Ruminations
The office asshole just got reamed out in front of everyone, leaving him on the verge of tears. I know it's not work appropriate but I just want to run into my boss's office and give him the highest of fives.
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I hate when I'm asked a question that's so obvious, I sound like the idiot when I answer it. What's sand art? Umm, it's when you make art with sand. You know, there's sand, like, in the art. What else, asshole? Want to know what a children's book is?
Wheel of Fortune's time slot is really perfect. After Jeopardy, everyone needs a little intelligence ego-boost. If Wheel of Fortune doesn't give you that boost, then I'm sorry but you're a f_ck_ng m_r_n.
A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.
I noticed a lot of people looking at me today and laughing, so I kept checking my fly to see if it was open. That's all it could possibly be because these cut-off jean shorts are awesome.
A guy went to get a cyst removed and x-rays revealed a bullet lodged in his head. Turns out he'd been shot 5 years earlier and never noticed because he was "very drunk." Conclusion: Alcohol gives you super powers. Booze - 1, Sobriety - 0.
I never understood why people say booze is just empty calories. Sure, there's no real nutritional value, but those calories are far from empty, they're full of fun and awesomeness.
If you're not planning on getting freaky, just decline my offer to come upstairs. The closer we get to my bed, the bluer my balls get.
I'm going on a blind date tonight. I know they're kind of old fashioned, like milk trucks, oil burning street lamps, or hotmail accounts but sometimes you gotta go retro when you need some ass.
I've been limping around with a sprained ankle for a week. After a night of heavy boozing (it was Wednesday after all), I woke up this morning and it felt good as new! Conclusion: Alcohol cures fucked up ankles. I need to 'test' this theory further.
I know, you hate the new gmail format. I also know that in three weeks, when they switch back to the old format, you'll be bitching again about how much you hate the new gmail format.
I bought a t-shirt that says, "My life is a very complicated drinking game." I think it's pretty funny but I realize that it's not true. It's not complicated at all, there's just one rule: Drink.
Don't wave profusely, don't jump up and down like a lunatic, don't call your friends and ask if you're on TV. As a matter of fact, if you find yourself walking past a live news report, don't do anything. Just move along, ass.
My alarm clock broke this morning. Given the fact that I'm a lazy ass, the only question now is what comes first: a new alarm clock or an old job?
Once people believe you sleepwalk you can get away with some amazing shit.
I just read that Chinese authorities have trained an 'army' of silver foxes to protect huge fur farms from intruders. I'm not sure I get what's going on but I know there's a sex joke in here somewhere.
Most of my friends address me by my nickname, but I don't introduce myself that way. Saying, "I'm Professor Awesome, nice to meet you," would probably come off as arrogant.
New Zealand's soccer team is called the 'All Whites,' and its rugby team is called the 'All Blacks.' Now I'm as tolerant as they come but it's good to know there's a place I can move if I don't want to worry about being politically correct anymore.
Al Gore is in the process of getting a divorce. Looks like someone else is gonna be warming Tipper's globes.
If you want me to take our conversation about the financial status of certain educational institutions seriously, it's best not to call the school "well endowed."
I skipped my friend's "I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks" party earlier this week. I don't need a bullshit reason to booze on a Monday. Sorry, I'm a purist.
A friend of mine told me she just got out of a meeting with an Asian guy who looks exactly like me. I've always wanted to find some sort of doppelganger, but I'm a little disappointed that Asian me is an accountant and not a ninja.
I just got off a conference call with someone named Dickie Butkiewitz. I don't know the guy but he sounds like a cocky asshole.
Scientists recently discovered a monster star using a telescope with the official name, 'Very Large Telescope.' I can only imagine the creative name they'll come up with for their discovery. I hope 'Really Really Big Star' isn't taken.
I just read an interview with a Saudi fire eater who said his biggest fear is that police will come and disrupt his show. Call me crazy, but I would think that the biggest fear of a fire eater would be related to the fact that he fucking eats fire.
I recently went to a house party where they had a Halo tournament. The host ended up winning, he got a free six pack and another luxurious night alone in his twin bed.
I see 'NSFW' as more of a challenge than a warning.
I went to get my watch fixed and the repair guy was wearing a fucking white doctor's coat. On top of that he was a smug asshole. I never knew watch repair required degree in medicine with a minor in being a dick.
I enjoy taking credit for the smart things stupid people say. Sorry guys, survival of the fittest.
The overnight doorman at my apartment building knows way more about my social life than my parents.
This morning a woman was running around my block screaming excitedly, "2 legs, 2 wheels, I'm Rain Man!" Insanity must be exhilarating.
Some people will wait hours for a specific barber. That's fine, unless you're shaving your head. An orangutan with clippers can do that and it will look exactly the same. Save yourself the time and give the lonely guy with 8 fingers a shot.
If you're hot, that's a beauty mark. If you're not, that's a mole.
It doesn't matter what the situation is, I could even be in a formal work meeting, but if I hear the words, "she has big" I automatically assume the next word is "boobs."
I go to my local bar very often and I call myself a regular. A dude I know goes to the same bar just as often. He calls himself a valued patron. This illustrates the only real difference between us: I'm an alcoholic and he's an arrogant prick.
On my way out of the subway today, I saw a bomb-sniffing dog passed out. Sorry, I like my bomb-sniffing dogs like I like my women, awake and at least somewhat alert.
