Ruminations
I've always had the problem of trying to dunk cookies in milk and getting the milk too far down in the glass to reach with the cookie. Today I solved that problem by putting the milk in a bowl.
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Yeah I get it, some things when said the wrong way are offensive but if instead of just asking me to correct myself you say anything along the lines of "that's not politically correct" I will slap the piss out of you with my shoe.
What's with all the advertisements with Avatar? Coca cola, McDonalds, everyfrigginwhere else? Did half of the companies in the U.S. realize they hadn't gone overboard in advertising on a movie yet?
When I get too lazy for peanut butter and jelly I dip nutter butter cookies in jelly.
If you're wearing a t-shrit that says "hummer like nothing else" I'm guessing it's either a sex joke or you can't afford a hummer.
I just saw a new VW beetle. It was a "beetle sport". Do I even have to say what the hell?
I saw a girl I know working at Captain D's and it made me think that it doesn't matter if you're eating fish filets or fish tacos. Cheap seafood is a bad idea.
Keep the shot of espresso. I prefer my coffee served in buckets.
The idea of a metal framed umbrella just seems stupid to me. Sure you're staying dry but you'll still fry if there's any lightning around.
If you hit me because you see a certain kind of car and say I can't hit you back I'm going to hit you with my truck.
I think pin the tail on the donkey has potential as a drinking game. It would at last be interesting and with the hospital bills you'd remember what you did last night.
My remote is broken so instead of buying a universal remote I use a curtain rod to press the buttons on the tv from across the room.
I still don't understand how many of the people that text me got my number.
I keep forgetting that the part of the shopping cart where I put my bread was actually made for a child's butt.
When eating biscuits I put the jar of honey next to the fan on my laptop so it warms the honey. I do the same thing with refrigerated ketchup packets.
My cat's pur has turned in to a warning he's about to start biting. Furry little sadistic freak. It's not supposed to work like that.
Yogi the Bear is smarter than the average bear because he doesn't put really loud adds on tv.
I couldn't count how many times I've realized I wasn't wearing any underwear.
I just saw part of a new Scooby Doo movie. They put Shaggy in a red shirt. That's just wrong.
I have a friend that is very well known for turning up asleep on the couch in my den. If my granddad forgets his name he just says "the one that sleeps on the couch".
To bologna and spam: Go to lunch meat hell and don't come back. I'm sticking with turkey and real ham. Not spare ham.
Most of my missed calls are from sleeping on my phone.
Everyone acts like kittens are a plague. I like to think of them as fuzzy little foot warmers for when I sleep.
Mouse Hunt is my only reason for using Facebook.
I just saw something about subways cleaning with green sanitizers to prevent the spread of the flu. Why? I'd rather not get the flu. Kill a tree if you have to.
Does the new flu vaccine not make anybody else think of I Am Legend?
By picking up the phone at 3:00 in the morning I saved a friend from going hobo and sleeping in the park.
It's a scary feeling to make waffles and then not be able to find the butter in the fridge.
I hate being at a friend's house when the phone rings and he's not around.
What does wrestling have to do with saving polar bears and pandas?
I've seen some stretches in advertising but am I really supposed to believe that eating a twix will get me laid?
Oscar Meyer put a picture of their pre cooked bacon in a salad on the box but if I'm lazy enough to eat pre cooked bacon don't you think I'm just going to put it on a leftover cheeseburger?
I was reading something about blood alcohol levels and every time I saw BAC I thought bacon.
If you email me a video over three minutes I'm not watching it.
Why does the cell phone company always ask if I dropped my phone? I mean yeah, that's happened but I've done that about 20 times today. The real question is did I throw it and what did it hit.
I don't have the patience or concentration to follow the story in a musical.
I have a friend who drives a mustard yellow truck and wears his hat sideways. Wait, I need to replace the word friend.
Cookies and lemonade is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard of. Why would anyone use that to celebrate anything with regardless of age?
Yahoo's headline reads something about a skydiver surviving a fall. I think I saw this on an episode of King of the Hill.
Steak lovers, animal lovers, what's the difference?
I'd hate to meet the guy who decided ramen needed instructions.
Damn it. I'm going to have to move from Alabama. Chuck Norris is endorsing a candidate for governor.
Hidden Valley Ranch needs to stop focusing their commercials on vegetables. It goes so much better on chicken.
