Ruminations
The check engine light has NOTHING on the low fuel light.
2 
On the highway yesterday, I almost hit a turtle on the road, so I did what any normal person would do: swerve around it and hope that the person in second place hits it and spins out.
Why don't bosses remember what it was like being our age? "Sorry I'm late for work. My landlord was having car trouble in our driveway and I owe him rent and couldn't sneak past him without getting questioned about it" just doesn't cut it for them.
Nothing stresses me out more than playing a simple flash game and then, halfway through, noticing a countdown in the upper corner. Suddenly my palms sweat, I lose my groove, and I can no longer figure out how to beat the first level.
Sometimes I google things like "How to make scrambled eggs" just to make sure I've been doing it right all this time.
And the mother of the year award goes to a woman I work with who tells her kids that if the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they're out of ice cream for the day.
The only bad thing about having a threesome: your number goes up by two. Crap.
Nothing gets me off the phone faster than hearing the beep that I have a new text message.
I'm sorry, but eating a banana in front of the wrong person takes the cake for most awkward breakfast of all time.
Why hasn't a network created a channel that just plays Saved by the Bell 24/7?
Sometimes I get irrationally disappointed when I finish a delicious meal.
Sometimes the only way to figure out what day of the week it is is to remember what you watched last night on TV.
There are few things as delicious as hot leftover pizza, but I can never wait long enough for it to reheat. Oh well.
So which is it: third time's the charm or three strikes and you're out?
Few things at work are as great as checking in for a flight online, thus starting the 24 hour countdown to your vacation.
Having the first birthday in the office is great. What? You didn't do anything for me? There's no way in hell I'm doing anything for you. Sorry, Champ. Nobody to blame but yourself.
A friend of mine just said she liked Wheel of Fortune better than Jeopardy. What?!
Watching an entire television series on DVD makes me wonder how people sit and wait a week - a week! - between some episodes. I'm just so thankful that I live in this day and age.
I just did the laziest thing ever. Not only did I decide I was hungry and order Pizza Hut delivery online, but I whined about my CC being in my coat pocket so much that my boyfriend had to get up and hand it to me. Whatever. If he wants half a pizza, he can earn it.
I love watching the premiere of The Biggest Loser. It makes me feel so skinny.
Grades K-12: a whole two weeks off from school, awesome! College: a month off from school, amazing! Post-college: back to work on the 26th. Fuck me.
The worst case of passive-aggressive behavior exists between a boss and subordinate when there's miscommunication over an assignment: "Here you go, let me know if there are any changes. Thanks!"; "Please see the corrections I faxed to you. Thanks!"; "Here's a new draft with your corrections. Thanks!"; "Can you resize this, change the logo, adjust the font, and send it to me before you send it to the printer? Thanks!"; "Can I punch you in the face? Thanks!"
Do musicians on Pandora know how many "thumbs down" their songs get?
If I accidentally listen to more than half of a song I don't like on Pandora, I'll suffer through the rest of it so I don't have to waste one of my skips.
I may appear relatively health conscious when I'm in line at the grocery store buying skim milk and plain Cheerios, but the next morning you can bet I'm smothering those suckers in sugar.
When you live by yourself, you realize just how much you were the messy roommate.
Do people who work for Facebook get in trouble for...facebooking at work?
Sometimes I like to go through all the "People You May Know" and "x" out of them as fast as I can, racing myself on each row to see which I can delete faster. All fun and games until I see a flash of a long-lost friend's face and just a few letters of her (now married) last name before their "Do you know this person?" snapshot disappears. Shit. What was that? Megan...Stewart? Stuart? Stews? Shit.
I use the receipt to tell me how many drinks I've had the bar tonight.
Is there a statute of limitations on asking questions at work? I started here about three months ago and today, for the first time, noticed that the red "message" light was lit on my phone. I have no idea how to check it. Shoot.
Sometimes I enter my printer code too soon and end up having to run down the hallway to the machine to try and cancel the 29786 copies I just told it to print. Whoops. Drop those in the recycle bin.
Work is exactly like college. Do I have way too much to do on a project due at 1:00? Yes. Will I somehow manage to complete at the last possible minute because I spent all morning staring, bored, at facebook? Yes.
Voting for President is kind of like picking a team to root for in the Superbowl. You don't really have any control over who wins, but you have to trash talk your friends / family members who picked the other team.
If I get McDonalds on my lunch break at work, I do everything in my power to eat it before I return. If for some reason I have to return to my desk with food, I hide it in my purse and then in my desk. I'd rather to sneak fries from a bag in a drawer than let people know I sprang for disgusting and so so delicious fast food.
I don't have a single photo on Facebook that's appropriate enough to be my photo on LinkedIn.
The difference between a zit and an ingrown hair is tiny, and yet so, so crucial.
How is it that you make a payment on your debit card and it gets taken out of your account within the hour, but the payroll check that I deposited on Friday hasn't cleared? Yes, Bank of America, I'm looking at you. Assholes.
I hate working on a project and coming to a stopping point where it's essential that someone respond to you before you can continue ... and having that person respond immediately. Shit.
If I wanted you to judge me, I would have called you "Your Honor."
"Persons not heeding evacuation orders may face certain death." -- You MAY face CERTAIN death? Look, I know Ike's a big deal, but I think you're being a little dramatic. It's one or the other, Weather Channel.
I use the iTunes Top 100 to help me remember songs from the radio that I want to illegally download.
They call it "Gross" pay because it's gross how much of your paycheck goes to the government.
Do folks writing highly-rated ruminations disable the e-mail alerts because they find it annoying?
Few things compare to the heart-drop when you're reading "Most Recent Ruminations" and you reach the first of the ones you read an hour ago.
I hate paychecks. They always end up being so much less than you think, even when you anticipate taxes and insurance. And also, this paycheck took out about $300 for taxes, which was ironically, the same as my stimulus check this year. Takes the fun out of those. Thanks, Government. You just gave me back money that ALREADY BELONGED TO ME.
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