Ruminations
Some cleavage is just asking for a big juicy motorboat.
9 
Love knows no boundaries. Lust is quite familiar with them.
I am much like the Northern Hawk Owl - I am territorial, I eat large quantities in the middle of the night, and I don't wear pants.
It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.
It's not easy to tell a friend that her jellyfish tattoo looks more like a gooey wiener.
I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.
I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.
If you're happy and you know it? What kind of mental patient is happy and doesn't know it?
If your girlfriend takes a pole dancing class it's just common decency to accompany her to the strip club for a field trip.
When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.
At loud bars I've given up pretending to know what someone said to me, so now I just repeat back exactly what I heard. "Monkeys need orgasm? Sounds great!"
Since the hottest chicks always seem to date the biggest assholes I wonder if, "come here, bitch" would be an effective pick-up line.
Sometimes I glance in the mirror and think, "hey that guy looks just like me!"
Nothing good can come from picking up a Rubik's cube. If you can't solve it you lose. If you can solve it you're a loser.
How to mess with any girl: say "looks like someone didn't quite finish tweezing today," and walk away.
Any picture reduced to thumbnail size looks like porn to me.
It freaks me out that the dude that jumped out of the trunk was fully naked but I still couldn't see his junk.
I hated when my dad would try to act cool and embarrass me in front of my friends. Luckily my kids don't have that problem because their dad has dope beatboxing skills.
I have a 7 foot tall friend that thinks it's cute how the rest of us assume dressing room doors provide any privacy.
Once my kids found out they were called 'throw pillows' I had to remove all of the expensive objects from my living room.
You know what extends my slump? You asking about my slump.
There were two movies that came out recently with the same name, "Nine" and "9". Call me crazy, but aren't there an INFINITE amount of other numbers that would have avoided this?
If a guy asks the girl he's seeing, "Would you ever make out with a chick for me?" the response, "No. I'd do it for myself." - Best. Answer. Ever.
Apparently, "don't text at the dinner table" translates to "text under the dinner table" in teenglish.
I bet that white tiger that mauled Roy is a legend among circus animals.
I have an ever-growing collection of cords, adapters, and spare electronic parts. I have no idea what they go with but I'm terrified of throwing any of them away.
Just once I'd love for Watson to snap back, "I got your elementary right here Holmes, you condescending bastard!"
Having sex with a conjoined twin should count as a threesome on your sexual bucket list.
You know there's a problem when the emergency list of phone numbers kept on the fridge includes Daddy's favorite bar.
My governor is your typical, every day Austrian born Mr. Universe body builder - turned action hero movie star - turned conservative politician. You know, someone we can all relate to.
I keep a couple of jugs of milk in the fridge at all times – mostly because it gives me a reason to say ‘jugs’.
When company is coming over, I make sure the contents of my waste baskets around the house are presentable - embarrassing ointments to the bottom, trendy men's magazines to the top, porn hand delivered to my neighbor's garbage can.
I think it would be a fun fact to know how many girls have fallen off the front of a cruise ship trusting their boyfriend to do that flying thing from Titanic.
You know it’s been a good vacation day when there’s an imprint of your couch pattern on your naked butt cheeks.
I think one of the attachments to my vacuum cleaner might be banned in some southern states.
I love when my coworkers don't hear their own naughty puns. "I'm super anal retentive so I'm always sure to cover my ass... what? Why is everyone laughing?!"
I've gotten really good at typing with one hand. I won't tell you why.
Nothing reminds you how little you understand about the world like an inquisitive 7 year old. "Daddy, how does the gas pump know your car is full?" - "No fucking idea sweetie."
I don't care how many cars I own, I'll always be jealous of that little bastard kid with the motorized scooter.
The word 'luge' sounds more like a nose projectile than a winter sport.
It seems like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a pissed off animal lover these days.
The products we use to clean our bodies come from some of the gunkiest containers in the house.
Frustration is opening my Dark Knight DVD cover and finding Wall-E, opening Wall-E and finding Ace Ventura, and opening Ace Ventura and finding a half eaten Starburst.
If your profile states that your three favorite things are scuba diving, your cats, and really good BBQ I have no choice but to picture you turning Fluffy on the rotisserie while wearing a wet suit and flippers.
Vacuuming the dust off my exercise equipment is exhausting.
Either that hot girl giving a presentation just now said, "invagination" or it's been too long since I've invaginated.
"You know, more people are killed by shark attacks each year than skydiving accidents!" Fine. I'm still not going skydiving, and now you can add surfing to that list too.
Anatomy teachers probably sound like huge dorks when talking dirty in bed. "Ooh yeah, my greater vestibular glands are secreting for you baby!"
If I actually vomited as often as I complain about things making me want to vomit, I'd be my ideal weight.
Guys, if you ever find yourself newly married and saying things like, "we're trying to get pregnant" instead of "we're fucking a lot", you're no longer welcomed in guy conversations.
If I ask you what religion you are and you say, "there isn't a category for my beliefs"... yes there is, it's called Wackjobism - and it's one of the fastest growing categories in my book.
I identify with Eric Cartman's views a lot more than I like to admit.
Wearing fur-lined slippers in public is just another way of announcing to the world that you've come to terms with your own douchebaggedness.
Being divorced and bitter makes it hard to sincerely congratulate people on their engagement. "Congrats. I'm sure you'll beat the odds and not want to swallow razor blades in a few years. Yay marriage."
There is no good time of the month for foreplay with strawberry syrup.
I have some relatives that call to let me know they arrived home safely after their long drive from my house. I never know how to respond. "Uh, Great. Thanks for calling. I was so worried that I napped all day."
I just caught myself mumbling, "you kids keep leaving these lights on and I'm gonna make you pay the electric bill", and I was the only person in the house. And with that, the transition to becoming my dad is complete.
I just stepped fully into the shower wearing my glasses. So much for my 'no more being a moron' resolution.
Scissors, wire cutters, utility knife, pliers, hack saw, jaws-of-life, blow torch... I think I'm ready for tomorrow's toy extractions.
Obviously this is the week for pushing the limits of pajama-pantsdom.
If I find out my kids have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads I'm going to search their rooms for substances.
I'd be much more inclined to purchase a home security system if they offered a moat and drawbridge package. And yes, I would be interested in the angry alligator option.
When a student asks, "why do we have to learn this?" an honest teacher would reply, "so you'll do well at bar trivia."
If a guy says to a girl, "I love you and I want you to have my children", she should make sure he isn't talking about his existing kids.
My son has one of those electronic games that doesn't have an off button - it has to sit idle long enough for me to forget about it and think I'm alone in the room, then it shouts "I'M OUTTA HERE!" shutting down the game and my sphincter control.
Tables are cold and revealing. Booths are comfy and secrety.
I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
If a band is made up of 1 girl and 3 guys I automatically assume they've each had their turn with her.
A bitchy nurse will always announce that visiting hours are over immediately after a dramatic vow of vengeance has been made.
Fuck the fashionistas! It's never too cold for mesh!
If a guy does something nice for a girl 'just because', he really means, "just because I want to hit that."
All horoscopes should read: The month of your birth does not dictate your personality or future. And the planets don't give a shit about you. Get a brain cell.
If you shoot first and ask questions later, I imagine one of your 'later' questions will be "why is my wife dead?"
I wonder how long after the wedding Prince Eric started wishing Ariel were a mute again.
The last time I trusted someone who said, "trust me", I woke up with a little rash.
You don't have to keep telling me, "Dude, I'm so drunk." I know what drunk looks like and you're not it. See Phil over there hitting on the coat rack? That's drunk.
The sign only says, "No shoes, no shirt, no service", right? Sweet... off come the pants.
I always seem to walk right past the one car in the parking lot with a demon dog inside that barks through the 3 inches of open window - stopping my heart and making me impale myself on the side mirror of the neighboring car.
I bring 2 expensive bottles of wine and take home an Ove Glove. Fucking gift exchange parties.
It's impolite to look at a person's abnormality, but it's also rude if you don't look someone in the eye when they're talking to you. This conundrum is why I fear and avoid lazy-eyed people.
Short guys that are insecure about their height make me laugh... especially when I tweak their cute wittle noses.
