Ruminations
My weekend plans include my toasty bed and a stack of Matt Damon movies. My friends are making fun of me but I know, deep down, they are just jealous.
1 
Don't give me a "I'm coming over sometime later." I need you to specify how long until you arrive. Should I pop in some "Bond" or "It's Always Sunny"? This is important!
There are two more days until spring break and I'm sick. I'm gonna have words with my immune system. Harsh words. This is not acceptable.
My parents want a new computer with "email and online newspaper capability." Sometimes I don't think my parents realize how much they brighten my day.
Saying you enjoy coffee when all you've ever had is instant is the same as saying you enjoy sex when you're a virgin that's watched some porn. You have not experienced the real thing. You don't know what you're talking about.
I can do anything I damn well want to with my major, thank you very much.
Today I received an email from someone with the last name "Lounsebury." I read her name wrong, though, and became very excited which quickly lead to disappointment: "Angela Lansbury is coming here?! No way! Kick ass! ...Wait. Fuck. Never mind."
Sometimes I formulate a sentence just so I can say a specific word. "Shawn! It looks like everyone has gone amok! Amok, I say!" "What are you talking about?" "Nothing..."
I find it very rude when people invite me to have coffee with them then, the moment we sit down, they whip out their laptop and headphones. What am I supposed to do now? Watch them watch a video? How could this possibly be fun for me?
I did not watch one single moment of the Olympics, not even in passing. I have no regrets.
Today I discovered a loaf of two month old bread hiding in the back of my bread drawer. I also discovered that two month old bread makes excellent toast.
I don't understand the people that spend over an hour styling they're hair, especially when they're not even going anywhere. I think I look pretty okay for sauntering about my home and I don't even own a comb.
Who are these people that don't know how to go up or down the stairs properly (always stick to your right!) and why are they allowed to roam free on campus?
I love when the professor says they're picking the test questions from the homework. I hate it when I look at the test and realize they're the most obscure, hardest problems that even the TA doesn't know how to do off the top of his head.
I do indeed realize that all of the clocks in my apartment are set at different times. I don't care, though. Like any normal person, I use my cell phone to check the time.
I hate the people that come to class all sick, snotty, and gross. I hate it more when I'm one of them.
If you don't get it when I sing "Day Man" at you, then you're not a true "It's Always Sunny" fan as you had previously claimed.
I find it humorous when someone continuously glares at me after I call them on their bullshit. Do they think that's going to change anything? "Oh fuck, she's giving me a dirty look. I must have been in error! I take it back, I take it back!"
If you're gonna be half an hour late for a 50 minute class, you might as well skip the entire thing. It's just easier for everyone involved.
I feel like it's unnecessary for someone to get all huffy on my ass when they talk about "the cold" and I assume they mean the weather instead of the head variety. I live in Minnesota. Have they forgotten this?
Hey. So. Friend. I don't know what plane of reality you occupy, but over here with the rest of the world, eating a bag of Doritos and two Vaults is not "eating healthy."
You don't fucking raise your hand to ask a question when the professor is looking for volunteers to give presentations. Otherwise, you deserve whatever assignment you get. Idiot.
Sorry, no. Little freshman, you are not a director, actor, or playwright. You are just a theater major.
If we've had at least 20 classes together, we might as well become friends.
Trivial Pursuit - the game that shows you just how much you don't know.
I think there should be some sort of penalty for your friends when you tell them something and later they repeat it back to you, as if they were having an original thought. The penalty should be double if they do so in a condescending tone.
The phrases "inversely proportional" and "direct correlation" need to be retired.
Actually, my hair is supposed to look like that. Please don't "fix" it for me.
Every time I'm informed via email that tomorrow's class is canceled, I keep waiting for the professor to follow up with a second email telling us he's just kidding.
I can never spell when it's important and necessary. "Wait! Quick! Someone! How the fuck do you spell 'the'? It's important and necessary!"
Please stop asking me to spend the night at your place. We're not five or lesbians. Plus, there's only so many ways I can say, "I would rather sleep in a room that's not shared and on a bed that actually has sheets" without sounding like a bitch.
Professor, class ends at 8:50. I don't care if you got here at 8:07, you're not keeping me seven minutes late to make up for it.
