Ruminations
Sometimes I do nothing to fight my hangovers, just so I can walk around with a constant reminder of how kick-ass the night before was.
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When talking to a girl online, the number of times the last letter of her greeting is repeated is a good indicator of what she thinks of you. Hey: 'Fuck off.' Heyyyy: 'I'm looking forward to chatting with you.' Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy: 'Let's fuck.'
How in the world did certain terms come to be? I just don't see a scenario where someone once said, "look at that lazy fuck parked on the couch, sitting there looking like a...potato...Hey, wait a minute, this might catch on!"
I wonder if the 24 casting director who said "we have Freddie Prinze Jr., Bubba Gump, and the Millionaire host from Slumdog on board...we can't possibly go wrong" only got fired or if they actually kicked his ass on the way out.
Relationships used to have well defined milestones. First dates, first kisses, anniversaries, etc. Now the biggest turning points are status changes to 'in a relationship' and dual profile pics.
You know you're getting old when your friends ask, even jokingly, for day care at your birthday party.
When two dudes eat at a restaurant on a late Sunday morning, it's still breakfast...don't fucking call it brunch.
For girls, 'being there' means listening, advising, and helping a friend in need. For guys, it means being available to get hammered.
The closer I get to 30, the more I realize how important it is to keep even older people around, just so I can still feel young.
I read that women have started putting gems on their lady parts, it's called Vajazzling. I find it pretty sexist that a woman can get Vajazzled anywhere yet I can't find a Penazzling Parlor to save my life.
If I meet a cute girl whose last name is Bauer I stay away...there's always a chance that her father is Jack.
When girls think a child is cute they say, "I want to just eat you up." What about cute kids turns chicks into cannibals?
We all have that one perfect friend that can do everything...and we all wait patiently for that friend to fail miserably.
I've been a regular at a local bar for the last 5 years. I've thrown parties there, I'm friends with the whole staff, and I basically drink for free. Last night I walked in to find figure skating on every TV. And so begins the search for a new bar.
I've been wanting to start my dream business for a while now but I don't think the recession is over just yet. Pelc's Boob Massage Emporium will have to wait.
My little nephew decided that he wanted to write a rap. He asked me, "what rhymes with truck?" Fuck, little guy, if you can't come up with a rhyme for that word, maybe rap's not your thing.
I'm not a big proponent of excessive man-scaping, but if your body hair alone qualifies you as a Locks of Love donor, it might be time for a wax...or at least a trim.
One of my favorite moments of this Olympics was finding out that there's an actual person named Dick Button.
I would make a horrible figure skating judge. Not so much because I don't know the first thing about figure skating but more because I'd say things like, "Sure she fell 4 times, but she's pretty hot soooo perfect 10."
I think the U.S Curling team has had such a hard time in the Olympics because we've failed to recruit our most talented prospects: Cleaning ladies.
I think it's funny when the lead singer of a rock band comes out on stage with an acoustic guitar. Dude, just sing and let the big boys play the instruments...this is like bringing a butter knife to a gun fight.
"Bill Clinton is out of surgery and is in good spirits." I don't give a shit what mood he's in, just tell me who he's been 'cigaring' and I'll go on with my day.
On one of his dates back in the day, my father got piss drunk, won a dance contest, and capped the night by punching a bartender for no reason. I think the main reason I'm still single is I've spent my whole dating life trying to top that story.
I'm fine with people who feel the need to be PC but I think that guy who just told me, "that's like the pot calling the kettle African American" is taking it a little too far.
I have a really easy commute to work, 10 minutes door to door. Usually that's awesome, but when there's a blizzard and I'm the only asshole who can make it into the office, it never seems worth it. Fucking snow days.
I know it would have no bearing on my life at all, but I'd be really pissed if I was born in the Year of the Rat.
I don't mean to be a dick, guy with a thick accent and a speech impediment, but here's a pencil and paper...just write it down.
I woke up Sunday morning to a text I wrote to myself at 4 AM that said: "Reminder: Lame people, ice ice or something." Thanks drunk me, that was helpful.
