Ruminations
Buying condoms always made me feel embarrassed and creepy when I was a teenager. Now, buying "hand" lotion makes me feel embarrassed and creepy.
1 
If a glass of milk gets left out on my desk over night, it has obviously gone bad. But if the milk is in a cup of coffee that's two days old, it's perfectly fine to drink it.
As proficient as I've gotten at undoing a bra without looking, putting one back on is just impossible.
"Sleeping over" at a friend's house quickly became "crashing" at a friend's place once we all started drinking.
Nieces and nephews of mine: You will not start to receive birthday gifts from me until I consider you to be a real person with legitimate interests. This will happen around the age of 20.
Who spits anymore? Seriously. What is this, middle school? Grow up, ladies.
I hate when Americans say "ciao" instead of saying "goodbye." You're not cultured. Shut up.
Yoga is not exercise. It is extreme stretching for hippies. Go for a run for your fat asses' sake.
There should be two lines in every coffee shop: One for people who are nonchalantly getting coffee and those of us who are already thirteen minutes late for work.
Valentine's day is the one day a year that women are actually more romantically and sexually desperate than men.
I bet everyone hated the guy who invented clapping. You couldn't just tell me you liked my cave painting? You had to start slapping two appendages together over and over again?
A sign of getting old is losing the ability to tell the difference between a good story to tell at dinner and your insignificant experience that only you found interesting in 1932.
Fuck you, Megavideo for 1. not letting me finish watching this tv show and 2. rubbing the fact that I've watched 72 minutes of garbage television in my face.
At this point, having a recap of the last episode at the beginning of a show is pointless. If I missed the airing last week, I've watched it online already. Thanks anyway.
Whenever I find out that an ex-girlfriend gets engaged, my gut reaction is that now is my last chance to get her back.
Sure, women can pretend that they had an orgasm...but I can pretend just as well that I didn't.
When you sleep with someone you really like and their scent lingers in your bed, it's the greatest thing ever. When you sleep with a mistake, it's the most disgusting thing you've ever smelled and those sheets are gettin' washed asap.
I wonder if people notice and find it odd that I always look a little bit better after coming back from the bathroom.
The worst part of wearing a suit is that I have nowhere to wipe my hands.
You know what's worse than sleeping on a leather couch? Absolutely nothing.
I just realized last night that even though Ariel couldn't talk, she could have just written everything down for Prince Eric. My mind is blown.
I never realize how hard I chew gum until I bite my tongue.
Even if Purell kills all the germs on my hands, I still have gross stickiness all over them.
How have I never met anyone who was on a Nickelodeon show in the 90's?
If you're wearing a Hawaiian shirt I will assume you work at Trader Joes. And if you don't, I will know you're an idiot.
I don't need to go to the gym today if I had sex last night.
I wish I could do my laundry like I do my dishes: One item at a time as I need it.
If I'm on the phone in public and the person hangs up before I'm done saying goodbye, I will finish my goodbye so as not to look like a fool.
Fuck Wheaties. Morning sex is the real breakfast of champions.
After unplugging my ipod without ejecting it "properly" countless times, I am convinced that nothing bad actually happens.
After literally thousands of times of me saying, "oh man! you haven't seen that video?!?" I can now type "youtube.com" at lightning fucking speed.
Even though I'm only 22, whenever I start dating someone, I always question how well they'll age.
If I get one slow motion entrance in my life I can die happy.
Fuck all these electronic toys kids have these days. My kids are getting rocks, sticks, and a cardboard box to play with.
On weekend mornings, I will stay in bed until I absolutely cannot hold it in any longer.
I want to someday get into a cab and tell them to follow a random car.
I love when "we should hang out sometime" means that we're going to have sex sometime.
I hate that facebook now tells me about events that have already happened and that 17 of my friends attended. Great, I'm glad you assholes had fun and didn't call me.
Do all offices just have boxes lying around for people to put their things in when they get fired?
Nothing is better than realizing it's Saturday when you thought it was Sunday.
Remember when computers were fun and useful without the internet?
I hate getting a "Lost Phone! Need Numbers!" invite from someone that never had my number in the first place.
Supporting a "Cause" on Facebook does absolutely nothing for that cause and I don't feel guilty ignoring your incessant invites, you do-gooder fuck.
It used to be that I would be flattered when someone thought that I was older than i really was. My, how times have changed....
If I was to really "live each day as if it was my last," I would be really fucking depressed every single day of my life.
I have never actually encountered a bartender who would stand there cleaning glasses while I bitch about my problems. I really need to find one...
It's really off-putting when I actually like a gift from my grandparents.
When you drink a lot, hindsight is absolutely not 20/20.
Where on earth does a car horn's sound actually come out of?
Last night when I was very drunk, I fell into the toilet because I didn't notice that the seat wasn't down. Ladies, I now feel your pain and I'm sorry for never putting the seat down.
How do people not notice when their ass is hanging out of the top of their pants?