I really wish people would stop with the graffiti... except in bathroom stalls. Sometimes I need it there.
1 out of 5 married men admits to cheating, huh? Then of the remaining 4, I promise you... 1 is lying, 1 would if he could, 1 is dying inside, and 1 thought the question was about income taxes.
Doesn't it seem inefficient that ambulances only carry 1 patient? If there are a lot of injured people can't they throw a couple more back there and maybe let one ride shotgun?
Nipples usually fall into one of two categories: little brownies or big pinkies.
There really needs to be a "you're a fucking moron" emoticon.
Eating Jello takes me back to the summers of my childhood... although I don't think mom included vodka in the recipe.
You know what's worse than those tacky, blow-up Christmas lawn decorations? How they look like lifeless scrotums during the day.
At carnivals you can pay one price and get a bracelet that gives you unlimited access to all the rides. I wish bars had magical bracelets too.
If I ever get cavity searched I wonder if I can request that a female officer be present. Because that'd be kinda hot.
Whenever I'm in a really foul mood I put on my Godzilla costume and kick in all of my kid's lego buildings going "RARR!"
I used to be in favor of health care reform. Now I want anyone who mentions it to fall over dead.
Some girls apply lipstick light in the middle and dark around the edges because they think it makes their lips look fuller. But actually it makes them look like they want their mouth fuller.
Using a fake raspy voice to call in sick always gives me a sore throat... making the sick day justified.
I bet the fatty acids always get picked on by the other acids.
Ladies, if you live with a man there's a high probability that he has used your hairbrush to scratch his nards.
Nice try, but there's no such thing as drunkish.
My favorite country songs are the ones that don't sound like country songs.
It's good to have a go-to song memorized in case an annoying one gets stuck in your head. Mine is "Suck on my Chocolate Salty Balls".
If I ever go to a palm reader I think I'll rub one out first... just to see if she notices.
The older you get the more bizarre the methods of inserting medicine into your body. I'm approaching suppository station.
I'm much more prepared to handle an insult than a compliment.
"It's not that I don't trust you" means "I absolutely don't trust you."
I imagine the most common quote heard at the site of the world's largest rubberband ball is, "Wow, that's a big rubberband ball!" A close second would be, "Ok, I'm ready to go."
I just bought some cookies and tried to hide them from myself. Unfortunately I was peeking.
Ants that get directly hit by the spray die immediately. The ones nearby do an over-dramatic stagger before collapsing. Some of those whiny bitches deserve a little ant oscar.
I would start working out but I'm beefing up for my 'before' picture.
A few of us at work were tasked with throwing a pain-in-the-ass coworker a going away party. Deep down we all knew it was really a ‘go away’ party.
Some movies should never be edited for television. Kill Bill Vol. 1 turns into a romantic comedy.
Occasionally, when I eat an apple I like to see how big of a bite I can take. When I do the same thing with a banana it makes others uncomfortable.
Thank god I learned that the circumference of a circle is 2πr because I actually had to use it once since I graduated... and that was just now, to write this.
If a TV show uses the “parental discretion advised” warning and doesn't do something sufficiently dirty, I feel ripped off.
There ought to be a phobia for 'the fear of coming into contact with other customers while at Wal-Mart'... because I've got it.
Whenever I just put on deodorant instead of showering, I picture a little battle between the good smells and bad smells going on in my armpit.
Any woman who claims to be low maintenance is really just good at saving up her crazy to unleash on you at a more strategic time.
I was helping with an art project where the kids were using scented markers. One kid complained, "Hey, this doesn't smell brown!" Fearing he might show me what brown really smells like, I switched tables.
Imagine being a female animal on the ark - afloat for a year, and every time you turn around there's that same annoying male saying, "Come on baby we need to repopulate our species!"
Never use the last spoon, knife or fork in the drawer. Have you seen the bottom of your silverware holder? Those are kitchen boogers in there.
Any guy that gives advice to a girl on how to deal with her boyfriend, is really just patiently investing in his future.
When the doorbell rings unexpectedly am I the only one who has to rush around and hide stuff while putting on pants?
I fear the day when my daughters start fitting into adult Halloween costumes.
Just like aging fine cheese or wine, a gift card must sit in my wallet through several visits to that location before it's ready for use.
A nearby church Harvest Festival is advertising that there will be an apple relay, a cake walk, and a 'pumpkin snatch'. I've always just carved a face on them.
You know it was a good Halloween party when you can't remember which events actually took place and which were part of a perverted dream you had.
Nothing sends a stronger message than a layer of dust on your box of condoms.
Why are quarters ribbed? And for whose pleasure?
According to action movies it is mandatory that all construction sites have a car ramp.
What's missing in my life is an occasion where I have to shoot a shotgun into the air and say, "Get off my property you dirty sons of bitches!!"
With dvd players and video games installed in cars I wonder if kids can tell the difference between a road trip and sitting at home all day.
Staying home sick is only awesome until the time you normally get home. Then it's just another dumb old day.
If Barbie can have boobies doesn't Ken deserve to be packin some sausage?
I cringe anytime the TV show I'm watching tries to portray a character that raps.
Shouldn't the male mannequins at western clothing stores have big ol' beer bellies?
Yep and nope are the hillbilly cousins of yes and no.
I forgot to turn in the paperwork after attending traffic school for a ticket... and a bench warrant was issued for my arrest. You'll never take me alive coppers!!
I love shocking the hell out of my parents. After reading a news story, my dad asked me what I would say to my daughter if I found out she had let a boy sneak in her bedroom window. I replied, "never take less than $100 and house gets 50%."
I never know how to respond to a negative question. "You're not coming with us?" -- "Yep... er nope. Wait... can you repeat the question?"
Awkward is explaining to your daughter why the picture she drew of a magical waterfall should not be called 'The Golden Showers'.
I'm too impatient to wait for my defroster, so on cold mornings I drive half way to work looking through the bottom 5 inches of my windshield.
I just received a text from a friend, "I'm so nervous driving on these slick roads." Way to increase your safety by texting me, genius.
Whenever I see someone with a bar going through 2 different piercings in their ear, all I can picture is how many things can get caught on it and rip that somebitch out.
I don't eat the crust of my pizza, yet I order breadsticks which are pretty much the same thing - especially since they're getting drowned in ranch any way.
For those meetings with stubborn coworkers, I bet they'd see things my way more often if I wore an eye patch and had a cutlass hanging from my belt.
We go through 2 or 3 bags of quality candy in the weeks before Halloween then scramble at the last minute and buy crap candy to give to trick-or-treaters.
I know it probably makes good business sense to end your prices with 99 cents, but I'm so fucking tired of it.
Fuckin A... how come none of the other letters get to do any fuckin?
My girlfriend is always complaining. "Stop treating me like a sex object" or "I'm low on air, blow me back up!" What a nag.
Cookies smaller than my areola aren't cookies, they're cereal.
I can't remember the name of the first girl I had oral sex with... but it's on the tip of my tongue.
I actually don't know shit from shinola. What the hell is shinola?
Unless you went to a topless beach, I never want to see your vacation pics.
If you have a 2 year old that loves Cocoa Puffs, don't even consider getting a pet rabbit.
Don and I used to go camping together, but I got tired of waking up at the crack of Don.
Today was my annual crack-your-cranium-on-an-open-cabinet-door-while-putting-away-the-dishes day. Cheers.
I have a magical drawer in my kitchen full of things I can only find when I'm not looking for them.
"I love you" and "love ya" are almost opposites.
Be cautious around guys who would pick 'invisibility' as their super-power.
With almost 7 billion people on this planet, is it okay that I don't get upset by a disaster or two?
I wonder where the oddest place is that someone has accidentally dripped a blob of nacho cheese that they still scooped up and ate. Because I'd like to submit my entry of 'left ankle'.
Sometimes, the evenings I enjoy most with my family are the ones where everyone is in separate rooms with the doors shut.
No dad, I will not "pound it out" with you. And mom, you are never gonna get a "what-what" outta me.
It takes a real man to be brave enough to drink whatever he likes. At least that’s what I tell myself as I sip my Mango Tango.
The true definition of charity is having sex with an ugly person. Now accepting donations.
