Ruminations
How dare you embarrass me by repeating the lie I told you in front of a third party who knows better. I told you that lie in confidence.
11 
I'm a little confused by the commercial... So, Twix is some kind of magic morsel that helps men lie to women?
It greatly concerns me that my dog voraciously consumes meat leftovers but doesn't like hotdogs.
Spitting is manly. Wrestling with the long strand of saliva that tenaciously refuses to break off your lip is not.
Loudly announcing your sobriety is a good indicator of the opposite.
April Fool's Day is probably the worst day for something super-bizarre to happen to you. "Let me get this straight. You're saying a gang of monkey-wielding clowns mugged you out of $400?" "Look, officer, I know how this sounds..."
I imagine that Venus Williams would scare the shit out of me in the sack.
I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the shit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"
I don't understand "survivor's guilt." I'm pretty sure if 197 of my fellow passengers died and I was the only survivor, my lasting impression would not be "Oh, why not me??" -- it would be "I Am Invincible!!"
I like delivering alarming news among a list of mundane events: Let's see... I gave the dog a bath, some mail came for you, we're running low on ketchup, they found a body behind the school next door, your Dad called.
When something really fucked up happens that leaves a group in stunned silence, the first person to crack a joke wins.
I had no idea my back itched so damn much until I picked up the back scratcher.
A good life skill is being able to repeat something a millisecond after someone else so that it sounds like you're saying it at the same time.
"Kiss rocks Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Wow, Kiss, way to squander the last half ounce of street credibility you had left.
I can't ever get the timing right for the "pop" in the old "Lollipop" song.
I had enough cybersex on AOL back in the day that I consider it likely a masquerading 60-year-old dude managed to slip in there.
My mom doesn't really understand how dog training works. When she eats, the dog always begs for scraps, which always leads to my mom yelling, "Don't beg! Stop begging! Why do you always beg!? Arrrgh!! ... Fine, here, just take the damn food."
Despite the intention of hilarity that leads to watching porno as a group, the joking and laughing usually dwindles into uncomfortable silence.
"Can I trust you?" is not the greatest question for weeding out liars.
If it takes you more than twenty seconds to figure out how you're going to go about eating something, you're probably about to eat something awesome.
I always escalate the volume at the good parts. But with this strategy, by the time the album is over my whole house sounds like muted ocean.
I'll bet Weird Al can't enjoy a new song without immediately trying to think up goofy lyrics to go along with it. That is his curse.
I shared a laugh with the good people of Punxsutawney. Of course, they were laughing because Groundhog's Day is their little town's time to shine, whereas I was laughing because they had elected to name their groundhog's home "Gobbler's Knob."
When you're doing something annoying and somebody tells you to cut it out, you are practically required to do it a couple more times.
The whiteboard in the apartment was supposed to become a hub of communication to make us all more responsible. How quickly it degraded into a repository for hilarious one-liners and crude drawings.
How does the U.S. not have bad credit? Shouldn't someone have repossessed Florida by now?
Either Windows needs to start allowing question marks in filenames, or artists need to stop putting question marks in song titles.
In all reality, the Harlem Globetrotters would get their asses kicked in the NBA.
When hunters begin chasing down, tackling, and wrestling deer into submission, I will be okay with calling hunting a sport.
Astronauts finally got internet access aboard the international space station. In related news, the scheduled completion date of the space station has been bumped from 2011 to 2044.
Granted it makes you an incredible badass, Mr. Movie Villain, I simply cannot follow the logic behind you taunting the man holding a gun to your face with "You don't have the guts!"
The jokes made by the group of strangers near you are always retarded.
My fortune last night read, "If you want it... take it." Um, isn't that a little... Machiavellian for a cookie?
The NuWave Oven is "like a magician in your kitchen." A magician? Forget the roast, Merlin; shazam the floor, presto chango the dishes, and abracadabra the hell out of the refrigerator.
If I'm ever interviewed on television and they're forced to subtitle my speech, shoot me.
Wait, you were following ME? I was following YOU! Are we retarded? How did we walk two hundred feet in the wrong direction!?
