Ruminations
I feel real cougars would be insulted to know our culture has paid them homage by using their name to describe a ridiculous car with 90 feet of hood and a group of middle-aged women who squeeze themselves into Spanx "hunt" dudes at college bars.
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Unless it's cookies, most homemade gifts usually suck. Thanks, but next time could you get me the ones done by people who do this for a living because these pants you made me look like capris.
Standing with your Oscar and pointing out how all the losers are actually better actors than you are is more condescending than yelling "suck it, I won bitches."
Ladies, if you are under the age of 35 and I see you still using a flip phone--I view it as the technological equivalent of rocking mom jeans.
In a relationship, you can be penalized for witholding the slightest detail no matter how minor. "Wait a minute, you never told me your brother's best friend's cousin also went to the same high school as I did." How come we don't share anymore?
There would be a huge reduction in the times I have to resign myself to "well, it's the thought that counts" thinking if my friends and family simply had more expensive thoughts.
The experience of getting set-up is drastically depending on the gender of your matchmaker. When girl sets you up, you know everything about your date from childhood pets to food allergies. If it's a guy, you get "here's her number, I'd bang her."
It is really hard to get invested in the Winter Oylmpics when I do not know the rules to these obscure sports. Oh, the guy is skiing, he is supposed to stop, shoot a gun at something and then keep skiing. Just like we used to play when I was kid.
Facebook wants everyone to post a picture with the love of their life so I have spend the evening trying to capture the perfect picture of me gazing lovingly at a chicken finger.
I think it is sweet justice that this snowstorm is happening on a weekend and fucking up a regular day off for teachers. I am tired of their ridiculous schedules. Maybe they can console themselves with the 90 days in a row they get off mid-year.
I like to walk up to guys who wear scarves inside and eat cotton candy at carnivals and ask them if they forgot that they own a penis.
The easiest way to ruin a day is to get a "save the date" card for a wedding that is more than a mile from where you live.
Ram-Man would have been the ultimate wingman. He gladly did all of He-Man's dirty work. Uh, Ram-Man another dude is moving in on my target. No problem, let me just fly across the bar, knock him, and resume my life of not getting laid.
Thanks Joey Lawrence for the year of high school I spent wearing one long-sleeve shirt as well as one inexplicably tied around my waist. It worked out about the same as all my high school strategies to impress girls-tremendous disappointment.
It is rare to get a gift that is worth the nuisance of having to write a thank you note.
The friend who proclaims to be an "awesome wingman" is always a total disaster when out at a bar. I would get better results if I brought my grandmother out and she used her standard cheek pinch coupled with "isn't my grandson so handsome?" line.
My New Year's resolution is always the same--try not to mock my friends when they fail miserably at keeping their promises. However, I find I can't resist saying "I told you so" to a person inhaling a Big Mac and chain-smoking Marlboros on Jan 5.
It is so annoying when a doctor prescribes me medication before the weekend that cautions me not to drink, drive or operate heavy machinery. If there is one thing I like to do to unwind on a Saturday--it is fire up my bulldozer and fork lift.
Dating takes things we love to do with friends--eating and drinking and wraps a big awkwardness blanket around it. It's like going to R-rated movies with your parents as a teenager--I know I should like the sex scenes, but I just can't enjoy it.
I was telling my married friend about a story from my single life and he said "wait--don't talk so fast I want to enjoy this." So I said okay--I woke up at 11am, went to the gym, took a nap, watched Sportscenter . . . he started to cry.
My laziness in buying gifts has reached an all-time high. This year I am going to just write "gift certificate to the world" on $50 bills, crumple them up and throw them at my family members.
It should be socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to holiday gatherings. It is not possible to truly enjoy myself when I am constrained by denim the entire night.
As an ex-server, the waiter would have an easier time believing your "I did not like my meal complaint" if there was a morsel of it left on the plate. So the "disgusting" calamari jumped into your mouth against you will? Simmer down, fatty.
In junior high, I would have rather suffered the caustic chemical burn than using the emergency shower in the middle of science class that required disrobing in front of twenty-five 7th graders.