If my life was like a musical, I'd fucking kill myself.
So, junior high kids, you don't have to get up at 6, you are driven to school, you get lunch breaks, you're done at 3, and you don't have 3.5 hour labs with a TA that doesn't speak any English, among other things. Stop whining, you little bastards.
I'm pretty sure if I had to use a slide rule instead of a calculator, I would not be a science major/math minor.
I think that if I am one point shy of, say, an A, I should get an A. However, if my C- is one point shy of a D, then I definitely deserve my C-.
Why do celebrities have charities? Why can't they just donate half of their millions and call it a day?
The best part about lectures with 500 students is that you don't have to stand up and introduce yourself or do in-class activities. You just get to sit back and watch the clock.
I know that cookie is sugar-free. You can't fool me with your trickery.
If we're going to trade, we should trade fair. My piece of chocolate is worth, at the very least, five non-orange Skittles.
Let's not play that game. Clearly my injury is worse than yours because mine is happening to me.
Oh, you're going to make me choose between my dog or you? Well, of course I pick my dog. I actually love him.
My mother told me she can't give me a hug because the stitches in my face "just look way too gross." So. How's that unconditional love thing going, mom?
Nothing makes me feel more like a serial killer than sneaking Cap'n Crunch at 3 am. "Okay. Let's do this. Let's pour this son of a bitch. Hey! One at a time! That's it. Hush. Hush my lovelies. You'll all get your chance. Yes. Mmm... quiet now..."
Yes, I realize I have had 12 years of violin lessons. However, this in no way prepares me to play the country song you requested. Why don't you ask the guy over there? I've heard he plays the fiddle.
When you're angry with your mother, it's very childish to send her an email boiling with rage. The mature thing to do is to hack into her account a few hours after you send the email and delete it before she sees it.
It's not fair that my dog's bed looks more comfortable than mine.
If you have to doctor your coffee up with 20 spoonfuls of sugar, don't own a coffee pot, and don't even know how to make coffee yourself, then you cannot claim to be a "die hard coffee fan." I'd say you're a fan of sugar, if anything.
We're exactly the same age. You have no right to call me "kiddo."
I shouldn't have to deal with popups of products I already own.
When I told you that your very young child was sucking on a paperclip, I wasn't judging your parenting skills. I did, however, judge when you yelled at me and told me you gave him the paperclip so he'd stop crying. I hope you choke and die someday.
Next time tell me you're "uncomfortable with city driving" before we set off so I can fucking drive. I plan to die in a better, more awesome way.
Sometimes I tell people I hate a show I haven't watched so they'll shut up about it. It's a bittersweet moment when I finally see it and enjoy it. I mean, yeah, it's great to have a new show to watch but it sucks that I have to do so in secret.
I'm very good at blocking out noise around me when I'm trying to concentrate on something or purposely ignore someone. The one voice I can't block out? My mom's. She wins.
If you a) didn't laugh at "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and b) think Robert Downey Jr. is unattractive, then you are no longer my friend. Now get the fuck out of my apartment.
It's simultaneously awesome and depressing when "It's too cold outside" becomes a legitimate excuse.
The spooky graveyard levels in video games are always the best levels.
Whenever I retrieve something from the basement - be it a blanket or computer paper - I always shake it out. You know, just in case a spider is waiting to attack from within.
I wish my sisters and I could magically look into the past together. Then I could finally prove my version of our shared memory is the correct one.
The worst part about starting another semester is trying to locate all the different classrooms. It doesn't help that my school is as big as a city, I don't know where anything is, and I need a GPS to get me across the street otherwise I get lost.
If I don't have a bookmark nearby, I use whatever is in reach - even if that happens to be trash.
Even though I'm told tracking information for my shipment won't be available until 24 hours later, I still like to check right away. Just in case.
I always become full of rage when I do the dishes by hand. "Little Sister, I know you ate that peanut butter with the spoon just to spite me. I'm going to smash in your face the next time I see you. Whore."
My dog gets very upset whenever he sees another dog or horse on TV; he barks until he realizes they're not going anywhere and then settles into a continuous growl. Today I found out Robin Williams is also upsetting to him. My dog kicks ass.