Never do I have such laser-precision eye contact as when I'm talking to a girl with bountiful cleavage. That's because I am respectful, mature, and thoughtful enough to only secretly watch her boobs.
I might be willing to bet that the man who invented the movie camera is also the first man to try to film himself having sex.
The headline "U.S. Military Terminates Several Robotic Warriors" could not have done a better job of setting me up for the disappointment of the article.
Nothing penetrates the thin zone between almost-asleep and asleep like the godawful slurpy-slop sound of a dog cleaning its genitals.
Hurting yourself while showing off is a special kind of pain. Broken femur is one thing, but the humiliation...
In sports news I read: "Turtles pull out victory." I don't think they intended me to immediately picture some lady turtle saying, "Yuck, all over my shell."
Under no circumstances should male porn stars stare into the camera while they're doing their thing.
Everyone remembers when they learned their first bad word.
Just spit out the rag the bad guy stuffed in your mouth. There, no longer gagged.
The "snowman" in my yard is just a big white ball with a carrot sticking out the top. It's obvious I can't take the cold anymore.
I hate running so much that if a jogger stole my wallet and then casually ran away, I would just shake my fist and shout, "Yeah, you'd better... jog!"
My first reaction is to make up bad-ass stories for my mundane scars. Drunkenly fell into the coffee table? Nope. Back alley knife fight.
I'm sorry that the World Wrestling Federation stole your acronym, but I will never again be able to look at the "WWF endangered species list" without
picturing oiled-up men in tights.
Are referees failed athletes or have they just always had a passion for officiating?
Whenever I pet a puppy or kitten I have to clench my jaw as if it's the only thing keeping me from squeezing the animal into paste.
Okay, I didn't clean, but I should get more credit that this place hasn't gotten any worse.
A U.K. priest told his congregation that shoplifting is okay if you're really in need. I totally disagree; shoplifting is never okay. When I shoplift, I know it's wrong.
Hell would scare me more if it was freezing instead of burning.
Even when I'm way too drunk, I can't bring myself to leave an almost-full beer.
I need to start selling Get Rich Quick books to suckers.
I'm not convinced that you're too weak to haul shit, ladies. Now put down those dainty pillows and grab a corner of this motherfucker of a desk.
The lady with the Swiffer WetJet needs to get a restraining order against her old mop. I wouldn't trust that creepy thing.
I wonder if there are any B.O. standards in the NBA. Seems like a player could wield rank armpits like a weapon.
Are you really giving me a disapproving glare after only my second beer? Well, strap your safety harness on, Grandma; this is going to be a long wedding reception.
I hate sneaking a peak at a bad present. Now I have to feign both surprise AND joy.
Not even the shadiest of car salesmen would have tried to sell you a car with such a putrid color. You had to've been adamant: "Don't jerk me around, Bob. I came here for toilet-bowl-stain orange, I'm leaving with toilet-bowl-stain orange!"
Surefire way to burn your meal: continue your internet task for "just a minute."
Pretty much I add spices for the sake of adding spices. Garlic Powder? Of course. Red Pepper? I'm feeling spicy. Italian seasoning? Si, grazie. Paprika? I don't know what that is... so only a little.
"NSFW" means "View at work and hope your boss doesn't catch you."
The existence of muppet babies implies a curious fact: muppets fuck.
Untangling a giant knot would be amusing and even fun if it weren't the most frustrating fifteen minutes of your life.
I scold America for being so litigious, but secretly I hope for an opportunity to sue a company for millions.
Oh, you made a donation in my name? Haha, awesome! Seriously, though, where's my real gift?
A fun aspect of getting to know someone new is learning the names they use for common things that are different from the names you grew up using. Really? You call it corn-from-the-husk? You're wrong but that's cute.
If I ask what your favorite position is and you say "missionary," I reserve the right to go with your second choice.
What do you mean, "What happened to all our butter?" You saw me eating that single baked potato.
Can I please stop finding money in my dreams? For almost three decades my hopes have been dashed again and again and again.
It's not my fault you left your Doritos on the coffee table...
Kittens and puppies are the only creatures that are cute in swarms.
It's okay for other drivers to see into my car during the day, but if at night I have to turn on my inside dome light, I feel like I'm exposed to the world and I need to get that shit turned off immediately.
