-When I stepped down from the podium after delivering a speech at my college graduation, I spotted my parents in the crowd.  I saw the huge smile on my mom’s face and tears coming from my dad’s eyes, and that’s when I knew it was all over.  They would never give me money ever again.  In the weeks that followed, financial independence was thrust upon me.  Credit cards were cut in half, bank accounts were closed, and (gasp!) I even started a 401k, all under the watchful eye and satisfied grin of my father.  Luckily, my cushy Wall Street job helped pay the bills at first.  However, since leaving my job to pursue comedy full-time, I have managed to maintain my gluttonous lifestyle without returning, hat in hand, to my parents.  A wallet full of singles can go surprisingly far in this fair city.  And that, my friends, is the power of ones.

-One thing I never do is budget.  It’s overrated.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty good idea of what I spend every week, but I have friends that write down every single thing they purchase in an organized spreadsheet.  I did that for a month once.  At the end of the month I calculated that I spent 65% of my money on alcohol, 30% on food and 5% on new heads for my electric toothbrush.  Damn you Oral-B!

-Now that I don’t have a “real” job, my wallet feels kind of empty.  Gone are all those ID cards and lunch cards from the office.  My driver’s license and Amex were getting lonely in the front, so I promoted my CVS and health insurance cards from the inside pocket to the outside slits, leaving my Blockbuster card and gym ID behind.  They were pissed but I told them laminated plastic just can’t cut it in the big leagues.

-ATM fees pose a conundrum for many.  “Wait a minute, I have to pay money just to get money?”  My buddy Claudio is so morally opposed to paying ATM fees that whenever he needs cash he hops on the subway to his bank downtown.  Cost of a one-way subway fare?  $1.50.  ATM fee he is trying to avoid?  $1.50.  Having a friend that’s a fucking idiot?  Priceless.