I have never been referred to as pal by someone who is actually my friend.

The smartest man in the world would find a girl born on Feb 14, get engaged on Feb 14, and finally get married on Feb 14. That way he can only fail on one day per year to meet his wife's insane gift expectations. Why don't I know what you like from Victoria's Secret--maybe because I make it a general rule not to wear lingerie. How about we head to the hospital and I will have them remove my kidney and you can keep it as a back-up--will that make you happy?

The relay team from France tried to "trash-talk" the Americans by saying they would "smash" the American team with Michael Phelps. Now, I may not be an expert on trash-talking, but I have a feeling it is less effective when you are wearing a one-piece man's bathing suit that looks like it came out of a silent movie from the 1920s.

It is 2008 and whenever I hear people say: "I am so hungry, I did not have time to eat today"--I make some serious judgments about their problem-solving skills. This may have been acceptable in the Ice Age where you had to take down a Woolly Mammoth with a rock and a stick, but it really is not acceptable to use this complaint for the past 500 years. Buy a box of Zone bars, keep them in your desk/purse/car and try let the rest of us think you were able to effectively tackle this problem of human survival.

Warning: thinking about this may blow your mind or alter the world like when Micheal J. Fox could not see the future version of himself at the Under the Sea Dance from Back to the Future I or he would cease to exist. Do you think Vince from Entourage can get more attractive girls in the show or Adrian Grier can get more attractive girls in real life by playing Vince in the show? Also, what if Vince and Adrian Grier had a "girl-off" duel in a parallel universe--who would win? Sorry for blowing your mind.

Eating at a diner with a group of friends after going out to the "late night," place is complete abandonment of all social norms. Here is a trivia question for serious late night eaters. Q: What do you do when one of your glitter-faced fellow diners spontaneously falls asleep at the table while pontificating on the meaning of life. A: You simply just reach over and help yourself to their flounder francaise and wash it down with their black and white milkshake. I mean what could go better with your vegetable lasagna.

Why does it seem that there is a stong correlation between your friends that are "saving the world" and the likelihood that their parents are paying their credit card bill?

Ever notice how guys over 6 feet tall never bicker with each other over exactly how tall they are? You never hear one say "not-ah" I am 6'2 1/2". Sadly, this is not the same for guys under 6 feet tall. Being 5'9", my 5'8 friend who is clearly shorter insists he is 5'9 and I am 5'10 since we wear shoes most of the time. Unfortunately, this debate usually ends at Wawa after all the tall guys have gone home with attractive girls. Those guys have it all--they don't even have to have sex with their shoes on to keep up appearances.

I have advice for girls that is guaranteed to make them appear more attractive when dancing in a pack of other girls. Leave your MOM-SIZED PURSE at home no matter how trendy big bags are right now (guys tend not to notice trends that are unrelated to less overall outfit coverage). I have never seen a guy watching a group of girls dancing wondering--"See that hot one with the Mom purse--I am going to go up and ask her if she has a band-aid or a Juicy-Juice. Do we need late night food? No--I have a small plastic container of Cheerios in here.

I have a lot of married friends who have wives that demand their husband's presence as much as possible. When the husband fulfills this request the wife seems just as unhappy as when he is not there--which leads me to ask a simple question."Why would you ask to spend so much time with someone you hate?" We can be out playing golf and the wife calls with a crisis. That crisis is the husband is not home. It must go something like--"You come home right now so I can hate you to your face--I can not possibly enjoy hating you if I can't see you."

Women claim they are honest, but I challenge this myth with the following: If a sense of humor was really the most important trait to a woman, Jimmy Kimmel would be dating Bar Raefeli and Leo would sitting home watching Seinfeld re-runs. John Stamos would be getting Jim Gaffigan "leftovers" and Christian Finnegan would not have felt the need to lose all that weight. Joel McHale would be the sexiest man alive and Clooney would just be a strange adult man who lives with a pig and loves pick-up basketball.