Ruminations
Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that cocky mother fucker.
4 
The latch on the trunk of my car recently broke. This is the first time in my life it's sucked to have junk in the trunk.
Real friends don't peer pressure friends into throwing lame and overpriced makeup and jewelry "parties" to help them with the "business" they just started. Call me when you sign up with Pure Romance, bitches.
Whenever my future kids shout "I hate you!" I'm gonna go ahead and see that as a sign of success.
If you’re trying to get me to do something stupid, don’t you “double dare” me. I’m no fool. What’s that? You’ll give me $20? Jackpot! You’re on! I’ll do just about anything if the price is right.
I don’t understand girls that take it as a personal hit when their ex-boyfriend turns out to be gay. I’d be honored! Clearly, we’re on the same page that there could never be another girl in his life as awesome as me.
As far as I'm concerned, every flight of stairs I do in stilettos really counts as two.
I will never understand the people who scroll through hundreds of font options, select Comic Sans, and think, "Oh yeah, that's the one!" Am I a font snob? Maybe. Am I judging them? Hell yes.
There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.
"Girls can't have dry spells." Ones with standards can.
Sure, those glasses make you look smarter. Unfortunately, they don't do anything for how you sound.
It's a good thing dude from Beauty and the Beast turned back into a human. The fact it was because of a spell doesn't mean it's not bestiality.
I still jump around and twirl like a little girl when trying on a new dress to buy. The only difference from when I did this 20 years ago is that now I'm testing to avoid nip slip and cheek peek wardrobe malfunctions.
How come whenever I go to the movies there are previews for all these awesome and hilarious movies, but when I go to Blockbuster there's jack shit worth renting?
Life would be a lot less stressful if there was a correlation between blood alcohol level and tolerance.
I proposed going camping to some friends, and one replied he hates camping because he went once with his ex and it was awful. Just them and a tent. No friends, no booze, no coitus allowed. So wait, you hate camping? Or your shitty taste in women?
We'd all get a lot more bang for our buck if bars used vending machines. Especially the guys buying girls drinks solely for the bang.
Kings of Leon shit on their fans by walking off stage due to birds shitting on them at a concert. But seriously, guys - they're totally rock and roll.
I recently saw a sign reading "Hooker Home Office Sale!" outside of a furniture store. I guess it's a brand of furniture, but I'm still picturing some sort of bed/swing/pole value pack.
Even if I were an executive, I'd still be embarrassed to say I worked at McDonalds.
Don't you tell me "the one thing I need to know" when I watch some movie. You're a dumbass, yet you figured it out. I think I'll be just fine.
Who would've thought the whole "priest with a boner" scene in The Little Mermaid would be more an accurate prediction than a blooper?
My dad gave me a sleeping bag for my trunk so if I ever break down on a dark highway I can wait away from the car and avoid murderers. Pretty sure a dumb bitch walking into the woods alone is exactly what murderers want, and hey! I brought a blanket!
People who smoke in their house should have a warning sign outside to save my ass the trouble of walking in only to walk right back out.
I would rather pee in the parking lot than use the restroom at Walmart.
Whenever I see someone driving the same car as me, I can't help but check them out to make sure I look better driving it.
Playing Catchphrase this weekend, my uncle blurted out, "I gave you one last night!" My aunt replied, "Pearl necklace!" She was right... but it was just so wrong.
It's not that I don't like video games, but my motor skills can't keep up with the advancements in controllers. A three-button combo with some joystick action just to move forward? Sorry, I stopped listening when it started to vibrate.
When you offer to buy me a drink and I turn you down, don't act all offended. I'm saving you a few bucks and a few minutes of your time, and for all you know, I'm saving you from my crazy bitch ways. You're welcome.
I'm all for alternative energy, but do they really expect me to be focused on the road with hundreds of giant fucking windmills with twinkling lights twirling around all awesome along the highway?
I hate when I overestimate how much my mouth can handle and take a way-too-huge bite of whatever I'm eating. Do I cover my mouth to shield observers from the intense mastication? Do I turn away until I've got it under control? I never know.
It sure would be nice if my boobs looked as good naked as they do when they're strategically placed, taped, or squeezed into whatever overly flattering top I've got on.
Not reaching climax in a yawn is the second most frustrating climax to not reach, and a close second at that.