Let's get it together aunt who graciously invites me to Thanksgiving where I eat absurd quantities of food, drink too much alcohol and do not help clean up--I refuse to eat mashed potatoes if they do not have the in-ground gravy pool in the center
Hey--waiter at Mexican restaurant. Remember 3 minutes ago you gave our table that giant basket of warm chips and now all that's left is wax paper I am considering licking. Let's dispense with the "do we want more chips?" cat and mouse game.
I would have not done well with the romantic techniques of the 1950s. I have never seen anyone "necking,"it seems a lot more annoying than sexy.
I think the most popular dog movie of all time would be one where the dog lives and all the people die.
I don't care how "authentic" this Italian restaurant is that you want us to go to. If they do not serve mozzarella sticks, I am not going.
All it takes is an all-inclusive resort, crowded swim-up bar, and a misguided number of Mudslides for you to realize-you do have a lot in commonn with middle-aged couples from the Midwest and where have these awesome people been hiding.
If your favorite sports team is in the playoffs and you tell me that you can't watch the game because it is on too late,the team should be able to ban you as a fan and you should not be allowed to comment on sports ever again.
If your definition of doing something on Sunday does not mean doing absolutely nothing while watching 6-12 hours of TV . . . our relationship is not going to work out. I am looking at you friend that just texted me about going for a walk.
Thanks for the tomatoes from your garden and the annoying obligation of reporting back my critique of your pseudo-farming skills. Those tomatoes were so great . . . "so tomato-y" . . . put me down for a no on next season's amateur crop.
For all those couple who won't elope because they think I don't want to miss their special day . . . I will be okay--you two crazy kids go right down to City Hall or Vegas and leave my Saturdays alone.
The best way to tell if you have a good personal trainer is that at some point during the work-out you think . . . this guy belongs in a mental institution.
Pumpkin- you are a coy bastard. You come out once a year and infiltrate all of our normal items of consumption and then fade into obscurity for the other 11 months of the year. You are the Chris Tucker of the food world.
A guy can use an exclamation point in a text if they have either hooked up with a model or they are seriously injured and about to die. I mean really about to die, not just "I put a nail through my food I have to go to the ER type of injury."
Parents that care about the freshman year of their sons refrain from posting on their facebook wall. It's impossible to look cool with "Have a great year. Live your dream. Love, Daddy!!" on your wall. Well, you can cross sex off that dream list.
In a recent study, 100% of guys above the age of 14 who brought their gloves from home to a major league baseball game did not also bring a girlfriend.
Coloring outside the lines is probably not the sign your child is a future genius who can not be constrained by the norms of society--it is more likely your child just sucks at coloring.
I get it pretentious chopstick using friend glaring at me during our authentic meal at Big Al's China Palace, you are a better person than me and one step away from speaking Mandarin so let me use my fork and enjoy my General Tso's in peace.
People seem to be more comfortable throwing away family heirlooms than the soy sauce packets they give you with Chinese food.
Let's agree to make things less creepy and awkward out there and agree to eliminate the wink as an accepted from of non-verbal communication.
I was going to get one of those barb-wired bicep tatoos in college, but then I remembered there was a time when I thought I looked cool in Tevas and braided belts. I think it is always best when a guy's "tool-related" paraphernalia is removable.
You want me to try one of those beers you brewed yourself? Remember your nasty easy bake oven brownies that your parents had to choke down with a smile. Well, I was not involved in creating you so I will take a fucking Heineken.
In this economy, instead of no strings attached sex a real friend with benefits would pay for your health insurance and contribute to your 401K.
Screw your complicated dressings--my McNuggets (or anything for that matter) taste better with neon orange Sweet n Sour sauce.
Whenever someone askes me to play charades, I immediately give them the finger and when they say, "hey, what's that for?"--I tell them no, that is not the right answer. The right answer is--"how I feel about playing charades as an adult."
Hey pretentious waiter-you brought me half a thimble of your fancy homemade mango chutney ketchup. I see your move and raise you the plastic 64 oz. container of Heinz I have hidden under the table. Tell the chef to stick this mango ketchup up his ass.
