Ruminations
Whoever butterflies have doing their PR is a master manipulator. Ever see one of those things up close in real life? Fuckin' gross!
2 
Glossing over info you didn't expect to hear is dicey sometimes... "So why did you move here from Arizona?..Oh you just got out of prison...That's cool...so do you like the weather here better?
I'm always surprised when I go back to a fast food place and the same person still works there...as if they are making a career out of that gig.
If the boyfriend is taking you out on the 13th rather than the 14th because he has work/study/plans he can't break....you're mistress.
There is just something creepy about a guy on webcam regardless of the situation.
If someone tells you that you don't satisfy them in bed rest assured that you are the last in a long line of people who have already been alerted to this.
I know that there are more pressing decisions in life but I still don't know which I could give up for the rest of my life between cheese or blowjobs.
Creepy is usually a male trait and bitchy is for women. When you meet a bitchy man or a creepy woman however that is some fucked up dynamics.
I'm always skeptical of the supposed eloquence of historical figures during times of crisis. I can't prove it but I am pretty sure instead of "Et tu, Brute" Caesar uttered something closer to "Sonofabitch!! you wanna go? Do you know who I am"?
Once the curtain is peeled back I won't be surprised to find out that behind the "post your bra color" on facebook scheme is a brace faced pimply teen giggling his ass off from his friends basement computer room/World of Warcraft HQ.
Having had to send out thank you cards recently I now realize the major difference between knowing where someone lives and knowing what their address is.
Fourth of July is officially on the six month countdown today. Bring It!
Solution to airport security mishaps: Everyone is issued a hospital gown at check in to wear on the flight. Believe me the awkwardness of trying to keep the strings tied so that your ass isn't hanging out cuts into the chances of someone being shady.
The best part about having two sons instead of daughters? I only have to worry about two dicks in town instead of all of them.
There is no greater pain in the ass than someone who claims that their birthday is not a big deal to them when it really is.
If a part of the healthcare bill is that the doors in bar bathrooms have to open outwards I would be eternally grateful.... oh and hand sanitizer on the subway.. ok thanks.
If I cut gossipping, complaining, exaggeration, and food talk out of my daily conversations I'd be damn near mute.
More helpful than ratings based on sex and violence is a listing of conversation topics in movies. Then I wouldn't be in an awkward scenario with the person on my couch I'm now avoiding eye contact with so an argument doesn't start.
Based on the surprising girth of the trainers I feel that my gym has fully embraced the concept of "those who can't do, teach"
When I hear someone's name I can usually narrow down their age to within a few years... Skyy and Wilder - little shits, Justin and Amanda - grad students, Kathy and Mark - soccer parents, Dick and Peg - Memorial service to be held on Tuesday
Turns out that when its time to file a claim the Geico lizard is neither well mannered or British.
Never has the pronunciation of a word matched its definition like the word peon.
You know the friend who is always promoting something in every email, conversation, or interaction? Yeah... I'm starting to hate that guy.
I hate the person in the group who is so honest they won't even tell a harmless white lie to protect a surprise party. I'm sure this minor transgression won't keep you out of heaven... lighten up Fucker!
Whenever I run a virus scan I get way too excited over the number of infected files ...as if its a good thing to beat the previous high score.
Mississippi...the state with the lowest literacy rate is the hardest to spell. Just can't catch a fucking break can they?
News would be more interesting if the anchors were real... "The economy sucks, 294 motherfuckers got laid off today, the football team got their asses kicked and didn't cover the spread...assholes, and it's gonna fucking rain tomorrow", Film at 11.
I remember when I was younger and I'd hear someone worked at a big company, I would be impressed and think that they made a lot of money and were successful...ignorance was bliss.
I find it refreshing to be called out instead of playing the game because let's face it, I did get your text and/or I never left you a message.
If someone came up with a waterproof laptop I'd never come out of the shower.
I hate these new pop ups that disguise the close button so you cant find it right away forcing you to read them ...fucking techies.
Why won't you accept my expired license as an ID? The card expired...not my identity.
Seeing someone else's browser history can make you never want to touch their keyboard again...or sit on their couch.
I have an irrational fear of leaving a less than 20% tip even when service is bad...as if the waiter is going to chase me down and start a fight on my way out.
NEVER start a conversation with the guy who is always at the gym no matter what time of day or night you go.
So wait...you're going to tell me about all the stuff you bought or ordered... how about a couple sentences about the money you owe me and when you are paying me back?
No I don't want to use the self checkout store manager, get the fuck away from me!
Even with Friday off I still feel somehow cheated that the 4th is on a weekend day
Just once I would love to hear a pro athlete say what they really mean.. " I make millions of dollars because that's what my job pays, just like yours pays what it pays, deal with it"
I don't care what anyone says...years were longer in the past.