A friend of mine works in a yogurt shop. The same woman comes in there every day and asks for a taste of vanilla. Then she says, "I like your eyebrows," and leaves. I know it sounds normal, but you haven't seen my friend's eyebrows. They're horrible.
The other day I saw a guy who was decked out in full Ed Hardy gear somehow jump out of the way of a speeding car that he couldn't possibly have seen. I'm still reeling from my first ever ninja-douche sighting.
I'm all for extreme sports and those who partake in them. That said, I don't need to constantly hear about how 'extreme' you are for doing what you do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some 'extreme' youtube watching to take care of.
My new neighbors have posters for '27 Dresses' and 'Miss March' hanging prominently in their living room. I'm probably just gonna go ahead and ignore them till one of our leases ends.
David Duchovny was the first in a long line of celebrities to enter treatment for sex addiction. In 50 years, he'll be considered the Rosa Parks of sex rehab.
Things I hate: Cancer, pretentiousness, spoiled milk, evil dictators...oh, and people who state the obvious.
It's equal parts ironic and fitting that my favorite running song is 'Shots.'
I hope I never have to make a decision tougher than what to erase when my DVR is full.
It's a good thing 24 is ending tonight after 8 seasons. For Jack to have 8 days like that over the course of his life is feasible, but 9 would be pushing it.
Last name Baker? Your ancestors were probably bakers. Last name Pelc? Sometimes last names don't tell you anything. Last name Cumstan? Some mysteries are better left unsolved.
The main reason I've worked so hard at becoming a successful drinker is to discredit the idea that members of my faith are light-drinking Manischewitz swillers. My people can booze and I intend to continue to prove that.
I recently went to a clothing store that carried a lot of hipster gear and I couldn't believe the prices. I never realized that it costs so much to look that poor.
Take a girl to a big rock and roll show: She'll appreciate you and you might get some. Take her to a small show at a bar featuring some struggling artist with a guitar: That guy's attainable, she'll appreciate him and you'll be going home alone.
Watching members of the SNL house band awkwardly laugh during a host's monologue is often more entertaining than the monologue itself.
I want write a TV script where all the curses are mixed up. It'll sound normal when it's bleeped but it'll surprise people when it comes out on DVD uncensored. "This is bullfuck you motherbitching son of a shit!"
"Friendster Launches Massive Multiplayer Online Games!" Adding a shitty feature to a shitty site is probably not the best marketing ploy. That's like Applebee's adding liver and onions to their menu.
When I had a new passport photo taken last week, I made sure to keep a straight face. I might be 30 years old, but I'm still trying to hold on to that "I'm too cool to smile" persona.
A guy in Colorado was arrested after he shot himself in the groin. In other news, I crossed another state off my list of locations to shoot myself in the junk.
I find it a little annoying when kids finally figure out some inane aspect of life. Yup, I know it's pronounced 'whore derves' but spelled differently, I figured that out like 25 years ago, I'm not that impressed.
My nephew called me the other morning to tell me that he ate 8 whole cookies. Nice job little guy, but your uncle had 8 shots and 8 beers last night, so I win. Now I have a headache so please stop showing off and hang up the fucking phone.
For some reason, I find it absolutely hysterical when old people curse. So I do my best to piss them off whenever possible.
Whenever I kill a huge fly I feel a great sense of satisfaction. It survived long enough to get that big so it must be smart and elusive, but it was still no match for me and my Maxim magazine.
OK, shit-talking dunk tank guy at the carnival, there are 2 ways I can one-up you: I can spend money and try to knock you into the tank to shut you up, or I can save your money and remind myself that you're employed as a dunk tank guy at a carnival.
There's a weight loss contest going on in my office. I'm not in it, on account of the drinking, but people have been really annoying about it. So I got a ton of girl scout cookies and I leave two boxes in the kitchen every day. Being evil can be fun.
You might look at that nice painting and lament that you've wasted so much time boozing and partying instead of painting. I look at it and feel bad for the artist who has wasted all that time painting instead of boozing and partying.
I recently visited my grandparents in Florida and my grandmother was at the pool doing crazy jackknifes and belly flops off the diving board. My grandfather said to me, "I don't know what's wrong with her, she's really going off the deep end."
This morning, I heard a bank teller tell a woman, "we're trying to service you better." I laughed my ass off. Then I saw a sign at a manicure place that said, "We Do Facial!" Again, I laughed my ass off. Looks like today is gonna be an immature one.
Cinco is 5. Mayo is May. Cerveza is beer. Tequila is tequila. That's all the Spanish I need to know today.
Dude, I'm sure you're having a great time, but you look like you're having a seizure playing that game on your iPhone. Watching you tap, twist and flail away on that thing has to be more entertaining than playing on it.
I have a few funny stories that I've rehashed a million times. I have worked hard to make the delivery of each so perfect so I can get the best reaction from everyone. So if you don't laugh when I tell one, I assume you're a humorless douche.
I just heard that English people call drunk driving 'drink driving.' Learn English, England!
It's hard to describe the frustration of seeing a group of friends plan an awesome trip that you can't go on.
New studies show that eating dark chocolate can be beneficial for liver patients. If you need me, I'll be pounding beers in the Hershey Park parking lot.
I'm both shocked and appalled that VH-1 is still benefiting from the 'put a bunch of douche bags and whores in a house and see what happens' format.