I think calling "shotgun" would be a lot less popular if you actually were forced to defend your mode of transportation (a la days of the Pony Express)instead of just trying to avoid the nuisance of squeezing into the back of a two-seater Civic.
If your job used the standards of Major League Baseball to discipline their employees, I truly believe total chaos would occur. People would love to throw a stapler at an annoying co-workers head and get a mere one week suspension.
Do you think dogs try to spice up their sex lives by doing it "people style"?
There should be a law against males and people over the age of 22 buying convertibles. It should be called the maintaining your dignity law.
Fireworks are an insult to your intelligence level after the age of 5.
Why do girls "fight over guys?" I am a guy and know a lot of guys and we are not worth fighting over. If I was a girl, I would put more effort into fighting over a good prize like a lifetime supply of Cheez-its instead of fighting over a guy.
I would give females credit for being more genuine than males if their assessment of confident versus cocky for guys that they meet was based on other factors than the attractiveness level of the guy.
In her popular song, Kelis sings "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" which I know is some type of sexual reference. However, I think she would have attracted just as many guys if she was actually serving real milkshakes.
A person can verbally explain they are about to make a series of terrible decisions or they can simply show you by ordering a Long Island Iced Tea as their first drink of the night.
Let's call hiking what it is--walking with the possibility of encountering a rock not a sport that is vying for the next Olympics.
Just threaten the terrorists with the prospect of watching every inning of the 162 game baseball season. They will be pointing out Osama Bin Laden's location on google maps by the 5th inning of the Astros-Pirates game on opening day.
Posting on your girlfriend's wall with some type of inside joke is the cyberspace equivalent of sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant. It is nauseating to the rest of us.
I think the milkman was the John Mayer of his generation. People must have been like "how does that guy get so many women?" and furthermore how does the milk for his other customers not go bad when he is inside having sex with Mrs. Jones.
Easy everyone. They just put tables on the sidewalk. No need to freak out about being able to eat outside. I will gladly take the table inside where the temperature is controlled and car exhaust is not the complimentary condiment.
When talking to people, it would be a lot easier if I could do both sides of the conversation.
I was not on the debate team but I think your argument on the right to bear arms would be strengthened by any or all of the following: a shirt with sleeves, a mulletectomy, and teeth.
I feel like designers have some type of Oylmpic event-- a "no way we can get a guy to wear this ridiculous design at this absurd price." You win the gold Ed Hardy.
If all it took to be successful was a musical montage and a steely look of determination. I would probably be able to win a karate tournament, fight city hall, and fix all the problems in my personal and professional life in 3 minutes or less.
People who claim to be mysterious are just trying to find a nice way to say socially awkward.
My mentor in his fifties tried to coerce me into attending a gala where I would be the youngest by about 20 years by highlighting the fact that there would be cougars there. I had to inform him that the cougar label stops at about age 45 and that these women would be more appropriately called sabre-toothed tigers.
I think people who lived 200 years ago would be ashamed of what has happened to the human race through twitter. Oh, you guys have time for updating people on what you are eating or that you are tired from work. You must have it tough. Let me see that thing--here is me twittering 200 years ago--trying to survive a bear attack, fighting diptheria, birthing my 8th child. I am sorry your "salmon was overdone" or you hate "waiting for a taxi in the rain." You people in 2009 really have hard lives--I have to go kill dinner now.
"You looked good cleaned up" means that your standard day to day level of attractiveness does not even register with the person who gave you the compliment and that same person is genuinely shocked that there is a combination of formal clothes, make-up and hair products that give you the illusion of being hot. But who are we kidding ...as soon as that tux goes back to Mens Wearhouse you will disappear back into the pool of non-attractive people.
I think real stalkers would be insulted by people who call themselves "facebook stalkers." Oooh, you click around on different profiles hoping to find tagged pictures of that cute chick you met in a bar. You are so edgy and dangerous. Try camping out in front of Jennifer Aniston's house wearing a diaper and night vision goggles--then maybe we'll talk.
The way I eat in the comfort of my apartment is simply not suitable for public viewing. Let's just say in one hand I have a chicken cheesesteak and the other hand a diet coke. When some honey mustard makes a break for it and ends up on my forearm--I mentally get the team together and send my tongue into the game.
