re sitting at a restaurant and the waiter comes over to take your order, you instinctively re-open and look at your menu even though you already know exactly what you want?  [#49, 2004]

-Do you have that one poster in your dorm room that has fallen down every single day so far?  And it’s always right over your bed so it falls on you in the middle of the night and scares the shit out of you?  And the funny thing is you’re too lazy to put any extra tape on it to make it stick so you put it back up knowing full well that it’s going to fall down again in about twelve hours.  [#11, 1998]