I'm a pretty aggressive street crosser when I'm in a rush. If it takes some car dodging to get me where I need to go fast, so be it. If something goes wrong, at least I won't be around for you to tell me 'I told you so.' It's a win-win.
Police arrested a man at a motel in South Carolina for hitting another man with a snake and knocking him out. Insert dick joke here.
Workers at the Carlsberg factory in Denmark decided to strike because they were limited to only being allowed to drink free beer at lunch time. In other news, I'm moving to Denmark.
I just learned the hard way to never assume that the nice little old lady in your office knows what Humpday is.
I recently shaved my head. Afterward, I took a shower and realized I was out of shampoo. Now if I could only time my girlfriend to box of condom ratio that well...
I don't know if you came straight to work from the club or you just didn't get a chance to shower after a night out. Either way, you smell like booze, and it's making me thirsty.
Stewardesses for a Spanish airline were owed over 9 months pay. They decided to protest by posing nude for a calendar. I'm pretty sure that's not the best way to get their money, but I'm sure as hell not gonna be the one to tell them that.
Apparently, the 3 keys to real estate are "location, location, location." I won't say that's incorrect, but we need to be a little more specific. The real keys are: no ghetto, good local bar, and hot neighbors.
If you tell me you want to set me up with a girl who is athletic and loves watching sports, I'm totally into it. But the second you call her a tomboy, I'm out.
Parents need to assume a certain responsibility after they name their kids. You want to name your son Albert? Fine, but you better keep that kid skinny. You want to name your daughter Bambi? No prob, but you better keep that girl off the pole.
Two women were arrested in England when they tried to smuggle a corpse onto a plane by wheeling the body through the terminal. I don't know about you but I'm really looking forward to history's first Weekend at Bernies defense.
I just read that NYC Pizza delivery guy fought off gun toting muggers just so he could deliver a pie. He might be fucking insane, but that's exactly the kind of commitment I'd expect from my delivery guy. I might even tip the kid 10%. He earned it.
I don't see how Certificates of Authenticity actually work. If I don't have a moral issue with selling you a piece of shit and telling you it's priceless, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be ok with forging a document authenticating that piece of shit.
I turned 30 last week. If there were any concerns as to whether anything would change in me after the big day, they were alleviated when I laughed my ass off after my buddy told me that he had to run errands because "my wife is making me come."
Whenever a buddy dates a girl who both looks awful and acts insane, I just assume she must have some secret sexual talent, like no gag reflex or something.
Whenever I go into a bar bathroom and see a locked cabinet, I always try to find a way to break in. Of course, I'm drunkenly imagining some awesome treasure in there when it's probably just extra paper towels.
A buddy of mine has a mother who's really nice and sweet and a father who's in jail. Just to fuck with him, I told him, "you're a great example of the apple not falling far from the tree." He responded, "thanks bro...wait what?"
Dude, calm down, no need to bitch to me for sending a simple party reminder. It's just a few extra clicks...and I've seen your fat fingers, they could use the exercise.
When getting into a cab with a girl, I always open the door for her. Not because I'm a gentlemen but because I'd rather let her slide her ass along that contaminated seat.
You can be the most honest looking person in the world, but if you're a mechanic, I won't trust you for shit.
Sorry, if I can't find a dozen crack-less eggs and I need a ladder to reach anything then it's not a fucking 'convenience' store.
I recently came across a notebook that I used to write random shit in during college. At the time, I titled it "Thoughts." In hindsight, I should have called it "Indecipherable Ramblings of a Barely Functional Drunk."
Recording The Price is Right seems like cheating. Watching that show is something you earn by calling in sick.
A jogger in South Carolina was killed when he was hit by a plane making an emergency landing. Apparently the coroner is planning an autopsy. Sorry, I don't think there's a need for an autopsy...Cause of death: Being hit by a fucking plane.
South Park is translated into a bunch of other languages, and I can only assume it's still hysterical... but that whole 'fish sticks' episode must really be confusing.
Sometimes I do nothing to fight my hangovers, just so I can walk around with a constant reminder of how kick-ass the night before was.
When talking to a girl online, the number of times the last letter of her greeting is repeated is a good indicator of what she thinks of you. Hey: 'Fuck off.' Heyyyy: 'I'm looking forward to chatting with you.' Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy: 'Let's fuck.'
How in the world did certain terms come to be? I just don't see a scenario where someone once said, "look at that lazy fuck parked on the couch, sitting there looking like a...potato...Hey, wait a minute, this might catch on!"
I wonder if the 24 casting director who said "we have Freddie Prinze Jr., Bubba Gump, and the Millionaire host from Slumdog on board...we can't possibly go wrong" only got fired or if they actually kicked his ass on the way out.
Relationships used to have well defined milestones. First dates, first kisses, anniversaries, etc. Now the biggest turning points are status changes to 'in a relationship' and dual profile pics.
You know you're getting old when your friends ask, even jokingly, for day care at your birthday party.
When two dudes eat at a restaurant on a late Sunday morning, it's still breakfast...don't fucking call it brunch.
For girls, 'being there' means listening, advising, and helping a friend in need. For guys, it means being available to get hammered.
The closer I get to 30, the more I realize how important it is to keep even older people around, just so I can still feel young.
I read that women have started putting gems on their lady parts, it's called Vajazzling. I find it pretty sexist that a woman can get Vajazzled anywhere yet I can't find a Penazzling Parlor to save my life.
