What is an acai berry, and where do I get some? It appears that if I just eat a handful or two, I’ll wind up looking like Lauren Conrad. That must mean the diet includes at least one loyal sidekick to ward off unwanted frenemies, lots of black nail polish, a fake job and a real Chanel bag. And for just $3.95 shipping and handling?! Sign me up! No, seriously. Sign me up.

Why are CVS receipts so fucking long? I just bought one stick of deodorant—I don’t need 25 feet of coupons for things like cat food and diapers. I may be nearly broke, but I’m not 45.

The other day our Internet went down at work, and after we realized we couldn’t function without it, we all went home early. I tried to decide how I would spend my two glorious hours of unexpected free time. When I got home, I immediately checked my Gmail, stalked Facebook and looked for celebrity updates on People.com. All of a sudden, it was 5 p.m., and I realized I’d been doing the exact same thing I do at work. This either means I don’t actually do much work, or I’m just as effective working from home.

People don't like people who don't like dogs. And frankly I don't understand. It's perfectly acceptable for people to be like, "Ew, I hate cats." But if people ever say that about dogs, they're given death stares for even thinking it. But seriously, dogs don't listen when spoken to, they're constantly trying to jump you, they smell, don't pick up after themselves and always want a treat after doing something right. If I wanted all that, I'd just go get a boyfriend.

So you know how there are actually about 400 times more germs and bacteria on the average desk than on the average public toilet seat? In theory, doesn’t that mean we should be eating lunch in the bathroom and shitting next to our computers?

My friend came into work today and realized he had accidentally left his lunch in his laundry basket (not quite sure why!), which he had just dropped off at the wash, dry and fold place that charges by the pound. So not only did he not have lunch, he ended up paying extra for it too.

I was on the phone with Delta (my own personal nightmare), trying to figure out why they suddenly changed my flight. Of course I’m stuck speaking to someone with a really heavy accent in India (and no, your real name is totally not “Steve”), who keeps misunderstanding the letters in my confirmation number. As he reads it back to me for like the fifth time, I can barely contain my annoyance (and soon, laughter): He’s like, “‘E’ as in ‘elephant,’ ‘Z’ as in ‘zebra’ and ‘L’ as in ‘lemur,’ right?” Um, random much?! I speak English, not “zoo.”

Do you ever get annoyed by people who don’t give enough information when they order? Like in ice cream shops when someone just says, “Can I have mint chocolate chip cookie?” You’re already waiting impatiently in line, and now you’re forced to listen to the poor scoop-shop guy prod for answers: “Um, regular ice cream or hard frozen yogurt? Cup or cone? Small or large? Any toppings?” Seriously—be specific! It’s like going in Starbucks and just saying, “Can I have coffee?”

My friend recently went out for drinks with a guy who wore a gray T-shirt and jeans. This was all fine until the next date, when he wore the exact same outfit. Despite an obvious lack of effort, she sets up a third date—this time for dinner. An hour beforehand, he calls to demote the date from dinner to coffee because dinner is “moving too fast.” So we go to eat instead, and in walks the guy—same outfit. Obviously it’s three strikes and you’re out, but in this case it’s three Hanes shirts and you’re kind of psychopathic.

I was at a burrito place with my girlfriends when a teenage kid comes over and taps me on the shoulder. “Here, this is for you.” He hands me a napkin covered in purple marker—it reads, “Poon Hound Extraordinaire: Your Poon is My Business,” with a phone number. We see his buddies outside, ducking behind a car and laughing hysterically. So we call the number, and the same guy picks up and seems legitimately frightened that we actually called. I mean, come on, dude—isn’t the cardinal rule of a prank to give any number EXCEPT your own?!