Ruminations
0 
Watching the Millionaire Matchmaker makes me glad I'm poor.
Hey right armpit, why don't you take a cue from the left and cool it with the perspiration.
Sorry Proactive, but I will just grow a beard for free to cover a zit.
Walking into Great Clips is a sign of personal defeat in the game of life.
The CAPS LOCK button should automatically turn off if used for more than 5 consecutive words.
While doing laundry, folding socks is like a bad game of memory... Wait, I just saw that one with the yellow toes somewhere over here...Screw it, you are being paired with this gray low cut instead.
After booking my plane ticket today, the operator informed me that the plane I would be taking is not a jet, but rather a propeller plane. Reminds me of the time I thought my parents bought me a car, but instead there was a horse in my driveway.
Call it what you want, but your "new" dance is nothing more than a glorified Electric Slide.
Apparently, confusing Fiance with Finance doesn't go over well. At all.
It seems like if you REALLY wanted to make a statement at the end of your thought, you would say "Exclamation Point" as opposed to "Period".
Rather than clean the fan, I just never turn it off. If I can't see the dust it's not really there.
Why do kids hate vegetables? I saw a kid eat a cigarette butt the other day. But put a carrot in his face and I'm sure tears would follow.
I have a huge jar of change next to me... looks like I'll be making it Hail this weekend at the club.
My friends who were unable to find a job out of college somehow always resorted to becoming a staffing recruiter... so, the people who couldn't find a job now have one getting jobs for other people?
TV/Movie car drivers move the wheel entirely too much.
Whenever I hear someone say "I'll be in and out in less than 5 minutes" I smile and think to myself "at least I'm not the only one!"
Sometimes I fold my dollars in half to make it appear as though I left a bigger tip.
Damn you commercials that look like the show I'm watching... you just fucked up my DVR fast forwarding.
I've officially given up on the gym... I'm just going to have to accept the fact that my friends will now refer to me as the guy with a "great personality".
I still have no idea how many Ms and how many Rs the day after today has.
Owning the Visa black card is the same as owning a Toyota and telling people you drive a Lexus.
I hate buying gifts from a wedding registry. Now my friends will truly know how cheap I am.
When you tell me something I don't want to try tastes like something I already like, it's even more incentive not to stray from my ways.
My checklist for work each morning now consists of my laptop, my lunch and my bag of courtesy laughs.
There is a moment of sheer panic every time I wake up from a nap on the couch... what day is it? Is it 8pm or 8am? Did I miss work? Where are the Doritos?
I recently became aware of my getting older while watching it rain... 5 years ago, rain would mean "Shit, no one is gonna go out tonight!" Now, rain means "Nice, now I don't have to water the lawn." Guess I should start coffin shopping.
Contrary to popular belief, "the third time's a charm" usually results in a restraining order.
Regardless of the excessive leaning/jumping/laying on the floor, your bowling ball will continue to have a mind of it's own.
Hey creep with the stadium camera, yeah we've seen her too the last six times you've panned over there. Now find someone else! There's fifty fucking thousand people here!
IT Guy, I'm pretty sure your name is not "Bob", but if that's the game we're gonna play, please call me "Susan".
Who knew putting dishwashing soap in the dishwasher would turn out so bad? Or so bubbly amazing?!
When I hear a little kid speaking in a language other than English, my initial thought is that he/she is smarter than me. This thought is promptly followed by the one where I know I could still beat him/her up.
Menus should just be suggestions since I am going to change whatever I order anyways.
In a song, if you rhyme a word with itself, it's just plain cheating.
Wasn't part of the agreement with settling down here, 'No more British spellings'?
Handshakes should last no longer than 2 seconds. Milkshakes are a different story.
Isn't the prerequisite for acting being able to act, Paul Walker?
Dear Powerade, as a regular consumer of your product I would appreciate you listing your ingredients in terms that normal humans use. What the hell is cyanocobalamin? Fuck it, it's 2 for $3.
If you are at the bar, wearing a wide-striped shirt, there is a 100% chance I'll be ordering a pair of Nike Shox in a size 12 from you at some point during the night.
I'm waiting for someone to invent a pillow where both sides always stay cool.
Whenever I'm talking to someone and they say "but...ummm..." I immediately throw in a "ching".
If you are a single guy and have a dog that weighs less than 20lbs, there is a reason you are still a single guy.
Tell me there's 7% off the entire store? Ha! No thanks tightasses. But call it Tax-Free Weekend? I'm there!