There's nothing quite like getting killed in mario to make me feel like a complete failure. Come on, I grew up with crash bandicoot and more demanding games like halo. Why can I not destroy this 2D classic?
Am I the only one who thinks being a super hero would suck? You'd have to fight crime and get a job. There would never be any sleep and spandex leotards with matching capes don't come cheap.
I just found out I share a birthday with Carlos Santana. I consider that a win.
I'm pretty sure my cat only comes home at night because he knows I'll feed him. Furry bastard.
If you call ten times in an hour, I know you're wanting me to do some kind of work and I still don't answer you can be sure I will keep ignoring you for the rest of the day.
The story on Yahoo.com read "Gender Test for Track Star". It was something about a south african runner who is believed to not be female. What I thought was hillarious is that the first part of the name on her jersey was Semenya.
Everyone has that pair of ripped, patched, re-ripped, re-patched and ripped again jeans. I call mine my franken jeans.
I decide on which meal to cook by how fast it will be to microwave later in the week.
I'm not in advertising but I seriously doubt the makers of "Yaz" thougth long about their commercials. A birth control pill commercial with a song saying "we're not gonna take it" just doesn't sound right to me.
Rarely, have I liked an upgrade to the Yahoo! home page. It usually just makes it harder to get to my email.
My bedroom has air conditioning. My kitchen has wifi. It's a constant struggle but wifi wins.
Will we ever decide between twist off and pop off caps for milk jugs? It's getting old.
It doesn't matter if it's one tea spoon or one table spoon. It's really one cap full.
After working at a summer camp I've learned there is a difference between working 15 hour shifts and 15 hour days. One really sucks and the shorter one I've never experienced.
McDonalds doesn't deserve to serve angus burgers.
There is no legitimate reason not to eat peanut butter pie other than "I don't have an epi pen".
There's a deer standing in my front yard and honestly it's making me a little hungry.
I often find myself trying to moved bits of dust or hair off my computer screen with the mouse pointer.
I think any kind of televised political event should be interrupted by men in blue uniforms running around yelling "Cobra!" and shooting lasers in the air. It would make it a lot more interesting and I'd pay more attention.
I wish there was an emoticon to "flip the bird".
I don't care if I found you wandering naked through the streets talking to yourself. If you haven't seen the breakfast club I want to fix that.
Spaghetti is slippery on the plate and the sauce shows up well on lightly colored carpet.
Blink 182 is the band that always sounded so happy nobody ever thought to censor them.
I listen to pandora radio online and feel oddly powerful when I click the thumbs down button saying I don't like the song. Not metal enough click, sold out click, having a bad day click.
I love to grill out and I have a few rules for when I do. The only one I have for marinating the meat though is use plenty of beer.
Anytime you decide you know a room well enough to walk through it in the dark you'll always learn within three seconds that you forgot about moving the furniture earlier in the day.
Getting to my keyboard usually involves putting my cat in a choke hold to drag him off the desk.
Good tasting granola cereal is a double edged sword.
So my grandmother yelled at me the other day, and I do mean yelled, for putting too much peanut butter on my sandwhich.
Fact of life: I will always accidentally throw out rechargable batteries.
Ever since I started watching The Unit Dennis Haysbert's commercials for Allstate seem much more threatening and forceful.
If I dump a handful of strawberries on chocolate cake is it ok to eat it for breakfast? Because that's all I can find.
Nice Cadillac. I wonder what it would look like and how much less it would cost with Chevrolet markings.
Did anyone else ever wonder what superman did with the suit he ripped off in the phone booth or what the next person in there would have thought?
Have you ever seen someone driving and thought "Wow, they're about to wrap that shiny new sports car around a tree."?
I recently witnessed more than watched a very sad rap battle but it wasn't fruitless. It made me think of how Mike Roe and Morgan Freeman should have narration battles.
Pushing a shopping cart has the same rules as driving a car but harsher penalties. For example, if you fail to yield I'll beat you with my two liter pepsi bottle.
I just had to explain what the phrase "ass hat" means to my mom. Fun.
The only difference between flirting and being nice is intent.
Here lately I've been waking up with the phone cord wrapped around my neck? What's my subconcious trying to do to me?
I think I've discovered a huge design flaw. Shouldn't bar chairs be made closer to the floor? Sure they reach the bar better this way but I'd rather be closer to the ground when I fall.
Hey cat, I don't brush your fur for you. I brush it so you don't shed so much and so your summer coat doesn't feel like I'm petting carpet.