Men - marriage is like a casino. You go in excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke and talking to yourself.
For fathers, raising a daughter isn’t too complicated. Just take everything you’ve been trying to get girls to do your whole life and reverse it.
One of these days I'm going to start recognizing that rejection hotline number before I call it.
Alcoholism is such an ugly word. I prefer alcohobby.
There's something fundamentally wrong with an awards show where Jeff Probst takes home the same statue that Sir Ian McKellen was denied. Must've been his gripping delivery of the "First tribe to fill the bucket with coconut milk, wins immunity" line.
Congratulations internet advertisement that tricked me into clicking on your link. Guess what you've won - my eternal hatred and commitment to never buy your product. Good thinking.
Women who are trying to get pregnant and keep a calendar of their monthly cycle - giving it a cute title like 'flow' chart, and who hang it on their refrigerator... shouldn't be on the same planet as me.
It seems like more and more businesses are asking for a phone number at the cash register. It's the last remaining reason I keep my best friend's number memorized.
I really wish I’d stop saying goodbye to people in a foreign language.
Universities that put vinyl furniture in the dorms are essentially giving their blessing on the drunken chaos that will ensue.
There should be New York-style fortune cookies with little slips of paper inside that say things like, "Why don't you go fuck yourself!?"
"It's too hard to get out of bed" can have dual meanings.
It's pretty awful washing your face then drying it off on a towel that, you discover too late, has a crispy spot on it.
Nothing makes my monday brighter than hearing office gossip about someone cheating on someone with a coworker.
I probably shouldn't be amused when I watch my grandma try to open the child-safe cap on a bottle of arthritis pills.
The idiocy of humanity is well documented in YouTube comments.
My kids were laughing in the other room and then I heard one of them say, "Aw man, you made it suck back in." - I'm quite sure I don't want to know what they were talking about.
I'd lose weight but I'm really hoping 'chubby' makes a big comeback next year.
When I pull the big knife out of the block I make a 'shhhing' sound effect with my mouth.
When you knock something over in the medicine cabinet it's better to just let the domino effect happen than to try to catch the item and knock everything over with your hand.
I hate that my cheap rubber flip-flops always seem to outlast my fancy expensive ones.
"Do your homework before video games! I'm starting to sound like a broken record." My son had no idea what the second sentence meant.
Any time I see one of those 'under new management' signs I wonder if the schmuck that lost his job has to drive by it every day and be constantly reminded that his ass-canning is now their main selling point.
Did I just say, "those trousers look pretty sharp"!? Oh middle-age... you snuck up on me with that one.
Do we really have any other choice but to take it one day at a time?
I’m not sure which is worse on a woman: a bra that makes it look like she has a uniboob, or one that is so tight it creates quads.
I always get a chuckle out of seeing a biker riding his motorcycle with the wind blowing his shirt half-way up his back.
Now that I'm divorced and paying alimony and child support, I wish that I had listened to my own advice from 1st grade: girls are yucky, stay away from them.
I could never get my nipples pierced because then I'd have to throw out all my mesh muscle shirts.
I'm NOT telling you what I'm wearing right now, what I had for breakfast, whether I'm a cat or dog person, what's on my mouse pad, or when the last time I cried was. You knew I wouldn't answer when you listed me 'least likely to respond', you moron!
I can't tell if the person driving 15 mph in front of me is a short old lady or a giant Q-tip.
The longer I've lived alone, the more my dishwasher seems to be churning to the beat of the Macarena. And now as a result, I can rock that dance like nobody's business.
When someone tells me nothing offends them I take it as a personal challenge.
"Live: Ted Kennedy funeral" probably could have been worded better.
What do you mean rental bowling shoes aren’t sanitary!? Didn’t you see the guy behind the counter spray them for half a second with air freshener?
When I'm stuck in stop-and-go traffic I fantasize about teaming up with the drivers next to me and all of us just stopping on the freeway for like 5 minutes so that we could then drive a constant speed for a while.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies.
Dating in your 30s is a lot like picking through the last few candies in a box of chocolates. All that's left are the ones that look weird or have been tried and put back.
If my name was Marco, I'd avoid public swimming pools altogether.
Any kid that gets more allowance than I did is a spoiled-rotten, rich, little rat-bastard.
I keep an eye on anyone who says "soft as a baby's bottom".
If there were a hurricane with my name I'd want that sonofabitch to do some major fucking damage.
I've never understood the logic behind making suspension from school a form of punishment for kids. It should be a reward.
I was about to squash an ant that was strolling along the edge of a flower pot, when he said, "Mister, if you let me go I'll grant you one wish." So I wished his crumpled carcass wouldn't stick to my thumb. Guess what - my wish came true.
I'm guessing the real reason god rested on the seventh day was because he got shitfaced on the sixth night.
I hate hearing partial conversations from nearby tables in a restaurant. Yesterday I believe I overheard two attractive girls talking about flashing a boob at a nun from their Civic. Is it wrong to ask them to speak up?
Hearing a guy talk on the phone to his girlfriend and end the conversation with, "I love you too" is nauseating.
If the Wicked Witch of the West could be wiped out by a ewer of water, why would she allow one to be in her own guard tower, where anyone could wash her away?
Where I work people use the term "blow off" to mean cancel a meeting. Today I asked two colleagues to cancel their 1-on-1 in order to attend my 15-person meeting. So to start the meeting I thanked them in front of everyone for blowing each other off.
If you go swimming enough times with someone, sooner or later you're bound to catch them with a little snotter peeking out.
If I was a little more organized I'd spend a lot less time sniffing clothes before doing the laundry.
Sometimes I block the shower drain with a wash cloth and let my feet play splashy games.
It's pretty embarassing when the dvd you're watching at home with others makes fun of something that directly relates to you. I used to be so proud of my many leather-bound books and apartment that smells of rich mahogany.
As I was cleaning the long pole-shaped handle of my refrigerator with a vigorous up and down stroking motion, the water dispenser spurted out a little stream of water. So I brought him a towel to clean up.
I jabbed the straw into the lid of the soft drink cup without even looking, then realized I had completely missed the pre-made hole and had made my own. Ninjas don't use pre-made holes.
The giants were just minding their own business in their cloud castle, while Jack is guilty of breaking and entering, grand larceny, second degree murder, and assault with a deadly beanstalk.
That water ride at the amusement park just completely soaked us! Our hair looks ridiculous, her make-up is a mess, I think my cell phone is ruined, and we'll have damp clothes the rest of the day. Let's go on it again!
Children of porn stars are probably really hesitant about browsing the internet.
It cracks me up when idiotic special interest groups publicly speak out against an 'offensive' movie, video game, or album... which only increases it's popularity.
If you're an ass man it's really difficult to think outside the buns.
When listening to a presentation given by someone who has a nervous habit of saying "umm", "uhh" or "like", I keep count.
There should be nothing wrong with calling in sick on account of huge visible pimple.
It's pretty frustrating buying a girl drinks all night and going home empty handed. Fortunately I've mastered dealing with an empty hand.
It blows my mind whenever I step out into the blazing heat of summer and see a smoker light up. Hey, why not throw on a heavy wool sweater and gulp down a steaming hot cup of coffee to complete the trifecta of discomfort?
I bet morning breath led to the invention of the 69.
When I was 10, my brother and I got into a serious brawl. Being 2 years younger, he was really kicking my ass. My parents discovered our fight and my dad said, "Aw, they're just fisting it out. Let's see who wins." Thanks pop, love you too!
After vacuuming, I can always tell that the room is a little cockeyed if I don't get the table legs back into the exact same carpet craters.
I'm still waiting for the day when I magically transform into a grown-up.
Whenever I see someone's garbage full of empty beer boxes and wine bottles I always feel left out and wonder why I wasn't invited to the party. Then I realize it might have something to do with the fact that I go through other people's garbage.
I seriously hope nudists don't borrow each other's bikes.
Guys, if your shorts expose your knees they're way too short. Girls, if your shorts cover any thigh, they're way too long.
After successfully picking a chunk of food out of my teeth I always give that somebitch a second go.