When I'm feeling bad about my appearance, I just take a stroll out in public. "Okay, I look better than that girl. Oh, WAY better than her. Wow. Huh. Yeah. Look at this one. Could always be worse... I look great today."
It's amazing how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep.
It's really disconcerting when one side of the shoelace is longer than the other.
If I don't even know where to begin studying, I just don't and call it a day.
Yesterday while studying I watched "Fracture," "Red Dragon," "Silence of the Lambs," and "Hannibal." Now the voice inside my head sounds like Dr. Lecter. Very sophisticated. I am quite enjoying this and may have to keep him as my in head voice.
It's so embarrassing when you tell someone they have food on their face and it's actually a zit, scar, or birthmark.
One of my goals in life is to flip the board of a board game off the table in a moment of justifiable anger.
I hate when I get out of the shower and I can't remember if I performed a vital shower activity like shampooing or soaping.
Who are these people that wear heels to class every day? What's the fucking point of wearing a shoe that causes you to walk slower than a deceased turtle and inhibits your ability to go down stairs?
I don't think "have a blast of fun" is necessary. I'm sure "have fun" or "have a blast" does the job.
I would rather awkwardly look through my test a thousand times for half an hour than be the first one to turn the damn thing in.
I don't really give a shit what you're whining about. I'm not listening. I'm preparing my own list of problems to walk you through which are far more tragic than yours. I just don't want to seem like the insensitive asshole that I totally am.
College means having handfuls of shredded cheese and a 16 oz. coffee for dinner.
Please, if you're going to use capitalization, use it properly. There's no need to capitalize random words or the first letter of every word in the sentence. The headache I get from just looking at your messages isn't worth it.
Don't use my name when speaking to me. It unnerves me.
If you "only" got 93% on the test, don't complain to those of us that got 71%. We don't give a fuck about your "just barely an A" and now hate you for making us feel worse about our score.
If I'm buying tampons and migraine medication, you can pretty much skip that "have a nice day" part because it's not happening.
Today while talking to a cute guy my gum fell out of my mouth and got stuck in my hair. Why can't this shit happen when I'm talking to a family member or friend? They already know I'm a complete loser.
I have found the best way to become alert in the morning is to take a direct hit of hairspray to the eyes.
I feel sorry for the poor suckers that decide to cheat off me during exams.
Whoever invented backpacks was seriously a fucking genius. Ever try to carry all that shit around campus in your arms?
Alright, professors. That's enough. No more polling the class for what they think the answer is. Only 6 out of 500 students actually raise their hands. The rest of us don't give a shit and would prefer if you just told us.
It's always disappointing when someone you know finds out about a site you've been visiting daily for years and have kept to yourself. "Oh goddamnit, Shelly. That site was mine. Never mind, I don't want it anymore... you've ruined it."
What do math and science textbooks have against contractions?
New rule: Tall people sit in the back. For everything. Always.
I would like to know the thought process of individuals that show up to exams without pencils.
Sometimes I put an empty container back into the fridge or cabinet if I don't feel like taking the trash out yet.
Hey, teens: Going to Walmart or Target just to take pictures of you and your friends in the store isn't funny or original.
Sometimes I stack all my textbooks on my desk and open a few to make it look like I'm studying more than I really am, which is not at all.
Oh what's that, Chris? Your name is Christopher? Well, fuck off, Chris. I'm not pronouncing your whole name.
As soon as my alarm goes off at 6, I start planning my naps for the day. “Okay, I have class at 8, 10, and 2 which means I can take a nap at 9, 11, and 3. Awesome. Let’s get this shit done so I can go back to bed.”
Sometimes when I hate someone for no reason, I wish they would do something mean to me so I could justify my hatred.
I hate when I'm reading an article online and at the bottom it says "click to read more" which I do but there's nothing more to read. All that energy and time I used clicking to read more was just wasted.
I hate when I'm so full I could puke but I just can't stop eating.
You know you're in college when one of the seating options in your place is a pillow duct taped to a crate.
My nail polish remover has "fragrance" listed as an ingredient. I would like to get my hands on some of this fragrance. I bet I would become very popular.
You know how the professor gives the highest and lowest grades for a test the day we get the tests back? It would be so depressing to be the person with the lowest grade.