I was going to be a homicide detective until I realized I can't grow a convincing moustache. Whole career branch wiped out.
"How adorable! I could just eat you alive!" That's crazy talk. Please don't eat my baby.
If you're a TV detective, there's an 83% chance you're going to witness a murder when you're off the clock.
Whenever I'm slowly and carefully transporting something hot and easily spilled, I don't know if it's earned confidence, a gutsy gamble, or simple greed, but I suddenly haul ass those last five steps.
Humility is a trait of the hero. That being the case, I will never be a true hero: you better believe if I rescue a bus full of children, I will be gloating about it for the rest of my life.
When something random and messed up happens to me in public, the first thing I do is look around for the stranger with the understanding, "Aw, dude, I know" face.
Sorry religious holidays, if we start exchanging gifts on Thanksgiving, it's all over.
If a snack treat looks like a person, you better believe I'm going to brutally torture it with nibbles.
When staying at a friend's there often comes a point when you have to memorize a room's layout so you can make it safely to the couch after turning off the light. Then of course you slam your knee into a table and break a glass, because you're drunk.
There are only four of us; how did we devolve into having two separate conversations? Let's get this group back on track.
The only thing better than seeing an opposing team's fan sad and dejected is seeing him sad and dejected in a ridiculous costume.
Every reasonable person on the internet is attractive until a profile pic proves otherwise.
Look, Yahoo! Answers, if I wanted to phone-a-friend, I'd call someone who has a clue what they're talking about.
If people could read the tip of my tongue, I'd get every trivia question right.
Three lightbulbs blew out on me in one day. Either I'm really unlucky, or I've gained electric superpowers.
When I stand on a one-foot stool to change a light bulb above me, I react the same as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with the wind at my back and 400 feet of jagged rocks below.
When I know I get to sleep in a few hours longer tomorrow, I end up staying up so late that I get even less sleep.
Oh, sorry, dog; I was yelling at the TV, not at you. Who's a good boy?
I feel more drunk after three beers at the bar than I do after six beers at home.
I saw a news brief on TV about a man who wrecked his $1.7 million sports car. Really, that's news? Allow me to don my sarcastic baby voice: "Aw, did poor wittle multi-millionaire wose his $1.7 million dowwar sports car? Soooo sowwy."
When a man doesn't catch a woman's signals, he's clueless. When a woman doesn't catch a man's signals, she's crazy.
I showed my little nephew the trick where I make his forehead tingle by holding my finger real close. He now thinks I'm some kind of arcane wizard. Next week I'm going to show him the ol' severed thumb trick to blow his frickin' mind.
Websites, can you stop with the slideshow format? Slap all your pictures on one page and let's get this viewing over with.
A girl plucked a loose eyelash off my cheek and then flirtingly asked me to make a wish. The dork in me couldn't help but whisper back: "I wish for a million loose eyelashes."
Where's Waldo books must be a nightmare to people with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Computer programs shown in TV shows and movies are so obviously fake.
If I take the time to write a reminder list, I'll never end up needing to reference it.
The novelty of wearing silly costumes wears off and everyone falls back into normal conversation. No one finds it weird now that SpongeBob is sharing a solemn story about his mother's stay in the hospital to a man with blue lips and boobs.
I shave my moustache area last so my reflection will remind me that I should never try to pull off a moustache.
Introducing me as your hilarious friend was actually the worst thing you could've done for me.
Can we stop being nostalgic about stuff from five years ago? It's making me feel like I'm aging much faster than I am.
After frying, sticking a hot skillet under the tap for that steamy sizzle is one of the more satisfying moments in the human experience.
I've realized that, in many things in my life, I'm like Bowser from Mario Kart: It may take me a while to gain momentum, but, man, once I get going... I slip on a banana peel and go spiraling out of control.
Okay, crappy movie, you're not fooling anybody with your "Best Movie Ever!!" blurb from WBGN-TV. We all know you couldn't find a legitimate quote.
"Kills 99.9% of germs." I'm no Darwin but something seems wrong about eliminating all but .1% of the meanest, most resistant bacteria.