Ladies...if you respond positively, we were flirting, unless you or our girlfriend gets upset...then we were just joking around.
If you are considering wearing a bandanna to a night out at the bars...don't.
If "Happy Days" was real life today Potsie would get all the chicks and Fonzie would be a total douchebag
Yes I am aware you apologized... that does not mean that I am not still pissed off by whatever you did.
Its creepy to know that because women tell their boyfriends tales of their friends sexcapades Johnny D Bag over there knows a lot more about your girlfriends previous skanky doings than you ever will.
Afternoon soaps would get better ratings with penetration.
Is there any doubt surgery will be available at Walmart any day now?
Every group of friends has the one who is quick with the sarcasm, a wine snob, and seemingly always in a running battle with a co-worker. This person is also known as the single one.
I was fine ten seconds ago so what is it about putting my keys in the door that turns me into a dude about to piss myself doing a duckwalk trying to painfully hold it in while my zipper and toilet seat conspire against me?
I can't stand it when people who work the counter at fast food places give me attitude because well... I'm better than you.
After driving by a place with a neon sign advertising "Live Nude Girls" I have to question why the need to emphasize "Live". Is there an aftermarket for the alternative?
And one person, namely me, doesn't give a rats furry friggin' ass about your bullshit stats Sprint.
Sometimes after I masturbate even I want me to go away.
Famous last words - Yoga class? Sure. How hard can that be?
The older I get the more bad ass my stories of younger me become. By the time I'm 65 I may take credit for inventing the orgasm.
For once I'd like to meet someone in person for the first time after talking to them on the phone and think that they are WAY better looking than I imagined.
Whats up with cab drivers honking at us when we are walking alone? If I needed a cab I would be looking for and frantically waving you down upon sight and not creepy staring at the chicks ass in front of me for the last two blocks.
If someone tells you that they hate drama be forewarned that is codespeak for "we will end up embroiled in situations only found in Lifetime movies and Dateline NBC specials".
Cops wearing shorts and riding a bicycle don't make me feel safer at all.
Why is it that the people who always claim to be crazy busy at work, at home, and just life in general are the ones who never get anything done?
I see you over there trying to not fall over while sending a text due to your pants being tucked into your shoes. I'm going to suggest you sit out the next round of shots though sweetheart.
One of the very few drawbacks of warm weather is outdoor douchebags.
Waking up in a strange place and not knowing where I am usually has a good story to go with it. Waking up in my own bed and not knowing where I am means a possible summons and a fine plus court costs.
I'm all for progress, it's change I can't fucking stand.
Not sure why but I always feel embarrassed for people who are prank phone called on the radio.
I know the names of the people and businesses change but has there been really anything new in the news over the last 20 years?
If four guys have to cobble six credit cards and $37 in cash together to pay for bottle service at the end of the night, you are not "ballin'" my friends.
I often wonder what goes through women's heads in that quick span of time where we go from handsome and dashing in a perfectly tailored suit and shirt to a dork in a stained white tshirt, one size too big boxers, and black dress socks over our calves standing at the end of the bed with a hard on.
Shouldn't chickens be on the endangered species list by now?
There are so many things I haggle over internally that are good for me i.e $20 for the gym, $35 on a shirt, etc. yet I have no qualms about spending $100 at a bar on a Tuesday night with nothing to show for it the next day but expensive piss.
There is nothing worse than finding out critical information that you can't use because you found out by reading it in someones diary.
Before a woman even goes out she knows if she is getting laid or not that night.
If you think you never photograph well I'm gonna have to go ahead and burst your bubble. You're ugly.
I just don't understand how something as good as a night of sleep turns an otherwise attractive, well dressed, and beatifully scented individual into a tousled hair, dried drool having, bad breath monster.
So wait...all I had to do was record the last conversation with my roomates add ringtone music and instant hit? I owe you an ass kicking Asher Roth.
What is it about a guy with his hands in his jacket pockets that makes him seem suspicious to everyone else?
When discussing an unattractive guy: "He was so rude...I felt uncomfortable, I'm thinking about filing a report.
Attractive guy, same situation:"He's so witty and outgoing. I hope he likes the way I give head".
If a woman mentions her boyfriend at her first opportunity in conversation upon meeting...she's just not that into you.
Having the landlady live on the first floor is great when things need to be fixed. Its not so great when I'm late with the rent and have to sneak past her place with groceries though.
No judgment but fourteen children is a whole damn lot of kids..like a softball team plus the guys from IT who never play.
Seriously How is it possible to never hear or hear of the record of the year before it won a Grammy?
You can lose the attitude babe. You work retail. In this store. I'm pretty sure you can't afford to buy anything here either.
Are steroids in sports really that big of a deal to anyone other than sports reporters and journalists?
Having found out that the "girlfriend" from the Jim Beam commercial is really Australian I feel cheated somehow...as if before I had a better shot.