If you have to advertise on TV, I'm not going to your school.
If you're a twentysomething and your favorite movie is "High School Musical," you have no right to make fun of me when I'm watching "Bourne."
I hate when I have a window open and my glass of water ends up smelling like outside.
I hate when I'm told I should want to do something because of my future career choice. "You should be clipping my dog's nails! You're the one that wants to be the vet!" I'll clip them in five years, thank you. And you will be paying me.
Am I the only one who thought "deep seeded" was "deep seated"?
I need to come up with a better way of committing items to memory: "So... I need to remember 114. Okay. My one cousin that I used to hang out with but never see anymore has a birthday on 1/17. That's almost the same as 114. Cool. Now I won't forget."
I don't know who comes up with phrases like "In it to win it!" but they are just the worst kind of people.
I wish Starbursts weren't individually wrapped so I don't feel like such a slob when I see the pile of wrappers left after I'm all done.
If I spill water down the sleeve of my fleece jacket, the rest of my day is ruined.
I hate when there's no mirror around so I have to judge how my hair looks based on touch.
There is no greater pain than having your mom force you to watch HGTV and TLC.
The best part about being sick on a Friday is that I can watch TV in bed at 9 and not feel like a complete loser.
I hate when I have a stuffy nose because then I have to decide if I would rather breathe or eat.
I could eat an entire bag of oyster crackers in public and I wouldn't feel a smidgen of guilt.
I hate when I have cream cheese but no bagels. I hate it more when someone suggests I have toast with my cream cheese. Yeah, that's not the same thing. Fool.
Do not tell me to "define normal." And wipe that smirk off you're face, you're not clever. Society has a norm. If you do something outside of this norm, you are not normal. There is your definition, you ass.
I think the patients on "Grey's" could benefit from Dr. House.
Hey, random guy: 90% of the time when I say I don't know what something is, I have the means to find out but I just don't care enough to actually do so. Don't waste 15 minutes of my time telling me what the thing I don't care about is.
I hate when I'm the first one in the classroom and the lights are off. I know I'm 20 minutes early, but I still freak out that no one is there yet. Is class canceled? Moved to another room? What do I do? Do I leave? Stay? Where is everyone?!
I would rather buy a new brush than clean the hair out of my current one.
Nothing pisses me off more than when I'm at the coffee shop and the person in front of me can't decide what kind of TEA they want. I mean... Fuck! I can't tolerate your stupidity. It's 7 am and I haven't had my coffee yet!
The power of mothers: When I was little, I wasn't allowed to go outside when a neighbor was mowing. They might run over a rock and that could fly out and hit me in the head. I still stay inside when I hear a mower, despite the odds against injury.
I don't understand why people put rugs over carpet. Isn't that a little redundant?
Nothing makes me more proud than when I'm in a class prior to its start and everyone realizes at the exact same moment that there's homework due, which no one's done, so we all band together to complete said homework in ten minutes.
Navigating through crowded buildings is like driving in traffic. Why do some people refuse to understand this?
Today my TA referenced a phone cord in relation to DNA. We all sat in collective silence for a moment, reflecting on the fact that there are no longer phone cords. Hmm, right?
I always hold my breath when people walk by me, even if I know the person doesn't smell bad.
You know those stairs that are too big to run up and make it awkward to walk at a normal pace? God, I hate those.
Have you ever had an entire conversation with someone only to find out afterwards they were on the phone? Do you notice that you end up hating the person for making you feel embarrassed even though it's not their fault? Yeah. I hate my roommate.
I don't repeat myself. Oh what was that? You missed what I said? Too bad. You will never know.
I strongly dislike hearing about the illnesses of other people. However, everyone is supposed to listen to me complain about my mild headache without rolling their eyes.
I never tell people what time I really woke up or went to bed. I fear they'll think I'm lying. So I lie.
I always blank on my phone number when asked even though I've had it for the last three years. I still remember the phone number I had in elementary school, though.
I hate when I'm on my computer in the school library and someone sits right next to me. Then I have to actually work on my research paper instead of just pretending to.
I hate when I'm complimented because then I have to compliment the person back. And sometimes, there ain't nothin to compliment. "Oh, thanks. Your... socks match awesomely. You should be proud."
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