Ruminations
Has anyone ever measured out the correct amount of pasta?
1 
Well I guess that settles it... I am never seeing another Lifetime original again.
Nothing says I'm sorry to your girlfriend like changing your default picture to one with her in it.
"I don't get the point of Twitter," good don't use it I would rather not hear about your sick dog today.
I saw a guy slather a ton of mayo on a hotdog. I threw up in my mouth a little.
CNN: confirmation hearing. Headline News: confirmation hearing. CNBC: boring stock crap. Bloomberg: ditto. Fox News: Police chase!!!
I ordered a gyro at a street fair from a woman who could only say "Meat meat?" and "Drink?." I wanted to marry her on the spot.
Clinically binge drinking occurs at 5 drinks...and clinically that makes you a pussy.
Yes running a firewall is why your laptop gets so hot. Do you work for Best Buy's Geek Squad? and yes, Mozzarella Firefox is much better then Internet Explorer.
I guess filling out my bookshelf with R.L. Stine Goosebumps books doesn't make me seem very intellectual.
I am sick of hearing these "recession proof" business claims. The only recession proof business I can think of is working at the unemployment office.
I wanted to take care of the chest hair poking out of the top of my shirt but somehow I ended shaving everything off. Now I just look like a fat girl.
The amount of details I want to hear about your sex life is directly proportional to how hot your girlfriend is.
My windshield wipers have two settings: Off and demon-screeching on.
Whenever I pay with just singles I feel like a stripper.
How I know I am getting old: I started squealing "Icey Man!" when I heard the jingle come down the street and my parents told me to shut the fuck up. By the way I'm a 21 year old guy.
I am going to buy a baby on board sign just so I can drive like a douchebag.
Do you really need all those pens in that mug? I am pretty sure I only write with one at a time.
Do you ever get the feeling that when an eye doctor asks you "Which is better?" that he is just messing with you?
We all know you can play the guitar. So when you stop by and see mine laying out you don't have to play Wonderwall... again.
I know it's annoying when I try to guess what will happen by the end of a T.V. show but being right is oh so sweet.
A couple pictures of your baby posted on Facebook is fine, but three albums?! I guess being an unwed mother is the equivalent of someone with goals studying abroad.
Roller Coaster Tycoon has ruined all canned laughter sound effects for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I have ever been a missed connection on Craigslist.
Life lesson: Don't nap on campus while your college is tailgating. You will wake up to 3 medics and a cop assuming that you passed out drunk. but you will learn you have a high blood pressure!
I went the bar on Wednesday because my friend was turning 21 at 12. I ended up drinking way too much before he got there and the next morning he was telling me how wasted I was on HIS 21st birthday. I think this means I have a problem.
Hey Dictionary.com I promise you 100% of the people who are searching for the definition of a long word is not looking for "the act of (insert slightly shorter word)."
Whenever I flip to the TV Guide channel the lineup always starts somewhere in the 50s.
I didn't realize how much road rage my girlfriend had until yesterday. We were driving through a town in rural PA and we got stuck behind a stations of the cross parade. She starts honking and yelling "Jesus didn't hold up traffic!"
Googleing myself has made me seriously competitive against people with the exact same name. Luckily, I only found 4.
I am convinced the only crew that "rolls deep" is AARP.
Surefire way to be a dick: When someone says "Guess how much this costs," low ball your guess by an irrational amount. New diamond necklace? I am going to guess $2.75.
I'm more fucked than picking a girl with a hat in Guess Who.
Why is the toilet so loud when I am hungover? Oh yeah my face is in it.
I don't drink to forget my problems, I drink to forget how nasty those first shots were.
No one cares if you can fistpump in perfect New Jersey form.
Is it weird that I turn to The Hamster Dance Remix to cheer me up?
I hate when a stranger sneezes and I say "Bless you" and they don't respond. Its like hey fuck you too! The same rule applies to have a nice day.
I saw a movie about dancing that was really good. Just kidding - those don't exist.
I saw a really fat person in a sports jersey. You aren't fooling anyone.
When I first heard of the show "Lie to Me" I thought it was a documentary on my ex-girlfriend.