A friend of mine tried to decide what animal each person in a large group of friends would be on both personality and looks. With the guys he had a lot of fun. Panda, bulldog and so on. With the girls it was just "cat, cat, cat, cat".
Have you ever forgotten how to type in the middle of a word and then had to wait a few seconds to let your mind start again?
I just had my worst day in months, but there was something about watching that video my dad sent me of the prius and it's owner getting shot (theatrically) that made it so much better.
Why is it you can never find Chinese food when you want it like crazy?
All my cat has done today is move from one nap place to another. I wish I had a life like that, I mean come on, I spent over four hours crawling around under a house today.
My mom used to like to argue with my dad about traffic laws, especially fourway stops. He's a twenty something year veteran police officer who has worked as a traffic accident investigator and your usual traffic cop. See anything wrong here?
Are we ever going to agree to stop changing between the twist off and pop off cap for milk jugs every six months?
Birds that sit outside my window and chirp at eight on a saturday morning are why I own a shotgun.
I've always wanted the phone number 2937663 so if anyone wants my number they'll never forget because they just call "awesome".
I don't care if you call them sweet potatos or candied yams. I don't care if you like them or not. They will always be the visual dog doo of side dishes.
I have a cat named after Jimi Hendrix and he's extremly war like and not peace loving at all. I have another cat named after Atilla the Hun. He is quiet and stays out of the way. I think I'll start naming my cats after they are fully grown now.
Some people call chicken noodle soup comfort food. I prefer steak and potatos.
If I'm at your house and turn on the tv only to see it's on the scifi channel I'm probably not coming back.
Whe I turned in my first descriptive narrative essay to my writing comp professor she told me I was very detailed and talented at building suspense. Looks like her and every girl I've had phone sex with has something in common.
Sure i'm an 18 year old guy but don't think i'll hesitate to watch the powerpuff girls marathon when It's on.
I miss the days that environmentalists drove Jeeps and VW mini buses. Back then they were kinda cool.
The best way to keep from worrying about your daughter and what she's doing on dates and at parties is just have a son and stop there.
If you slap a green sticker on a 50 year old product It's automatically environmentally friendly.
In the song Mr. Brightside it doesn't matter how many times i've heard it i still expect her to be touching something other than his chest.
If natural selection worked then nobody would watch professional wrestling.
I think my family is half Catholic and half bunny rabbit. I'm tired of meeting new cousins.
Don't you hate hearing a song on the radio but only hearing a few words for all the static?
What's the point of reduced fat peanut butter? I never thought of it as unhealthy.
I could never be in the navy. I'd be too afraid to stand on the edge of the ship to "man the rails" because there are no rails.
My remote went out earlier, well everything but the volume control. I'm a full three feet away from the tv and could easily lean from my computer to change the channel. Needless to say I am watching "Organized Crime" on The History Channel.
Las Vegas is in the middle of a desert. It makes no sense to me that all the big hotels have those massive fountains in front of them.
I always wonder how much phone sex increases when gas prices are higher.
A friend of mine took my phone and switched my dialing font to purple. I know how to change it back and it is no problem to do so...but it doesn't bother me...until I dial her number.
Mountain Dew throwback just tastes like cheap Mountain Dew and I'm guessing it is.
Not only did I not watch the first two, I never knew they made a "The Grudge Three".
It's hard to look threatening in flipflops or any other kind of sandles.
I found out that by walking around with cousins that are a few years younger and smaller than me that I look more muscular and get checked out more often. I may have to borrow these guys when I go home.
Is there any point in buying an expensive wallet? Think about it.
If you call or text as I am trying to send a text and I lose it then I hate you a little.
I never want to see another vampire novel with the phrase "love at first bite" on the cover.
I just saw a small truck with a car bra. I question the driver's manhood.
Wow fedex, it shows my new phone is sitting ten miles away from my house. It got there at eight this morning but it's still supposed to get here about three. Way to go.
Accusing me of cheating is like saying "hey you should do this after I dump you".
Ashton Kutcher never had to act during That Seventies Show.
Has anyone ever seen a well made air conditioner commercial? Or any kind of appliance?
If the word or phrase is common usage then let it go.
If you're the one from out of town then I'm not the one with the accent.
I wonder how old I will be the first time I put eggs in my golf bag and try to hard boil a golf ball.