When has a chain link fence ever stopped anyone under 30 from doing anything?
If I ask you what day it is, and you reply, "well, it's technically sunday because it's after midnight!" you deserve to get dragged out in the street and shot.
I have realized that I haven't actually become mature over the years. I'm just too exhausted from my life to act like an idiot like i used to.
Sometimes getting that single piece of pasta out of the pot to see if it's done is just impossible.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with myself once I watch every episode of whatever TV series I'm currently addicted to?
It's really satisfying when I'm on my way to a meeting and my phone's calendar reminds me to go to the meeting. That's right, phone, I'm more responsible than you think.
No one, and I mean no one, can actually do a proper Christopher Walken impression.
As a Jewish father, am I expected to make my children believe in Santa Claus so that they won't ruin it for their friends?
It's infuriating when someone younger than me is better than me at anything.
At what point in my life am I supposed to start wearing real pajama outfits to bed instead of just stripping down to my boxers?
Why is it considered to be clean after you've used your saliva to wipe off the smudge?
Actually driving the speed limit feels absolutely ridiculous.
What the fuck did I do on Friday nights when I was in elementary school?
I don't care how cute the bears are in the Charmin toilet paper commercials are. I still can't stand that their insinuations make me think about wiping up bear shit.
Does being ridiculous looking make hybrid cars more fuel efficient?
From a guy's perspective, sex is dick finding home.
I wonder if I'll ever grow out of saying 'dude' and 'man.'
The past tense of the verb 'to tweet' is "twaught."
Someday it will become socially acceptable to ask someone out over the internet. I can't wait. I'm really awkward.
It is so relieving after a day of wearing my glasses instead of contacts, when I realize that I don't have to take my contacts out before bed.
If I was half as productive throughout the semester as I am during finals week, I wouldn't have to be so productive during finals week.
If you think about it, walking down a flight of stairs is really just regulated falling.
I've really taken the phrase, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" to heart. Yeah, I don't talk much...
I honestly learned the word 'sporadic' from the movie Clueless.
It's almost impossible to find appropriate sex music without being cliche.
Just because we have one class together doesn't mean I'm always going to say 'Hi' to you every time I see you around campus.
I think hipsters deliberately dress to make themselves look ridiculous.
Guy movies are just as unrealistic as chick flicks.
I have never ever eaten that superfluous piece of lettuce that people sometimes serve the real food on.
Sustaining injuries from sex is both embarrassing and awesome.
Getting out of bed to find a condom and put it on is the least sexy part of sex.
Even when I have food to cook, if I don't have any clean dishes, you know I'm goin' out to eat.
I hope to someday be able to move my hands so fast that they'll make that swishing sound like in kung-fu movies. That would be awesome.
I will never trust anyone who eats pizza with a fork and knife...its pizza for god's sake!
I will down a quart of ice cream in 45 minutes despite my severe lactose intolerance. Totally worth it.
To the girls I date:
How clean my apartment when you come over directly reflects how much I like you.
I will never know if I look better with or without my glasses on. The A/B process would be impossible.
I'm sorry girl-that-I-have-a-crush-on, I'm only awkward around you because I've looked at all 372 pictures of you on facebook and know all of your favorite movies and am therefore searching for the right time to bring one of them up in conversation.
The only good thing about daylight savings is that I can wake up at 4:27pm and still have a couple hours of sunlight to enjoy.
No matter what I tell you, I'm probably not going to read whatever book you just recommended to me.
You know you've gotten old and fat when you actually consider walking to be a form of exercise.
I'm tired of my male friends complaining about how stupid girls are. I'm also tired of my female friends complaining about how stupid guys are. PEOPLE are stupid, deal with it.
How do i tell if the girl i have a crush on is actually into me or if she's just extremely outgoing?
I am just as good as Kevin Garnett when it comes to making three pointers with tissue paper from my desk chair....it just takes practice, kids.
I honestly don't know which looks worse: a giant white headed zit, or a giant red splotch on my face...to pop or not to pop?
If I actually got to have sex every time I expected to have sex, I would always be very tired and sore.
A sign that you've become a stable adult is when you go to the gas station, you actually fill your gas tank all the way up instead of putting in $5 at a time.
Nothing is more frustrating than brushing your teeth and then realizing you've never been more hungry.
I do not give a fuck about how many triangles there are, you bullshit IQ test.
It is time for me to consider cutting back on my drinking when I not only don't know the girl that I brought home, but I also don't know who's shoes and jacket I wore home.
I am honestly considering committing a felony so I can get out of jury duty.
When I'm driving, I hate everyone who's walking across the street and getting in my way. When I'm walking, I hate every car that doesn't let me cross the street. So I basically hate everyone at some point in time.
Ladies please, guys do not enjoy dry humping like you do. So stop. It hurts.
Almost all Tom Cruise movies could be names of sex positions...Mission Impossible? Cocktail? Risky Business? Yeah.