After realizing I needed to lose a few I went on a diet. Lately I have been irritable, unhappy and more tempted by food than sex; essentially I have become my girlfriend.
No, I didn't scream out another girls name during sex. I was simply brainstorming baby names in case you get pregnant.
I got a new sweatshirt and now I have a tough ongoing decision to make. Do I wash it and ruin the new sweatshirt fuzz feeling, or keep it dirty and smell like ass.
This whole probability and statistics thing is bullshit. For instance, there are 150 seats on the airplane. What are the odds the crying baby sits right in front of me? If you guessed 100% you would be correct.
Last week I was at the bar and some drunk guy who I've never seen or talked to points to me from across the room and yells, "Fuck that guy." I have come to the conclusion that I must just look like a douche bag.
Those anti-bacterial soap commercials didn't convince me to buy their product but rather gave me an irrational fear of used sponges.
I have yet to hear a freestyle in person and think, "Wow that was very insightful."
When I was walking out of my college apartment, I saw an unused tampon with vomit on top of it. I tried to think of a scenario where this could happen to a person but came up empty handed.
I just won at solitaire and the card bouncy thing didn't happen at the end. I felt so robbed.
I just wasted 20 minutes reading tips on how to not waste time.
When I send an E-mail of only attachments to myself, I always type something random in the box for fear that the E-mail gods will reject an E-mail missing a subject or body.
Why do women always complain about their shoes? No one made you wear them. However, periods are completely acceptable provided you are willing to hear about my nuts sticking to my leg.
I went to the career fair today because I was running low on pens but no businesses were giving them out this time. Damn you economy!
Man that 13-year-old with a baby is going to have a tough life. Those child support checks are going to put a huge dent in his allowance.
If you are single, bring a dozen roses to the bar for Valentine's Day. Not only could you assume everyone there is also single, but you have 12 opportunities to get laid.
Can they invent a box of chocolates that isn't 90% shitty?
OK girlfriend I'll do what you want for Valentine's Day, but just remember March 14th is right around the corner.
I feel like a loser when I send out a mass text "What are you doing tonight?" and no one responds.
I woke up this morning with a buzz and only 1 sock on. It was a good night.
I only see the sunrise when I pull an all-nighter.
If you write me a typo filled e-mail and I don't know you, I am going to assume you have sausage sized fingers.
I don't do drugs but every time I hear the word kilo I assume we are talking about coke.
If a sense of humor is an important quality you are looking for, then maybe a long-term relationship isn't for you.
I saw a girl that was so unfortunate looking I wanted to walk up to her and say, "I'm sorry."
Having a dog is like having a little kid who doesn't speak English.
I broke up with my girlfriend but luckily Beyonce's "Single Ladies" was playing in the background. I like to think that softened the blow.
I always get nervous when I see food service employees behind the counter eating food from another business.
I love the vibrate function on my cell phone so much that it reduces the number of calls I choose to pick up.
My roommates found a great way to save money on groceries... use mine.
If I had no friends I would play World of Warcraft in the computer lab too.
I would do a lot more class readings if they printed them on the back of my cereal boxes.
Cutting the bathroom line at a bar is an abomination that should be punished by death.
As a computer tech sometimes the best answer I give doesn't actually solve the problem, but rather gets them off my back long enough till I want to deal with it.
I e-mail myself to do lists but then forget to check my e-mail.
A girl asked me what size I was down there. I responded, "Fun size."
Used coffee and soda cups are like mini-trash cans for your car's cupholders.
I think if I was a doctor that gave the results for STD tests my sex life would slow down considerably. Nothing breaks the mood quite like asking a girl for a pap smear sample before sex.
They should invent a wearable camera that automatically turns on when you start to blackout.
Why does my nose run like crazy, but the second I stand up to get a tissue it clears up?
Porn should change its warning labels from 18+ to, "This is not really how you are supposed to do it."
Whenever a girl says to me "I would give anything to..." I always have the urge to reply in a sleazy voice "Anything huh?"
Since I get Facebook messages sent to my cell phone I always am torn between answering immediately and admitting that fact or waiting awhile.