Whenever a girl I know gets engaged I always look at the ring in front of her hot friends and say, "Oooh nice, emerald cut with baguettes." So far I've always been wrong, but when I'm finally right, I'll probably get myself laid.
What would you rather do, stay in your room or random chores? No brainer right? So why are people always trying to avoid jail time by agreeing to community service? I mean aside from the whole becoming someone's bitch thing.
I'm really not a douchey New Yorker but living here makes it very difficult to not refer to every other city as Bumblefuck.
Whenever I try to stay in and get to bed early, I end up watching some random movie and don't get to bed until 3. If I would just trust my instincts and go boozing after work, I'd be home and passed out before 11. I need to be more irresponsible.
I woke up this morning to a radio traffic report that said a truck overturned on the highway and there was an "accidental spill on the shoulder." My first thought was, "wow, just missed that pearl necklace." I need help.
Yes, guy who got on the elevator going down on the second floor, we ARE looking at your lazy ass like that. Take the fucking stairs! It's one flight down...and that leg cast can't be THAT heavy.
Assassination attempts thwarted at the last second? No problem. Jack Bauer seemingly having 9 lives? OK fine. Terrorists speaking to eachother in heavily accented English instead of their native tongue? Come on 24, that's a little hard to believe.
Sometimes I like to fuck with a bitchy hot girl by saying hi to her and then pointing out a really ugly girl saying, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were her, you guys are like twins."
If someone says the word nuclear, even if he says it properly, I'll always correct him as if he said 'nucular' just to fuck with him.
If 24 has taught me anything it's this: If there is some sort of plot to kill me, I'm fucking dead.
Most people have at least one physical feature that inspires compliments. What's mine? My eyelashes. That's right, I get a sea of compliments on my fucking eyelashes. Thanks a lot God, you couldn't give me a perfect ass or something?
I always make sure to preface inappropriate comments and insults with, "maybe it's just the booze talking but..." It never works.
If you're gonna invite a girl over to watch a movie, make sure to pick one that's not worth watching.
Mark McGwire claims that he used performance enhancing drugs but they didn't enhance his performance. I don't think he's gonna be getting that endorsement call from Viagra any time soon.
Any girl who's wearing something daring and asks if she is 'pulling it off,' probably isn't...but she still won't have a hard time finding a guy to pull it off.
Note to self: Come up with a safe word that's easier to say than antidisestablishmentarianism.
The Mets pitching staff lost J.J. Putz this off-season and they promptly signed R.A. Dickey. Because any team that sucks that badly always needs to try to keep around at least one euphemism for penis.
After Wilt Chamberlain slept with his 20,000th woman, did she feel honored when she found out? Or was she just wondering when to expect the first flare-up?
One of the few great feelings on a hungover morning is waking up, checking your phone, and seeing you didn't drunk dial anyone the night before.
I just got into a little argument about how to spell the shortened version of honey: Hon, like it's spelled; or hun, like it sounds. It took me a few minutes to realize that we were both losing.
No, you're not the first person to wish me a Happy Jew Year. Yes, I get it, I'm Jewish and Jew and new rhyme...very clever, dumbass.
My New Years resolution is to have no expectations for New Years Eve 2011.
At a party, there's a fine line between being the cool older guy and the creepy older guy. The other night, I hit on a girl that turned out to be a friend of my youngest sister. Annnd the line has been crossed. Welcome to Creepyville. Population: me.
Isn't Twitter really just Facebook playing a game of just the tip?
Depending on your party to study ratio in school, it's either a very sad or very happy day the moment you realize that virtually every test you took in your academic career was fucking meaningless.
I'm not sure what's more entertaining: seeing my co-workers get hammered at the office holiday party, or seeing them struggling with their hangovers the next day. If you'd just drink as often as I do, you'd be able to handle your shit.
Do you ever sit and think about which generic member you would be in a boy band? Umm, yeah, neither do I...but if I did, I would totally be the mysterious sexy one.
I find the term 'love child' slightly odd. Shouldn't it be 'fuck baby' or 'future criminal' or something?
