Ruminations
Enough with the "subtle hints", I get it, you like blow jobs.
3 
My childhood dream was shattered when I was 8 years old. I had grown past the height and weight limit of a Jockey. Damn you milk for doing a body good.
Every time I get my car anywhere close to 88mph, I cringe and wait for my car to evaporate and take me to another time. Then I am sorely disappointed when I realize it is just my piece of shit car shaking and I am still in 2010.
When you say "ok, be honest," I automatically start flipping through my rolodex o' lies.
Nothing quite compares to the heart-sinking-cold-sweat-feeling when your child accidentally discovers your "toy drawer." No honey, it is just a flashlight...
There was a yellow flier on my windshield after a trip to the grocery store. I grabbed it and yelled "I'm going to Hollywood!" Thanks American Idol for allowing me to embarrass the shit out of my kids.
Just one time in my life, I wish it was socially acceptable to scream "but, I don't wanna to do the fucking paper work!" Then kick my bosses desk and run away. Oh to be a three year old again...
Terrifying phrases have evolved as I have grown older. "I thought you were on the pill" has given way to "Ms. Rains, this is Nancy from the school..."
Anytime I see a red SOLO cup, I immediately assume it is filled with beer. Hundreds of red cups at a 3 year old's birthday party? Must be a keg.
When you show up to my house at 7 am in the same clothes you had on the night before, there is no need to start our conversation with "You are never gonna believe this." Yeah, I will.
I forgot to get my husband something for Valentine's day. Good thing I always keep an extra blow job lying around.
Charlie Brown has the worst mom ever. She could have sent him one Valentine in his lonely life. Bitch.
My one year old son's first two words to put together: big balls. His dad is fired.
Your knee socks and badge sash don't fool me, Girl Scout. You are an aspiring crack dealer getting street cred dealing in thin mints.
If I know it is going to be a long day, I wear a slutty shirt. Days are always better with cleavage.
The worst feeling in the world is when you know, without a doubt, you are going to puke.
When I say "Oh, I didn't recognize you!" What I really mean is "Wow, you got fat!"
One of the best days of my life is when I found an unopened roll of thin mint Girl Scout cookies hidden in the back of my freezer.
There is nothing worse than discovering a KY bottle on your Mother-in-Law's night stand.
When I found out I was having a girl, I cried. Not out of joy, but grief over keeping her off Girls Gone Wild.
For years I have called my sister Jennifer by a nickname. I never considered its inappropriateness until my 7 year old answered the phone and said "mom, it's Vaginafer."
Thousands are without power, numerous pileups on the interstate, and the worst weather in 10 years. You could at least try to hide your boner, giddy Weatherman.
I get excited when I see school is cancelled due to weather. It has no bearing on my going to work, but at least some lucky bastards can enjoy the day.
I am sorry uptight medical professional, you asked what I was allergic to. Laundry and blow jobs are perfectly acceptable.
I know I am lonely when I call my bookie just to chat.
Hey George, just get some of your friends to donate the cash they wipe their ass with and let me pay for day care for my three kids.
I hate when my 7 year old corrects me when discussing history. Don't judge me you little freak.
I am sorry the tooth fairy forgot to visit last night, she was too busy banging your dad.
Don't pretend you are not enjoying the hell out of all the waiters and people in the restaurant singing Happy Birthday to you. You are not fooling me, ego fiend.
There is nothing funnier than jumping out and scaring the shit out of someone.
You may think it is cute to show me pictures of your child with a bucket stuck on his head, I am just happy there will be someone to scoop some fries for me in 15 years.
I am so lazy that I trade sexual favors with my husband if he will do chores. Blow job? No problem, Dishes? Hell no!
To the Silver Fox driving the Buick Park Avenue- thanks for the air kiss and wink, but I am so out of your league.
If you are a 28 year old man and have a Hello Kitty night light in your bedroom, I am judging you.
I am sure if there was bacon perfume, I would wear it everyday.
I never know what to say when a co-worker shows my a picture of their boyfriend. "Looks like a total douche" is not the correct response.
You know the guy who always runs up the stairs 2 at a time? I just watched him trip and bloody his nose. Serves you right jackass.
Ok boys, stop watching my every bite. It's a freaking banana and I am not going to deap throat it. Perverts.
You can upgrade any word by tacking "hole" on the end of it. Whore? Nope, whorehole.
I know it is going to be a good day when I pass a lady walking down the road with a pig on a leash.
I never have to pee until someone asks me if I need to.
My kids spotted a highway patrolman stopped on the side of the road. My son yells at his sister "It's the cops! Be cool, be cool." I expected him to throw his sippee cup out the window too.
I hate when I forget that the nickname I have for someone is secret. "Hey Larry Big Balls....shit...er...I mean just Larry."
Next time you sit by me in a meeting and crunch ice the whole time, don't. Buy a pack of Wrigley's and shut the fuck up.
The clerk at the pharmacy looked at me funny when I put a pregnancy test and a box of tampons on the counter. Look dude, it's one or the other.
Why is my first reaction to being embarrassed pissed off? Fuck you stupid completely clear glass door I thought was open!
I accidentally got my kids candy cigarettes and found them outside on the steps taking a "smoke break" from tether ball. Parent of the Year.
I don't know anyone who does not like sitting in a bean bag chair. Thank you vinyl bag of beans for forming so comfortably to my ass.
If you own 14 dogs but cannot feed your family, I have no use for you.
My 6 year old just asked me how to spell "ATTIC" is it wrong that this is my proudest moment as a parent?
Hey mid-twenties guy dancing on the Disney channel, did you really picture yourself dressed up like a flower and singing about mice when making your career decision? Just wondering.
My husband is obsessed with the True Crime channel. Every time I enter the room, the show is about a husband killing his wife. Should I be concerned that he always says "that's where the dumbass went wrong"?
It is never cool to show up in the same shirt as your mother to a family function. Nothing says success like twinkies!
If you are a 54 year old white guy "it's the bomb diggity" should not be in your repertoire.
Hey Dora, your basket of blueberries is right fucking behind you. Quit asking me where the hell it is.
I can do without you sighing down my neck old creepy dude in the grocery store. It is stressful enough picking out triscuits. Step off and go around.
I always feel that I have to explain myself when I go out to lunch alone. No really, 18 year old hostess, I have friends. I just want some alone time to read this kickass autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt.
I hate when I covertly adjust my thong and then make eye contact with the person who just watched me do it. Do I acknowledge and explain or just give a head nod?
I always feel like a dirty whore after a manicure and pedicure. After touching my feet intimately and holding my hand for an hour, I should at least know your name.
Thank you gray sweatpants for letting everyone know just how much I do not want to be at work today.
"Come on voicemail, come on voicemail, YES! Is what I chant when returning phone messages as work.
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