-This past Saturday was the five-year anniversary of my move from New York to Los Angeles. I’ve even experienced the five stages of grief since leaving Manhattan – though somewhat out of order. First there was denial: “I’m not moving to LA, I’m just visiting for a while.” Next there was bargaining: “Okay, I’ll sign a one-year lease, but then I’ll go back to NYC.” Then there was depression: “If I see another palm tree I’m gonna shoot myself.” That was followed by acceptance: “Who am I kidding? I’m never leaving.” And last but not least, I’ve entered the final stage: anger. Quite frankly, I hate LA.

-My car has a navigation system that shows you real-time traffic. Every time I pull out of my driveway in West Hollywood and turn it on, little red and yellow cars that signify traffic jams pop up on every single street within a five-mile radius. It’s totally pointless. I keep expecting the nav’s robotic voice to say: “Make a left, then another left, then another left, then another left back into your driveway and never leave the house again.”

-There is no place to get a normal fucking sandwich here. I don’t want Quiznos, I don’t want Subway, I don’t want to spend more than eight bucks, and I don’t want to go anywhere “famous.” I want a single deli counter with a rickety ceiling fan and a grumpy guy in a paper hat who doesn’t take any guff. Is that too much to ask? And while we’re at it: no, I would not like avocado jammed into every fucking meal. It does not belong!

-Strangely, the thing that a lot of my friends hate most about LA – the people – is the one thing that doesn’t really bother me. Sure there are hordes of douchey agent types, but they’re no worse than bankers in New York. And there are certainly many stereotypical hot-as-balls but dumb-as-bricks actress wannabes, but they’re kind of fun to try to fuck. I’ve actually met some great people out here. If you think about it, LA is a little like college. As I wrote in Ruminations #2, during freshman year a close friend was someone who had an industrial-sized fan and a grilled cheese maker. In Los Angeles, he’s the one who knows where to get a decent turkey sandwich and the quickest route to LAX.