I just saw the new burger king commercial with aliens stealing the guy's Star Trek collector's glasses. He sarcastically asked the aliens to steal his girlfriend too. My question is whether or not it is possible to have both a girlfriend and Star Trek collector's glasses.
When I start to see only the couples who do not have sex in a horror movie getting killed I will know our culture is morally bankrupt.
Ok. Money doesn't grow on trees. We know that. Technically a dollar bill is cotton cloth so it comes from a cotton plant. With the abundance of cotton fields here in the south doesn't that mean we should all be rich?
I just saw a news clip about people in a trailer park telling about a tornado coming through. This just fulfilled every Jeff Foxworthy joke I have ever seen.
Whenever I get a haircut I get really excited because there will be hats I can wear that haven't fit in months.
After watching The Matrix I have realized that any movie with a green tint is just awesome.
There's something about beer that makes any batter taste better.
Chips in a can, who would have thought they'd be so awesome?
Was Jack Black really the best idea for the role in the new King Kong? I mean yeah, he fits the part, jack ass, idiot. But Jack Black? Really now?
Hello thunder. I know you are only here to torment me with the decision between carrying an umbrella and risking electrocution and not carrying one and getting soaked. My raincoat is next door and it doesn't look like you will pass anytime soon. My move.
I named my cat after Jimi Hendrix. This is ironic because he is not peace loving and laid back at all. Instead he fights not just mice, moles, ground squirrels and other cats but also goats and wins. Way to go war kitty.
I judge the state of our economy on the quality of new commercials. Needless to say, we are in for trouble.
Chinese food, you are amazing. For the entire thirty minutes before I eat again.
The first time I cussed in front of my mom it was a direct quote from her about five seconds prior.
There is no worse feeling with a scantron test than marking an answer, erasing it and marking something else and then finding you were correct the first time.
The saying is "history is written by the winners". I disagree. If I conquer your entire country and population you can be sure I'll be dictating the history to you. I'm too tired from killing to write so do it. Yeah thats how the conversation would go.
Ok, it's official. If we're on the phone talking and we both say bye or you finish what you are saying and I say bye hurriedly trying to get off the phone then don't start talking again. Not only do I not care what you have to say now, you'll be lucky if I catch half of it.
Don't tell me tasers are torture. If it takes 50,000 volts to put a drunk driver on his butt then so be it. I just want to see a video of it so I can laugh.
The weight loss secret that everyone has been missing for years: mowing the yard. I mow 20 a week and lost 20 pounds in two weeks. Funny how when I pay to go to the gym nothing happens but when others pay me to mow there grass I turn skinny.
On Earth Day I like to barbecue or grill out. I do this because I remember that population control is very important.
Warning labels do nothing more than get in the way of natural selection.
There's a big difference between sugar free chocolate and chocolate made for diabetics. One just kinda sucks. The other sucks these big hairy things called monkey balls.
Show me a guy willing to make a hybrid muscle car and I'll show you a guy I'll shoot if he touches my 63 plymouth.
How much longer do we have to go before politically correct means instead of telling you to go screw yourself I have to say "go give yourself self gratification"?
Oh sure riding a bike to work is great when you live in a city. I on the other hand live 10 miles out from the edge of town so kiss my ass. I'll drive my truck.
Don't say I hate the environment because I drive a truck. For one, it's a small s10 with a reasonable engine. Second you can't hall lumber in a prius. Just because all you have to do is carry a laptop and latte around doesn't mean I don't have different needs.
If little kid's hands are so small then why are their pencils bigger?
As small as Rhode Island is do they really need counties there?
Dear Lisa Lamponeli. You have no talent. All you do is go on stage and talk with an annoying voice and whine. The only thing about you even vaguely humorous is the fact that your dresses could make Drew Carey's Mimi shiver. Thank You.
Who else remembers when you would invite a friend over to listen to a cd? Just a cd. And it was a big deal too.
Mmmmm frozen m&m's, cold pizza, ramen and half a 2 liter. Breakfast of champions...and college students.
Oh sure, Catch 22 is hard to follow but it does provide one very important life lesson. Nothing makes any friggin sense.
If this "green" thing doesn't go away soon I'll paint my lawn blue.
My cat broke out of a pet taxi and jumped from the back of my truck while doing 50 down the highway. He is such a badass it could have been a sequel to "The Great Escape".
How does juicy fruit sell? It tastes so nasty I have to chew stride or something right after.