What's the deal with the random gas station here and there that has tables set up where people can sit and smoke? More importantly, what the hell is up with the dude that goes to the gas station to sit and smoke?
How is there a market for softcore porn? That's like opting for an O'Douls when there's a perfectly good keg of real beer right next to it. What's the point?
I get that some people still fully rely on a landline, but no fucking call-waiting?! I thought busy signals were basically extinct. Then again, I thought that about cassette tapes, but I'm pretty sure you have one in your real-life answering machine.
Wedding gifts should come with strings attached - if your marriage lasts 5+ years, consider yourself fully vested in my present. Splitsville in 2? That gift comes back to me so I can wrap it up and give it to you at your next wedding.
When getting celebratory drinks for a friend’s promotion, it only seems appropriate that they treat since they’ve landed a bigger paycheck. Unless it's me, in which case those bitches better buy shots to honor my greatness.
I love the feeling of sainthood that comes with finding out one of my friends has slept with more people than I have. You've slept with two more people than me? Ya little slut!
Girls who get all offended by catcalls need to chill out. Who cares if a dude wants to whistle instead of using words to let me know I'm hot? Shit, use a duck call if you want. It's only offensive if the chick ahead of me gets one and I get snubbed.
Saving 10% of each paycheck as a "just in case" fund would be much more doable if I didn’t have to factor out 20% for alcohol first.
Who the hell determined that the severed limb of a rabbit was a token of good luck? I could understand if it were the foot of a bear – because shit, you dismembered a bear and lived! – but a keychain you bought for $2.99? You got played.
My mom should be really grateful she’s alive considering the countless times I swore to God on her life in order to avoid blame for farts as a kid.
When someone says, “Knowing my luck, [insert negative event],” I like to respond with something like, “Yeah, and knowing my luck, I’ll find twenty bucks,” so they get jealous of my awesome life.
Why do the boys of South Park all ride tricycles? I guarantee if any of my friends hadn't achieved bicycle capabilities by 4th grade, they'd never live that shit down.
If I'm ever in need of CPR, I sure hope there aren't any actors around. Those morons never get that shit right.
Ladies, there's a very fine line between a sexy French manicure and trailer-park talons that just happen to be pink and white.
There are few times I’m as proud of myself as I am when I wake up to realize that poor-decision-making me who got wasted on a Tuesday night had a second of genius and chugged a shitload of water before faceplanting into bed.
Supervillains get a bad rap. Some superpowers are just meant for evil. Mind control? Body possession? Reality warping? My ass is headed to the dark side, and you can refer to me as SuperBitch from now on.
Sometimes when my dog lets out a dramatic sigh, I wonder if she’s thinking the same things I am when I do the same thing. “A nap sure sounds good right about now.” “I want treats.” “Pet me.”
How did calling someone “a huge dick” come to be an insult when calling someone “huge dick” would clearly be a compliment?
Some of my friends have been running Saturday morning marathons recently. After my typical Friday night, I don’t even think I could drive one.
I only take information “according to a new study” as fact when it supports my opinions/lifestyle. “Women who drink are less likely to develop high blood pressure”? I’m on it! “First Link Found Between Mobile Phones & Brain Cancer"? Clearly bullshit.
Everyone knows Ben Affleck’s acting career peaked with “Dazed and Confused”. Everyone except Ben Affleck, anyway.
Last night, there were back-to-back episodes of True Hollywood Stories – “Rapper Wives” and “Hip Hop Wives”. Apparently, there’s a difference?
I recently read that 1 in 10 people under 25 would answer a text during sex. Rest assured by the time you finish that text, I’ll be finished putting my clothes on, and you can just finish using your dominant typing hand.
No, I’m not scared to step on the huge bug, nor am I a hippie who cares about the value of its life. I just don’t want its nasty corpse to be part of my carbon footprint.
There are plenty of things worse than being an alcoholic. For example, being a recovering alcoholic.
Some girls are happy with “Mr. Right,” some girls are happy with “Mr. Right Now,” and some girls are just happy finding “Mr. Right There, Don’t Stop!” every now and then.
Whenever my dad hints at being ready for grandkids, I like to inquire whether he cares if they’re legitimate.
Let me be clear, roomie: "Taking turns" buying toilet paper will work only as long as you realize that my 12-pack of double roles equals six turns of your 4-pack of single ply. Dipshit.
“Are those real?” is the best compliment ever until I realize they meant my earrings.