Re-gifting is cheap. Re-giftbagging is cheap and trashy.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
You'd think it would be an inconvenience, but when it comes to deli sandwiches my favorite is the kind with so much meat that I can't even get my mouth around the end of it.
Complaining about the appetizer greatly increases the odds you'll have a saliva-flavored entrée.
One of the benefits of childhood that I really miss is being able to keep myself entertained through boring lectures by wiggling around a loose tooth with my tongue.
I hate when women ruin a romantic moment by pepper spraying my face.
Nipple piercings under a bikini top make it look like you've got growths.
Half way through a long flight I get this uncomfortable feeling that there's something highly unnatural about 400 people sitting in a big metal tube, flying 550 miles per hour, 35000 feet in the air eating lasagna out of cute little plastic trays.
I might agree with all 10 of someone's bumper stickers, but if we met in person I'm pretty sure they'd annoy the hell outta me.
Now any time I see a photo of a celebrity as the headline on my homepage newsfeed, I immediately assume they just died.
It seems like all breakfast cereals are made out of corn, wheat, rice or oats. What about the other sad little neglected grains? Where's my Honey Bunches of Flax?
You know you've had a great night of bar crawling when you end up at a friend's house at 3 am playing quarters with a penny and you find an uncooked poptart stuck to the bottom of your flipflop - with no idea how long it has been there.
The best things in life are free?? Bullshit. The best things in life are taxed heavily, require a huge tip, include an hourly rate, need a down payment, can lead to child-support, or are purchased while looking around cautiously.
I hate when people ask me a question and only give me two options for the answer. I'd love to make up a third 'actually' answer. "So do you live at these apartments or are you visiting someone?" - "Actually, neither. I'm here to rob someone. Shh!"
When I'm a tad inebriated and in the heat of a bar argument, sometimes I forget that I'm in a place where it's acceptable to swear. Instead, the daddy side of me takes over and I wind up calling someone who deserves much worse a stupidhead.
An attractive girl recently told me that all girls are flattered even when gross, creepy guys flirt with them. I'm sad about how happy that made me.
Last night, out of nowhere, an ant walked across the lens of my glasses and onto my nose. I panicked and swiped at it with my hand, sending my glasses flying across the room while poking myself in the eye with my finger. This war just got ugly.
I passed by a prostitute coming out of a hotel/casino in Lake Tahoe yesterday morning. She wore a sequin tank top, a tiny denim skirt, fishnet stockings with a big hole in one leg, and stripper heels. I was so offended I could barely stare.
Most animals have colorings that help them blend in with their surroundings. But what about the poor zebra? Where the hell are they supposed to blend in with their black and white stripes? A nineteenth century prison yard?
So many people wrote 'Rest In Peace' somewhere on-line this week. I don't get it. The person you wing-nuts are writing to is dead and probably isn't checking Facebook feeds or YouTube comments.
I can find a nice remote section of the parking lot, and it will be clear for a good 10 minutes. But as soon as I start to change clothes in my car some looky-loo will have a need to walk right by me. And I'll bang my knee on the wheel from hurrying.
My dad's bald on top, so I tell my friends at work that if I ever start coming into the office looking like a 14th century monk, with a hair doughnut surrounding a flesh skull cap... seriously, just shoot me.
I brought home groceries and was filling the fruit bowl. Watching closely my son commented "Dad that yellow apple jacks up the color balance of the whole fruit arrangement." So I immediately took him outside to show him how to tune up a car.
If I have to watch someone unwrap a gift and they do it slower than I would, it takes all my willpower to not reach over and tear that shit up.
I wish people were more like dogs and had a certain spot on the body that, when scratched, caused the leg to kick furiously.
I get such a boost to my self esteem by people watching at an amusement park.
I could never do a sex scene in a movie. The last thing my ego needs is a director, script supervisor, lighting guy and a dozen other kibitzers in the same room analyzing and correcting my moves.
Away with the lubrication. It's friction night!
I don't understand girls who get grossed out picking up a dead bug with a paper towel, yet have no problem handling chicken innards with their bare hands when they cook.
How are guys that chew tobacco able to find girlfriends that are willing to kiss them?
I'm not sure why, but I just logged into Myspace for the first time in ages. Now I regret doing it because my Last Login date makes it look like I regularly use the lame site. Though... who's gonna notice?
I don't care how many cereal bowls I buy, they will always be the first thing I run out of that makes me need to run the dishwasher.
Every couple needs their own personal court stenographer typing up every word of their arguments verbatim.
If you ever want to know if you have any tiny cuts on your hands, use alcohol-based hand sanitizer. You'll figure it out immediately and you might even make up a new curse word at the same time.
"Kiss my ass!" is not a put down if the person you're talking to would enjoy doing so.
I used to think the secret service men that guard the president looked super cool for wearing the little ear piece and microphone wire. Now they just look like every other jackhole wearing a bluetooth in public.
How the hell will anyone be able to karaoke today's auto-tuner/synthesized songs? A year from now I can just see some drunk guy in a bar, microphone in hand, failing miserably to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.
Mike Tyson just got married again. I kinda understand overlooking his bankruptcy after having $300 million, his facial tattoo, his 7 children from several women, and even his cocaine and rape convictions. But, the guy bit off another man's ear!
My mom puts her plastic spoons, knives and forks through the dishwasher and reuses them. I hope there isn't a white-trash gene or else I'm totally screwed.
Facebook is a 24 by 7 virtual version of an uncomfortable party where you've invited way too many different spheres of friends, family, coworkers, potential hook-ups and wackjobs you've met online - all intermingling.
I can't stand when I'm in a crowded room and one person is failing miserably to get everyone's attention to make an announcement... then some jackass decides to use their supersonic fingers-in-mouth whistle.
I wonder if I'm the only one who, when purchasing a laundry basket, has considered whether it will be any good for carpeted stair sledding.
I spotted some ants in my front yard today. They were carrying the carcass of a moth back to the ant hole. I explained to them that the moth was way too big to fit down the hole. They ignored me. So I stepped on them all. Ants are morons.
The Yellow Pages phone book - Some say 'obsoleted by technology', I say 'free 2-inch monitor stand'.
There's nothing like an unexpected rainstorm to remind you that it's never a good idea to leave your car window open a crack.
You know you're getting old when the latest fashions bring back memories.
Getting on your hands and knees and having someone rip out the hair from your butt crack with hot wax really ought to be a torture situation instead of a service willingly paid for by the victim.
If Eminem grew his hair out he'd look exactly like Bruno.
Whenever I pass a driving school car I show off a little by refusing to put my hands at 10 and 2.
Stranger about to pet my dog: "Does he bite?" - Me: "Dear god I hope so."
At graduation ceremonies, the last person called gets a completely unfair amount of applause.
It's probably best that I don't take baths any more. I'm sure I would still slide back and forth on my butt making waves.
I will never be so excited about my favorite team winning a championship that I'll need to go outside and flip a car over.
Drinking games have scarred me for life. I don't think I'll ever be able to say 'drink, drank or drunk' without hesitating to remember if there's a rule against it first.
Some d-bag was tailing me as I drove passed an elementary school, then when the road opened up to two lanes he raged passed me at warp factor asshat... only to get immediately pulled over by a waiting cop. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm really glad computer, TV, and stereo manufacturers starting making color-coded plugs with pictures on them for nimrods like me.
I would pay a lot more attention during weekly staff meetings if, unbeknownst to the boss, the rest of us played Thumb Master.
Fuzzy Wuzzy would be a great mascot for home waxing kits.
I was in a political debate with my mom and after making a long, profound point I finished with, "... that's just how I see it mom!" She replied, "Well you ate a lot of paint chips as a boy."
You know you're in a bad relationship when during sex you're thinking to yourself, "Dang I wish she'd hurry up and fake her orgasm so I can finish, clean up and the get the fuck outta here!"
I'm not sure which I hate more: wearing slacks or the word 'slacks'.
No, the world is not becoming a worse place. You're just becoming more observant.
After opening a brand new box of crayons there's a period of time where I want no one, not even myself, to use them and deflower their pristine tips.
When it comes to hard candy from Asia that my coworkers seem to keep bringing into the office to share, I've found the stranger the design on the wrapper, the more likely I am to wince, gag, and spit it into the nearest garbage can.