Guys: Lorenzo Lamas called and even he says the ponytail is officially over.
Goldilocks teaches young children a very valuable lesson about what happens when they grow and that lesson is what will happen if you invite your friends over after drinking. They will eat all your cooked/uncooked items, break things, and at the end take no responsibility for their actions.
There is a critical moment in every failed relationship where one person goes from liking the other person to basically hating them. It would be easier if that person just told the other person they hate them instead of acting it out like a bad game of charades for the next 1-50 years.
I am totally mystified by unemployed people who are out of shape.
For people who still use hotmail and refuse to switch to gmail-this group is similar to those people who move out of the city into the suburbs when they are still young but emphatically claim they will still be able to hang out just as much because it is a short drive to the city. You can string a group of words together to make your argument appear valid, but it does not make what you are saying any less absurd. Certain things just suck (hotmail accounts and suburban life for young single people).
There is only one test to find out who your best friend is--the person who would provide you with clean urine no questions asked.
He would be called Metabolically Challenged Albert if the cartoon was started in the politically correct environment of 2009.
If the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team needed to recruit an expert from the world of cereal box characters, I am pretty sure Frankenberry would be their first choice. How many monsters can pull off a pink leisure suit?
I do not care how expensive the food is--that does not make me like ketchup any less.
The only reason a guy is ever allowed to eat a crepe is if he is trying to impress a girl.
Couples who sit on the same side of the table at a restaurant should only be allowed to do so if they legitimately believe (a la 4 year-olds) they have an imaginary couple they are friends with sitting across from them and interact with them accordingly throughout the meal. I feel this would be less ridiculous than actually choosing to sit shoulder to shoulder with your significant other. Why not just take it up a level in absurdity and share the same chair and utensils.
Companies would help us all out if they asked their potential employees if they hated people BEFORE putting them in charge of answering phone calls 10 hours a day. That one question should actually be the whole interview--do you hate people? No, well you are a true rarity and clearly are going to be a stand-out in the world of customer service because to tell you the truth the rest of our employees absolutely hate their fellow human beings.
The premise of Hes Not That Into You is that a girl should not worry if a guy is not totally convinced of the girl's unrivaled awesomeness. A somewhat harsh, but more realistic title to explain singlehood (for both sexes) would be--You Might Suck More Than You Think You Do.
Wendy's should reinvent itself as the most eco-friendly fast food restaurant by highlighting their commitment to the green movement through the use of the world's most awesome plastic utensil--the spork. Tongue laceration while consuming mashed potatoes is a small price to pay for saving the environment.
Unseasonably warm weather really makes otherwise normal adult professionals totally lose their mind.
You know a girl feels comfortable with you when she stops pretending to like salad with dressing on the side and starts stealing your chicken fingers and fries.
If you are a guy, here is the rule on bandanas. If you are dressing up like Hulk Hogan for Halloween or you are actually Hulk Hogan--bandana wearing is permitted. All other situations male bandana use is strictly prohibited.
Apparently people above the age of 60 can not remember what it is like to have a life that does not operate with a start time of 5 am and total shut down at 8pm. Please do not call me before 9 am for any reason. If you do, I am going to give you a call on my way out Friday night at 11:30pm and say, "hey, 60 plus person--would you like to talk about that low priority, non-urgent thing that we have tentatively planned sometime in the next month?"
I am going to give you a fail-safe diet plan. During the week, if something tastes good--do not eat it under any circumstances. On the weekend, eat whatever you want. I am sorry but if you want to lose weight (and maintain it) there is not room for Big Macs for lunch on Tuesday or excessive cake consumption for an office celebration. Unless you are training for the Olympics, you can only enjoy eating 2 days a week if you also enjoy wearing clothes without elastic.
At least Obama will be able to take office without any unrealistic expectations being placed on him. All he has to do is provide each of us with our own personal Monopoly bank and take down Al-Queda using sharks with lasers on their head. It will probably take at least 5 days before the euphoria of the extremely patient American public turns to chronic disappointment.