I love when major celebrities beg for privacy during a scandal. That's like a hot girl who's dressed like a slut asking me to not want to have sex with her. You made your bed, now go fuck in it.
I'm not one of those people who has a phone cutoff time at night. Call me whenever: 10:30, 12, 2 AM, it's all good...but if you dial my number before noon on a weekend morning, I will fucking end you.
Dude, we're all aware of how much time you spend on your hair to make it look messy, you're not fooling anyone...and you're a douche-head.
Should I be feeling guilty that I took the money my grandparents gave me for the holidays and went straight to the bar?
A crossing guard yelled at me today for crossing the street when he said not to. Ummm, you're not a cop, you're just a guy in a reflective vest making suggestions. It's cold out and there are no cars coming...get the fuck out of my way.
Why do all kids stories end 'happily ever after?' It's unrealistic. I'd love to see one end with 'and they all died in a fiery carnival accident.'
Whenever I come across a guy with Tourettes who's cursing uncontrollably, the first thought that enters in my mind is that he's faking.
Hey Dane Cook, you know that thing you do where you get up on stage and tell jokes? Yeah, stop doing that. Thanks.
I fear that one of these days, the brief but intense panic I feel when I think I lost my BlackBerry is going to give me a deadly heart attack.
I was cursing out some Cowboy fans at the Giant game yesterday when some douche told me to watch my language because his kid was here. His son turned to him and said, "Dad shut the fuck up!" I won.
I have very little to say to most of my coworkers. Mostly, it's just awkward conversation about the weather. But there's so much more to talk about on Friday. "Yeah the weather sucks. But at least it's Friday, am I right? Okayy, have a nice weekend."
Behind every great artist, there is a great drug dealer.
Tiger Woods is a superior athlete and is worth millions, so he has that on me...but at least I didn't get my ass kicked by a girl.
I'll never understand how someone can read a book and leave it in perfect condition by the time they finish. By the time I'm done with a book, it looks like it's been through World War III.
Don't you hate That Guy who weaves through traffic on the highway and cuts everyone off? Yeah, well that's me...fuck off, I'm in a rush.
The other night, while channel surfing, I stumbled across the Jeff Dunham Show and I found myself chuckling. Now I've done a lot of things in life that I'm ashamed of, but laughing at a fucking ventriloquist might take the cake.
If you clicked on that link that said 'omg omg I saw this video of you at that party!!!' then you deserve the virus you got.
I hate traffic, but my ultimate reaction depends on what caused it. Car accident? At least I'll have something cool to look at. Construction? Are you fucking kidding me? Rubbernecking past a stalled car? Steer clear, I'm gonna need to hit someone.
I love it when a pro athlete retires and says that he's gonna spend a lot more time with his wife and kids. All he's really saying is, "it's gonna be a lot harder to get laid now that I'm not a pro athlete anymore."
By now, everyone's aware of what a lower back tattoo implies. A neck tattoo is a little less clear...but I bet she has a tongue ring.
I met a girl this weekend who told me she was a geologist. Needless to say, I laughed, thinking she was kidding...she wasn't. I might have gone home alone that night but the joke's on her, she's a fucking geologist.
Last night, I got home piss drunk, turned on Jeopardy, and proceeded to mindlessly spew out every right answer. I'm like an alcoholic Rain Man.
Whenever I'm introduced to somebody I've randomly met before, I always have this inner battle: Am I That Guy who remembers everyone or That Guy who's too cool to remember anyone?
The new Papa Johns commercials have been featuring the owner of the chain. I find it oddly disappointing the Papa John isn't a huge fat-ass.
I've always dreamed of being a minor member of a famous band, like a tambourine player or something. I wouldn't have to do much and I would still get all the benefits of being in the band: the money, the chicks, etc. Jeez, even in my dreams I'm lazy.
"Yes Mom, I'm going to Vegas for the 10th time. I know it seems excessive, but there are just so many great shows I haven't seen yet." Think she bought it?
The only point of a garnish is that I don't look like as big of a pig having not fully cleared my plate.
