Ruminations
For a long time I thought being in a movie with Ashton Kutcher was what really killed Bernie Mac.
2 
I did far more to support Team Coco than I have for the people of Haiti.
One of the things I hate most about hangovers is that I become the douchebag that wears his sunglasses in the store.
I'm convinced that happily married men are afflicted with something similar to Stockholm syndrome.
Charlie Sheen's character on Two and a Half Men is basically just a poor man's version of Hank Moody.
After a night of heavy drinking, I'd much rather deal with the STD paranoia of waking up next to a stranger than the panic of waking up next to an ex.
I don't think I'd be too freaked out if I got a girl pregnant, but that's mostly because I finally got a passport.
I had to put my dog down this week, unfortunately, I was too emotional to realize that if I kept his remains I could've had one kick-ass Halloween decoration.
I don't know what I dislike more: babies or uteruses.
I'm always a bit nervous when a round of make up sex starts off with a BJ.
Am I the only one that thinks some frat boy teabagging his passed out friend is awfully close to being some kind of man-on-man sexual assault?
You know you're in for a lame joke if it begins with, "Remember when." There's nothing worse than those.
If I could find the G-spot even half as easily as I can the snooze button, I would probably never go to bed alone.
My cricket body count would be much lower if they would just stay still when I'm trying to be nice and do a catch and release, but no those fuckers have to keep hopping around until I get frustrated, and then it's death by flip-flop.
Married friends, I don't mind if you need to crash at my house after getting into a fight with your wife, but you should call first because when you drunkenly fumble around with my door at 2AM I almost nunchucked you.
I think of blackouts as a parting gift from alcohol. It's like the booze is saying, "Hey pal, I know memories of puking on yourself and making out with that he/she could screw with your self-image so just lie down on the floor and I'll handle it."
If I'm sober and walk into a door then I shrug off my clumsiness and move on, but if this happens when I'm drunk then that fucker is trying to start some shit and I'm going to stare it down while asking, "You eyeballing me, punk".
I had a dream that I was a dad holding my baby boy for the first time and all I could think was, "If I drop this fucker on his head I wonder if they'll buy that it was an accident." So yeah, I guess it's time to start saving up for that vasectomy.
When I'm watching Entourage and start to get really jealous of the lifestyle that's shown, I can always make myself feel better by thinking about how frustrating it must be for a mediocre actor to be playing the kind of movie star he will never be.
There are certain celebrities that I hope to never run into due to the criminal charges that would follow.
I have condoms throughout my house so that any spontaneous moments won't be ruined. Well, a girl I just started dating opened the wrong drawer while looking for a spoon and instead of admiring my foresight now thinks I'm a huge man-whore.
I hate it when friends invite me to dinner and then let their kids help with the meal. I stare in horror as their gross little kid hands touch whatever food my sadistic friends expect me to eat. There's no way in hell I'm putting that in my mouth.
I dream of opening a steak house where we kick anyone out that orders a steak cooked over medium or asks for A1.
I started to watch WALL-E the other day, but it just aggravated me. Come on now, Pixar, did you really think I wouldn't recognize Johnny 5 when I saw him?
If the one-night stand you knocked up asks what you want the baby to be, apparently "stillborn" is not an acceptable answer.
Fourth of July weekend and there wasn't one showing of The Patriot. What the fuck, TNT?
I'm browsing the internet on my phone because I'm too lazy to walk the 20 feet to my computer. I can't decide if this means that I really need that new gym membership or if it's a huge waste of money.
The first time I went home with two girls one of them told me she had the herp and the other one was allergic to latex. That night wasn't nearly as gratifying as I thought it would be.
My life would be a lot simpler if crazy women weren't so much fun in bed.
I don't mean to kibitz, but if you come to the park to run one fricking mile you probably don't need a damn utility belt with your iPod and three 20oz bottles of water.
I got up at 5AM to cut the grass not because I had to go to work this morning, but as a retaliatory strike in the ongoing neighbor wars.
Oh, Colgate Wisp, you were such a wonderful new addition to my car's in-case-of-vomit kit this weekend.
I always feel good when I walk into a bar and the staff knows my name, but it kinda sucks when it happens at the free clinic.
Since losing my job I've gone back to bartending. This means that I'm once again drinking far too much, sleeping most of the day, and occasionally hooking up with college girls. I can't decide if I hate this economic crisis or love it.
No, I don't want to see pictures of your kid. I get that you think she's adorable, but to me babies are just a terrifying consequence of sex. You might as well be asking if I want to see pictures of your herpes sore.
The best/worst prank I ever pulled was when I was in high school and gave my friend a package of condoms that had been recalled by the company.
I spend an inordinate amount of time during class daydreaming about punching my professor in the face.
I think the process of my maturation can be tracked by my go-to drink. For a long time the standard was a Jack & Coke, then for a few years it was Jack & water, now it's just Jack & ice. I was explaining this to a friend and he said, "Yeah, I think that just shows the progression of your alcoholism more than maturity."
I saw that Pretty Woman was on the other day and it made me remember all the flak that movie caught for giving girls unrealistic expectations and promoting prostitution to them. Screw that! What about the unrealistic expectations it gave to boys that watched the movie. I've lived in a number of bad neighborhoods and never once seen a really hot streetwalker.
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