If I meet a cute girl whose last name is Bauer I stay away...there's always a chance that her father is Jack.
When girls think a child is cute they say, "I want to just eat you up." What about cute kids turns chicks into cannibals?
We all have that one perfect friend that can do everything...and we all wait patiently for that friend to fail miserably.
I've been a regular at a local bar for the last 5 years. I've thrown parties there, I'm friends with the whole staff, and I basically drink for free. Last night I walked in to find figure skating on every TV. And so begins the search for a new bar.
I've been wanting to start my dream business for a while now but I don't think the recession is over just yet. Pelc's Boob Massage Emporium will have to wait.
My little nephew decided that he wanted to write a rap. He asked me, "what rhymes with truck?" Fuck, little guy, if you can't come up with a rhyme for that word, maybe rap's not your thing.
I'm not a big proponent of excessive man-scaping, but if your body hair alone qualifies you as a Locks of Love donor, it might be time for a wax...or at least a trim.
One of my favorite moments of this Olympics was finding out that there's an actual person named Dick Button.
I would make a horrible figure skating judge. Not so much because I don't know the first thing about figure skating but more because I'd say things like, "Sure she fell 4 times, but she's pretty hot soooo perfect 10."
I think the U.S Curling team has had such a hard time in the Olympics because we've failed to recruit our most talented prospects: Cleaning ladies.
I think it's funny when the lead singer of a rock band comes out on stage with an acoustic guitar. Dude, just sing and let the big boys play the instruments...this is like bringing a butter knife to a gun fight.
"Bill Clinton is out of surgery and is in good spirits." I don't give a shit what mood he's in, just tell me who he's been 'cigaring' and I'll go on with my day.
On one of his dates back in the day, my father got piss drunk, won a dance contest, and capped the night by punching a bartender for no reason. I think the main reason I'm still single is I've spent my whole dating life trying to top that story.
I'm fine with people who feel the need to be PC but I think that guy who just told me, "that's like the pot calling the kettle African American" is taking it a little too far.
I have a really easy commute to work, 10 minutes door to door. Usually that's awesome, but when there's a blizzard and I'm the only asshole who can make it into the office, it never seems worth it. Fucking snow days.
I know it would have no bearing on my life at all, but I'd be really pissed if I was born in the Year of the Rat.
I don't mean to be a dick, guy with a thick accent and a speech impediment, but here's a pencil and paper...just write it down.
I woke up Sunday morning to a text I wrote to myself at 4 AM that said: "Reminder: Lame people, ice ice or something." Thanks drunk me, that was helpful.
Whenever a girl I know gets engaged I always look at the ring in front of her hot friends and say, "Oooh nice, emerald cut with baguettes." So far I've always been wrong, but when I'm finally right, I'll probably get myself laid.
What would you rather do, stay in your room or random chores? No brainer right? So why are people always trying to avoid jail time by agreeing to community service? I mean aside from the whole becoming someone's bitch thing.
I'm really not a douchey New Yorker but living here makes it very difficult to not refer to every other city as Bumblefuck.
Whenever I try to stay in and get to bed early, I end up watching some random movie and don't get to bed until 3. If I would just trust my instincts and go boozing after work, I'd be home and passed out before 11. I need to be more irresponsible.
I woke up this morning to a radio traffic report that said a truck overturned on the highway and there was an "accidental spill on the shoulder." My first thought was, "wow, just missed that pearl necklace." I need help.
Yes, guy who got on the elevator going down on the second floor, we ARE looking at your lazy ass like that. Take the fucking stairs! It's one flight down...and that leg cast can't be THAT heavy.
Assassination attempts thwarted at the last second? No problem. Jack Bauer seemingly having 9 lives? OK fine. Terrorists speaking to eachother in heavily accented English instead of their native tongue? Come on 24, that's a little hard to believe.
Sometimes I like to fuck with a bitchy hot girl by saying hi to her and then pointing out a really ugly girl saying, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were her, you guys are like twins."
If someone says the word nuclear, even if he says it properly, I'll always correct him as if he said 'nucular' just to fuck with him.
If 24 has taught me anything it's this: If there is some sort of plot to kill me, I'm fucking dead.
Most people have at least one physical feature that inspires compliments. What's mine? My eyelashes. That's right, I get a sea of compliments on my fucking eyelashes. Thanks a lot God, you couldn't give me a perfect ass or something?
I always make sure to preface inappropriate comments and insults with, "maybe it's just the booze talking but..." It never works.
If you're gonna invite a girl over to watch a movie, make sure to pick one that's not worth watching.
Mark McGwire claims that he used performance enhancing drugs but they didn't enhance his performance. I don't think he's gonna be getting that endorsement call from Viagra any time soon.
Any girl who's wearing something daring and asks if she is 'pulling it off,' probably isn't...but she still won't have a hard time finding a guy to pull it off.
Note to self: Come up with a safe word that's easier to say than antidisestablishmentarianism.
The Mets pitching staff lost J.J. Putz this off-season and they promptly signed R.A. Dickey. Because any team that sucks that badly always needs to try to keep around at least one euphemism for penis.
After Wilt Chamberlain slept with his 20,000th woman, did she feel honored when she found out? Or was she just wondering when to expect the first flare-up?
One of the few great feelings on a hungover morning is waking up, checking your phone, and seeing you didn't drunk dial anyone the night before.