Mom: "It's impolite to wear your baseball hat at the dinner table." Me: "I haven't showered all weekend mom. Trust me, it'd be more impolite to force people to eat in the presence of what's underneath the hat."
I will never, ever remember how to convert a metric unit of measure to a real unit of measure. So if you want me to appreciate your accomplishment, speak American Mr. Pretentious Cycling-Boy.
If there's a kid with you in your profile picture and you're not a parent or a pedophile, then there's something wrong with you.
The company I work for got charged a $1.45 billion dollar fine this week. Maybe I'll wait til next week to ask for that raise.
Isn't it out of character for an emo to be playing Dance Dance Revolution at the arcade? Shouldn't they be off in a corner cutting themself or something?
I just read a story that lists the "Top 5 Ways to Make Your Boyfriend Smile". They range from 'touching his arm' to 'sending him a random text message'. What a load of crap. I'll give you the real list. #5: make him his favorite dinner. #4 thru #1: BJ.
All my life I've heard people joke about how you become your parents when you grow up. And the older I get the less funny that is.
Okay Mr. Store Clerk - I can't stand having to ask where something is. So if I break down and come to you for help please just point me in a direction. Or you can tell me that the foot fungus powder I'm craving is in the pharmacy department between the Nicorette Gum and the Preparation H. The last thing I need is a fucking escort to aisle 7!
My mom ordered a slice of dark chocolate cake after her mother's day dinner. Upon taking the first bite she got all dramatic and religious. "Oh Jesus that's good! MMMM! Oh that is just heavenly!" Doing his best mom impression, my brother took a bite and exclaimed loud enough for nearby tables to hear, "Oh my god! It's like an angel pooped in my mouth!!"
It seems like the people who shout the loudest against immorality are the ones caught doing the most immoral deeds.
Ladies: What NOT to do on a second date. Invite the guy in and show him that the flowers he got you on the first date are hanging upside down to preserve them forever.
If infants could understand the lyrics to Rock-a-bye Baby - about putting a baby in a cradle high in a tree, then the wind blowing, breaking the bough (main branch) and the baby and cradle crashing down - there's no way that kid gets any sleep.
Warning: This backscratcher scratches much more than Randy's back.
This morning I was at a garage sale when I saw a burly woman drive up with her son (12ish) in the passenger seat. She got out, and immediately started pawing through a pile of old clothes. Seconds later she held up a pair of boys white briefs then hollered to her son in a Slavic language. The boy snapped back - clearly not happy. Then mom screamed at him. So he got out and stood before her allowing mom to hold the underwear up to his pelvic region to size them. The whole scene reminded me why I typically stay the fuck away from garage sales.
How come animals don't have to wipe, but for us it's an absolute must?
Where I work, the only women who lean over or bend down are the ones wearing granny panties and/or pantyhose and whose ass could be mistaken for a beanbag chair.
The best things in life would be rated M for mature.
My 7 yr old daughter was organizing colored pencils when I pointed out to her that she had a regular pencil mixed in the tray. "I thought that was yellow" she said. "Nope, it's grey... see" as I drew a line on a piece of paper for her. "Then why don't they paint pencils grey on the outside?" I thought to myself... I have no flipping idea!
At work there's a new sign on the door as you leave the bathroom asking "Did you wash 'em?" Come on sign creator... you leave it open for me to interpret and I'll always assume the worst. So the answer is, "Not since this morning, when I gave 'em a good luffaing. But I appreciate your concern for my scrotal hygiene."
That does it! The next time I get an invisible thorn in my sock I throw away the pair immediately!
Case of Corona, bottle of Tequila, 6 limes, salt, 3 bags of tortilla chips, extra hot salsa, nacho cheese dip, jalapeno peppers, Tums, bulk pack of Quilted Northern, box of Tucks medicated pads - all set for Cinco De Mayo.
Hey female athletes, I'll let you in on a little secret. If you can't play your sport better than men can, no one really wants to watch you... unless you do it naked.
Have you ever noticed that Target employees wear red, while Wal-Mart associates sport a blue vest. I'd give anything to see these social derelicts get into a Blood/Crip type gang bang. Imagine... greeters shoving shopping carts at each other, bludgeonings with tin popcorn canisters, Barbie jeep drive-bys, and someone would undoubtedly pop a Nerf cap in that XXL ass.
Sometimes I sneeze so hard that I split my lower lip. Even though it really hurts, I'm still impressed by myself.
I found an ant wandering around my kitchen sink just now. Part of me wonders if it's the one I let survive several months ago who has come back to form a truce. But the paranoid side of me is convinced he's a spy. So I water-boarded his ass down the drain. I don't negotiate with known terrorists.
It's very romantic to make your way down your partner's torso with soft kisses and small flicks of the tongue, but be careful not to retrace your path or you'll suffer the dreaded saliva-on-skin smell.
Teachers that collect and grade notebooks are pure douchebags and have no grasp on real employment. You just give me the tests, and I'll learn how I like thank you very much Professor Asshat.
The older I get the more my elbows look like my ballsack.
I don't think it's right that a movie franchise with multiple sequels can just start all over again.
Humpty Dumpty broke into pieces. Jack fell down and broke his crown - meaning he was beheaded. The old woman who lived in a shoe abused her children. Ring around the rosey was about people dying of the Bubonic Plague. And the London Bridge was falling down because of attacking armies. Seriously, what kind of deranged lunatics wrote our nursery rhymes?!
If you start your sentence with "In this day and age..." I will disregard the rest of what you say.
What?! The media is overreacting about the swine flu the way they did about the bird flu, SARS, mad cow disease, Y2K, and killer South American bees? Say it isn't so!!
How did my Chapstick get dialed out all the way out and smooshed into the cap while it was in my pocket?? Goddamn Chapstick gnomes!
Closing time lights just came on. Better hope your hook up is wearing beer goggles.
I dust when I can write my name with my finger on the top of the dvd player.
"Denial Can Bring Maritial Bliss" is the news story of the day. I couldn't agree more. So if you're like me and appreciate truth, reality, honesty, integrity and allowing the one you love to see who you really are... then marriage isn't for you.
I don't think my goldfish appreciates his castle. Ungrateful little shit.
According to WhitePages.com, in the United States there are 27 Ada Beaver's, 105 Ben Dover's, and 125 Dick Chu's. God I love internet browsing during boring phone meetings.
I doubt I'll ever touch anything with a 10 foot pole. Reason: no pole.
Girls watch porn with the same amount of interest as guys watch couples figure skating. We might stop for a second when flipping stations, we sometimes watch it to appease our significant other, and we'd be devastated if our friends found out we viewed it live. But in either activity, only guys enjoy when the girl takes a nasty spill.
Giving up trying to impress the opposite sex can be the most liberating change in your life.
On the rocks, stiff, dry, dirty... We have dozens of ways to order a drink at a bar. There needs to be a way for unrefined slobs like me to order a bottle of wine at a restaurant and skip the whole cork-sniffing, sample-pouring process. "We'd like a bottle of your cheapest Merlot - vulgar."
Oh cool, I see flashing lights up ahead on the side of the road! Maybe it'll be a really gnarly accident! Aww, it's just construction. What a let down.
I have a hard time feeling sorry for a hunter who gets shot by another hunter in a hunting accident.
Every time I hear a 70's song by the Bee Gees (like 'Staying Alive'), I wonder to myself, were those guys castrated in childhood?
My friend Cora was sick of her neighbor using part of her lawn for his front yard automobile chop shop. So she turned on her sprinklers in protest. Some problems have very simple solutions.
People that grew up with Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network will never appreciate the excitement of Saturday morning cartoons.
To the hot girl that works at my favorite sandwich shop - we both know you have amazing breasts, so when you wear a tube top and no bra I am going to stare while you make my turkey and swiss on wheat. Yeah, I know it's creepy but you brought this on yourself.
Loading the dishwasher is tolerable. Unloading the dishwasher absolutely sucks!
I can't stand peas, but love pea soup. I absolutely hate zuccini, but love zuccini bread. And I won't even try clams, but love clam chowder. Am I the only one with retarded taste buds?