You get a haircut. I say: "Looks good." I mean: "Looks good." I say: "Wow! That really looks great. You look really really good. Way to take a risk." I mean: "What the fuck did they do to you?"
There's nothing worse than people who overuse the phrase, "there's nothing worse than..."
If I ever do something great for my city, you think I can get straight cash instead of that key to the city bullshit?
One of the biggest differences between me and my married friends who have kids is that when I say that I have a party at 11, I mean 11PM.
There needs to be an established set of rules for sneeze-response etiquette. Do you say 'bless you' after each consecutive sneeze? Can you switch to 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' after more than 3 sneezes in a row? Someone needs to take charge.
I put my pants on two legs at a time yesterday, just to be different. How did it go? Lets just say sometimes it's good to conform...also, I have a concussion.
I read that a Russian car maker is making an SUV that will cost $1.5 million. One of its many features is a whale penis leather interior. I hope someone I know gets this car just so I can get in and say: "Wow, this is comfy...is this whale penis?"
I can't stand watching these online dating commercials where the couples talk about how instantly compatible they were. Sorry guys, bonding over your mutual desire to settle down and get married is not called compatibility, that's called desperation.
Ironically, the day of the NY Marathon is one of the biggest drinking days in the city. While thousands run the grueling race, the rest of us lazy fucks watch on the side and get drunk enough to convince ourselves that we also ran 26 miles.
It was nice to meet you too, yeah definitely take my number. Whoa, nice flip phone, I didn't know they still made those, it's very, ummm, retro. My number? 867-5309. Take care.
I went to a scotch tasting last night and learned that the region of Islay in Scotland has 8 scotch distilleries and 2 schools...I think I was born in the wrong country.
Someone tickled my baby nephew the other day and said "coochie coochie coo." At first I was kind of pissed but then I realized, it's never too early to get a boy acquainted with coochie tickling.
If you keep apologizing for something small you did, at a certain point, I get more pissed off at you than I was in the first place. You're sorry for sleeping with my girlfriend, I get it, let's move on.
Reason my boss thinks I stayed late last night: I'm a hard worker who takes this job seriously. Real reason I stayed late last night: My internet is down at home and I had some shit to take care of online.
I'm not really sure why they call them backseat drivers when most of them sit in the passenger seat. They should change the name to something more universal like "huge pain in the ass."
I became an uncle today and people keep asking me the kid's weight. Ummm 6 lbs. 4 oz...what do you plan on doing with that information?
I love my nephew and all but I don't need him to show me every time he does some menial task. Sorry kid, I don't want to see you jump, I'm not impressed, I can jump. Come by when you can open me a beer...or when you get hurt from all that jumping.
My brother-in-law recently became an OB-GYN. My life has now become an epic struggle to stifle vagina jokes at family gatherings.
I fucking hate when the last sip of my drink goes down the wrong pipe.
Of all the pickup lines in history, the most I'm most baffled about is, "what's your sign." How did it work? I don't get it. "Hey, what's your sign? Taurus? Ummmm...cool, I'm an Aries, want to get out of here?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for breast cancer awareness, but there was way too much pink on the football field yesterday.
One of these days we're gonna find out that "organic" is just Latin for "more expensive."
Bartender at your favorite bar knows you by name: Nice, free drinks. Liquor store clerk knows you by name: Maybe it's time to cut back a little. Cop on duty at the drunk tank knows you by name: You're in trouble. Get help.
I can't stand when parents give their babies horrible names. Way to give little Gaylord Ralph a fair shot at life, Mom and Dad. I should call Child Protective Services.
The key to succeeding at your job is striking the balance between finishing your work quickly enough not to get fired and slowly enough not to be hated by your coworkers.
I read a lot, but there's a time and a place to admit it. Me: Did you read that Obama article in Newsweek? Hot girl: Ummmmm...no, I don't read. Me: Uh, yeah, me neither, reading is so lame.
I would love to go back in time and meet the guy who got the world's first blow job. That was truly one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind...fuck the moon landing.
Dude, I know we've been friends for a while but if you continue to say "ciao" instead of "goodbye," my respect for you will disappear in a huge cloud of douche smoke.
