-Our generation is generally more apolitical, agnostic, and, well, apathetic than our parents’.  When asked to speak out for or against an issue, we default to ambivalence – because it just seems like a lot less work.  This tepidness extends not just to matters of national importance, but also – and, perhaps more so – to the day-to-day minutiae of our lives.   We don’t say what we’re thinking because we don’t want to piss anyone off, or worse, get fired.  Because I’m not concerned about either of those things, I’d like to take this opportunity to vent on behalf of my peers.  After all, generations past spoke out on what they cared about most.  But if there’s one thing that today’s twentysomethings are most passionate about, it’s not caring at all in the first place.

-Nobody cares about your fucking fundraiser.  Listen, charity is great and I donate every year – on my own accord.  But these days I get invited to more fundraisers than I did birthday parties the year my friends all turned twenty-one.  So please stop emailing me about car washes, bake sales, sock hops, and silent auctions for random-ass causes I have no desire to support.  It’s enough already.  I don’t want to go.  In fact, no one wants to go.  Unless of course it’s open bar – then maybe we’ll consider it.  

-Don’t include a list of your favorite books in your online profile if you’re just going to list the Harry Potter series.  Hell, I’ve read them, too.  But who are we kidding?  Everyone knows that, in your case, those are the only seven books you’ve read in the past decade.  Considering their target age group is about eight years old, you should be embarrassed.

-Fuck global warming.  That’s right, I said it: fuck global warming.  I believe it exists and I believe it’s bad.  I just can’t stand to hear one more celebrity talk about it.  If the federal government wants to enact a law that within five years all cars need to get 50 MPG, I’m fine with that.  In the meantime, leave me the fuck alone.  I mean, what the hell do you expect me to do – build a compost heap in my fucking one-bedroom apartment?