Only once will you ever tease a cat by holding meat over its head.
I love when I realize that I haven't clipped my toenails in a while. Satisfaction, here I come...
I'll lick a knife if there's something good on there. "Mild danger" is my middle name.
Can we invent a drug that makes hair grow out already dyed to our liking?
When I spell "sword" I always pronounce the "w" in my head.
I know I said I'd get fit by 30, but what I meant was 40.
Just once I'd like to successfully bribe someone. Preferably while we both look away from the money handoff.
I would be willing to pay one or two cents more to a generic food company for them to make their product's box look a little less generic.
What I see is a writhing mass of adorable 3-week old kittens; but what I hear is the godawful, slurpy-smacky sounds of six pink nipples getting destroyed. What a clash of sensory input.
Whenever I see someone on TV with a blurred face I usually feel like if I actually knew this person, I'd totally be able to recognize them.
I wonder if there were many fifth century bards who would close the door to their bedchambers and then just rock out on the air-lute.
How did I live before without RSS feeds? Seriously. I finally looked into them today and it was like a paradigm shift in my brain. Dear lord, how much time have I been wasting!?
Some people reject poker and stay away from it while others love poker and play it everyday. Whatever their differences, both of these groups have been able to agree on at least one point: fuck poker.
Hey every single person on both football teams, the referee didn't ask for your vote on the call so quit it with the peer pressure.
I hope my friends never talk to me about a product like people in TV commercials talk to their friends about products. What are you, the company's director of marketing? No one talks like that.
How ghetto were those plastic #2 pencils? The lead might as well have been butter for how well they wrote.
Nothing lets you know how drunk you are like the experience of walking into a big, brightly lit establishment.
We should be allowed to spank strangers' unruly children.
I'm counting on future medical breakthroughs to bail me out of the consequences of my present unhealthy behavior.
Mini Wheat without the frosting, who put you in my bowl?
In his commercial, the doctor who supposedly invented ExtenZe says that his drug "increases that... certain part of the male body." Dude, you're a doctor; say "penis."
Cats examine a cracked door every time like it's the first time.
"You may have seen some Yaz commercials recently that were not clear." Hmm, can't say that I have. Does seeing THIS one a million times count?
I hate when my friends clear out and I'm left alone with the mutual acquaintance.
I love all kinds of gravy: chicken, turkey, pork, brown--wait... brown?
All commercials should print the title of whatever song they're playing.
The wrapper on my straw got wet. Dammit! This shouldn't suck as much as it does.
When my plane is going down, I'm going to make one last phone call to the oxygen mask manufacturer to say, Thank you... What would all these screaming passengers and I have done without you?
Even as an adult I still occasionally fly my hand like an airplane out the car window.
There should be a government-mandated label: "Warning! The model in this image is not as beautiful as she has been photoshopped to appear."
I hate when I'm halfway through a meal and I get that sudden sinking feeling that this is not going to be enough to eat.
Practically every caller who phones in to a live news show is an idiot.
Whenever I ask, What's that noise? Nobody has any idea what I'm talking about and now I'm crazy.
I hate when I use sports to break the ice and the guy ends up knowing way, way more about sports than I do. Great, how am I gonna fake my way through this one?
Have you ever been surprised by how very thirsty you were? It starts with a sip of water and the next thing you know you're wide-eyed, chugging down mouthfuls in between gasps for air, practically drowning yourself on the spot?
So, who was the first coach to slap a player on the ass, and how exactly did ass-slapping spread to become common practice? Was there an opposing coach who was like, "Hey, if he gets to slap asses, I get to slap asses!"
One good thing about having bad credit is I no longer have to worry about my identity getting stolen. I can't GIVE it away. The last guy that stole my identity? Nine calls a day from debt collectors.
When I know that two co-stars are dating or married in real life, I'm now always looking for signs of this in their character interactions on camera.
It is an exercise in futility to try to extract a speck from out of the middle of a glass of water. Scissor pinch it, corral it against the side, tilt the glass hoping it sticks... all will fail.
As a dude, it's so annoying to get a song from a female's perspective stuck in my head. Change the station brain! I don't WANT to hear "you make me feel like a natural woman..." over and over.