I just got into a little argument about how to spell the shortened version of honey: Hon, like it's spelled; or hun, like it sounds. It took me a few minutes to realize that we were both losing.
No, you're not the first person to wish me a Happy Jew Year. Yes, I get it, I'm Jewish and Jew and new rhyme...very clever, dumbass.
My New Years resolution is to have no expectations for New Years Eve 2011.
At a party, there's a fine line between being the cool older guy and the creepy older guy. The other night, I hit on a girl that turned out to be a friend of my youngest sister. Annnd the line has been crossed. Welcome to Creepyville. Population: me.
Isn't Twitter really just Facebook playing a game of just the tip?
Depending on your party to study ratio in school, it's either a very sad or very happy day the moment you realize that virtually every test you took in your academic career was fucking meaningless.
I'm not sure what's more entertaining: seeing my co-workers get hammered at the office holiday party, or seeing them struggling with their hangovers the next day. If you'd just drink as often as I do, you'd be able to handle your shit.
Do you ever sit and think about which generic member you would be in a boy band? Umm, yeah, neither do I...but if I did, I would totally be the mysterious sexy one.
I find the term 'love child' slightly odd. Shouldn't it be 'fuck baby' or 'future criminal' or something?
I love when major celebrities beg for privacy during a scandal. That's like a hot girl who's dressed like a slut asking me to not want to have sex with her. You made your bed, now go fuck in it.
I'm not one of those people who has a phone cutoff time at night. Call me whenever: 10:30, 12, 2 AM, it's all good...but if you dial my number before noon on a weekend morning, I will fucking end you.
Dude, we're all aware of how much time you spend on your hair to make it look messy, you're not fooling anyone...and you're a douche-head.
Should I be feeling guilty that I took the money my grandparents gave me for the holidays and went straight to the bar?
A crossing guard yelled at me today for crossing the street when he said not to. Ummm, you're not a cop, you're just a guy in a reflective vest making suggestions. It's cold out and there are no cars coming...get the fuck out of my way.
Why do all kids stories end 'happily ever after?' It's unrealistic. I'd love to see one end with 'and they all died in a fiery carnival accident.'
Whenever I come across a guy with Tourettes who's cursing uncontrollably, the first thought that enters in my mind is that he's faking.
Hey Dane Cook, you know that thing you do where you get up on stage and tell jokes? Yeah, stop doing that. Thanks.
I fear that one of these days, the brief but intense panic I feel when I think I lost my BlackBerry is going to give me a deadly heart attack.
I was cursing out some Cowboy fans at the Giant game yesterday when some douche told me to watch my language because his kid was here. His son turned to him and said, "Dad shut the fuck up!" I won.
I have very little to say to most of my coworkers. Mostly, it's just awkward conversation about the weather. But there's so much more to talk about on Friday. "Yeah the weather sucks. But at least it's Friday, am I right? Okayy, have a nice weekend."
Behind every great artist, there is a great drug dealer.
Tiger Woods is a superior athlete and is worth millions, so he has that on me...but at least I didn't get my ass kicked by a girl.
I'll never understand how someone can read a book and leave it in perfect condition by the time they finish. By the time I'm done with a book, it looks like it's been through World War III.
Don't you hate That Guy who weaves through traffic on the highway and cuts everyone off? Yeah, well that's me...fuck off, I'm in a rush.
The other night, while channel surfing, I stumbled across the Jeff Dunham Show and I found myself chuckling. Now I've done a lot of things in life that I'm ashamed of, but laughing at a fucking ventriloquist might take the cake.
If you clicked on that link that said 'omg omg I saw this video of you at that party!!!' then you deserve the virus you got.
I hate traffic, but my ultimate reaction depends on what caused it. Car accident? At least I'll have something cool to look at. Construction? Are you fucking kidding me? Rubbernecking past a stalled car? Steer clear, I'm gonna need to hit someone.
I love it when a pro athlete retires and says that he's gonna spend a lot more time with his wife and kids. All he's really saying is, "it's gonna be a lot harder to get laid now that I'm not a pro athlete anymore."
By now, everyone's aware of what a lower back tattoo implies. A neck tattoo is a little less clear...but I bet she has a tongue ring.
I met a girl this weekend who told me she was a geologist. Needless to say, I laughed, thinking she was kidding...she wasn't. I might have gone home alone that night but the joke's on her, she's a fucking geologist.
Last night, I got home piss drunk, turned on Jeopardy, and proceeded to mindlessly spew out every right answer. I'm like an alcoholic Rain Man.
Whenever I'm introduced to somebody I've randomly met before, I always have this inner battle: Am I That Guy who remembers everyone or That Guy who's too cool to remember anyone?
The new Papa Johns commercials have been featuring the owner of the chain. I find it oddly disappointing the Papa John isn't a huge fat-ass.
I've always dreamed of being a minor member of a famous band, like a tambourine player or something. I wouldn't have to do much and I would still get all the benefits of being in the band: the money, the chicks, etc. Jeez, even in my dreams I'm lazy.
"Yes Mom, I'm going to Vegas for the 10th time. I know it seems excessive, but there are just so many great shows I haven't seen yet." Think she bought it?
The only point of a garnish is that I don't look like as big of a pig having not fully cleared my plate.
You get a haircut. I say: "Looks good." I mean: "Looks good." I say: "Wow! That really looks great. You look really really good. Way to take a risk." I mean: "What the fuck did they do to you?"