Scratching a mosquito bite on your ankle with the big toenail of your other foot is a risky move and shouldn't be attempted by amateurs.
The bigger the sunglasses, the bigger the bitchy, self-indulgent, princess-like attitude.
One of my favorite things about America: the low risk of someone yanking off their sandal and pelting me in the head with it.
At the age of 12, I thought my secret was safe. But looking back, I'm pretty sure my mom knew exactly why I started keeping a box of Kleenex in my bedroom.
Let's just admit to our superficiality: The cuter the animal the more likely we are to care about it's life. And if it tastes good with barbecue sauce all bets are off.
I miss the good old days - way back when guys didn't shave, trim, or wax anything below their neck.
Some couples have no problem remaining monogamous. Usually it's because they don't have any choice.
Now that I'm divorced I love planning trips that I know will get my married friends in trouble. "Hey Kendra, I'm inviting a bunch of the fellas with me to Tijuana to watch a girl fuck a donkey. You don't mind if Kevin comes, do you?"
Does it bother anyone else that there are no expiration dates on those little ketchup packets? So either the sauce never goes bad because it is so loaded with preservatives that it's like eating pure embalming fluid or it does go bad and we're relying on the minimim wage workers at fast food places to keep a safe rotation of ketchup packets moving through their stock. Are you bothered now?
'Porn star' and 'stripper' are legal professions. So if a high school student goes to their career guidance counselor showing interest in these fields wouldn't the counselor be required to have some advice and literature on how to succeed in these careers?
Hey guys, are we ready to admit that the no-show socks were a bad idea and that we look like ultra-fem meteros when we wear them? No? Just me? Alright I'll shut up and patiently wait for this fad to become the joke that it deserves to be.
One of my classier friends was at a party when he realized he had stepped in dog doo. So he walked through the house to the kitchen, took off his shoe, and proceeded to clean it off in the kitchen sink. What's the process for breaking up with a friend?
Whenever I stay at a hotel that offers a free buffet breakfast I'm amazed when they don't check to make sure I'm really a hotel guest. The sad part is that I know I'm making a mental note of that hotel location for the day when I'm unable to afford food.
"Coming out", "playing the field", "crapping out", "don't come", "I need a hard eight!" Craps is the ideal game for those of us who giggle at moronic puns.
The rescue of the US freight captain from Somali pirates was heroic and amazing. So many questions... how did the Navy seals get him out safely? Was he harmed while in captivity? And for god's sake, can someone get Phillip Seymour Hoffman signed to play him in the made for TV movie coming out by the end of the year.
Every year around this time I have a really hard time refraining from telling my kids "I think that was the Easter Bunny!" any time we drive passed roadkill.
"You're special" used to be a compliment. Now I'd be really upset if this was said to me. Or even worse, if someone turned to another person and spoke about me in the third person, "Oh he's special". Hey, I'm sitting right here in my little helmet!
"I love cats" is pretty much the opposite of "I love cat".
Because there is a golf ball washer at each tee box, I can't shoot a round of golf without making some stupid remark about needing to wash my balls. Juvenille and immature? Welcome to my world.
Going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium (a zoo-like facility dedicated to the appreciation and preservation of marine life) makes me crave sushi.
This weekend I drove by a strip mall that had a Flooring store right next to a Beauty Salon. Several of the tinted windows on the store fronts had big bright letters anouncing sales and services they provide. On the window that was directly between the two stores was the selling point, "CARPET REMOVAL". I laughed to myself as I realized I couldn't figure out which store that window belonged to.
Follow along at home: Put less cereal on the spoon, insert the the spoon into your mouth, close your lips around the cereal without sucking in, pull spoon out. Presto! No Slurping! Next week we'll learn how to throw away the milkshake before reaching the dreaded straw-slurping stage as we continue our educational series "How To Not Bug The Crap Out Of Your Roommate You Classless Moron - Food Edition".
"Research shows bed bugs rarely spread illness or disease". Great! Bring 'em on! Is it safe to keep leeches in my bathtub too?
When I was in my 20s I couldn't stand listening to people tell their annoyingly stupid stories about their kids. Now that I'm in my 30s I can't stand that people don't want to hear my hilariously cute stories about my kids.
Dish towels have a smell all their own. I have no idea why.
I wonder how many people are out there who polished off a bag of pistachios a few hours before reading the article "FDA warns against eating pistachios". I'll bet it's fun researching salmonella symptoms and over-analyzing every little digestion sound and imagined pain coming from your stomach.
Sometimes, in front of a large group of people, I forget how to walk normal.
At the amusement park yesterday my 7 year old daughter watched one of those song and dance shows performed by Bugs Bunny, Tweety, Daffy Duck and several other WB characters. Later she was telling her uncle about the show and couldn't name a single one of them. How long til these parks update their mascots to the cute, adorable characters my kids can relate to: Squidward, Brian, Meatwad, Moltar, and Mr. Hankey?
In a fist fight, I'd put my money on any other state kicking California's whiny ass... and I live here.
My buddies and I often play "Who Wins" while drinking. It's a ridiculous game where we take turns calling out two things (usually inanimate objects) and then stating who you'd bet on winning if they were in a fist fight. "Who wins: shampoo or conditioner?" Shampoo obviously. "Who wins: salt or pepper?" My money's on pepper. "Who wins: orange or purple?" Clearly, it's orange. By the end of the night it ends up with questions like "Who wins: A machine that restores your virginity or a toaster?" and the arguments get pretty heated at this point.
I was at a Six Flags amusement park today. One of the roller coasters broke down in the morning. Then in the afternoon they announced on the park speakers that the ride was open again. I was near the ride when this happened and I saw about a dozen people running to the ride. Who does this? "Oh boy I can't wait to be first on the ride to see if the repairs really fixed it or if it will crash and kill me! Outta my way suckas!"
Several times I got to ride-along with my dad when he was a cop. I was fascinated by the siren because there were three distinctly different sounds it could make. As much as my dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps it's probably best that I never became a cop because I'm pretty sure I'd spend more time concentrating on my siren mix than watching where I was driving at 100 mph.
Cheerios: no ... Lucky Charms: no way ... Golden Grahams: god no ... Cinnamon Life: yes ... Frosted Flakes: oh yes ... Cocoa Puffs: absolutely. I've recorded the results, sifted through the data, and studied the ingredients. But for the life of me, I still can't figure out why I love pouring the dust at the bottom of the bag into my bowl for some cereals, while others it completely nauseates me.
The first time attempting a back flip off of a diving board I landed wrong and did a bellyflop. It really hurt. How does anyone learn how to do a back flip on a motorcycle?!
I dont care what song I'm listening to or what setting my windshield wipers are on, the two will never quite be in sync.
If you're a regular at a strip joint you've officially given up on trying to have a normal healthy relationship with women, and probably have a lot of self esteem issues. But the real reason I'm talking to you is because you're in my seat and Alexis said she'd be over when she's done with her set.
After the round of drinks are served, if someone says, "Randy you should give a toast", I have decided that from now on my toast will be, "Here's to the ass-munch who just asked me to give a toast... clearly they hate public speaking as much as I do or they would have given their own damn toast, but at least I have the decency not to put someone on the spot. Cheers!"
After using a band-aid, the chance of getting all of the pieces of wrapper and peel-off paper into the trash can on the first try is 0%.
To all the guys who have stickers on their trucks promoting their make of automobile and trashing another: perhaps you'd feel a little less insecure if maybe you focused on finding something of your own doing to be proud of... and stopped obsessing about a product you have as much to do with as you do with your favorite brand of toilet paper. In other words - either get a life, or slap on your sticker that reads "Charmin: eating Cottonelle and shitting Quilted Northern".
I just jumped over lava, crawled through pipes, found hidden doors, and killed hundreds of horrible creatures to get to this final chamber. How the hell did this big fat boss get in here?
There's no respectable reason to smell your fingers.
Can we officially stop with the horror stories told by people who used to work at fast-food restaurants? I know there's a good chance I'm eating french fries that fell on the floor, or drinking a milkshake from a machine that was washed out with mop water, or eating a burger that has been tea-bagged. I'm just not shocked any more, okay? And if I really cared about what I was eating I wouldn't be at a fast food restaurant in the first place.