If my parents bought me a Wii Fit for Christmas I would I would say "Thanks I know I am fat."
If I was a hippo, would I find white spheres appetizing?
When I'm taking a shower and I drop the soap I think, thank god I'm not in prison.
I saw someone at a party that was incredibly drunk banging on the door to the apartment to get in. This would have been normal had he not been inside the apartment trying to get into the hallway.
If deodorant is not part of your morning routine I will avoid you like the filet-o-fish on the McDonalds menu.
I like to interrupt long and boring jokes by asking them is this a joke or a true story?
Can we bring back that cartoon about the sharks that say "Jawsome!"
I didn't forget to attach the assignment in the email professor, I just wanted to make the deadline and have more time to work on it.
I saw someone had a profile that said Music: Limp Bizkit, Papa Roach, Disturbed, Linkin Park. 6th grade called I think they want their Myspace profile back.
Ikea's furniture is so shitty. One time I was climbing my bookshelf and the second I started jumping on it the thing fell apart. Fuck Ikea.
Diamond salesmen are geniuses. So wait a Cubic Zirconia looks the same and costs hundreds of dollars less? Yes, but you obviously don't love your girlfriend if you buy her this. Fuck!
I want to have a babysitter that would refer to my kids casually as "little shits."
I still use the L trick to determine my left from my right.
Why is sound recorder in the entertainment category for Windows?
Returning a cell phone to a one night stand is awkward to say the least.
College professors in movies must write equations on the board regardless of the class they teach. Oh hey English professor, why are you writing E=MC2?
I wonder if there was an increase in sales for goggles and feather hats after The Pickup Artist premiered.
Never ask a woman a question. She will not answer it and then question your motives.
This headache from drinking needs to go away so I can start drinking again.
Changing toothpaste brands is always a traumatic experience for me.
I like techno and am embarrassed by this fact. Therefore, I have to wait till all the roommates are gone before I can play it at its proper volume.
So I watch Desperate Housewives with the girlfriend and I missed one so I needed to catch up. However, I came to the realization that there is something worse than porn that your roommates can catch you watching.
You know when you're at a party and a song from Guitar Hero comes on and how everyone pretends to play the solo? What if Dance Dance Revolution had popular music and everyone at the party began stamping around like those kids in the arcade?
Whenever I am waiting in a long line I like to scream out "I'm about to go Black Friday in this bitch."
If you are at a training meeting for computers and it starts off "So this is a desktop..." You are in for a long day.
When I was driving back to school I accidentally cut someone off. They screamed "What are you blind?" and I yelled back "No just drunk." They kept their distance after that.
I wish there was an off button for my ears when my girlfriend has control of the radio.
I see these shows with a bunch of new police technology used to catch bad guys. I think their first priority should be making an undercover cop car that doesn't have a huge antenna.
I was handed a condom from a stranger and he said "Here you'll need this more than I do." I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an insult.
I never realized how interesting my fingers are until I am in a meeting.
Out of the box is the least out of the box phrase ever.
What did I touch to get all this shit under my fingernails?
In an intimate situation marshmallow fluff is not a substitute for whipped cream. Trust me.
Remember that kid who had the fake gum that would snap your finger when you tried to grab a piece? That kid was a fucking asshole.
Herpes and the telephone game are very similar. With both you have to pass it on and it usually ends up with someone receiving a telephone call.
I started my own "Facebook Experiment" because I wanted to see how many people wouldn't join my group. So far I am doing way better than those other ones.
The name Weight Watchers does not indicate improvement. I think they should change their name to consumer lessers. Also, if I was on their point system I would have leveled up on day one.
If I discovered an element, I would want it to have the abbreviation Fu. That way it would be every student in middle school's favorite element to say.
I never know the correct direction to thrust my pelvis for the song "Jump on it."
I used to love living in an all guys dorm. Early morning elevator rides with girls in sweat pants and high heels always made for interesting idle chit chat.
If I was a zombie I would probably think Keanu Reeves is a pretty good actor.
Why do teens have sex in horror movies when clearly that means they are going to die. If there was a psycho killer on the loose my girlfriend will remain unlaid until he is in jail.