I hate when I'm dodging a friend's call and I inadvertently hit 'ignore' instead of just silencing it. Dammit, fingers! Know your role! Now I have to text some bullshit reason along with an estimated callback time to prove I'm not a shitty friend.
If I ask the source of the crazy political "news" you just spent 20 minutes ranting about, and you say an email forward, you've completely slaughtered your credibility... and I'm wishing your voting rights had disappeared along with it.
Some people call it "unemployed". I prefer "government-funded sabbatical".
I wish riding in the car was as fun as my dog makes it out to be.
Some people say rear wheel drive in the winter sucks. I say it keeps life interesting. Surprise 180? Yes, please!
The only thing more irritating than realizing "Fireflies" has been playing on the radio and I haven't changed it yet is every lyric in that song.
If I call one of my friends an asshole, I probably mean he's hilarious in a slightly-condescending-to-others kind of way. If I call one of your friends an asshole, I probably mean your friend is a total douchebag. Seriously.
I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure Jay Leno looks like the man in the moon.
'Semen-based recipes' is choice #2 for Google's autocomplete suggestions when 'semen' is typed in. No worries, ladies - if you don't get your fill after that blow job, you can always make a batch of ejaculate eggnog. 'Tis the season, after all.
If I give you a cheerful "have a nice day" and you respond by grunting "uh huh", then you are a shithead, and I no longer care whether you have a nice day.
If I have something in my teeth, just fucking tell me. At the very least, give me a little signal. There will never be a time that I'd rather you not.
My dad says, "Maybe it's time for you to start looking for your future husband." Sorry, dad, but I'm perfectly content looking for someone to avoid eye contact with tomorrow morning.
Figuring out that your phone number has a word in it, and then using that word when giving out your phone number (ex. 241-TRAY), does not make you clever. It only ensures that no girl will be calling your number.
I hate when I want to ignore somebody and they don't give me the opportunity to do so.
If something falls in the gap between my wall and my bed, it can count on staying there until next time I rearrange my room... or move. No way in hell am I sticking my hand down there.
I hate when people ask me "How do you know?" or "Where'd you learn that?" The answer is always Google, buddy.
When traveling, my sister and I pick our flights based on whether we can book seats in an exit row. We figure these seats have the most potential to make us national heroes in the event of an emergency.
I just saw a billboard with a huge "Colonoscopy or Cancer" plastered across it. So basically, options include either bending over and taking it, or risking a way bigger pain in the ass somewhere down the line. That's symbolism if I've ever seen it.
How many freaking versions of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" are they going to release?! We get it, dude!
Success will ultimately be determined by how often I can save the day by calling one of my "guys" >> Matt Jr. got locked up in Tanzania? I better call my guy. You need a dancing cobra? I totally have a snake guy. Person with the most guys wins life.
There are times I still feel like a little kid playing dress up in my mom's clothes when I'm suited up for work.
I don't know how to go down stairs any way other than full speed ahead.
If guys can get a "happy ending" massage, I like to think the female equivalent would be called the "double rub" massage.
Some look their best when out at night. I look my best when I visit my dad, solely to avoid the disapproving "you're never going to find a man to love you looking like that" look I get when I show up in sweats with crazy hair and last night's makeup.
I like that the new Britney Spears song is blatantly about threesomes, and this radio station has decided to edit out the word "sin" from the chorus. Seriously? "We're good with the whole orgy thing, but dammit we will not stand for living in sin!"
If I had to choose between one million dollars or never seeing another spider/house centipede for as long as I live, I would have to seriously consider both options. I think it'd come down to whether the million is gross or net of taxes.
I'm so glad people don't bare their teeth at one another when they're mad like dogs do. That shit would freak me out.
I hate when the peacefulness that accompanies waking up from a good night's sleep without an alarm clock is shattered by the sheer panic that comes from knowing I don't ever wake up on time without an alarm clock.
Driving by the little "Adult" boutique on my way home gets me feeling frisky. Driving by an Adult Superstore off the highway in the middle of nowhere makes me want to shower.
I hate it when I'm driving a long stretch of highway and none of other cars on the road take the initiative to go 90 so that I can follow them.
I'll say to my friends with relationship problems that "if it's meant to be, it'll work out", but no way do I actually subscribe to that idealistic bullshit.