When I hear the word "elope" the last thing I think is "marriage".
I fucking hate acronyms. 9 times out of 10 it takes me longer to figure out what all the letters mean than if you had just said the words to begin with. FU.
They say the heart is the hardest working organ in the body. After years of extensive research, I'm going to have to disagree and say it's the Liver.
It is physically impossible to correctly sing along to Pearl Jam and Bone Thugs N Harmony.
Apparently the terms "it" or "that" do not go over well when referring to someone's baby.
Watching Drew Carey host the price is right is like watching someone total a Ferrari.
Why don't fundips come with 3 spoons since they have 3 compartments? Don't force me to ration my spoons, assholes.
I get immediately sweaty when a co-worker cries in a meeting. Probably the most uncomfortable feeling ever.
Watching a soap opera is like watching a really shitty high school acting audition... only with older, hotter people... who are not in high school. Awww fuck it.
Hey guy sitting at the table across from me, you have some shit on your face from your sandwich. Apparently everyone you are eating with is visually impaired or braindead. You're welcome.
If it weren't for those little tentacle pieces, I might really believe I was eating a garden hose when I have calamari.
Hey online store, if something is out of stock, pull it off your website...like how a store in real life works. Assholes.
Sorry Mustard, but Ketchup is the condiment of endless possibilities.
I hate when I talk to someone while they are attempting to mouth the words that I'm saying, as I say them.
With all those Fraggles and no pants, what was really happening at the "rock"?
Do I really need 3 forks, a knife, and 2 spoons to eat this meal? What the fuck are we having - the left side of the Grocery store?
Bruno, your movie was funnier when it was called Borat.
For fuck's sake Orange Juice, how about a few less choices!
In a steel cage match, my money would be on Aunt Jemima working Miss Butterworth.
The next person in my office that walks by and says "Happy (insert day of the week here)" is getting punched in the throat.
Why is it that everyone always takes a pic of themselves in the bathroom mirror?! There has to be another mirror in your house that doesn't require me to see what toothpaste and deodorant you use and how much toilet paper you have left.
Everyone has that friend that never fails to beat a joke to death.
Dear Weather Channel-
There is currently an icon of a sun, a cloud, a lightning bolt and a rain drop on my local forecast. For fuck's sake, just tell me what's gonna happen when I walk outside!
The "How much money would it take for you to ______ " game might very well be the best game in life. Period.
Being part Filipino and Jewish, I will always refer to myself as a "Challahpino".
Few things amuse me more than listening to someone attempt to sing in their car after they just pocket dialed me.
McDonalds has to deal with Burger King... Subway has to deal with Quiznos... Dominoes has to deal with Papa Johns... Nobody fucks with Taco Bell.
So who is it that actually writes these alleged "memos"?... And please add me to your contact list for fucks sake.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if Folgers is really the best part of waking up... well then... your life just sucks.
The people who make gum need to collaborate with the people who make jeans... because these damn packs of gum keep getting bigger and the jeans keep getting tighter!
Having a dog is not a big responsibility. Financing a drinking habit is.
Why is "Wednesday" the only day with fucked up spelling?
Email notification on personal email: Awesome. Email notification on office email: Shit.
Telling someone they look "distinguished" is simply a nice way to say "old". Thanks gray hairs.
SPF 100+? Where are you planning to tan... in a volcano?
There's a guy I down the hall from me at work that wears a braided belt with the side-tuck-long-tail on his hip... and all I can think every time I see him is "What the fuck was I thinking in 7th grade?!"
Seriously bladder?! There are ten minutes left in this movie!
Today I drove behind a giant lady in a minivan. That in itself was funny. But to top it off, she had a bumper sticker that read "The only Bush I trust is my own". Gross. Blinker on.
I've decided to go on a diet, and dammit, this one's gonna work. "What's it called?" you ask... Photoshop.
When you cursed as a kid, my parents yelled at me saying "those are adult words", yet as an adult, when I curse, I hear people tell me "I'm being childish". What the hell is the appropriate age to curse?!
Mr. Police Officer: Enough with the rhetorical questions.
I'm pretty sure being the president is better than being a judge, yet we address a judge as "Your Honor" and the president as "Mr. President". Maybe I'll apply that concept to all occupations: Mr. Dentist, Mr. Cable Guy and Mr. Sandwich Artist.
The chance that I would actually mistake DIGIORNOs for delivery is 0%. Nice try.
Nothing ruins a nice summer date faster than a post-pool booger stuck on your face.