A girl who was not well groomed asked me to go down on her. All I could think was no thanks I already flossed today.
I got honked at for doing absolutely nothing. It didn't make me angry just very confused.
There is a strip club near me called "Liquid Assets" Does that mean strippers are easily converted into cash?
I think portly is a much better way of calling someone fat.
If you take a shot of Everclear and it doesn't burn, you are probably already too drunk to be taking shots of Everclear.
For once I want to see a baby on board sticker on a motorcycle.
I saw a Brookstone massager that you sit on for "full body care". Ok Brookstone then a fleshlight is just to "illuminate your pants"
I have come to terms with being a 21 Lego-maniac but I haven't hit rock bottom because I will never buy those Star Wars sets.
I walked into the Apple store in the mall today. I saw the employees and clientele and threw up in my mouth a little.
The only time I'm for censorship on the radio is when I'm driving and the song contains a horn of any kind.
Realistic looking mannequins scare the shit out of me.
When pigs do fly (probably from genetic engineering) there is going to be a lot of crazy unrelated stuff going down.
I found the fastest way to lose weight is to eat a ton of food, weigh yourself, then go to the bathroom. Sure in the long run you gain weight but the short term satisfaction is worth it.
Yes mom, I do see all the clothes all over my floor.
Without fail the second I get a lather with shampoo the heater or washing machine turns on.
Just because I have porn on my iPod doesnt mean I'm a pervert... it means I'm a pervert on the go!
Anyone who spells the word come: cum should be shot on site.
I put up an "at the gym" away message more than I go. At least I think about going regularly.
I feel like a great comedian when my audience is all babies and my material consists of making faces.
I'm not a girl but I assume wisdom teeth is the oral equivalent of giving birth.
What's the point of High School reunions when we already know how everyone is on Facebook?
You can see the computer monitor fine from where you are standing, so why do you feel it necessary to ask for the computer chair.
I am very indecisive. Thank god for the undo close tab option.
So wait. I have to send in my gold first before you tell me how much it's worth? Nice try cashforgold.com.
I was going to question how drunk you really were in your story but luckily you listed every specific drink you had before getting to the point.
The only thing funnier than stand up comedy is some of the personals on Craigslist. They also make me feel like living in my moms basement isn't so bad.
Sometimes if I don't know how to spell a word when texting I usually just type the rest of the sentence wrong too. That way they think I don't care instead of not knowing how to spell definitely.
I wish I could write essays the same way DJs and rappers write lyrics. Randomly throughout the paper I would remind the teacher that "dis is a jon production!"
If aliens are so smart to travel through space, why do they crash so much?
I miss making collect calls from pay phones. Now my name is "Jon" instead of "Mom PickMeUp".
I only make eye contact with people I think I can beat up. I guess that's why girls always catch me staring at them.
jon7187 is a fan of...
Fans of jon7187
-
nunzio -
Jfab53 -
pbrees -
jessmess -
travesty -
MegaCoolMan -
ticklish721 -
theian -
MikeyLikes -
StephBone -
troysbucket -
Curls1234
-
InnocentBystander -
Chubz84 -
wissinger -
jonnymicros -
mags603 -
thenlydiawaslike
-
jamesaf -
chickad007
-
aophoto
-
nico13b -
cubemikey -
chriswhite2003 -
DescubrirElPastel -
mapgirl -
kinsella
-
CaptSi
-
oleary2282 -
jiggityjustin -
Tallman755
-
imisscali
-
gregschen -
claemmle -
cmadd13 -
jennyg1219 -
alicia
-
bigmax -
psupride5 -
deebs0527 -
hollybsain -
SlightlyFlustered -
samf22
-
CaptainAwesome
-
diggity -
appletastic
-
Badgers87
-
ofleury
-
MikeMcCarthy -
whatwhat -
pineapplecake
-
seagreen
-
tallmanfau -
hok8ie -
pecas7 -
moodieblues -
tateycakes -
udkyle8 -
TaraB33 -
heathunicorn
-
blithechaos -
sangwiches -
TheGroovyOne