Each day, I try to make as many people smile as I can. Yesterday, my stiletto found itself a hole, and I completely bit it on the sidewalk along a busy street downtown. In a suit. Pretty sure I met my quota for the week.
Today, a friend and I were deciding between taking a trip this weekend or waiting until the following weekend. I ultimately left it up to her to decide because she has a husband to coordinate with, whereas I have only a plant. Awesome.
I wish the 8am-6pm part of each weekday went by as quickly as the 8pm-6am part seems to.
The second after you trip, when you don't know if you'll catch yourself or bust your ass, is filled with far more angst than any other second. Same goes for the second after that, except with immense relief or utter embarrassment.
I've never been as turned off by fast food as I was when I drove by a sign encouraging people to try a new "Fried Bologna Biscuit" today. Thanks, Hardees, but not if it was the last biscuit in the world.
When I find myself in a position where I am forced to reevaluate my life, all I end up thinking about is how completely hammered I need to get that night. My career is in no way suited for my skill set? Fuck. Pass the fucking whiskey, please.
If we knew each other in college, yet never became friends, then ending up in the same city post-graduation does not mean we’re gonna start hanging out now. I changed my location, not my standards. Sorry, bud.
Does anyone actually sing in the shower? I’ve tried it. I was alone, yet still mortified by the result. But in the car with the stereo cranked up so I can’t hear myself? I'm hitting every note, and sometimes better than the artist. I just know it.
Even if mullets ever come back in style, I will still feel the need to point out every one I see.
Oh, fake pocket on my pants, what purpose do you serve other than pissing me off every time I try to put something in you?
I never understood the saying "fly by the seat of your pants". I mean, don't get me wrong, I wish. But it still doesn't make sense.
One of my favorite feelings is when I wish for something aloud, and then it coincidentally happens to appear. Oh hey, look at me, controlling the universe like a badass.
I know there's nothing under my bed, but you won't find me sleeping with any part of my arms or legs hanging off the bed when I sleep. You go ahead. I'm not taking any chances.
The Miss America pageant should shake things up and throw in an impromptu “No Makeup” round this year. Surprise, bitches! The reaction footage would be a primetime event in itself.
The real reason I haven't thrown away all of my class notes from college is because I can't bear parting with the outstanding doodles accompanying them. I know I'll never use the information, but that shit is art.
Sometimes you just know there's a direct correlation between the height of a girl's heels and how badly she wants to get laid. And by sometimes, I mean anytime after 10pm.
If my surroundings ever break out into an impromptu musical, you bet your ass I'll be joining in.
I can't think of many things that sound worse than breaking my teeth on a concrete sidewalk.
I blame feminists everywhere for tricking me into my aspirations of becoming some high-powered career woman. Two years working as a professional has me aspiring for somebody to make me a housewife more than any promotion I could get.
If I didn't want you to look at my chest, then I wouldn't have worn this low-cut halter top. I don't go to the bars to show off my intelligence, so reassurance that I've got a great rack is always welcome.