If Eagles fans were in the championship of a pain-inducing league where their only competition was a team made up of people banging their heads against a brick wall--they would be Super Bowl champs every year.
If you are a guy and use hehe to express laughter through text or email, you may have to forfeit your guy card. Haha, when used sparingly, is acceptable for guys.
If there was such a thing as soulmates, I think we would see a tremendous increase in couples with mismatched levels of attractiveness. We are just more comfortable convincing ourselves that one person the universe created just for us is also hot.
It would be helpful if I had daily access to the guy who plays the wrap it up music at the Golden Globes.
Girls pants are being unfairly blamed for a lot of things that are simply not their fault. Perhaps the size of your butt was affected by the lunch of a grilled chicken salad in public followed by a dinner of KFC and a milkshake for dinner in your apartment or maybe it was the 5 minutes of elliptical followed by a night of binge drinking--I can not be sure because I am not a nutritionist or personal trainer. What I do know is that it was most likely not the fault of an inert material sitting on a shelf in Banana Republic.
Mens Health and Fitness magazines are the extraordinarily optimistic with their "Secret to 15 Minute Abs" covers month after month. As I look around at guys after 30, it should probably just say "Secret to Keeping your Waist Size within 10 digits of your Inseam" with identifiable tips like block cheese should not be consumed daily.
To me a hand full of M and Ms is the total amount you managed to fit in that little crystal bowl on the coffee table for your holiday cocktail party. And that is just to keep me busy until the mini egg rolls come out for round two.
When people ask you, if you would like a "bite" of your soup (soup is not a "biteable" item), they are essentially asking you if the two of you can make out. Additionally, if someone asks me for a "bite" of my soup--it becomes his/her soup, I do not want it back.
You know who I think should solve the financial crisis? The employees of Diesel who are paid $12/hour but have a different pair of $200 jeans on every time you go in there. That is true financial wizardry.
Wintry mix is the hangover of weather patterns.
How you feel about sleep should be the first question on every online dating profile? A relationship is never going to work if one party thinks sleep is a waste of time and the other thinks it is one of the most enjoyable parts of our existence as human beings.
Why does the police spokesperson still find it necessary to provide the disclaimer to the public, "if you see the suspect, do not try to apprehend him by yourself, he should be considered armed and dangerous." It is if one day they might say "if you see the suspect, feel free to wrestle him to the ground, he managed to escape from jail, but we think you could take him." Thanks for the help.
It appears that the boots being sold to women this season are just trendy versions of stilts.
If I tried crack and found it to be as addictive as General Tso's chicken, they would have to put a revolving door on Promises rehab center for me.
Why do your family and friends who have known you for decades give you gifts during the holiday season like they have never met you?
The US dollar has become the bag of carrots of third grade lunch. Technically, it is still traded currency but no one is going to give you their Fritos for them.
During Thanksgiving TV time, the 60-year old contingent of dad, uncle, aunts were mesmerized by an infomercial for music from their generation where they played a few lines from each song. In 30 years it is going to be weird say our own children--"quiet down" this is Ice Cube warning you to "check yourself before you wreck yourself because shot gun bullets are bad for your health."
The board game clue is more than mildly disturbing. Where did Mrs. White learn to snuff out a life using only a candlestick?
I get so excited to eat certain things that I knowingly start when the temperature is far too hot. The result is destroying the taste buds on my tongue which take a few days to heal. It may just be nature's way of giving me well-deserved time out.
I think you have won SoftSoap. I do not even see the hard soap you are competing against. You are like the guy who still put up posters saying $teve for treasurer even though no one else was running.
The only impression you leave on me when you say you are going to give 110% effort to a project is that you need to return to 4th grade math class.
If you are not giving a lecture at a liberal arts college, pairing a turtleneck and blazer is unacceptable.
A rule to still be considered a guy: one exclamation point per sentence and a lifetime supply of twenty.
It is fairly obvious that Cosmo is written by women who want to perpetuate the unhappiness of all other women regarding male-female interaction. If you really want to please your guy/spice up your relationship/find the guy that is right for you--do exactly the opposite of what is recommended in Cosmo.