I bet the people of Tampa were pretty flattered when they found out a product had been named Tampax... initially any way.
If man was made in god's image then it looks like I'm a follower of Buddha.
The banana can be bruised black, not one spot of yellow left, shriveled up, oozing goo... and my mom will still yell, "don't throw that out, I can use it for banana bread".
I don't understand why everyone is so down on Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. These two great minds deserve much more respect than the mainstream media is even capable of. They are compassionate, honest, and among the elite thinkers of our time. Also, they're extremely charismatic both mentally and physically. I often fantasize about the two of them in elegant sexual scenarios... uh... wait. I'm sorry. I'll stop. I'm just in the pre-holiday spirit of April Fools Day.
When taking out the trash I don't mind squeezing rancid air out of old milk containers, pouring the bathroom wastebasket into the kitchen bag, compressing the contents down to make more room, nor carrying the whole unpleasant bundle outside. But ask me to put a new plastic bag in the empty garbage bin and you've pushed too far. Can't you see I'm exhausted and relaxing on the couch over here?!
I feel like such a loser when nothing needs to stay in Vegas.
Hey famous rock guitarist, I play guitar too. And guess what... none of your songs are so hard to play that it's necessary to spread your legs wide apart, lean back, and put on a 'hard' face. I hit every note you do and I'm sitting on the corner of my bed with my legs crossed and I'm sucking on a lollipop.
As a kid I vowed that when I became a parent I would never embarrass my kids the way my parents embarrassed me. But now when I am driving my 13 year old son and his girlfriend to the movies it takes every bit of strength in me to NOT break the awkward car silence with "So are you two lovebirds kissing yet?"
The anonymity of the internet really brings out the asshole in some people.
While driving passed a field of dairy cows my friend Rich said to his five year-old, "look at all the milk cows!" His son replied, "Horses can be milked too." "No they can't, they don't have an udder." "Yes they do, dad. But it's not 4, it's 1. And it's real long and purple."
God appears before you and offers to answer just one question about any topic in the world. What would your question be? #1 answer given by girls: "How do I find true happiness?" #1 answer given by guys: "Who is the hottest girl in the world that would do me?"
If you pronounce both R's in 'February' you are a moron. And don't get me started on 'Wednesday'.
A friend was showing me the pictures he took of his family while at Disneyland. One of the pictures was a blurry shot of them coming down the Splash Mountain log ride. I said, "That looks like one of those shots taken automatically that they sell to you when you get off the ride." He replied, "It is. I took a picture of the preview monitor so I didn't have to pay for it." Yup, time to upgrade my friends.
I'd love to see the makers of Froot Loops rewrite all of the rules for spelling in the English language.
Nothing makes me feel so old as having to scroll down to find my Year of Birth.
Never ever piss off your roommate. When performed correctly, toothbrush payback is undetectable to the naked eye.
When I think back upon my fondest childhood memories I often wonder how it is I'm still alive, and how my parents were never charged with child endangerment.
It's so awkward to yell and scream at someone, storm off, then a few minutes later realize you need to ask them for a favor.
"What's that mom? You're going to drop by unexpectedly in 5 minutes? Great! No really, it'll be good to see you! That tone in my voice? I don't know what you're talking about."
When I was a kid we used to play a name game where we switched the first letters of our two names. For example, Aaron Karo would become Karon Aaro. My name, Randy Fitz turned into Fandy Ritz. My friend Bill Greeno was Grill Beeno. It's a good thing my parents didn't name me Tucker.
Why boxers are better than briefs - Reason #216: If someone puts an icecube down your pants that sucker just slides through!
What the hell is this crumpled up piece of paper in one of the rarely-used pockets of my wallet? It kind of looks like a receipt, but most of the ink has faded off. What's this on the other side? Is that an important number I wrote down? I can't read it at all, the paper is too wrinkled and smudged. I better put it back in there in case I need it some day.
I took my kids to a chinese restaurant tonight. The placemats on the table had Chinese Zodiac fortunes on them. My 11 year old daughter was having fun reading everyone's fortune. For her younger sister she announced, "Audrey, you are a horse. You're a hard worker, independent, and enjoy adventure. You should avoid rats and marry a cock." I muttered under my breath, "Better be avoiding them both!" then I changed the conversation.
I estimate that I've spent a total of 28 hours of my life trying to get the shower curtain to close the last 2 inches.
Some of my friends work at a company that monitors emails. So any time they send a message with profanity they substitute a symbol for a letter. Just now one of them sent an email where he called someone a jack@ass. Way to trick'em genius.
Shouldn't ankle socks cost a lot less than knee-highs? Like a shin's-worth?
I've come to the conclusion that even if I had the precise touch of a surgeon, or the advanced knowledge of physicist... some inner cereal bags cannot be opened without ripping half way down the bag - and now my week is ruined by retarded cereal pouring.
How did I sleep last night? Actually I'm not real sure. I wasn't paying close attention. You see, I was asleep at the time.
Why do actors and ninjas get all of the glory? If life were fair, I'm pretty sure I'd have an academy award for looking busy at work and a black belt in spider killing.
Hey Chrissy, Christy, Kristie, Kirsty, Kristin, Kirsten, Keersten, Cristyn, Crysti, Krista, and Chris... guess what. Your goddamn name is Christine!
My coworkers and I were just quizzing each other on world geography. Larry said, "Did you guys know there's actually a country called the Isle of Man?" Sue said "Eww... I wouldn't want to go there!!" I suggested "Perhaps you'd be more comfortable on the Isle of Lesbos."
When taking a picture of a group of people, if you are the person who tells everyone to "squeeze together" and then there is 5 feet of empty space on both sides of the final shot you deserve jail time.
In this decade Clint Eastwood has produced 12 movies, directed 8, starred in 4, and was the musical composer of 5. He's been nominated for dozens of awards, many of which he won. He's currently working on 2 more projects that are coming soon. The man is 79 years old. -- I can't find the motivation to iron a shirt.
People who make the claim "nothing offends me", clearly haven't met my brother Lewie.
When I’m on a date and the girl asks what my dealbreakers are, I can’t help but to think she’s working on an exit strategy.
What came first, Teen Spirit deodorant or Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana? Either way, I'm angry about the whole situation.
Was it a big surprise to the geniuses who designed stadium parking lots that thousands of cars would want to leave at once? Thanks a ton for the TWO exits you provided!
Hey dork that sits near me at work: Either cuss or don't. Using faux-profanity like "fricken", "son of a biscuit" or "gol darnit" makes me want to stab you.
When you're in a small shuttle plane, coming in for a landing in windy conditions, the last thing you want to see is the pilot and co-pilot getting into an argument and looking into a big white binder for the answer.
Fatherhood readiness test. Learn the meaning of and be able to say these three sentences without vomiting: 1) "Good news honey, the mucous plug just came out!" 2) "There was some tearing of the vaginal wall so they had to do an episotomy." 3) "Oh good, the meconium in the diaper is a healthy black color."
People are capable of unconditional love when it comes to their kids or their pets, but when it comes to a girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse it's condition upon condition upon condition.
Chuz: \chûz\ noun 1.The yellow film left on your fingers after eating Cheetos or Cheese Puffs. As in "I can't seem to wash this chuz off."
Is there an "I Like Katy Perry Songs" support group I can join?
There's nothing worse than getting a very visable injury while doing something incredibly stupid, then having to explain how you did it over and over again for several weeks. "The cast? Well, I was doing a headstand on my buddy's ping-pong table. You see I had to spread my legs apart and they used my crotch as the net... when suddenly the table collapsed. That's how I broke my wrist."
Pimples know my dating calendar better than I do.
Some of my favorite moments in life are when I see something that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out. Several years ago I was driving down a busy street and I saw an East Indian man wearing a sports coat, jogging shorts, and dress shoes running full-speed down the sidewalk carrying an ice cream cone in one hand and a bucket of paint in the other. A big part of me is dying to know what his story is... but another part of me is happy that I'll never know.
One Sunday, while watching football, I was holding my 6 month-old son and eating tortilla chips with with homemade guacamole. Some of the dip must've dripped onto my other arm so I scooped it up with my finger and ate it. Only, it wasn't guacamole.