If we're both reading from the same source, it is now a speed contest and neither of us will remember what we just read.
I missed the trashcan. That paperwad might as well grow roots: it just found its new home.
No, fuck you, I pressed every button on that remote to get this shit to work; don't come over here and press one button and get it to work and then tell me I'm stupid.
Extracting a new lightbulb from its protective cardboard sheath can be about as anxiety-invoking as disarming a landmine. How a bulb has never shattered and severed one of my fingers I know not.
When I let you know that you're a MILF, you're flattered--but when I tell you that I want to fuck you, suddenly you're upset. Hmph.
You say, "save me two cookies." I hear, "save me the two smallest cookies."
Oh I'm so sorry, Bro, I didn't know you throw so femininely... I swear I won't put you on the spot again.
Serial killers are always given menacing names like "Hillside Strangler". I don't think these killers would try so hard to be famous if we started giving them all ridiculous names instead. "The 'Frilly Doily Bumbler' has yet to strike again."
To all those who share my name: mine is the correct spelling.
Even though I've done zero damage to this Barnes & Noble book I've been reading for the last half hour, I'm still going to exchange it for a fresh copy when I go to buy it.
A PG-13 rating means this movie is not as good as it could be.
It is an insult to leave a 12-pack of Natty Lite in my fridge.
There is nothing like a pot of gathered flowers to remind us of our love. And of our slow, wilting decline into death.
Right after you rescue your friend from a harrowing ordeal, but before you untie them from their chair, I think you should tickle them.
You know you're a disorganized mess when all of your drawers are miscellaneous drawers.
My fantasy is to be stranded alone on a tropical island with the girl of my dreams. But who am I kidding? Chances are I'd just forever be "that quiet guy" by the coconuts.
easnow is a fan of...
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wissinger
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pecas7
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sbeaulac
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EverythingSucks
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kristin
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udkyle8
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isavedtheday
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diggity
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moodieblues
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sarah2004i
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LindsaySimon
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dragooo
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StephBone
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troysbucket
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AmieJW
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memhoe
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KGmoney
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BlondeBomb
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bethgoldstein
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Masticator
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happyprancer
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Michael
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tomuky
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eirelister
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deeds11
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rainbowvahmet
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randyfitz
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SlightlyFlustered
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bikinimartini
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GalacticCartographer
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bunnygirl7
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shutupbabyiknowit
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kindofabigdeal4
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katherinedaymusic
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brewcrew09
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hannahmuffy
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snarkolepsy
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pelc327
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elduderino
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mpelcs
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GeneralsBitch
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IamKellyAnne
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townes
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infamouspmj
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poopthoughts
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mostlydistracted
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Spauldo327
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EVILBONG
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allspamaccount
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socoLiiiime
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dpink48
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Jeffiner
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rolinsand
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ZachFlavored
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axelsharp
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PopeJewish
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DrHopkins
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kingofhell92
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iamisabelle
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notjustyet
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plinkadinka
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letsfindout
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blithechaos
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Draino
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MChaseD
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zillianz
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bleacherbreaker
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KnowAnOnion22
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HellHathNoFury
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tokenravenchick
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Stratton
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Cynthia
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caitlinwithac
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tayloralex
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bigjerm
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johnwgreenjr
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dustinyo
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jaymiles
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monsterfilmer
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GetMeOuttaHere
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itsjill
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uuuhhh
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summoncookies
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WaywardSon
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Vibribbon
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Namedor
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heelntoe
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stereotypemylife
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spongebrittradpants
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frickface
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Corduroy89
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annie808
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DeegsasaurusRex
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littlejerry
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Scadman
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Malaka24
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Ashlie
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katelynnsortino
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Danish
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thebeaglebarks
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tralynn29
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aaron9287
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thescreamingfish
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SoisJeune
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andrewthemiller
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Jerrod
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pike1580
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ellebell
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OrganizedChaos
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jbdunivant
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dwightshrute
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Arvan12
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SofaKingSweet
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Melsh13
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SirBranno
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whatsmells
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missmonet
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RidethePiggy
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Django
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lightningbug24
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bjbackitis
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brainfreeze
