Ruminations
No matter what the length of my trip is, my suitcase always weighs in at 50 lbs.
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Bread should come packaged as half loaves because a whole loaf is too much bread for one person to eat.
Pressing the wrong button on the vending machine is a devastating blow to your stomach's craving.
Every time 1 thing gets crossed off my To-Do List at least 3 more things get added...
You never truly appreciate air conditioning until your college apartment feels like a sweat shop.
Logging into Facebook should have a breathalyzer attached.
Should it upset me that the majority of the plastic shopping bags in my house are from the wine and spirits store?
Before the internet and phones, did people drunk mail and telegram each other?
Driving in the middle lane on a highway with 3 lanes on each side is a panic attack waiting to happen.
In grade school, we got to choose the periods of history we studied by voting on chapters. Bad move. Because of this I believe that WWII occurred before the Civil War and JFK was assassinated before the Mayflower sailed. Way to go grade school.
If you have no intention whatsoever of attending an event on Facebook you damn well better check the Not Attending box.
Strangers would consider me an inappropriate, obnoxious drunk. My friends all know that I'm just a good time and free entertainment.
Must you constantly hold hands in public? That's just telling me you're both insecure about being without your other half and that's unhealthy.
Why is it that the only people I run into at the bar are the ones I never want to see, ever?
If you have a problem, it can always be solved at the bar.
You can tell a lot about a person by what kind of ringtone he/she has, especially if it's a song clip.
My grandmother recently told me that I needed to "fine tune" my drinking habit. I don't know whether to be happy that my grandma is a big drinker or upset that a 75 year old woman just called me a lush.
I can't take you seriously if I see you in a bow tie.
No matter what class you take, there's always that one person you want to punch in the face.
I'm upset by the fact that the pizza delivery guy knows my name. What's worse is that he recognizes my voice when I call in to place the order.
The world would be a better place if IV drips came with a vodka option.
If alcoholism was a sport, I'm sure I'd get the gold medal.
Having your boss tell you that your work has been outstanding today is quite the compliment knowing that you showed up to work still drunk and are now working through the hangover.
Every time I submit a Microsoft Error Report I secretly hope my work will be restored. I know one of these days it has to happen, right?
After having my iPod on shuffle for the last week or so I've come to realize that I have horrible taste in music.
My desk at work is a pretty decent size, yet all of the papers I need for different projects always end up within a 2 foot radius of my keyboard and mouse.
My morning shower routine is extremely simple: shampoo, face wash, body wash. Any time I do one of the three out of order I am completely confused and not sure what to do next.
If I screw up my password for something online twice, I'm terrified to try a third time because most likely I'll end up being locked out of my account for who knows how long.
It's awkward having to talk to the girl your roommate brought home for the night. It's even more awkward when you call her by the name of the girl he brought home the night before.
All of my friends have been a DD at one time or another, but I think some of them think DD means drunk driver and not designated driver...
What's the point of being able to pay at the pump if I have to go into the gas station to get my receipt?
I'd rather play a game of Mario Kart on my N64 over a game of Halo on your Xbox any day.
I love pissing people off by making up and singing my own lyrics to songs, especially when they don't make sense.
There is no better upper and downer mix than a red bull and vodka.
Comcast On Demand boasts 100s of free movies. Yeah, okay, sure, if you mean 100s of free crappy movies.
Having a "healthy side option" at a fast food restaurant is just plain stupid.
I hate it when a girl calls me hun cause I know immediately that I have no chance whatsoever of getting with her.
No one watches America's Best Dance Crew because of Mario Lopez's hosting skills.
Yes, I may go and facebook someone I have only met once or know through a friend just so I can see their pictures, but if I get a friend request from someone I've never heard of, you better believe I'm going to reject it or just let it sit there as I wonder how they found me.
I panic every time my cell phone dies because I won't be able to charge it for a couple hours.
It's sad to think that the most exciting part of my day is making spreadsheets.
If you ask me my opinion on something more than once please know that I will just start saying the first thing that comes to mind when you do.
Buying dress pants would be a lot easier if they just came in navy, black, gray, and brown. Who the hell ever thought up color names like seal, planetarium, and storm?
I realized today, when my mom informed me about the massive peanut recall that's taking place, that I'm not watching the right kind of television.
No matter what time I get to work in the morning, as soon as 3:30 hits I'm out the door.
I found some Kid Cuisines on clearance at Giant Eagle over the weekend and bought some for old time's sake. Last night I had one and when I finished I wondered how it was ever filling because I was still hungry. Then I realized that the last time I ate one was when I was 8.
I understand we're in a recession, but I'd rather my company save money by turning off the electricity after the work day than have rolling blackouts during the day. There's no better feeling than losing a lengthy email seconds before it's about to be sent.
When does it become unacceptable to use your cell phone as an alarm clock because it just doesn't seem to be something grown ups do?
10 minutes ago the power went out at work. In all the excitement, all I could think about was if it stayed off long enough they'd have to send us home from school. And then I realized I'm not in grade school anymore, but now I have a job and you don't get to go home just like that.