letsfindout is a fan of...
-
pecas7
-
sbeaulac
-
mapgirl
-
stfirman
-
EverythingSucks
-
fakepeterman
-
kristin
-
udkyle8
-
alligsu
-
isavedtheday
-
gregschen
-
diggity
-
moodieblues
-
psupride5
-
MikeMcCarthy
-
StephBone
-
allymag
-
troysbucket
-
butta99
-
KGmoney
-
BlondeBomb
-
bethgoldstein
-
malarky
-
DescubrirElPastel
-
smith5213
-
Michael
-
randyfitz
-
SlightlyFlustered
-
shutupbabyiknowit
-
spydr86
-
snarkolepsy
-
pelc327
-
LiviaL919
-
GeneralsBitch
-
Gardner0424
-
IamKellyAnne
-
townes
-
ruminicious
-
poopthoughts
-
campbellconey
-
allspamaccount
-
Jeffiner
-
PopeJewish
-
kingofhell92
-
redwards
-
nocleverthoughts
-
HellHathNoFury
-
augie1
-
Stratton
-
easnow
-
Cynthia
-
bigjerm
-
dustinyo
-
jaymiles
-
GetMeOuttaHere
-
itsjill
-
CCFrances
-
WaywardSon
-
quoteXunquote
-
conradcbrown
-
heelntoe
-
BrettA
-
spongebrittradpants
-
Lacy05ag
-
Malaka24
-
Danish
-
tralynn29
-
thescreamingfish
-
perpetuallybored
-
Jerrod
-
JustStace
-
Melsh13
-
whatsmells
-
abonj10
-
BabyImAmazing
-
madbombr
-
micheanz
-
carlobotomy
-
LucyLinden
-
maxpowers
-
retrojoe
-
ishouldbeworking
-
icefairy17
-
tombrehmer
-
emkohlo
-
SortaNerdy
-
thestopsign
-
lmillercu82
-
Fonetik
-
superfluous
-
eghammer
-
comicfan
-
PhoneTick
-
scoopaloop
Fans of letsfindout
-
drnlydiff -
ImNotYourBuddyGuy -
cb366374 -
jonniebegood -
jibawok -
ElijahSerf -
Poorad -
baddecisions
-
jaymiles
-
gator01420 -
Kristscip
-
melgillies -
punkass
-
berryberry -
CCFrances
-
kristin
-
Patton -
Caveat333 -
Nammer -
coppercarbide
-
spastic
-
bsd00000
-
bethgoldstein
-
toeknee -
phowardtx -
jackieleigh88 -
wil2us -
ruminicious
-
breezydancer -
GetMeOuttaHere
-
easnow
-
sniperwolf17
-
frickface -
Stratton
-
simonsays -
spongebrittradpants
-
starflake -
the1donsk -
Sublime1
-
tacob123 -
crucificados -
dustinyo
-
pandalove -
lacrossetheroad
-
wbg009 -
augie1
-
stereotypemylife
-
isavedtheday
-
SmellieMel -
thescreamingfish
-
stfirman
-
DescubrirElPastel
-
itsjill
-
fakepeterman
-
MChaseD -
BabyImAmazing
-
tralynn29
-
pelc327
-
BrettA
-
xandye -
Michael
-
andrewthemiller -
BlondeBomb
-
abonj10
-
townes
-
micheanz
-
camerashy -
Sillybumblebees -
kahunajoel -
ktt4186 -
randyfitz
-
yousefhammad
-
nocleverthoughts
-
Cynthia
-
jamesrussell3 -
SlightlyFlustered
-
sbeaulac
-
Jerrod
-
whatsmells
-
maxpowers
-
Malaka24
-
EverythingSucks
-
pecas7
-
diggity
-
KGmoney
-
kingofhell92
-
moodieblues
-
RyricKrael
-
alligsu
-
heelntoe
-
butta99
-
mmyers1452 -
jaideepvk -
adambengal -
mchandsom -
amydel -
NoooooYouuuuu
-
aaron9287 -
IamKellyAnne
-
MikeMcCarthy
-
TaraB33 -
thegerman
-
AliBee
-
haharilow -
Jenny464
-
tombrehmer
-
snarkolepsy
-
ilovecake -
malarky
-
awatson29 -
imunderrated -
icefairy17
-
gregschen
-
leggymeggy -
jj57347 -
famoussomeday -
Danish
-
beast16 -
kickyourash -
emkohlo
-
hogWilde -
smith5213
-
scarlett29
-
Desilu -
redwards
-
Reuben -
TFeth87 -
eghammer
-
MarkRobertson94 -
yathink -
Yasmine -
GetBrent
-
Flaith -
Steelers51 -
samboo -
jarman
-
mapgirl
-
thestopsign
-
hlbird -
sielle
-
GeneralsBitch
-
have0101 -
comicfan
-
Courtjester -
perpetuallybored
-
PhoneTick
-
scoopaloop
-
curiouserallthetime
-
Melsh13
-
marcles -
masterofmydomain -
carlobotomy
-
BackAtcha
-
poopthoughts
-
lmillercu82
-
superfluous
-
johnsoncooley -
bjbackitis -
allspamaccount
-
DevinEntmacher -
missmini
-
LiviaL919
-
FullNelson
-
Mannnn
-
aerojello -
tmBAMF
-
demensathebril
-
laughingatyou -
Narcosynthesis -
jjtitus -
brandyshep -
katattack520
-
ronnierome -
conradcbrown
-
JustStace
-
FireSquad
-
eggdog -
ecophilia -
cttr22 -
yellowish -
2nolatch4 -
Django -
Ruby77 -
ishouldbeworking
-
jimboslice -
bcrack -
campbellconey
