Ruminations
Ladies, the sex decreases before the romantic gestures do, don't blame us.
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I always wear my good underwear on the weekend, the work week doesn't deserve it.
A melt is just a fancier name for "a grilled cheese with..." but who cares what they are called because they are absolutely delish.
"The Last Airbender" ... Do you think they ran out of superhero names?
When I walk in the inner city, I always remember to wear my hoodie... and never forget to put a little "swagger" into my gait.
My girlfriend asks if it's okay for her friend to sleep over. Why would I reject to her friend sleeping over? The chances of having a threesome just went up 1,000%.
If facebook servers went down and didn't recover, I would lose all photos of myself for the past 5+ years, my college years would be erased and all I would have is my degree to show for it.
I can't wait for the day when Jack Bauer eats something his stomach doesn't agree with before he saves the world.
I wish Google Maps would have my home address saved so I didn't have to enter "220..." before the rest of the address came up.
One of the most satisfying feats in my life is when I convinced my dog that ice cubes were treats.
When you're watching a TV show and one of the commercials is about the Hoveround power wheel chair, you might not be the target audience.
For some reason, I'd rather type out the word dollars than press Shift+4.
I've enjoyed watching the guy who writes on the white board for those UPS commercials hair grow.
Whenever I hug someone, my head always goes to the left... mainly because I'm a lefty. Is that hug etiquette because no one ever goes to the right on me, because that would be an awkward face-to-face interaction.
How do you handshake with a girl? Do you overpower them or do you weak four finger handshake and leave out the palm? This I never get because I don't want to look like a pussy nor do I want to look like a demeaning SOB.
I can't sit "Indian style" anymore because I don't have the flexibility, and my legs go numb- and walking after that is weird.
Ever try putting on your pants with the other leg first? Yeah... awkward.
Hold the door for an old lady? I don't think so... I'd rather be rude and an asshole than wait for her to make a deposit at the bank.
College is a lot like kindergarten, $5 is a lot of money and you take naps in the middle of the day.
When a cop is behind me, I instantly do the speed limit to perfection and put on cruise control. Then I will swerve back and forth between the yellow and white line never crossing either of them... I also like to play with fire.
Most sane women go to bars in at least pairs... bringing an ugly friend along decreases meeting anyone with said ugly friend tenfold.
It's easy to find a friend in the crowd when he looks like an ogre. "Excuse me miss, have you seen a kid who looks like Shrek?"
I hate it when good looking girls look ugly naked.
Does anyone who is "clean cut" work at a coffee shop?
There is a reason why I asked my girlfriend at the time to starting going to the gym with me.
I lost my wallet in Chicago last spring, had no ID, no ticket, and was only there for the weekend. Without an ID or plan ticket, I somehow managed to get through security faster than I ever have. I will never fly out of Chicago again.
I feel violated after seeing other pictures of a girl whose profile made her seem attractive.
I don't get why people complain about paying taxes... crappy schools, crappy roads? I'm a glass half-full type of guy, and I think about the F-16s and nuclear warheads that my money buys. That's why people don't fuck with us.
I only get ice coffee so I can suck the sugar at the bottom through the straw.
I'm glad that fast food doesn't taste/appear as good as it appears in advertisements. Even those healthy fanatical people would have issues staying away.
Just because your dweeb of a friend is a photographer, and has had a crush on you for the past 4 years, does not make you a model.
It's very satisfying to look at past crushes you had, thinking that they were way out of your league at the time, and now thinking that there is no way in hell that you would go out with them now.
Why do I feel like breast implants could knock me out if one of them hit me in the face?
I hate contorting my neck looking at my blind spots when changing lanes. It should be the responsibility of the other driver to toot his or her horn... yeah, that's right, you read it, I just used the word "toot".
Why do BBQs have to stop in the winter? Summer is shit hot anyway, I'd rather be bundled up, sitting by a fire, with a COLD beer then sweating my ass off making sure I drink fast enough before it sucks.
I judge how drunk I was the previous night not by a hangover the next morning, but whether or not the shoes that I was wearing were tied or untied.
The hyphenated last name has to stop. Woman, you are committed or you're not, make up your mind.
I love it when drunk people ask you to take a group photo at a bar or something, and you always make sure to get one of your buddies in the shot.
When I was your age and took a picture, I had to wait until the film developed to see if I should have taken another photo a few weeks later.
I hate bending down to pick something up, only to start coming back up without that object in my hand.
I can always be convinced to skip the gym for happy hour.
Imagine how fat you would be if Paula Dean was your mom...
My friend once told me when he was younger he thought when he got full after eating it was because he ate so much food that his body was filled from his feet to the top of his throat. Really? I thought spacial/depth recognition was acquired by 2.
There is nothing worse than getting room temperature french fries from McDonald's, so I always order them unsalted, forcing them to make a new batch for me. Once in hand, I ask for salt. Booyah!
When I was younger, I use to assume that the word "youth" rhymed with the word "mouth".
wellaintthatgrand
joe131792
Jeffiner