No ands, ifs, or buts, pizza always tastes better when it's free.
MTV is lucky I love the Real World and America's Best Dance Crew. I wouldn't watch if it weren't for them cause MTV still isn't in HD.
Those 30 seconds of music between shows on MTV doesn't constitute calling yourself Music Television. Do us all a favor and fix that.
When I was little my mom used to watch ER religiously every Thursday. I had to be in bed before it came on because she didn't want any distractions during "her show." I've never been able to watch the show, and every time I see a commercial for it I still get the chills.
Last week my company went through a cycle of "voluntary retirements" to save the company money without having to actually lay off any workers. Today HR posted 8 new job openings. Ironically, all the positions are ones that were just vacated.
The recession is currently affecting the amount of snack foods and desserts per container, but why hasn't it affected the amount of vegetables?
I finally realized that the US is in a recession this morning. One of the news stories in the paper was about how the Girl Scouts have to reduce the number of cookies in each box to keep from raising the price. This is a sin.
Every time John Madden said "penetration" during the Super Bowl I laughed out loud and it hurt.
I wish everything in life had a "Are you really sure you want to do that?" attached to it before you do it.
I refuse to put my boss's number in my phone for the sole reason that I'm afraid I may accidentally drunk dial it thinking it's one of my friends.
Just once I'd like to see the snow plow truck come around with its plow actually down and doing some work.
I realized that I still had some growing up to do when I got to work this morning because when my co-worker asked why I came in late I told him I gave myself a 1 hour delay. I guess I forgot that work doesn't have snow delays.
There's no better feeling than creating your own parking spot in a snow covered lot thinking you parked inside the lines. It only gets better when you go to leave and see that the snow has melted and you weren't even close to being inside the lines.
To the gentleman in the cubical next to me. Take you phone off speakerphone and use the actual handset. I don't like hearing every single call of your's during the day, especially the personal ones.
I really hate going to the gym, mainly because I fear everyone is staring at me, but there's no better satisfaction than seeing someone more out of shape than me.
Kraft Singles? No thanks, I'd rather not ingest toxic slime.
2 scoops in every box? I think not, Raisin Bran.
Mom. You know that it takes me 45 minutes to get back to my house after I leave your's. You hate it when I answer my cell phone when I'm driving. So, why do you call me 25 minutes after I leave and proceed to lecture me about talking on my phone while driving. You clearly know that I'm not home yet, so why did you call?
To the Girl Next Door. Although you're very happy you finally got your period last night signaling that you're not pregnant, I really didn't want to know, and neither did the entire street. Also, you may not want to celebrate with mass amounts of alcohol as you just stated, seeing as that's how you thought you got pregnant in the first place.
It used to just be drunk dials and the occasional text message. But now I have to go onto Facebook to see whose walls I wrote on after a night of heavy drinking. Thank you, Technology, for adding another ounce of embarrassment into my life.
The straws that came with juice boxes were never quite long enough.
I'd really like to know how a person like Michael Scott keeps his job.
Children are freakishly strong these days. When I was 10 I'd be damned if I could open a bottle of Advil or Tylenol. Even now I can't open those damn things on the first try, but give it to a kid and pop, it's off in a matter of seconds. Should we be concerned?
When I go to a business casual attire event it never fails that someone always shows up in a suit. That really pisses me off because now I look under dressed, yet I followed the attire code. Screw you Mr. Fancypants suit wearer, you're the one that looks like a real tool.
How is it that when I'm home, I can't think of anything to possibly waste my time doing. However, as soon as I get to work and realize I have hours of work to accomplish I can only think of going online and wasting time away happily?
Ok, so one of my roommates is a girl that I've been friends with since we were little, and that's how it's going to stay. Why is it that anytime there's something to be done she always says, "Well, my boyfriend always does that for me." Yeah, well he also gets to do some other things that I don't, so I don't want to hear you ever use that line again or I'll come back with something dirty.
When someone asks my opinion they always seem to add, "Are you sure?" Do you not think I can make up my mind, or is what I just said not good enough for you. If so, what makes you think I'm going to say something different the second time.
I hate it when my DVR tells me that I have to change channels when I'm watching tv because a recording is going to start soon, but I'm already on that channel. Wtf DVR, you can record television and allow me to pause it, rewind it, and replay it, but you can't tell that you're already on the channel you need to be on?
When it comes to nutritional information on food, there is no reason to create a serving size and how many servings per bag/container when it comes to cookies. First of all, I'm going to eat as many as I like, so I never know how many servings that is and second of all, I just feel like a fatty when I do the math and realize that I've just consumed 3 days worth of calories from 10 minutes of eating.
Why is it that I'll fart around all morning at work and get nothing productive accomplished, but when I get the urge to be productive it's 10 minutes before lunch. I hate the feeling of being forced to consider looking lazy for another 10 minutes or waste it rushing to do work that I know will have to be redone cause I didn't take my time to do it right the first time.
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