My neighbor and I were just gossiping about the loud sex that we both heard on our floor last night. I didn't tell her that it was me. I also didn't tell her it was me watching porn.
I know that in order to make my own website, I need to buy a domain name...but where do i buy one? Do the people who own the internet have a phone number? Or better yet, a website?
When I run into an acquaintance, I loathe the moment in which we both silently decide whether or not we're going to stay and chat with each other.
If I were to tackle someone out of the way of a speeding vehicle but the vehicle miraculously stopped in time, I'd feel like a real jackass.
I met a girl today who not only looked like she was 12 and had braces but was also pregnant. Completely unacceptable.
Why the fuck do babies enjoy being thrown in the air? Can you imagine how terrifying it would be if a giant repeatedly tossed you above their head?
I'm used to girls liking me and then taking their clothes of. I'm also used to girls not giving me the time of day. Strip clubs provide a really peculiar medium that just irks me.
A tongue piercing is like a tramp stamp for your face.
If I could go one full week without drinking, I'd buy myself a handle to celebrate.
How the fuck do you type a heart?! I see no 'heart' key on my keyboard. Is this some keyboard shortcut that every girl knows about that guys just weren't informed of?
I feel bad for all those girls who got tramp stamps back in the 90's before it meant you were a whore.
When I'm in a bad mood, half of me wants to list all my troubles when someone asks what's wrong. The other half wants to be a mysterious badass who don't need no help from no one.
It worries me that a bunch of my friends who party harder than motley crue could possibly be my doctors someday.
My Spanish-speaking super installed all of my faucets backwards, obviously thinking that 'C' stands for 'Caliente.' I just wonder what he thought the 'H' stands for...
I only use the phrase, "Fair enough" when I don't really know how to respond.
I only feel scared in the ghetto parts of other cities. For some reason I feel like I could say to the huge guy trying to mug me, "No no, I'm from here."
At concerts, why on earth do some people feel the need to sing the lyrics of songs AT each other while the band is playing right in front of them? Congrats, you just paid ten bucks to sing at your best friend.
God I wish my very own Mr. Miagi back in high school...although I probably wouldn't have put up with his ass-backwards teaching method. Wash your own damn cars, old man.
The best thing about Pringles is that if you drop one, only a tiny percentage of it actually touches the floor. Five second rule? Nah, try the "if I remember when I dropped it" rule.
I hate valentines day but not for the usual reasons, but because everyone assumes that I'm unfortunate for not having someone to spend the "special day" with. When in reality, I want to be getting laid just as much on any other day of the year.
I think everyone should have to wear a shirt displaying whether or not they're single during the first week of classes. That way I'd be able to plan out which days I need to shower.
It's never really attractive people who sit in front of their computers taking endless pictures of themselves with photobooth.
i hate when people ask me 'how my apartment's doing.' uh...he's been pretty depressed because of how much shit i store inside of him.
i love how all diet pills and miracle diets are all used just to avoid actually having to be a healthy person.
i don't understand the whole "spring break in cancun!!!!" thing. college students already get shit faced and make awful decisions. they really need a week to be set aside to act like even bigger jackasses?
my friend just asked me to come see her in a 5k race. i really don't see the point. i'll stand there for far too long, then she'll run by in a total of 7 seconds. then what?!
its really a disgustingly low fraction when i put the number of women i've cared about over the number of women i've slept with...
i dont see the point in brushing my teeth in the morning. within 10 minutes i will eat, drink coffee and smoke a cigarette...and will be doing all of those things all day.
I hate when people who consider themselves to be "vocalists" always feel the need to sing everything they sing with their proper singing voice. chill out for god's sake, you're singing happy birthday!
when your friend's band sucks, the best way to avoid telling them that when they ask how you liked it is by saying, "yeh yeh, i had a lot of fun"
why is it that when a girl stops calling me after a few dates, i must of done something wrong...but when i stop calling a girl after a few dates, im an asshole?
i don't know which would be better: to be a celebrity whose career has faded away but the paparazzi still follows around, or a failed celebrity who nobody cares about anymore.
i'm scared to get an iphone. i cant imagine being online for a single second more than i already am.
moozgit is a fan of...
Fans of moozgit
-
yael24 -
awesomedude -
LindsaySimon -
hamadifa -
stellina -
alicia
-
sarah2004i -
sashasweety -
kristynshields -
daffydog47
-
appletastic
-
bethgoldstein -
yocalu -
trinijay -
caviar32
-
chickad007
-
lomesir22 -
pelc327 -
udkyle8 -
pecas7 -
StephBone -
mapgirl -
hok8ie -
MikeMcCarthy -
SlightlyFlustered -
TaraB33 -
alligsu
-
lindsay -
malarky -
DrDetox
-
NoPhE4R
-
virj42 -
snarkolepsy -
sky1290
-
aaron9287 -
randyfitz -
kristin -
butta99 -
mangotango82
-
rainskb -
alterego -
RidethePiggy -
NoooooYouuuuu