Denny's free grand slam from 6 am to 2pm today? Based on the average Denny's client...what a shitshow that's going to be.
Unscientific sampling I know but everytime I read or hear about a financially successfully younger person there is always a big break they try to diminish "Oh your dad is the King of Scotland? Got it" "Your grandmother invented the color blue? I hear you" That didn't help you at all.
There should be a name for the bullshit set of directions you give to strangers knowing that you will never see them again which nonetheless gets them down the road where they can ask someone else who has a clue.
A flock of geese can take down a plane? Since when... I assumed feathers and beaks would be all that's left after flying into an engine. I salute you Canadian Geese.
Nothing puts a damper on finding that hottie hellcat from college on Facebook faster than getting a message back from her saying that she'd love to catch up in a month or so but she just came home from the hospital with her newborn son..3 days ago...with pictures.
It's an Angry Whopper on the way out that's for sure.
There is nothing good related to using ointment.
Facebook feels like I have signed up for a part time job in diplomacy with people I haven't thought about in years...if ever.
When in Rome do as the Romans do. When in America... walk on the fucking right!
Why is it so inexpensive to eat food that is no good for me?
I am all for it but considering all the potential repercussions.. how is alcohol still a legal product?
One of my life long friends is in a new relationship where he is totally overchicked. She is tall, beautiful, great shape, former All American athlete,..everything he is not. Shamefully I am wondering if he has a lot of money I just don't know about.
You're the one repeating an urban legend as a story that happened to some acquaintance of a friend/relative. So when I call you on it now I'm the asshole?
To my friends who get all emotional about why a tv or movie character did or didn't do something...it's in the script that way...thats why.
Sure I enjoyed hooking up with you last night having just met you earlier but here is a better suggestion..YOU go get coffee and I'll stay here and guard my stuff just in case.
Yes ladies, we do measure our penises every so often. Hoping for a gain but praying that there isn't a loss.
Yes it did take me a few days to realize that the "next" cloud on the bottom of the page takes you to page 7 instead of page 2, or the next numerical page. I thought everyone was slacking but then I had some catching up to do.
If you invite me over for dinner I don't want to cook nor do I even want to help you cook. I'm there for the food and entertainment that you implied and I inferred you would provide sans my involvement.
In 5 years, after facebook runs its course, the hot new development in social networking and dating will be to actually go out and meet people.
Seeing as I have yet to meet or hear of someone who has actually paid for porn how does that industry make money to keep churning out the hits?
Much to my chagrin the landlady really only wanted me to help her move a piece of furniture. I think I watch too much porn.
I still haven't learn to hide my stupefied look whenever I meet a reasonably good looking persons unattractive siblings and/or parents.
If you sneak away for an "interlude' with your girlfriend during a family gathering checking the room for a baby monitor first is a great idea....really. So embarrassing.
Some of the sad tales people tell in AA makes you want to buy them a drink.
Just listen to the message I left before you call me back to ask "Whats Up"? Seriously!
I thought all waiters/bartenders knew the rule that if you serve someone who is with a different person than they were with earlier in the week you DO NOT inquire about the previous date...if it is indeed was a date.. which is yet to be hashed out. Damn it man!!!
at $50 billion in wealth and the world population at 6.7 billion...everyone on earth is worth about $7.50 to Warren Buffett. His pimp hand is strong.
I hate it when I stop by a friends place and his girlfriend quick kisses me hello...on the lips. I always wonder if she just finished giving him head.
Ever get the feeling that Brad Pitt wishes he could get a do over on Jen vs Angelina?
If you are asking for advice or my opinion please don't debate me when I reply. I don't have time for this.
You'll never hear a guy over six feet tall claim an extra half inch in height as those who are five nine and a half for example.
You can meet someone you had no idea existed two hours prior, drink up a storm, go home and have filthy raunchy broke porn star sex and be ok with it. Ask her/him how much money they have in the bank before they leave and they get all weirded out?
Had a conversation last night with a woman who in a 15 minute span told me about her thong, spray tan lines, botox, and that she acted/modeled. I put 2+2 together and asked if she was a "dancer". She was not a dancer but she was offended. Where did I go wrong with the info?
Dromedary phalanges is one of the all time great official sounding euphemisms.
I know for we do this to try to keep the numbers down but lets stop the debate. Sugar free gum is still gum. 2% milk is still milk. Oral sex is still sex..it says so right in the name: oral SEX
Has anyone ever had General Gau's (Tsi,Tso,Go,etc) Chicken from two different restaurants prepared the same? No one spells it the same either, the General would not be impressed.
When your s.o. tells you that you are both appearing on a daytime talk show shouldn't you already know that you are going to get really bad news? Why all the surprise and anger?
I played sports in college and belonged to a fraternity. In retrospect hazing, especially having balls dragged across my face, did nothing to enhance my play or social life. I think that portion of the festivities should be eliminated.