I am very interested how trends gain momentum. For instance, the first time a guy took a sweater and tied the arms around his neck in the front and draped the rest over the back---where were his friends to laugh so hard it shamed him into removing such a ridiculous fashion accessory? That is what real friends are for . . . making fun of you so the rest of the world won't have the opportunity.
I really would like to see the ruminations that do not get approved like the worst auditions from American Idol. They are alway hysterical, because the contestants are usually so committed to their excellence and shocked when they are informed of thier total incompetence. The judges are so confused this person thinks they know who to sing. Karo would be like "Dude, this is just a list of things in your kitchen and blender is misspelled."
The post-date quiz by your friends is drastically different for guys and girls. For girls, it is like a long open-ended ambiguous question: How is she as a person? What are her hopes and dreams? If she was an animal what animal would she be? Your guy friends are like an extremely short easy multiple choice test. Is she hot? Did you sleep with her? Are you going to see her again? The test is a little superficial because it comes with a warning--answering no to question 1 makes questions 2 and 3 not applicable.
I am totally mystified by people who enjoy camping. This would most likely confuse people who live in areas of the world without running water. Interview from a small village in Africa: "So let me get this straight--you are saying people have these magical creations called a sink and a toilet and they think it is fun to pretend they were never invented for a weekend." If people from these areas went "camping" in a 5,000 square foot home in the US --I highly doubt they would say--let's have some real fun and build an outhouse this weekend.
I am hoping to get out in front of this issue before winter arrives--please listen carefully. If you are a guy who is getting dressed to go out and "toss on a scarf," this is acceptable if the weather is below 35 degrees. What is not acceptable is to go into a bar, remove your jacket and keep on the scarf. This ridiculous "inside scarf look" goes into the jean shorts category of male attire. No matter how many other people are doing it--it does not make it okay.
If you use the weather as 90% of your argument for why the state you live in is so fantastic- I hate to break it to you, but where you live is not nearly as great as you have tricked yourself into believing. Oh, you loooove the weather you say--well I have not seen you gardening, rollerblading, or going on a picnic. I have seen you drive in your air-conditioned car, walk around the air-conditioned mall, and go into air-conditioned clubs. So if you do not think of something better, just tell me the truth--you are jealous of the East Coast.
Guys: I am sorry to say this, but ... if you are single and spend more time on your fantasy football team than you do working out, it is going to dramatically decrease girl-attracting ability this fall. I doubt girls care if Adrian Peterson is the number one fantasy point getter, but they may just notice your pair of waist 40 jeans you are snugging into during football season.
I still hear people use the ditch digger insult ("the world always needs ditch diggers")and I think it should be updated to make it more 2008-appropriate. Also, when was this time period when proliferation of ditches was so rampant that we needed human beings and shovels to meet the high ditch demand(1905-1915?) and how did the insult stick for over a century? I am also not sure if it is even insult, ever try to bury the empties from a house party or start a bonfire? It would take an hour to make a hole big enough to put your foot in.
Muffin tops are not a fashion accessory. This rule applies equally to both guys and girls. Buy a bigger shirt or eat less carbs--its an either/or decision.
Girls have no problem throwing common-sense right out the window when trying to set you up with one of their friends. One example is the "really great girl" who lives over 100 miles away. I moved two blocks and stopped going to my favorite sandwich place since it is a block further than the mediocre one. When presented with these proposals, I feel like replying "Of course we can go out. I hoping I can take her on a date to Candyland. How will we get there? I was planning driving the car from Monopoly unless she doesn't like convertibles."
Unless you are an attractive female or you are using the following for part of a job that is currently in progress--please stop wearing cowboy hats, camouflage apparel of any kind, and construction boots to bars. You are at a club drinking a $12 sugar-free red bull and vodka--I can't see the future, but I doubt a steer is going to need to be roped, a military exercise will spontaneously break out, or someone is going to need a house built.
Olympic Observation:
If every heat in swimming sets a new world record, should they just say "fastest swimmer in the past 5 minutes."
When I see two girls at happy hour for $1 Margarita Madness and see them pay for their rounds separately with $5 bills, I start thinking--at what point did girls and guys start following 2 totally different guidelines for friendship?