There's nothing worse than people who overuse the phrase, "there's nothing worse than..."
If I ever do something great for my city, you think I can get straight cash instead of that key to the city bullshit?
One of the biggest differences between me and my married friends who have kids is that when I say that I have a party at 11, I mean 11PM.
There needs to be an established set of rules for sneeze-response etiquette. Do you say 'bless you' after each consecutive sneeze? Can you switch to 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' after more than 3 sneezes in a row? Someone needs to take charge.
I put my pants on two legs at a time yesterday, just to be different. How did it go? Lets just say sometimes it's good to conform...also, I have a concussion.
I read that a Russian car maker is making an SUV that will cost $1.5 million. One of its many features is a whale penis leather interior. I hope someone I know gets this car just so I can get in and say: "Wow, this is comfy...is this whale penis?"
I can't stand watching these online dating commercials where the couples talk about how instantly compatible they were. Sorry guys, bonding over your mutual desire to settle down and get married is not called compatibility, that's called desperation.
Ironically, the day of the NY Marathon is one of the biggest drinking days in the city. While thousands run the grueling race, the rest of us lazy fucks watch on the side and get drunk enough to convince ourselves that we also ran 26 miles.
It was nice to meet you too, yeah definitely take my number. Whoa, nice flip phone, I didn't know they still made those, it's very, ummm, retro. My number? 867-5309. Take care.
I went to a scotch tasting last night and learned that the region of Islay in Scotland has 8 scotch distilleries and 2 schools...I think I was born in the wrong country.
Someone tickled my baby nephew the other day and said "coochie coochie coo." At first I was kind of pissed but then I realized, it's never too early to get a boy acquainted with coochie tickling.
If you keep apologizing for something small you did, at a certain point, I get more pissed off at you than I was in the first place. You're sorry for sleeping with my girlfriend, I get it, let's move on.
Reason my boss thinks I stayed late last night: I'm a hard worker who takes this job seriously. Real reason I stayed late last night: My internet is down at home and I had some shit to take care of online.
I'm not really sure why they call them backseat drivers when most of them sit in the passenger seat. They should change the name to something more universal like "huge pain in the ass."
I became an uncle today and people keep asking me the kid's weight. Ummm 6 lbs. 4 oz...what do you plan on doing with that information?
I love my nephew and all but I don't need him to show me every time he does some menial task. Sorry kid, I don't want to see you jump, I'm not impressed, I can jump. Come by when you can open me a beer...or when you get hurt from all that jumping.
My brother-in-law recently became an OB-GYN. My life has now become an epic struggle to stifle vagina jokes at family gatherings.
I fucking hate when the last sip of my drink goes down the wrong pipe.
Of all the pickup lines in history, the most I'm most baffled about is, "what's your sign." How did it work? I don't get it. "Hey, what's your sign? Taurus? Ummmm...cool, I'm an Aries, want to get out of here?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for breast cancer awareness, but there was way too much pink on the football field yesterday.
One of these days we're gonna find out that "organic" is just Latin for "more expensive."
Bartender at your favorite bar knows you by name: Nice, free drinks. Liquor store clerk knows you by name: Maybe it's time to cut back a little. Cop on duty at the drunk tank knows you by name: You're in trouble. Get help.
I can't stand when parents give their babies horrible names. Way to give little Gaylord Ralph a fair shot at life, Mom and Dad. I should call Child Protective Services.
The key to succeeding at your job is striking the balance between finishing your work quickly enough not to get fired and slowly enough not to be hated by your coworkers.
I read a lot, but there's a time and a place to admit it. Me: Did you read that Obama article in Newsweek? Hot girl: Ummmmm...no, I don't read. Me: Uh, yeah, me neither, reading is so lame.
I would love to go back in time and meet the guy who got the world's first blow job. That was truly one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind...fuck the moon landing.
Dude, I know we've been friends for a while but if you continue to say "ciao" instead of "goodbye," my respect for you will disappear in a huge cloud of douche smoke.
I'm a very possessive bar regular. Sorry bro, I've cornered the market on flirting with the waitresses and making a drunken ass of myself at this establishment and you seem to be stealing my thunder...you're gonna have to find another place to drink.
Someone in my office has been stealing supplies from my drawer. That asshole better watch out, his next trip to my desk is gonna yield some paper clips with a side of mouse trap.
I love my BlackBerry, but ever since I got it, it's been impossible to reach 1-800-MATTRES.
Catalog, catalog, bill I already paid online, catalog, credit card application, catalog...Honestly, if every post office in the country just disappeared would anyone give a shit?
Last night, I saw a homeless guy asking another homeless guy for some change. That's like mugging a mugger, or stealing a joke from Carlos Mencia.
A close friend just had a baby boy and he made me the godfather. When all is said and done, it's a totally meaningless role, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a total bad-ass.
I'm not all that athletic, but when you incorporate any form beer drinking into a regular sport, I magically become best athlete on the field.
No, I didn't catch the Emmys last night. Dude, there was a football game on...I TiVoed it.
When I'm checking out a picture of me and a bunch of people and I say "looks good," I really just mean "I look good."
When there's an empty seat next to me on the train and someone comes on and sits in a different seat, I'm insulted that the person chose not to sit next to me but I'm also pumped that I don't have to move my pillow and disrupt my nap.