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gotmusic702
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rocketmanjp
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ParisHL
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carlobotomy
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fatshady
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LucyLinden
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maxpowers
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smackaline
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ishouldbeworking
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icefairy17
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shyrock
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emkohlo
Fans of easnow
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HellHathNoFury
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Jeffiner
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monsterfilmer
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eema2boys -
chrisredditch -
dpink48
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Spauldo327
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hoyacane -
summoncookies
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infamouspmj
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SorryMom
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GetMeOuttaHere
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kezzamozza
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Stratton
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MnemosyneMae
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townes
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longlamb -
bleacherbreaker
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letsfindout
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wissinger
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jcred247 -
mam564 -
mcrloverxo
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LivvayBoo
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wbg009 -
Birdy18
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TheGroovyOne
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blithechaos
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SofaKingSweet
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stereotypemylife
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tayloralex
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bethgoldstein
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kristin
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heelntoe
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Danish
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thuperduper -
dwightshrute
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jaymiles
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fortheloveuh
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sunshinegrove -
sarahkenny
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CLyng1 -
tokenravenchick
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kissablekrissy3
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ellebell
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pike1580
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jbdunivant
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bunnygirl7
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SirBranno
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rolinsand
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Melsh13
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PopeJewish
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njzangel420
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aaron9287
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thebeaglebarks
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shutupbabyiknowit
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danidominguez -
diggity
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OrganizedChaos
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itsjill
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franksteve -
FraggleRock -
bikinimartini
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spongebrittradpants
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leighlattanzio -
whatsmells
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lassie90 -
kingofhell92
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Django
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lightningbug24
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Jerrod
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GeneralsBitch
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randyfitz
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aerojello -
shantoast -
jazzbandrew -
meddie
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MChaseD
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Roxanne -
rainbowvahmet
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thescreamingfish
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dustinyo
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SoisJeune
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kahunajoel -
katelynnsortino
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johnwgreenjr
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andrewthemiller
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Vibribbon
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Namedor
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plinkadinka
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Masticator
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DeegsasaurusRex
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shoxsoc92 -
GalacticCartographer
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gotmusic702
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socoLiiiime
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prestonf138 -
Michael
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PrinceAli -
lazytrini
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rainskb -
iamisabelle
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micheanz -
allspamaccount
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mzompetti85 -
nudewalrus -
tropicaluau -
bbalzly -
IveGotaSpikeBot -
NachoMama
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LucyLinden
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pelc327
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missmonet
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reedion
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Ashlie
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Xenoskyes
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bjbackitis
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dammitHammett -
robinredbreast -
Holdswoj23 -
LiviaL919 -
chapman
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genbonkers
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kashigolean52
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brianaokayy -
carlobotomy
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moodieblues
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brainfreeze
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rocketmanjp
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lamancha -
BethIsPoor
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Draino
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WaywardSon
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rufioo -
tomuky
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hazel26
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DSP720 -
hbooth
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ktterminator -
PootieTang -
REI1222 -
the918 -
yellowish -
Roarnar
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rumonkey -
stensby -
awatson29 -
RidethePiggy
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Malaka24
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tralynn29
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patticakes -
smackaline
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ZachFlavored
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VimFuego -
Bubbette
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bigjerm
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maxpowers
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Lcky516
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IamKellyAnne
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mpelcs
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memhoe
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isavedtheday
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BMarvin -
cocoabro700 -
udkyle8
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RyricKrael
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ktbug84 -
jamesrussell3 -
Pretense -
Mallrat -
evatangerine -
jaxxorama
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pennyforyourwit -
Cynthia
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shyrock
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metallicreign -
KGmoney
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Fargonaut -
sbeaulac
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brytensmyday
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mariaelizabeth
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VicariouslyNsatiable -
fatshady
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needsmorelasers
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peterallison -
emkohlo
-
PstlCrayon -
Desilu -
okilydokily -
gregschen -
ruminicious -
ilovecake -
HOOT31B -
MisMack -
kathleenserene -
rebelduck
-
Yasmine -
WoodysDestination -
eRodriguez -
snarkolepsy
-
superfluous