This should be common-sense to most guys, but apparently a reminder is needed. If you are at a crowded bar and you order and receive your drink, STEP AWAY from the bar. Do not cause a back-up like a 75 year old on a highway in the left lane. Keep the traffic moving. You are not the bartender's new best friend. This is not Entourage where the bartender is Vince and you are Turtle. This does not impress girls and just annoys guys who figured this out the FIRST time they went to a bar.
This website has shown the difference between guys and girls. I have noticed that girls are fans of other girls with zero rumination points. Basically, they are saying I am a fan of this person which is what facebook is for. Guys would never do this. I could tell my guy friend my life depends on him becoming my fan on this website. If he did not think I was funny, he simply would not do it. Oh, he would show up at the funeral, but when they turn to blame him for my death he would just shrug and say "he should have been funnier."
"That guy" out at a bar whose only contribution to a conversation is--"I am soooo wasted" needs to be put on a talk time-out. It would be like people proclaiming--"I am sooo insecure about my ______ (appearance, job, number of friends,relationship etc.). We call can see what state of being you are in and no further comment is needed--keep it to yourself because the rest of us are fine with silent acknowledgment we are muting our feelings with LITs. Go back to repeatedly commenting on the surplus or lack of attractive girls at this place.
If you are guy who orders a drink at a bar that has a cherry in it and does not resemble a color commonly seen in a rainbow (i.e Midori Sour) please help everyone out and stand next to the guys with their cell phones clipped to their belt.
If you do this while wearing a cell phone clipped to your belt, you may have to present yourself to a committee that determines if you can keep your guy card.
I have some advice for the people who are married who are trying to convince other people to get married. Get a better PR firm. I talk to a lot of married people. It seems like it is choosing to go to your favorite bar every night for the rest of your life--not a bad idea. Except in the marriage bar,the bartender who appears physically the same each time you arrive sometimes hands you a perfectly chilled bottle of Heineken filled with fermented German perfection and sometimes that bottle is filled with warm urine.
If you are able to strike a conversation with a girl at a bar and able to get her a drink--you may have a chance. When the time comes for the next round and you say--I will have what she is having--and what she is having is an Appletini-- Shake her hand and tell her "thank you for the allowing me to play, but I am forced to disqualify myself." Go to the nearest pizza place, order 3 slices, sit at a table alone and think about what you did.
I am only going to say this once to girls--when I am dining with you unless I develop the ability to shrink myself down and implant myself in your brain like the guys from Hermans Head--I do not know now or will not ever know exactly what you should order to eat. I will happily make an educated guess based on dining with you in the past, but if you seem to hold me responsible for not liking it--I will not offer to help again. Surprisingly, I have consumed 30,000 meals without seeking the guidance other human beings.
Why are the guys who repeatedly utter the same inane guy motto--"you only get to live once" follow the statement up with $500 in lap dances from a dancer named Sapphire at the Spearamint Rhino.
Yet these same guys will not pay $250 for a table at Body English, with the chance to meet a girl who will give them attention without such blatant exchange of currency. Maybe it is because they are insecure, but it is more likely that they are simply just married.
If you are a guy at a bar who has had less than 8 drinks ... and have not either been in a music video or a contestant on Americas Best Dance Crew . . . and you choose to dance--the consequence should be your immediate removal with a lifetime ban from this establishment.
If you wear a white v-neck t-shirt out (what- I just threw this old thing on with my Seven jeans--I didn't plan it and no there is not a pile other trendy t-shirts that did not make the cut on my bed) Please make sure it is not so untucked everyone can see the navy blue polo horse at the bottom. Paying $30 for an undershirt precludes both being edgy and dangerous. When Tom Cruise pulled on his white t-shirt after an afternoon at Kelly McGillis's--I am almost certain it did not have yellow pit stains from sweat mixed with Red Zone.
If you choose to meet a guy from match.com who has an array of pictures posted and at least one of them is shirtless, you deserve the miserable interaction that is about to ensue whether it lasts 25 minutes or 25 years.
There are only two types of guys you see in a bar: those with cell phones clipped to their belts and those who still have a chance of talking to a girl.
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