I fear for the economy over the next 4 months as Facebook, fantasy football talk, and Ruminations may bring to a halt the work product of major urban centers around the US. The housing crisis and oil prices have nothing on you Karo.
Sephora has to be the worlds greatest untapped resource of hot women just hanging out.
Not sure which fad I want to see die first... big sunglasses on girls (NO chick looks better with them on) or kissy face photos...the bane of social networking sites.
I have to say I didn't think the new "90210" was all that bad. Plotlines need to be tightened up a bit and like the original, some characters were a bit to old looking to be 15, 16......Oh come on, like I was the only one who watched it...Don't front.
If you are in a relationship and your s.o. questions why you are spending so much time with another person "but he/she has a girlfriend/boyfriend" is in no way an excuse. Just because you have Hot Pockets at home doesn't mean you won't eat out sometimes... OK well unfortunate choice of words but you know what I'm saying.
Rappers would save a lot of money if they used debit cards. Daily atm limits would curb makin' it rain real fast.
Lets put to bed once and for all the myth that #1 on smokin hot women list of wants in a guy is that he has a sense of humor and is funny. If that were true then why are there so many portly broke short yet comical guys still single?
Many men stay in relationships not because we don't see the incompatibility or that our friends/family don't care for her it is much simpler than that. We can't bear the thought of her doing or saying the filthy things we do together with someone else. Really.
Ruminations has confirmed my long held suspicion that all day long a lot of us do not much for decent pay. So why the hell are we all so stressed out all the time?
If Extenze pills really worked wouldn't they be a bigger conglomerate than a combined Microsoft/Wal-Mart/Toyota venture by now? I mean software, transportation, and low cost toiletries make the world go round but a larger unit trumps them all.
Why do I sense a wave of "I'm a Chinese gymnast" excuses this fall at bars all over the country with the underage crowd.
You really don't want to think about how, where, and under what circumstances your significant other learned that. Just enjoy it and move on.
Am I the only one who has an issue with my girlfriend receiving relationship advice from her girlfriends who have been single since before Myspace was popular? Its like taking defensive driving lessons from Ray Charles no?
Know what would be gourmet? If at the end of the series "Lost" no solutions were given and no mysteries solved and the creators were like "Well it's called Lost,have you seen any of the shows... what did you expect"?
I get the feeling that political elections would have more participation if you voted for the person you did not want in office. Plus if you lose and 70% of the constituents were against you you could go around town calling everyone a fucker and they wouldn't hold it against you.
If someone came up to you in a bar grabbed your cellphone, scrolled through to see who you knew, browsed your pics, made comments about you,then asked to be your friend you would be weirded out at the least. Why is that -ish ok on facebook and myspace though?
There is a time, an ever moving and fluid time that makes it ok to sum up the recent past in "Things are good, how's it going with you"? We all wait for that time so that we may finally answer the phone call from the friend we've been ducking for weeks because it would take too much time to fill them in on specifics.
Dear graying and /or balding overly hair gelled, forty+something guy at the club. Despite the Affliction shirt, ripped jeans,Livestrong bracelet, Puma's, and overly white teeth... Those girls aren't laughing with you. Stop it. Your teenaged kids would be horrified. That is all.
Had a co worker who got hit by an ambulance while riding his bike. Broke a leg and a wrist. And the answer is yes...they sure did call for another ambulance to scrape him off the pavement and take him to the hospital.
When the girls" meet up for drinks and/or dinner files: I was stunned a few days ago when one, debriefed the others on a first date.They unanimously panned this schmuck because he took her to a nice restaurant, not a 5 star romantic place. Mind you its a restaurant they all agree that they couldn't afford to take themselves to alone. Its like someone complaining about getting a brand new Corolla and free gas for a year when you normally ride the #56 bus! First dates...meet for coffee or take her to a nice Scottish establishment... McDonald's.
Hey Sonic. I live in Boston. Your closest location is in Pennsylvania. I've checked numerous times, like a crackhead looking to sell a toaster. Stop taunting me six times each hour with your Fried Ice Cream and Angus Beef Burgers commercials.You are not America's drive in. Last time I checked New England was in America...some might say we started the whole movement. Damn you... I can't quit you.
Ever been out with the girlfriend and a group of her friends as the only guy? No matter how hot you thought they were months ago and you think this will be fun you begin to find them unattractive as well. Then it starts to make sense why they are single. One is controlling, the other is bitter, and one is just flat out crazy...like needs help but has money so is considered "eccentric" Goes to show you..show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who is tired of her.
macfunden is a fan of...
Fans of macfunden
MenZa40
chitowndudette
cglatsky
ukmusicfiend
MikeyLikes
Lizzooo
Jake12
NotJim
kristin
TITANr12
ThatGirlKristine
StephBone
sielle
JustStace
WickedCute