I'm a very possessive bar regular. Sorry bro, I've cornered the market on flirting with the waitresses and making a drunken ass of myself at this establishment and you seem to be stealing my thunder...you're gonna have to find another place to drink.
Someone in my office has been stealing supplies from my drawer. That asshole better watch out, his next trip to my desk is gonna yield some paper clips with a side of mouse trap.
I love my BlackBerry, but ever since I got it, it's been impossible to reach 1-800-MATTRES.
Catalog, catalog, bill I already paid online, catalog, credit card application, catalog...Honestly, if every post office in the country just disappeared would anyone give a shit?
Last night, I saw a homeless guy asking another homeless guy for some change. That's like mugging a mugger, or stealing a joke from Carlos Mencia.
A close friend just had a baby boy and he made me the godfather. When all is said and done, it's a totally meaningless role, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like a total bad-ass.
I'm not all that athletic, but when you incorporate any form beer drinking into a regular sport, I magically become best athlete on the field.
No, I didn't catch the Emmys last night. Dude, there was a football game on...I TiVoed it.
When I'm checking out a picture of me and a bunch of people and I say "looks good," I really just mean "I look good."
When there's an empty seat next to me on the train and someone comes on and sits in a different seat, I'm insulted that the person chose not to sit next to me but I'm also pumped that I don't have to move my pillow and disrupt my nap.
I love taking some dude's seat when he gets up for a second at a party. Whenever he gets back we have an awkward exchange that always ends with him insisting that I stay in the seat I stole.
Sorry when I asked you if you liked to read I was talking about books...US magazine captions and People pictures don't count.
Lately I've been absolutely miserable at work. As a result, I hate literally everyone in my office, no matter what. So, sorry nice little old lady secretary who gives me candy every morning, I hate you and your wrinkly face.
One of the best parts about being an alcoholic is you have an easy explanation any time you awkwardly introduce yourself to someone you already met by saying you were hammered at the time.
Yes, I am holding one beer in each hand. Yes, they are both mine. No, I don't think double fisting is excessive. I could easily carry at least one more beer in each hand. That's not excess...that's called restraint.
I went on a date last week and as we were ordering, the girl told me she doesn't drink. Ummmm, maybe you should've told me that yesterday when I told you we're going to a fucking bar. Enjoy your diet cokes, I'm gonna get hammered.
When I forget my watch at home, I look at my bare wrist 10 times more than I would if I had the watch on in the first place.
Without fail, the first text I send on a weekend morning is, "how bad was I?"
Went to a summer house this weekend that was fully stocked with ping pong balls, but there were no paddles or ping pong tables in sight. From what I can remember, it was a good weekend.
I think it's a lot easier to get away with insulting people via text or email. I can call someone a fucking bitch and then when they call me out I can just say, "sorry...typo."
If we're scheming and someone comes and you tell me to act naturally, there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna act very unnaturally and our cover will be blown.
When I'm waiting for my elevator, rather than make awkward small talk, I pretend to check my cell. I forgot my cell this morning and was forced to talk to this girl on my floor. We're going out for drinks tomorrow...I guess my cell is a cockblock.
I'm always very skeptical when a friend tries to set me up and the girl sounds too good to be true. Oh she's hot, funny, rich, great in bed AND loves sports? Sounds great. Can't wait to meet her parents, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
I hate going to dinner with friends who pinch every penny. I know I got an extra beer but why can't we just split it like normal people...I'd almost rather pay the bill myself you cheap fucks.
I'm not a fast man, but when I hear the words, "last call," I can run like the wind.
"Sure, I'm only dating him for his money but that doesn't make me a whore." Actually, it's worse, it makes you a whore on retainer.
Hey asshole, just because you drive a Toyota Prius doesn't mean you're single handedly saving the world from global warming. Get that smug look off your face.
Ari Gold sleeping on the couch? He doesn't have a fucking guest room?
It was always easy to classify kids based on the board games they played. The smart kids played Monopoly, Risk or Stratego...and the dumbasses played Hungry Hungry Hippo.