If you are protesting a war and get violent you completely deserve to be shot with rubber bullets.
How bored was the first guy to find out you could boil water in a paper cup?
Congratulations, you beat me at Guitar Hero. That's just such a major accomplishment you should leap around the room gloating for the next five minutes bragging about how much better you are than me. Well I think I'll go find a date. Have fun with your playstation.
If you say anything followed by the phrase "in space" I hope rabid wolverines tear your face off.
When France takes some kind of action instead of complaining then maybe and only maybe will I care what France has to say.
Eating instant noodles every meal and not being in college at the same time is a long way of saying instant fail.
Alright, so you're the assistant manager at a fast food restarant. Believing this makes you more successful than the people who quit years ago to go on to bigger and better things in not an epic failure but it's dang close.
When connecting the dots did anyone else ever have trouble figuring out if the line should be straight or round and if it's supposed to be round how much?
Yeah I'm a guy that has no problem eating a salad. So just consider it a compromise when I put half a grilled chicken in there.
If Heaven had a flavor it would be hazelnut. If Hell had a flavor it would be that coffee you just burned.
You can ride a bike with no handle bars? Thats great. I can laugh when you hit a tree and not feel any pain myself. That's priceless.
I eat dry Ramen noodles mostly to see the horrified look on your face. Ever had rice cakes? Same taste. Ever been scared by a guy with a chainsaw? Same look on your face.
I was once dumped for texting another girl that I consider a cousin and lives over 300 miles away. Is it even possible to be so insecure you see that as a threat?
Congratulations on the brand new car with 24 inch rims, 12,000 watt speaker system and flames painted on the side. Also...nice trailer. What is it? A double wide?
Sometimes I wear tight jeans just to see who looks. Old lady, check. Future ex girlfriend, check. By far my favorite though was my extremly hot biology teacher back in high school. Check!
Is there nothing more awkward than having to stand next to a door waiting on someone while people are going in and out? I just start texting people to look busy.
There was no bigger tease as a kid than Toys 'R Us. Everything in there looked so amazing and looked like so much fun but who can afford that? The prices were so ridiculously high.
One time while riding a fourwheeler I took off down a hill. One guy asked a friend of mine why I don't do all the crazy stuff the rest of them do. He replied "James is just a safe driver". About that time I hit a ditch doing about 45 and nearly flipped over then handle bars. Thank you...jack ass.
I don't care what my pectoral muscles look like, if you are a friend's girlfriend I do no want you to poke my chest and tell me how hard chest feels.
Belgium: Where the most awesome waffles come from.
Is there any feeling better than seeing an ex who hurt you and realizing they are completly miserable? I guess it's just sick humor but I laugh.
No. I really do not care what your g.p.a. is. So why do you keep telling me?
If I walk up to you and yell loudly "You whore!" I probably don't mean it. If I say it quietly then yes. I probably mean every mean thing I say about you.
Yes it's true. Most babies look like Winston Churchill but have you ever looked at Winston Churchill and said "awe look at the cute little baby"?
Yes I understand why I have to take English Composition and Western Civilization classes even for a two year electrical technology degree. That doesn't mean I can't complain anyway.
We've had mint flavored gum since the 20's, Hard breath mints for who knows how long, mint in tea since I don't even want to know. Why did it take so long to come out with mint flavored chapstick?
When I go to myspace and under the "people you may know" box it says "sorry, an unexpected error has occurred...I wonder if they mean something by it.
Is lipstick on a pig really a bad thing? Everyone deserves to be pretty.
Why is it I can write a paper on complete bull during class but as soon as I get home I just want to procrastinate?
Who thought up ridiculously loud and battery draining alerts to tell me my cell phone battery is dead without giving me a way to turn them off. Yes, I know my battery is about to die. Now shut it.
If I had a night vision goggles I'd never turn on. Not even to go to the kitchen and make a sandwhich.
France: The German vacation spot every ten or twenty years...or if you prefer, Germany Land, the ammusement park formerly known as France.
Autozone: The one place where you look successful with transmission fluid and oil on your shirt.
I can see wii tennis, wii boxing and even wii golf on a rainy day but if you are too lazy to bowl should you still be breathing?
There is nothing more annoying than a mini van passing you doing 80. I used to drive one and they do over 140 easily.
If Im stopped at a crosswalk in front of walmart and Im waving you across and you stand in front of my truck talking to a friend you just became an opossum.
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