Ruminations
I think having a twin would give people some self-esteem security. Even if they turn out to be one ugly fucker, at least there's one other person out there who doesn't look better than them.
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People who don't use contractions when they type bother me.
Spoiler Alerts rarely make me stop reading. In fact, they accomplish quite the opposite.
Ever heard "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"? Does that mean a person with asthma is gonna have a kick ass life?
When I was younger, the fly swatter was used for a multitude of things. Some of these include: backscratcher, punishment tool, and extension to retrieve things from underneath the stove, but never an actual fly swatter.
If you're awake when the time changes, do you really lose an hour of sleep?
I've always wondered how much henchmen in movies get paid, and how they collect their checks. I never see them pay for anything. Health insurance seems to be lacking, though.
I hate it when people raise hell at a business because the vending machine took their money. Like the machine was actually plotting against them. Jesus Christ, lady, take my dollar. Obviously, you need it more than I.
I hate when you're talking to someone you're interested in, and the conversation dies. Then, it turns into an interview where you just ask them questions and they respond. "So...what color do you think the wind is?"
Sometimes I wonder why Gardetto's even bothers making anything else besides the little brown crispy thing.
I hate receiving a text message that only reads, "k". I like to reply with, "...iss my ass" to demonstrate this.
I like to see the positive to every situation. "Damn, I can't believe I just accidentally emptied my hole puncher into the floor. Oh well. I do love confetti!"
Why do people need birth certificates? Isn't me being here all the proof you need?
Women make the best spies, but only in groups. Trust me.
Ex girlfriends are a lot like cell phones. While in transition from one service provider to the next, if it's been deemed that you should not be discussing options with a new one, your conversation will be abruptly ended by outside interference.
Have you ever thought about walking as a competition between your feet?
If you take a picture of yourself from your smoke alarm's viewpoint above your door, you are officially a douchebag.
Nothing pisses me off more than when my favorite social networking site has been blocked at work.
I secretly suck in my stomach and flex my abs when I walk. What others don't know won't hurt them.
I bet cops really play solitaire on those built-in car computers. You can't trick me.
I wonder what kind of sales the Dollar Store has on Black Friday.
"If you want my two cents..." No, I don't. If that's all my dilemma is worth, keep your opinion to yourself. I'll consult a fortune cookie instead. At least the cookie is worth more than two fucking pennies.
I think the release of a Christmas Special album where the artist remakes all the old Christmas songs signifies the death of one's career.
Does anybody else throw that one leg out from underneath the cover at night when they get hot?
Why does no one decorate for Thanksgiving? We have ghosts and scary shit everywhere for a month, then after that, Christmas lights...in the middle of November. I'm gonna hang lights from my turkey before I kill it on Thanksgiving. Who's with me?!
"Preheat oven to 450 degrees and cook pizza for 14-16 minutes" means "Put frozen pizza straight into oven without preheating and cook for 17-19 minutes."
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