I'm pretty sure that if I heard my own phone voice I would make fun of me mercilessly.
I have no problem paying for shipping...it's the handling fee that really pisses me off.
I have a gay cousin that hadn't come out to his parents yet. I tried to tell him, if he was still trying to assert his heterosexuality then Milk was a bad choice for family movie night.
I can't remember the last time I didn't have at least one bottle of vodka in my freezer, one six pack of beer in my fridge, and one bottle of scotch on my kitchen counter. I don't think that makes me an alcoholic though, it just makes me prepared.
I have a buddy who's approaching 30 and is depressed about how little he's accomplished up to this point. Dude, cheer up, at least you're not a dog...then you'd be a 210 year old failure.
I just met a speech therapist with a lisp. Really? That's like a fat personal trainer or a bald barber. Seriously, if you can't get your shit together, how do you expect to get paid?
As the number of $1 bills in my wallet increases, so does the likelihood that I'll be going to a strip club.
I wonder if the creators of the douche realized that their product name would become one of the great insults of our time.
I am always surprised to see so many people walking around hungover on the weekends. Don't they know all it takes to be good as new is 3 Advil and a big bottle of water? It's the breakfast of champions....Wheaties my ass.
"I'll have a vodka tonic." "Any vodka preference?" "Eh, whatever." Now tell me that if I launch Whatever Vodka, I won't make millions...Patent pending.
People are always telling me how great it is to swim with dolphins. No thanks. I know they're supposed to be very friendly but with my luck, I'll run into the one angry dolphin in the ocean and I'll just wind up swimming with the fishes.
I wonder how many important work emails get blocked if your name is Dick.
Two days ago, I nailed my roommate with a water balloon, waking him up. He escalated the next morning by putting thumbtacks face up at the foot of my bed. Now we're in an all out prank war. Let the arms race begin!
Sorry, you seem like a very nice, normal person but that is all canceled out by the fact that you clothe your dog.
I've been drinking so heavily lately that I'm thinking about inviting family and friends to my own intervention.
Normally I like pretty standard foods but when I drink heavily I get cravings like a pregnant woman. Tuna and strawberry sandwich? Don't mind if I do.
Last night, a buddy of mine said he drinks like it's his religion. If that's a religion then just call me Pope Pelc I.
I was thinking about switching to Verizon, but who the fuck wants a million people following you around everywhere?
The whole mermaid fantasy made a lot more sense in high school. It's not their fault or anything but now they just seem prude to me.
I imagine hell to be a lot like today is: Stuck in the office on a beautiful Monday with the clock seemingly not moving...only much much hotter.
If you don't like a buddy's girlfriend, you only have a certain amount of time to tell him so before it's too late. After a few months, he won't listen to you because he's in too deep.
We already have mustard gas, pepper spray, and napalm jelly...It's only a matter of time before someone comes up with a weaponized version of ketchup.
Hey, guy who asked a question after the office fire drill: If this were the real thing, it would be total and utter chaos. Any question you ask about what we just did is totally irrelevant. Now let me go back to my desk so I can waste my own time.
After a treadmill run, I'm usually really happy with the amount of calories I burned...until I realize it's only about a quarter of the calories I consumed in alcohol the night before.
I was watching tennis at a well air-conditioned bar yesterday sitting next to a dude who was sweating more profusely than the players. Exercise much?
Everything a single guy does, he does to get laid.
Roger may have won the match, but Roddick took the highly coveted 'hotter wife' title in a landslide.
One of the best things about holiday weekends is that you get to treat Thursday likes it's a Friday...Liquid lunch anyone?
A buddy of mine who lives in Green Bay told me he routinely sees dudes walking around in public wearing cheeseheads, even during the football off-season. In normal states, people who give up just put on a pair of sweatpants. Only in Wisconsin!
I'm not lazy, I just only like to do things that I'm good at. Unfortunately, I'm not good at all that many things so it makes me appear lazy.
Drinking heavily on a Sunday always seems like a good idea...and then Monday comes along and reminds you that it isn't.
If media coverage is any indication, apparently MJ's death ended the crisis in Iran.