Will Ferrell: You should have quit while you were ahead.
If I saw someone I knew and asked how they were, and they responded with "I'm Gellin", guess what? End of conversation.
We have all these posters around work that say "none of us is as strong as all of us"... HUH? What the fuck does that mean?! Why word it like that? How about "All of us are stronger than none of us" there, that was pretty fucking simple and to the point.
Few sounds are more obnoxious than when someone heavy breathes while eating cereal.
When people look at my tattoos for the first time, I count down the seconds before I get the inevitable "did those hurt?". Ummmm fuck yes they hurt. How about I stab you 5 million times with a needle covered in ink and let you be the judge.
Sure, internet dating can be fine... but I always wonder how the "oh, we met on craigslist" conversation goes...
When watching old movies I loved as a kid, I often wonder at how I could have ever thought the special effects looked real and/or good. They look like complete shit. Was I just a lot dumber back then or were my standards simply at zero?
If I receive an email from an unknown sender it goes right in the trash. If I receive mail from an unknown sender of course I open it up.
Is accidentally having a tomato on your sandwich really that big of a deal?! Mayo, now that's a different beast.
The worst part about this failing economy is the fact that reality tv flourishes in it.
68 Billion dollars?! Really?! That's like knowing the password for infinite lives in a game, and still continuing to play it after you beat it again and again and again and again. Fuck you Bernie.
There is no worse feeling than biting into the aluminum foil that's still on your sandwich.
As a kid, being rather tall for my age, my parent's friends would often say to me "you're really tall... do you play basketball?" My question in return would be "You're short, do you play miniature golf?"
Every time I'm in an airport awaiting my flight, I make a mental note to determine whether I can take out the "crazed" passenger, if need be.... but I do not stereotype.
Everyone has a "one-upper" friend... I have two.
Just because you are wearing an Affliction T-shirt does not mean you are an Ultimate Fighter.
When are they going to invent a toothpaste that actually lasts the entire time I'm sleeping?
When kids learn about becoming adults, I think they should add a lesson about the age minimum and career restrictions for having a mustache.
I wonder if everyone is still going to LOVE this new government come April 15.
I've never been to a happy hour where people are actually happy... ours always consist of everyone complaining about work and/or their lives.
Dear Smoothie Maker: You cannot possibly be that happy.
The "Leard" or "Line Beard", if you will, does not work...Unless of course, that is the means by which your hair is staying attached to your head. Shave it off.
Why do the people at Chick-Fil-A ask me if my order is "for here or to go" when they give me paper bag regardless of the answer?
In 28 years, I've NEVER seen a chicken cross the road...
A squirrel? Yes.
A dog? Yes.
An opossum? Yes.
A chicken? NOPE.
We drive on the right side when we are on the road, so why walk on the left side when you are on the sidewalk?! Walking on the right side avoids that awkward "which way do I go" dance that I find myself performing daily.
Regardless of what you say, "SEAN" does not spell Sh-aw-n.
I wonder if there will ever be a time when life follows the idea of designer jeans? Example:
Why buy this perfectly clean, brand new car for $10,000 when you can buy this beat up, ripped up, missing it's left rear tire, mismatched colored car for $50,000?
A perfect example of discrimination:
It's not OK for your date to eat 2 loaded hotdogs at a restaurant at 8pm. But it sure as hell is on the side of some street at 2am.
discrimination? No. This is alcohol prevailing over real life... once again!
Don't send me an email in the form of a text. Is adding a "y" and an "o" really too difficult for "U"? If you want to text, use your phone.
If you are on your computer, type in regular English.
When I see 2 people sitting at a restaurant together, both busily texting away on their phones, I wonder if they are having some sort of secret conversation with each other...what are they talking about? is it about me? is it about this place? what is it?!
I usually wind up leaving with indigestion.
What has my life come to when I now find myself watching a show about celebrities who I once hated watching on TV, dancing?!
Does Papa Johns actually think the amount of garlic butter included with a large pizza is sufficient?! It's 1 freaking cup - less than an inch deep. Might I remind you, John, that you have just delivered 8 (eight) slices to me. How am I supposed to enjoy this - tease myself with every third bite receiving a dunk? This is bullshit.
Is it really necessary to turn on your hazard lights during a heavy rain? What are you trying to accomplish? I'm well aware of the weather situation. I'm well aware of the fact that you are driving slightly faster than a brisk stroll and I am now fucking late. Thank you.
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