Ahh parenting. Where else will you find yourself shouting, "stop swinging that coat hanger around with your mouth!"
If man was made in god's image, did god have useless nipples like mine?
I have a couple of friends who have recently given up a vice for lent. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if it's a vice wouldn't god want you to give it up for good... and not just for 40 days?
So I'm pretty tired of this recent epidemic of people starting their sentences with 'so'.
Every once in a while (and usually in a bar) I come across the fortunate situation where some asshole is willing to bet any amount on something I KNOW is wrong. I'm not quite sure of right protocol for how much is acceptable to take from him. Would it be wrong to relieve him of his car, for example, just because Julia Louis-Dreyfus did not star in Pretty Woman?
The first time my girlfriend met my grandma, she nonchalantly used the term "half-assed" when describing the effort she had put into sewing a dress. Later I told her that I was surprised she used profanity in front of my dear sweet grandma. She was confused so I recalled her statement, to which she exclaimed, "Half-ASSED?! I thought the term was half-FAST!!"
I am a white, 38 year old man, and I have no idea when to fist it out, give knuckles, half-hug, high-five or shake hands with other men any more. There I admitted it. From now on I wave.
About an hour ago I bug-sprayed a trail of ants on my patio. Just now I went back to check and see if they were all gone. There was one single living ant walking through what must look like a battlefield of ant corpses. I let him live so he could bring news of the carnage and horror of 'Randy's patio' back to his people.
When electronically signing my name on that little 4 inch screen at the cash register I've decided an R with a squiggly line is the most they're gonna get out of me.
My mom stayed at my place this passed weekend. On Sunday she made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which she brought to me in the living room served on a paper plate with potato chips and apple slices. I asked her if we had any juice boxes in the fridge. After I finished my lunch I had the craziest urge to sit on the floor in front of the TV and play Super Mario Bros on my NES all day long.
Is it my imagination or are there twice as many mondays as there are fridays?
I play several online games in which the mouse controls my vision (Warcraft, Counterstrike, etc). Now, when I drive my car and I need to turn left onto a busy street I use my wrist to look both ways.
My name is Randy, which means 'horny' in the UK. My last name is Fitz, which is a homonym for fits, which means 'tantrums'. Thanks a whole hell of a lot mom and dad! And my therapist REALLY thanks you! Love always, Horny Tantrums.
When I'm sitting at the computer watching a video clip or waiting for a file to download, I like to do a little exercise to keep in shape. I touch the base of my palm to the underside of my chin - extend two fingers and my tongue and move them in tiny circles - all the while nodding my head up and down. You never know when it might be helpful to have these muscle groups well toned.
Immediately upon climbing into the booth at Denny’s, my 3 year old son, Casey, grabbed the salt shaker and with no hesitation licked the entire top of it. So now, the Fitz household has a standing rule: no licking salt shakers.
If you ask me a trivia question, and I rack my brain for a long time trying to figure it out, then I give up and ask you for the answer... if you tell me you that don’t know the answer either, I will immediately punch you in the face.
Another conversation from college. Randy: “...maybe he was mute.” Denise (confused look): “Mute? What’s mute?” Randy (amused): “You’ve never heard the word ‘mute’ before?” Denise: “Don’t you mean ‘moot’?” Randy: “No, I mean ‘mute’, like the button on the remote control.” Denise: “Isn’t that an acronym, like VCR?” Today Denise is an elementary school teacher.
My bamboo backscratcher is the only one who truly understands me.
To all door-to-door salesmen, pizza delivery drivers, and drop-in relatives: Sundays are black socks and boxers day at my house. You’ve been warned.
A conversation from college. Randy: “Denise, what’s the largest US state?” Denise: “New York?” Randy: “No I mean in size.” Denise: “Florida? No wait... Texas?” Randy: “Good guess. But actually it’s Alaska.” Denise (with puzzled look): “Alaska’s not a state.” Randy (amused): “So is Alaska a county, country or continent?” Denise: “It’s either a country or continent; I get those two things confused.” Today Denise is an elementary school teacher.
On the way to a date I ran into Target to buy some condoms and a bottle of wine. I’m not a modest person, but was suddenly hit with a wave of self-consciousness as I set the wine and condoms on the conveyor belt behind a mother and her two teen-aged daughters. The girls giggled then the mother glanced down at my purchases and looked directly at me. I didn’t know what kind of expression to hold on my face. Should I look away nervously? Should I smile confidently? Should I inquire, “So what are you fine ladies doing this evening?”
The world is a much, much sadder place for me... ever since Mythbusters showed that there's no such thing as quicksand.
My last girlfriend said I have a god-complex. I told her she was being over-sensitive. Then I smote her.
A headline in the news today reads, "First beaver seen in Detroit river in 75 years". Makes sense. It's way too cold in Michigan to skinny-dip.
We teach kids that jealousy is bad, to share their toys, and that the “MINE” response is never acceptable. We do this in all areas of their lives. Then when they reach dating age, our culture takes a 180 degree turn and reverses those good teachings. Instead we teach that when it comes to your boyfriend or girlfriend its okay to be jealous, it’s okay to not share, and that the “MINE” response is good. Then we act surprised by the high levels of infidelity and failed marriages. Humans are not monogamous, and some day we'll figure that out.
One day I was feeling a bit feisty, and as my wife walked by I grabbed her by the waist, pulled her onto the couch and demanded "give me some sugar", then proceeded to kiss her passionately. After a few minutes we both looked up and realized our 5 yr old was standing in the doorway watching. A month later, my wife and I were snapping at each other one morning and it was intensely quiet in the bathroom as we were getting ready for the day. That's when we heard the small voice from behind us, "Dad I think mom should give you some more sugar."
When picking out the color of a new carpet most people consider things like, "what kind of mood will it create for the room" and "what color best matches the furniture". I think the best thing to consider is "what color stains am I most likely to make in here?"
I had been on my new job for about a month when the director of my department stopped by my desk, somewhat in a panic, and asked me to email her a certain file that she couldn't find. She needed it for the meeting she was about to run. So I created the email, attached the file, and typed in the subject "Here you go" in seconds flat! It was after I hit 'send' that I realized I had made a typo... and in typing the word 'go' I accidentally hit the 'h' key instead of the 'g' (correct finger, incorrect hand). Good times.
Raising both a son and daughters I've found that girls get bored when there's nothing to do, while boys make up games like "Rolled-up-sock-trashcan-basketball", "How-long-can-I-extend-the-tape-measure-before-it-bends", and "Who-can-blow-the-biggest-saliva-bubble".
I wonder if anyone has spent more time than me attempting to fish out the one small triangular bit of egg shell in the mixing bowl of pre-scrambled eggs. And, exactly what force of nature is it that makes the shell move ahead of the fork? If I didn't know better I'd say it was the shell practicing 'fight or flight'.
"Chick-flicks" are sappy, romantic stories with actors like George Clooney or Richard Gere who are thoughtful, giving, and want nothing more than to live out their days proving and caring for their 'soulmate'. Women absolutely love these kinds of movies. But in truth, chick-flicks are fairy tales and give women unrealistic expectations of how men ought to behave. But I guess the same argument could be made for how porn affects men's expectations of women.
Nothing has made me consider using 'Hair Coloring For Men' more than spotting my first grey pube.
Humans are about as monogamous as vultures are vegetarians.
In America it's still illegal for women to go topless on beaches. But every woman I know thinks this is unfair and should be overturned. Every man I know feels the same (perhaps for slightly less honorable reasons). So who the hell is keeping this law in place? And why can't they move to North Dakota?
When I tell my kids to go clean their rooms, I've found that the amount of time they spend cleaning is inversely proportional to the amount of stuff shoved under the bed.
The warning track in baseball; the little blue margin line on binder paper; a sun or tribal tattoo around the belly-button.
Three warning devices telling you it's not wise to go much further.
When it comes to sex, women and men's behavior is not that much more complicated than the behavior of our sex cells. The egg cell is very selective, allows only one sperm cell to penetrate it and then shuts itself off to all others. Sperm swim around blindly trying to penetrate the first thing they come into contact with.
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