Is there anything less genuine than asking a sick friend if he or she 'needs anything?'
I love how it's become totally acceptable to say things like 'long time no see' or 'where you at?' It's better to sound like a moron than a loser that says things like 'it has been a while since I have seen you' or 'where are you at the moment?'
As good as it is getting good weather when you're expecting shitty weather, it's infinitely worse getting shitty weather when you're expecting good weather. Either way, meteorologists suck.
I'm not a big acronym guy but I sometimes use GFY, for 'go fuck yourself.' Someone pointed out to me that it could also stand for 'good for you.' Dude, if you use that acronym to mean 'good for you,' then seriously, GFY.
Don't get me wrong, I plan on being as progressive a parent as the next guy but aren't some of the stories from How I Met Your Mother a little inappropriate for kids that age?
Just saw a cab with the number 'H1N1' on top...No thanks buddy, I'll take the next one.
I think I'd get away with a lot more mischief if I kept a package of Mentos on me at all times.
I'm running a half marathon in a couple of months and I'm trying to cut down on booze while I'm in training. I'm having a lot of trouble with it though because I really suck at running and I'm really really good at drinking.
Paris Hilton breaks up with her boyfriend and asks that we all respect her privacy. I never thought I'd read the terms 'Paris Hilton,' 'respect' and 'privacy' in the same sentence, but there you have it.
I think the man who discovered that temperature can be taken orally instead of rectally doesn't get enough credit.
I have this weird quirk where I have to be able to relate to the title of a movie in order to go out and see it. So, while I won't be seeing 'Star Trek' and 'Land of the Lost' any time soon, I am preparing for multiple viewings of 'The Hangover'
Thanks to Facebook and Google, there's no such thing as blind dates anymore.
The irony of joke shops is that there's nothing funny in there.
If weekdays were people then Monday would be a huge douche.
Anyone who used the term 'pwned' is getting pwned by life.
Just saw a guy in a suit checking all the subway pay phone slots for quarters. Instead of reacting to the scene of a well dressed man scrounging for change, I was shocked by the realization that pay phones still exist.
I'm probably just jealous but I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants go back to junior high and beat the shit out of these spelling bee kids.
Over the course of my life, I've done much more damage to myself and others drunk dialing and texting than I have drunk driving.
Is it possible to feel bad for a website? Every once in a while I get a message from Friendster and I find it so adorably pathetic that I can't bring myself to finally erase my account.
I freakin hate people who use Facebook and Twitter to tell me their political beliefs...especially when I don't agree with those beliefs.
I was at a buddy's wedding last night and I could've sworn I saw the angel on the his right shoulder killing the devil on his left shoulder, officially making him boring as fuck.
I often worry about what would happen to me if I get into a fight and my mom gets scared. I don't have an any family in Bel Air to save me...Will was lucky.
I imagine that if my organs were capable of feelings, my liver would want to beat the shit out of me. So just in case, I'm gonna keep doing my best to weaken it.
If I had a nickel for every time I came in to work hungover I wouldn't have to work anymore.
The life of a pizza delivery guy is like a porn movie...minus the sex
I had been struggling with where to rank 'World of Warcraft players' on my uncool list. I finally settled on right above 'Dungeons and Dragons players' and right below 'people who make uncool lists'
Fleet Week in NYC: Time to break out the ole sailor costume and pick up some women...hope nobody asks me what platoon I'm in.
In most life situations, I find myself saying that I'd rather be drunk, but I don't think that makes me an alcoholic...it just makes me a person who WANTS to be an alcoholic.
From the Too Much Information Department: Just to be friendly, I asked a limping coworker who I barely know if he was ok and he said, "Yeah I'm fine, just getting over a vasectomy." He wasn't kidding......whoa.
I would NEVER hit a woman, but I don't think I've ever come closer to doing so than when I found out that the woman in my office who jokes about someone's "case of the Mondays" on a weekly basis has never even seen Office Space.
The sadist in me wants to spend the day on crowded subways, speaking loudly of my recent trip to Mexico City and coughing intermittently.
pelc327 is a fan of...
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