I love taking some dude's seat when he gets up for a second at a party. Whenever he gets back we have an awkward exchange that always ends with him insisting that I stay in the seat I stole.
Sorry when I asked you if you liked to read I was talking about books...US magazine captions and People pictures don't count.
Lately I've been absolutely miserable at work. As a result, I hate literally everyone in my office, no matter what. So, sorry nice little old lady secretary who gives me candy every morning, I hate you and your wrinkly face.
One of the best parts about being an alcoholic is you have an easy explanation any time you awkwardly introduce yourself to someone you already met by saying you were hammered at the time.
Yes, I am holding one beer in each hand. Yes, they are both mine. No, I don't think double fisting is excessive. I could easily carry at least one more beer in each hand. That's not excess...that's called restraint.
I went on a date last week and as we were ordering, the girl told me she doesn't drink. Ummmm, maybe you should've told me that yesterday when I told you we're going to a fucking bar. Enjoy your diet cokes, I'm gonna get hammered.
When I forget my watch at home, I look at my bare wrist 10 times more than I would if I had the watch on in the first place.
Without fail, the first text I send on a weekend morning is, "how bad was I?"
Went to a summer house this weekend that was fully stocked with ping pong balls, but there were no paddles or ping pong tables in sight. From what I can remember, it was a good weekend.
I think it's a lot easier to get away with insulting people via text or email. I can call someone a fucking bitch and then when they call me out I can just say, "sorry...typo."
If we're scheming and someone comes and you tell me to act naturally, there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna act very unnaturally and our cover will be blown.
When I'm waiting for my elevator, rather than make awkward small talk, I pretend to check my cell. I forgot my cell this morning and was forced to talk to this girl on my floor. We're going out for drinks tomorrow...I guess my cell is a cockblock.
I'm always very skeptical when a friend tries to set me up and the girl sounds too good to be true. Oh she's hot, funny, rich, great in bed AND loves sports? Sounds great. Can't wait to meet her parents, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
I hate going to dinner with friends who pinch every penny. I know I got an extra beer but why can't we just split it like normal people...I'd almost rather pay the bill myself you cheap fucks.
I'm not a fast man, but when I hear the words, "last call," I can run like the wind.
"Sure, I'm only dating him for his money but that doesn't make me a whore." Actually, it's worse, it makes you a whore on retainer.
Hey asshole, just because you drive a Toyota Prius doesn't mean you're single handedly saving the world from global warming. Get that smug look off your face.
Ari Gold sleeping on the couch? He doesn't have a fucking guest room?
It was always easy to classify kids based on the board games they played. The smart kids played Monopoly, Risk or Stratego...and the dumbasses played Hungry Hungry Hippo.
I'm pretty sure that if I heard my own phone voice I would make fun of me mercilessly.
I have no problem paying for shipping...it's the handling fee that really pisses me off.
I have a gay cousin that hadn't come out to his parents yet. I tried to tell him, if he was still trying to assert his heterosexuality then Milk was a bad choice for family movie night.
I can't remember the last time I didn't have at least one bottle of vodka in my freezer, one six pack of beer in my fridge, and one bottle of scotch on my kitchen counter. I don't think that makes me an alcoholic though, it just makes me prepared.
I have a buddy who's approaching 30 and is depressed about how little he's accomplished up to this point. Dude, cheer up, at least you're not a dog...then you'd be a 210 year old failure.
I just met a speech therapist with a lisp. Really? That's like a fat personal trainer or a bald barber. Seriously, if you can't get your shit together, how do you expect to get paid?
As the number of $1 bills in my wallet increases, so does the likelihood that I'll be going to a strip club.
I wonder if the creators of the douche realized that their product name would become one of the great insults of our time.
I am always surprised to see so many people walking around hungover on the weekends. Don't they know all it takes to be good as new is 3 Advil and a big bottle of water? It's the breakfast of champions....Wheaties my ass.
"I'll have a vodka tonic." "Any vodka preference?" "Eh, whatever." Now tell me that if I launch Whatever Vodka, I won't make millions...Patent pending.
People are always telling me how great it is to swim with dolphins. No thanks. I know they're supposed to be very friendly but with my luck, I'll run into the one angry dolphin in the ocean and I'll just wind up swimming with the fishes.
I wonder how many important work emails get blocked if your name is Dick.
Two days ago, I nailed my roommate with a water balloon, waking him up. He escalated the next morning by putting thumbtacks face up at the foot of my bed. Now we're in an all out prank war. Let the arms race begin!
Sorry, you seem like a very nice, normal person but that is all canceled out by the fact that you clothe your dog.
I've been drinking so heavily lately that I'm thinking about inviting family and friends to my own intervention.
Normally I like pretty standard foods but when I drink heavily I get cravings like a pregnant woman. Tuna and strawberry sandwich? Don't mind if I do.
Last night, a buddy of mine said he drinks like it's his religion. If that's a religion then just call me Pope Pelc I.
I was thinking about switching to Verizon, but who the fuck wants a million people following you around everywhere?
The whole mermaid fantasy made a lot more sense in high school. It's not their fault or anything but now they just seem prude to me.
I imagine hell to be a lot like today is: Stuck in the office on a beautiful Monday with the clock seemingly not moving...only much much hotter.
If you don't like a buddy's girlfriend, you only have a certain amount of time to tell him so before it's too late. After a few months, he won't listen to you because he's in too deep.
We already have mustard gas, pepper spray, and napalm jelly...It's only a matter of time before someone comes up with a weaponized version of ketchup.
Hey, guy who asked a question after the office fire drill: If this were the real thing, it would be total and utter chaos. Any question you ask about what we just did is totally irrelevant. Now let me go back to my desk so I can waste my own time.
After a treadmill run, I'm usually really happy with the amount of calories I burned...until I realize it's only about a quarter of the calories I consumed in alcohol the night before.
I was watching tennis at a well air-conditioned bar yesterday sitting next to a dude who was sweating more profusely than the players. Exercise much?
Everything a single guy does, he does to get laid.
Roger may have won the match, but Roddick took the highly coveted 'hotter wife' title in a landslide.
One of the best things about holiday weekends is that you get to treat Thursday likes it's a Friday...Liquid lunch anyone?
A buddy of mine who lives in Green Bay told me he routinely sees dudes walking around in public wearing cheeseheads, even during the football off-season. In normal states, people who give up just put on a pair of sweatpants. Only in Wisconsin!
I'm not lazy, I just only like to do things that I'm good at. Unfortunately, I'm not good at all that many things so it makes me appear lazy.
Drinking heavily on a Sunday always seems like a good idea...and then Monday comes along and reminds you that it isn't.
If media coverage is any indication, apparently MJ's death ended the crisis in Iran.
Is there anything less genuine than asking a sick friend if he or she 'needs anything?'
I love how it's become totally acceptable to say things like 'long time no see' or 'where you at?' It's better to sound like a moron than a loser that says things like 'it has been a while since I have seen you' or 'where are you at the moment?'
As good as it is getting good weather when you're expecting shitty weather, it's infinitely worse getting shitty weather when you're expecting good weather. Either way, meteorologists suck.
I'm not a big acronym guy but I sometimes use GFY, for 'go fuck yourself.' Someone pointed out to me that it could also stand for 'good for you.' Dude, if you use that acronym to mean 'good for you,' then seriously, GFY.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on being as progressive a parent as the next guy but aren't some of the stories from How I Met Your Mother a little inappropriate for kids that age?
Just saw a cab with the number 'H1N1' on top...No thanks buddy, I'll take the next one.
I think I'd get away with a lot more mischief if I kept a package of Mentos on me at all times.
I'm running a half marathon in a couple of months and I'm trying to cut down on booze while I'm in training. I'm having a lot of trouble with it though because I really suck at running and I'm really really good at drinking.
Paris Hilton breaks up with her boyfriend and asks that we all respect her privacy. I never thought I'd read the terms 'Paris Hilton,' 'respect' and 'privacy' in the same sentence, but there you have it.
I think the man who discovered that temperature can be taken orally instead of rectally doesn't get enough credit.
I have this weird quirk where I have to be able to relate to the title of a movie in order to go out and see it. So, while I won't be seeing 'Star Trek' and 'Land of the Lost' any time soon, I am preparing for multiple viewings of 'The Hangover'
Thanks to Facebook and Google, there's no such thing as blind dates anymore.
The irony of joke shops is that there's nothing funny in there.
If weekdays were people then Monday would be a huge douche.
Anyone who used the term 'pwned' is getting pwned by life.
Just saw a guy in a suit checking all the subway pay phone slots for quarters. Instead of reacting to the scene of a well dressed man scrounging for change, I was shocked by the realization that pay phones still exist.
I'm probably just jealous but I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants go back to junior high and beat the shit out of these spelling bee kids.
Over the course of my life, I've done much more damage to myself and others drunk dialing and texting than I have drunk driving.
Is it possible to feel bad for a website? Every once in a while I get a message from Friendster and I find it so adorably pathetic that I can't bring myself to finally erase my account.
I freakin hate people who use Facebook and Twitter to tell me their political beliefs...especially when I don't agree with those beliefs.
I was at a buddy's wedding last night and I could've sworn I saw the angel on the his right shoulder killing the devil on his left shoulder, officially making him boring as fuck.
I often worry about what would happen to me if I get into a fight and my mom gets scared. I don't have an any family in Bel Air to save me...Will was lucky.
I imagine that if my organs were capable of feelings, my liver would want to beat the shit out of me. So just in case, I'm gonna keep doing my best to weaken it.
If I had a nickel for every time I came in to work hungover I wouldn't have to work anymore.
The life of a pizza delivery guy is like a porn movie...minus the sex
I had been struggling with where to rank 'World of Warcraft players' on my uncool list. I finally settled on right above 'Dungeons and Dragons players' and right below 'people who make uncool lists'
Fleet Week in NYC: Time to break out the ole sailor costume and pick up some women...hope nobody asks me what platoon I'm in.
In most life situations, I find myself saying that I'd rather be drunk, but I don't think that makes me an alcoholic...it just makes me a person who WANTS to be an alcoholic.
From the Too Much Information Department: Just to be friendly, I asked a limping coworker who I barely know if he was ok and he said, "Yeah I'm fine, just getting over a vasectomy." He wasn't kidding......whoa.
I would NEVER hit a woman, but I don't think I've ever come closer to doing so than when I found out that the woman in my office who jokes about someone's "case of the Mondays" on a weekly basis has never even seen Office Space.
The sadist in me wants to spend the day on crowded subways, speaking loudly of my recent trip to Mexico City and coughing intermittently.
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